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    Old 09-17-2004, 11:44 PM   #46
    Aurora
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hi guys,
    How is life treating you all?

    Juicy Lucy - how are you coping now? It sounds like things are really tough right now. I think sometimes therapists are strange people - to me the action of you only eating 150 cals a day sounds anorexic. But it doesn't really matter what the label is - its the person suffering that counts. I hope that soon you will find some relief from all this suffering. And I am always here if you want to vent.

    I know I shouldn't lose more, but its just so hard. But I will keep picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying again. I do WANT to get better, so I MUST learn to eat properly. Or die.

    Quenchy honey - always a relief to hear from you! I am so upset though that you have purged. PLEASE PLEASE do not start doing this regularly. Honey it could kill you! Please phone a freephone helpline, or go to your GP. Do not let this take you over. Purging bulimia is even more serious than when you were displaying habits of an exercise bulimic.

    And my idea of 'fine' was that I was eating once a day. But today is a new day. Today I am going to take out my plan and try and stick to it again. It is not the enemy, I am not the enemy, I can live through this.

    As to your homework, just take a piece at a time to concentrate on - if you look at it all in one heap it will just seem unmanageable. Chip away a bit at a time. Organise it in date order for completion or something and just do a bit at a time. Chin up sweetie - you are a survivor, one of the strongest people I know. You can handle this, just remember to breathe ok? Lol!

    (OH and I believe I wrote something that Char wanted to discuss with you, maybe you had better ask her what its about, ok )

    Emsie - whats to explain about lalalala, clearly I was...singing!

    Hope you are all ok,
    Love and hugs from H xoxo
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    Old 09-18-2004, 04:41 AM   #47
    Roxie Hart
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hi everyone

    H, I am glad you seem to be quite positive today, but I really really think you need to go back IP somewhere. It doesn't matter where, I can see why it might be awkward going to the same place - so start again somewhere else. Anything. Just please get more help. It is too difficult to recovery by yourself without help when you have been doing this for so many years. Please.
    xxxxxxx
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    Old 09-18-2004, 01:20 PM   #48
    Leanne R
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Aurora, you WILL beat this, keep strong, My thoughts are with you.

    Leanne x

     
    Old 09-19-2004, 03:11 AM   #49
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Millie - honey you need not worry yourself about me. True, I have slipped lately...quite badly. But I am determined to live for my husbands sake. I figure that I probably will always feel this bad, but maybe if I just draw this mask even closer to myself then I can even hide from myself sometimes. I won't lose more, I will try and gain a little. I don't know if at this point in time I am ready to gain the huge amount that the doctors want me to, but I will persevere. Maybe if I can get used to not starving, I will care less. Or start to lose the urge like GG has. (Who incidentally deserves much congrats on doing so well!)

    You need to concentrate on you Millie, you try to take the problems of us all and fix them. You are taking on too much, take some YOU time and consider how you will beat your bulimia. You CAN get better hon, you are so special and SO worth it!

    Leanne - thankyou for your support. It means a lot to me.

    Hope the rest of you are all ok. Enjoy your weekends, and I hope you are happy!

    Hugs from H xoxoxo
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    Old 09-20-2004, 04:21 AM   #50
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hey y'all

    Aur, I'm glad that you're determined to live. Please do it for your own sake as well as for your husband's. Learning to love yourself and realising that other people really care about you will help you through this. You are so wonderful and worth a hell of a lot more than you think you are and I hope that someday soon you will be able to see this. Work at your own pace. As long as you want to recover and as long as you stick with it, do it on your own terms. Don't let anyone bully you into gaining 4lbs a week if you think you can only manage 2lbs. Just keep getting better at your own pace - remember, baby steps will get you a long way!!

    We all believe in you so much, you can get better, I know you have the determination within you to do it .

    As for me - things are hard and I'm really confused about what I want. Most of me wants - needs - to lose weight. All of me is so scared of losing my boyfriend over this; he wants me to get better, he can't understand that I love him so much but that I love ana as well and I'm too scared to give her up. I also want to model and to get into that industry I have to be thin...but I also have to be confident in my looks. ARGH!! It's so confusing!!! I don't want to have to choose because I want to have everything.

    Things will resolve themselves one way or another.

    Love to you all

    xxx J*L xxx

     
    Old 09-20-2004, 11:42 AM   #51
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hi, Aurora,

    Here I am again, "The Strange One"! (lol) I was so touched by your last post to me; you needn't respond to my posts, you know. I write from the heart and don't "keep track" of "who owes whom" and all of that.

