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Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help


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Old 02-08-2005, 11:29 PM   #1
cryingskies
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Question Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Hello....It's been forever since I've posted a message here....I ran from everything that could possibly remind me of the problem I have, and I all the sudden just refused to accept it or admit it that....I AM SICK and I do have a HUGE problem.... I am currently at one of the lowest weights ive been at, I am five foot six inches tall and i weigh in at 100 pounds.
About a week or so ago I attended a basketball game at the high school I graduated from two years ago. I hadn't been to a game since then, and i used to go to them all. An ex boyfriend of mine, his little sister called and asked me to go watch her play. During half time I walked down to the cafeteria to get a drink, I ran into a girl that I used to hang out with a lot that I hadnt seen in probably close to a year....she didn't recognize me. I took her home and we sat in her room and talked for a couple hours. she told me that she didnt recognize me and that I had lost so much weight it was unreal. I didnt want to listen to her, I didnt want to hear it and I definately didnt want to believe it. I just wanted her to stop and let me live in my fantasy, because sometimes reality is just to hard....Then one of my step brothers, later on that nite called me, he said "if you dont get your ***** together you're not going to make it. I can't stand to sit here and watch you kill yourself. You're wasting away to nothing, I have pictures of you a couple years ago and there is a huge difference." I also tried to push him away and just not listen to it, I dont care how, i just want to like make them shut up and not say anything. Then...my (real) brother's girlfriend came into my room one nite when her and him came down to stay (my real bro lives with my dad an hour or so away) about 1 in the morning she came in my room and asked if she could talk to me. I love her to death n I thought she had a problem and I am always there for anyone who needs me to be...I said of course come on in. She sat on my bed and proceeded to tell me about how she was annorexic, that she knew i was....that she was worried about me because she knows the path im going down. She said that i was extremely thin and that its time to pretty much tighten it up and get it together or go somewhere and get some help. She told me about how she had to have an eating tube put in and how she struggled so bad until she got with my brother and he makes her eat and watches her, until now he doesnt have to anymore she does it on her own....Then my brother also just freaked out on me bad two days ago. He told me that I bring everyone down, that im a huge bother to everyone in the family. He told me that he's so tired of my problems that I need to get my head out of my *** and start eating.
I can't help it....but when people say things to me like that, it just makes me want to lose more weight just because they ****** me off...I know that my thinking is wrong. I know that my action are wrong. But I also know that I can't stop....or I guess start is the right word, because i stopped eating just fine....i just cant start again.... I know im sick....I know that I am slowly but surly killing myself......I know that I will have a higher risk to have a heartattack at a very young age and die....I know that the liner in my stomach is gone because there is no food, just tons of acid in my stomach.....I know that sometimes my stomach hurts so bad it feels like im dying. . . I also know that I CANT live like this.......And i feel so alone, no one understands me.... I dont talk to anyone ebcause i dont know who i can talk to....Ive thought about going to a doctor, but i dont have insurance, and im so scared they will put me in a hospital...im scared....can someone. . . .anyone........understand..........can someone please just give me a hand.... give me some words....tell me something.....because im scared, im lost and im all alone

 
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Old 02-08-2005, 11:52 PM   #2
lovelydaze
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

I can relate with you 100%. I know exactly what you're going through because I go through it everyday myself. And we're about the same height/weight. I haven't been this small since...I can't remember that far back. I finally realize that I have a problem, a big one at that. I never EVER thought it would get to this point. And it just keeps getting worse. I feel myself on a downward spiral. I can't say anymore when enough is going to be enough. But I guess I never could. All my "goals" were lies.
No one recognizes me anymore either. It kind of makes me sad knowing that people don't know who I am. I just want to say, "hey, this is me. I'm the same person inside that I was. Just look at me." But I know that when they look at me, they don't see who they used to, and I don't see what they see now. I only see what I want to see.
I know that I need help, but I just can't do it. It's also depressing for me to know that all these people think I'm SO incredibly thin, but they won't take the time to help me when I can't help myself. I hate people for that, but at the same time I don't want their help. Does that make any sense? Like, no one's helped me thus far in my life. Why should anyone bother with me now? I've always felt like I'm someone's burden. What a rotten feeling. I never tell anyone what's going on in my life. Instead, I listen to others. Maybe by getting involved in their lives, I can forget about mine sometimes. I just don't know anymore. And financially, I couldn't recover if I wanted. Constantly my parents argue about the money they DON'T have and how much my college is going to cost them and this and that. And to be honest, most of their financial problems would be good if it wasn't for me. I always have to be the over achiever. I had to get the perfect grades and get into a good school. I had to have that one plastic surgery to look cute. I had to have that car. I just don't want to be a burden anymore. And the more of a burden I become, at least in my mind, the more I want to lose weight. I wish I knew when this is all going to come to an end. Will it? I'm scared of being put in a hospital too. I keep thinking about summer and not fitting into the size 0's and 1's I bought. I think about not being able to finish out this semester and delaying my college plans for next year. I can't give those things. I'm completely at a loss of what I should do. Hang in there, and I'll try to do the same.

