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Princessph3 09-21-2004 12:59 PM

Need someone to talk to about Anorexia
Hello all, I am new to this, just figured out how to start a new thread. I am 26 years old, I've probably had this disorder for a year now. It started out as me just wanting to lose a little weight. I am 5'0", being so short, there is no where for any weight to go. I was up to 100 lbs when I got married in March 2003, that was alot for me and I hated it. so I started just dieting a little. now it has spiraled to me skipping meals, going to bed hungry, etc. and I'm down to 80 lbs. My husband really had no idea how bad it was until I finally told him about a month ago. I tend to weigh myself at least 3-4 times a day and if I am down one pound, it feels SO good! I know it's hard for others to understand, but it really is a control issue and I know that now. It is something that I have complete control over, whether I gain or lose weight. It is so annoying though to have to count every calorie on EVERYTHING, i turn to the back and add up how many I have had that day. It's just gotten really bad. I'm honestly not trying to lose any more weight because I know 80 pounds isn't alot, even for someone as short as me. I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy!

Aurora 09-21-2004 01:06 PM

Re: Need someone to talk to about Anorexia
well here as requested... YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!
Honey, anorexia is an illness. It does not mean you are crazy. You remind me so much of myself because sometimes I really worry that people just think I am some crazy person who doesn't eat.
You do need to get some help though - and fast. Anorexia is so hard to give up, and every day you leave getting help it seems to get harder and harder to actually ask for help.
Are you seeing anyone about this already? You say you are not trying to lose any more weight - but how are you going to maintain if you are restricting? If you get help you can get back to a point where you don't need to count every calorie you ingest. But you have to want to get help first.
If you want to chat I am always here. I understand all too well what you are going through.
Good Luck and hope to hear from you.
H :wave:

Princessph3 09-21-2004 01:57 PM

Re: Need someone to talk to about Anorexia
Thanks for the reply Aurora! I know what you are saying, but I keep thinking in the back of my mind, if I get help, that means gaining weight. and I just don't want to do that! Although I know realistically that before I got this disorder, I was 100lbs and a size 3. To most people, that is tiny! to me, my legs were huge, my stomach wasn't flat, etc. I like my body size right now, although it is hard for me to find clothes and I have resorted to shopping in the little girls department :) I guess what I ultimately want is to be ok with not having a perfect body. I had terrible eating habits before, but I never counted calories, I just enjoyed eating. Now it is a hassle! I plan out literally days before what I am going to eat. For example, if I know I have to eat out a big lunch with a coworker or family members on Tuesday, I'll try to eat really light on Monday (or the day after) For me, going to bed eating a very light dinner (or nothing at all) pretty much ensures me that I will wake up with a flatter stomach and weighing a pound less. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know that I am an intelligent person. I have a college degree and I remember saying years ago, "How could anyone be anorexic? That is nuts! I could never be, I love to eat!" It snuck up on me so fast. You'll figure this out pretty quickly as you get to know me, that most of this stems from childhood issues and issues currently with my mom. I had been seeing a psychologist (before this started) about self esteem issues and he sees my mom as controlling my life. I guess this is where this disorder comes from maybe ? me trying to take back the control that I think everyone else has over me.

Aurora 09-21-2004 02:26 PM

Re: Need someone to talk to about Anorexia

I am curious as to how you perceive you look now that you weigh what you do? Do you think you look thin? Or not? I calculated your BMI and that is low. I will refrain from harping on about your weight because I know that I can twist what people say, and I am sure you can too. For instance, when people tell me I look too thin and emaciated, I take it as a compliment almost - it makes me feel like I am achieving my goal. But you are right, you are intelligent but that doesn't mean it cannot happen to you. In my experience most of the people on these boards are very intelligent too, but they are suffering right alongside us.

I know you feel good about fitting into kids clothes...I do too, but don't you ever want to look...womanly for your husband? Being the size of a young girl means our bodies start to resemble a young girls too, if you get my drift. My husband, still says I look beautiful but I know he would prefer it if I gained at least 30 pounds.

I challenge your idea, however, (in the nicest possible way, lol) that you need to learn to be happy without having the perfect body. In my opinion you need to learn to be happy WITH the perfect body - that body being healthy, nourished, and happy, not necessarily the size of a child.

Most of all though you need to learn to love and respect yourself. I know this is very easy to say, but like I said, we are very similar in some respects. We both need to work hard in therapy and learn to find some self esteem. And above all you must never give up believing that there is a life for you that doesn't involve anorexia.

Hugs from H xoxo

Princessph3 09-21-2004 02:49 PM

Re: Need someone to talk to about Anorexia
The thing is, I looked like a little girl before! because I am so short and petite, even at a "normal" weight, I have always been mistaken for being about 15-16 years old, even though I am 26. And I've never had (In my opinion) a womanly body, I've always been small chested, that is genetic unfortunately. I guess I feel like, even when I weighed 100 lbs, I still looked like a little girl, just a bigger one! :) Yeah, my husband would like me to gain more weight too. Bless his heart, he is so sweet and supportive. When I told him about this, I felt stupid for telling him and I said I didn't want it to be a "thing" between us where I felt he was constantly watching what I ate, etc. The thing is, I DO eat, but it's the counting of calories and weighing myself and worrying about it. I'm sure I eat way more than most anorexics! I do see a thin person when I look in the mirror, but I don't think I would ever allow myself to get emaciated. I have seen pictures of girls like that, and it is awful to me. I just want to stay like I am! You asked me how I thought I could maintain my weight if restricting? My question is, how can I maintain WITHOUT restricting ? If I don't restrict, I will surely go back up. For the last month or two I have pretty much stayed where I am. Most people (family, coworkers, etc) really haven't noticed too much difference because I was small before and I lost the 20 lbs over a years time. Also, my mom has spent a lot of money buying me ALL new pants, I got rid of all my new ones. I feel like she'll be irritated if I gain 5-10 pounds and can't wear all the new ones.

Aurora 09-21-2004 03:07 PM

Re: Need someone to talk to about Anorexia
So how much are you eating then? Quite a few anorexics eat fairly regularly, just counting calories obsessively to ensure their caloric intake is low enough to continue to lose. You must feel like you are eating in a disordered way or else you wouldn't be here on the boards, yeah?

You would be probably be surprised how many people are too polite to comment on weight loss. I recently found out that some of my friends at work were convinced I was terminally ill and so they never brought the subject up at all. They hadn't considered that my weight loss was anorexia. (Even though I was so paranoid that the whole world knew!)

I never thought I would allow myself to become emaciated. You never thought you could get an eating disorder. Sometimes these things just take over and you lose yourself in them. Trying to maintain a low body weight is still not healthy. Presumably you know that you are compromising your ability to conceive don't you? And all the other dangers? Never forget how dangerous an eating disorder can be. It is like looking after a wild animal - you can never be sure if you are the actual one in control any more.

H xoxo

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