    I'm very worried about your dad. His continuing decline is disturbing indeed. I hope and pray that the doctors can figure out a way to stabilize his b.p. enough that he can have the additional surgery.

    You wrote something about not wanting to lose your dad, because you want to make him proud that you are his daughter. I know you'll deny it (lol), but I'll write it anyway: He is already proud of you!!! You don't have to prove anything to anybody except yourself.

    You don't even have to prove anything to your therapist, who was way out of line with her snide remark to you, if you don't mind my saying so. Putting you on the defensive as soon as you walked in the door seems like a mighty counterproductive tactic. I'm glad that you were able to be the better person (despite your little "fibbing" lol) and allowed yourself to have a good session with her.

    As has been said already, please don't use your husband or your dad or your second-grade teacher or your pet parakeet (lololol) as your motivation to get better. Isn't a happy, healthy Aurora motivation enough?

    I wish that you had the time to read a few dozen of the messages that you have written to your fellow ed'ers. Please try to read even ten, if you can. Your words are always so supportive, encouraging, and loving. How I pray that you could be so toward yourself! If you do look back over some of those posts, could you try to substitute your name for any of theirs and believe that what you have written is truly meant for you?

    Actually, I have noticed that all of you wonderful ladies are so kind and caring toward each other... but not to yourselves. I know that my wishing it cannot make it so, but I do so wish that you could all channel that collective loving energy into one big, warm blanket and wrap it around each other and yourselves, too....

    I hope that you continue to find satisfaction in being back at work and that the good feelings it engenders in you will support you in your journey to wellness.

    Take care of yourself, precious Aurora.

    Hugs,
    Pat

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 02:53 PM   #52
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hiya,

    How are all you lovely people doing? Hope you are all ok.

    Juicy Lucy - Thanks for your advice. I know I should eat and live for ME, but I don't feel I can. But I am willing to try for others. Maybe with time these things may change...who can predict?

    You are right - I definitely cannot cope with that kind of gaining. It has to be gradual if I am going to do this. Easier said than done though. After 9 and a half years of virtually killing myself to be thin its difficult to try and accept that I am meant to gain at all!

    JL ...you know that you have been trying recovery for a while but lately have begun to slip a little...can you not try to write a list of the reasons you decided to get better last time? Maybe if you can put this list somewhere easily accessible (by your bed/ as a bookmark/etc) you can go to it and draw some determination from it.

    Please don't bury your head in the sand and say 'things will get better'. That will only happen when you are ready to sort this stuff out. Please consider going to get some help. This is your life in danger - do what you must to save it from the misery of your ed.

    PatNJ - I didn't reply out of a NEED to respond, I replied because I like you!

    As to my dad - we had some good news today so hopefully he will be getting his procedure soon. I so hope it helps him. I hate knowing how fragile he is right now. Oh - and you are right, I don't believe he is already proud of me. I have seemingly progressed well and quickly in my profession, but there is always room for me to improve. Thanks though - you are so nice to me.

    The thing is I am fine at giving advice to people - but its like it doesn't apply in my world. My therapist asks me why this is, and quite simply its because I don't feel like a good enough person to be alive. I am spending my life trying to atone for my sin of having been born at all...or thats how it feels.

    Anyway, to update I have had a GOOD day today! I have eaten fairly well. I am just so happy that my dad may get his chance to get better now. And I had a really good day at work. So all in all I am fine. Like I say - must be almost cured now, lol!

    Hugs to all,
    H xoxo
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    Old 09-22-2004, 10:02 AM   #53
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Thanks Aur

    Everything's confused at the moment. I don't understand my own feelings anymore...last time i went through this i was unhappy, i hated myself, now i have a loving boyfriend and i want to live so i don't understand why all of a sudden i look in the mirror and hate the body i see. i am not ready to get professional help, i would be a failure if i sought it and i would reject it like last time...i'm not ill enough to be anorexic, i'm not skinny enough, they would laugh at me if i turned up for therapy. it's all i can think about at the moment but i hope that one day i will see that there is more to life than being super skinny.

    i'm so pleased about your dad, that must be a great relief to hear such good news i'm also really happy you had a good day - see, they DO exist!! maybe work on having a few more good days each week. think positively, remember that there are things to live for, that people want you in their lives...you can beat this. try to beat a little bit of it each day, whether it's saying 'no' to it for once and eating something small, thinking something positive about yourself...baby steps, baby steps. It's the only way to do it.