 
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Old 02-09-2005, 01:07 AM   #3
cryingskies
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keep your head up and be strong

Hi hun...you got a name....you can call me Chris....its not my full name, but thats what everyone calls me...all my friends....or the ones i used to have anyways....I've completely shut myself off from the world. I used to go out every nite...and I havent gone out in weeks. I work and I come home. I mean, why do I want to go out with people that just want to yell at me all the time. I know u can know where i am coming from. When I read what you wrote, it made me feel really good.... not because u have a problem, and not because of ur fears or anything like that.... but because I know that you understand me. You are the first person that ive spoke with ever, that I've felt can understand me, and for once its made me feel good. Like I swear just about everything you said I feel all the time to. You said that its helps u to feel better if u help other people with their problems, that its the only time you can really forget about yours. I am so much the same way. Day in and day out I am constantly listening to problems and solving them for friends and family. I mean I was on the phone until 1:30 with my exboyfriends little sister because her and her boyfriend broke up and she is hurting. And its the only only time I can forget for a little while that i have big problems. My family, also, struggles with financial problems....my step dad is a truck driver, my mom works at a big corp. a couple years ago my mom wrecked and broke her back, its been a daily struggle since...she just had her second back op on monday, its hard...and also a couple years ago my step dad had a stroke and like a month later he had a heartattack, at that time my mom was unemployed and with my step dad being a truck driver we had no income coming in, so things go rough. and they still are. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to go so bad. I want to be a child psychotherapist. I want to go to New York University in Albany....but it will never happen, I've learned to let go of my dream. I'm also a writer. I have about 5 of my poems published in different collective poetry books. Its always been another dream of mine to publish my own book, but its just hard.
You said that people don't recognize you anymore either. it sucks doesnt it. I completely understand how yuo feel, I too am the same on the inside, I dont know why people cant see that. A friend of mine I've had forever, lives about 4 hours away from me, she moved after high school....I actually started to talk to her about it earlier this morning because I needed someone to talk to that I knew wouldnt judge me and shes the only friend i have that wont judge me. she said "Chrissy I dont care if I dont recognize you on the outside because you are always the same chrissy you've always been on the inside and thats what I care about" It helped to know she didnt care, but when everyone else does its still hard. Because they see what they see and I see what I see. its like you say everything that I feel its crazy....you said "I know that I need help, but I just can't do it. It's also depressing for me to know that all these people think im SO incredibly thing, by they wont take the time to help me when I cant help myself" That is so true. I even said that to a friend before. She was just yelling at me about it, and I told her, I was like you just yell, you say that im too skinny, but do you take the time to sit down, talk to me, try to understand me, or try to help? No all they want to do is judge. And I really think that a lot of it is that deep down inside of them, although they know we have a problem, they just wish they were half as thin....I think a lot of the arrogant ur just a problem is jealousy. But I also agree with u that u know if they did try to help i dont think I would accept it. my brother girlfriend is trying to help because she's been there, but I dont know, I still feel like she's judging me, because she will even yell at me about eating when she has been there. its so aggrivating. I know that you are scared. I can hear it in ur words. and it's okay to be scared....I think that as long as we are scared, then we know that we are sick, we know that something isnt right. But I want you to think about this, and answer it if you can find an answer for it....With your school....if you end up getting so thin that you can't function anymore, and u have to be put into a hospital to get well....then ur going to miss ur school, time u wont be able to get back with friends and other things....it is very clear to me that ur education means a great deal to you. so what would happen if something happened and u had to quit school?? when u find an answer let me know...
Do you know of anything that maybe triggered ur ED or why it started? I had some trama in my life prior to my ED....and anytime more terrible things happen to me, it seems to get worse....like my best friend....he's dead...and its my fault....and ever since that happened one year n five months ago i just keep getting thinner and thinner...its like why should i care, why should i take care of me....when he cant take care of him anymore....like why should i live when he can't and its my fault....i dunno....i have a few poems here i think u should read, u by no means have to, but i write, it helps to get things out because i dont have anyone to talk to about this really....and i write about anything else that bothers me, like the death of my friend....well friends....i would really like to K. I T with you...I think we could probably help each other out some, just by giving us a place to talk where someone else really does understand, and u can vent with me netime u need to vent, i will always listen...

I just can't believe
that everyone sees
something so different
such a humungous change in me.
It really hurts my feelings
that everyone has to say
"SO now tell me,
what have you had to eat today?"
Why do you have to know?!
Why even ask!
Because answering this question
has become a daily task
Tonite a new person
that never asked before
asked me how much ive lost
as soon as he opened the door
really why does it matter?
whats the big deal
you dont care about the causes
you just care about the missed meal!