    Take care honey

    xxx J*L xxx

     
    Old 09-22-2004, 11:24 AM   #54
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    JL,
    No-one will think you are a failure if you get support from a therapist sometimes we all need support and it is good getting help from someone who in non-judgemental and doesn't know you personally so can give unbias advice.

    I am glad to hear your dad is improving Aurora
    You sound more positive, like you are fighting and winning against the Ed Keep going you will feel great and stronger as each day passes, for every day you do well reward yourself mentally, give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

    Leanne

    p.s I think you have started the longest thread ever it just keeps on going!!!!

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 07:37 AM   #55
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hey guys, looks like I have more than a bit of catching up to do!!!

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 09:08 AM   #56
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    h, I'm glad you've been getting good news about your dad! And how could you think he's not proud of you?! H, you everyone will always be able to go that bit further. If there was a point where you had done everything you could do and couldn't go any further, life would get a bit boring don't you think? Just because you haven't done everything yet doesn't mean you aren't doing your best. Look at waht you have to battle and your determination to do that AND work AND be at home AND help other people etc etc. If you ask me, I think thats something any father would be proud of.

    I hope you are doing better. The threads I've read so far give the impression you've been struggling a bit. Am I right? The thing is, you're doing so fantastically well. Look at what you've achieved so far in recovery. Look how far you've come. Ok, maybe there are times you still wish you weren't eating for days on end, sometimes there's times where you relapse but it seems to me, when people are in recovery and they get to those times, they forget that they knew those times were guna be there. Before you recovered, you knew that sometimes you would want to go backwards and you knew that it would be tough and there would be relapses. But you also knew you were going to get better. Because you have to. Ultimatly (sp?) you have a choice: you can live or you can die. You chose to live H, never forget that. You are going the right way and day by day you are getting closer to being recovered. Through any relapses you may have, that means there is one less relapse to go, every negative thought you have means you are closer to the positive ones.

    "Everything's confused at the moment. I don't understand my own feelings anymore...last time i went through this i was unhappy, i hated myself, now i have a loving boyfriend and i want to live so i don't understand why all of a sudden i look in the mirror and hate the body i see. i am not ready to get professional help, i would be a failure if i sought it and i would reject it like last time...i'm not ill enough to be anorexic, i'm not skinny enough, they would laugh at me if i turned up for therapy. it's all i can think about at the moment but i hope that one day i will see that there is more to life than being super skinny."

    Firstly JL, you know theres more to life than being super skinny already, otherwise you wouldnt want to get better. Anorexics aren't all super skinny you know, everyone starts somewhere and so there's no way anyones guna laugh at you if you get help. Plus, you can't judge yourself on whether you are 'skinny enough' because you have a distorted image of yourself. Whats skinny enough anyway? So skinny you are permanently at risk of dieing and losing everything you have? While you have a disorder you will never be 'skinny enough'. Even when every bone is showing, you will still see yourself as 'too fat'. It will kill you if you dont get help.Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, I just worry.

    I hope everyone else is doing ok, I'm going on a little bit!

    Emily xoxox

     
    Old 10-13-2004, 12:37 AM   #57
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    Hey guys!

    Please forgive how long it is taking me to answer lately but I am finding it difficult fitting everything into the day, let alone try and adequately reply on the boards. No rest for the wicked eh? Guess I can see those lil devil horns poking through, lol!

    So how are you all doing? Hope things are ok with you all. Just cos I have not been around as much doesn't mean I don't still care and think of you. Ok?

    Emsie honey - I am so glad that you are back from staying at your mums. I like to know how you are doing!

    I honestly don't believe I have done anything in my life to make my parents proud of me. But thank you very much for the vote of confidence - you really are a sweetie!

    Yeah - I haven't been finding it easy. Its hard trying to fight an ed when it is so engrained in everything I do. But I will keep on trying, I have no real other choice. I unfortunately have been distracting myself from the ed by turning to other harmful habits. But I am hoping that one day I will be able to just 'be' and not feel it neccessary for me to deliberately harm myself any more. It makes me feel so stupid and weak.

    Anyway, I hope you guys are all ok.

    Hugs from H xoxox
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    Old 10-20-2004, 04:58 PM   #58
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    Re: Please can anyone help me

    You will have done millions of things that make your parents proud H, even if you dont realise it.

    How are things going?
    x x x

     
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