I want to let you know
what I feel inside
I'm tired of always running
and always trying to hide.
I just hurt so bad
I know you can't understand
if I could fix it I would
but it is out of my hands.
I let this go to far
I'm not longer in control
its like a great big snow ball
that grows stronger as it rolls.
I thought I knew what I was doing,
how wrong could I be?
How could it get this far?
How come I couldn't see?
So I just keep on going
like everything is fine
even when it's not
and I really feel like dying.
Sometimes I get so dizzy
I feel like im gonna pass out
it makes me so damn angry
I just wanna scream and shout
I know I'm killing myself
but we're all going to die
and I can't fix it on my own
even tho I really try.
I can't go to the doctors
I have no way to pay
what if I'm really sick,
and they said I'd have to stay?
God I'm so scared,
someone please tell me what to do
or at least give me a hand
to help pull me through
what if something happens
all the sudden I'd collapse
would I have anyone there
would you even have my back.
So who can I depend on
when the tears fall?
Will you stop to talk
when on you I call?

hun you keep your head up and be strong. Its hard, and it sucks. But I'll be here to help you out. we can do this...maybe not by ourselves but together im sure we can.

 
Old 02-09-2005, 09:03 PM   #4
Dance4jc
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Crying Skies -
I hope you will consider going into an inpatient program, or at least an intensive outpatient one. You are right that you can not just stop the behavior of restricting. When you go to a treatment facility, they do more than just "feed" you, they teach you, nurture you, listen to you, challenge you and support you. I know you have been told this many times, but anarexia is a serious disease. You did not choose it, it chose you, you can not escape it or out last it, you have to deal with it.

It will be the most scary thing you have ever done in your life to ask for help, but when yoiu come out on the other side, it will all be worth it. Please do this for yourself while you still can. There may not be many more tomorrows to decide.
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Old 02-09-2005, 10:23 PM   #5
SammyT
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

hey ladies! wow..i am touched. i am bulimic, but have lost a significant amount of weight myself. chrissy, i guess ur bro and b/f just doesnt know how to handle it. my dad flipped out on me aswell. and friends? sheesh! i had ta tell em..i couldnt stand their :gossip" of how wasnt eating. so..i gave in. so the whole world pretty much knows about me. but u know what? im proud of u. u know that u have a problem and u know all the dangers and thats the first step. all u have ta do is grin and bare it and gather all ur strength and get thru this!! even if u have to punch someone in the face! haha i get the urges sometimes...

take care of urself sweets!!

And Dance4jc and lovelydaze...U gguys take care aswell!

hugs and kisses

 
Old 02-09-2005, 10:48 PM   #6
cryingskies
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Thank you both...Sammy you actually got me to laugh. God knows I'd love to punch some people in the faces....but from a past experience i do not have the strength i used to....and i got knocked out lol....so I try to hold myself back now-a-days hehe. dance4jc....I've thought about it. I really have, for like the past month thats all I've thought about. I even went as far to call a lady that I knew...my ex's cousin who is a guidence counselor and working on her psychology degree, I asked her about different places and where I should go. She told me about a place in Hershey Park PA which isn't real far from me. But at the same time I have no way to pay for help.... I dont have any medical insurance...nothing. I've always known I've had a problem. but I dont know, its like I just dont see it as being "bad" enough to need help. I know that's stupid, but I dont know. I know that I am currently at such a low weight....I know it because the numbers dont match up....its like I know the number is too small...but in my eyes im still not thin....if I compare pictures of me from about a year or two years ago to pictures of me now, I can see the difference...but I just dont know...I'm confused...and now scared....
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Old 02-10-2005, 12:14 AM   #7
lovelydaze
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Hey Chris. Call me Megan. I know what you mean when you said you don't go out and you shut yourself out from the rest of the world. I used to go out all the time. I was always the life of the party. I still can be at times, but I noticed a huge change in my social life. There's certain people that I've pretty much chosen to separate myself from. My room has become my sanctuary. But I have everything in here I need, so why leave? I know that nothing outside of my room is safe. It's inevitable. I will get yelled at. For one thing or another. But shutting myself out seems to only be causing problems too. Last night after I responded to your post, I walked to the bathroom. My dad managed to get a hold of me. I spent the next 40 minutes being forced to sit and listen to him. It's more like I was curled up in a little ball on the couch crying as hard as I ever had while he stood over me yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs about everything imaginable. Of course everything was my fault. I shut myself out from the family and in turn cause family problems. By doing this I have also created a terrible relationship with my dad. I blew $10,000 I made last year. I had made terrible decisions about where I wanted to go to school because now he doesn't know how I'm going to pay for it. I have a shytty personality and because of that I supposedly have no friends. The ones I do have he said are crappy. And everything terrible going on in my life is, according to him, self-inflicted. I had never been so insulted in my life.

It does suck when people don't recognize me, but then I kind of think to myself, isn't that almost what I wanted this whole time? Maybe I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so thankful for the people that still see me as the person I've always been. I know they are the people that will always be there for me regardless of what is happening in my life.

I think jealousy is an issue for a lot of my friends. In my circle of friends, I am supposedly the smart, cute, thin one. Some of them get judgmental very quickly. These most often seem to be the people that have had poor self esteem issues in the past or that did and still do.

The whole school issue...I'm not sure what I would do. Being thin and getting a good education have always been two things I've worked extremely hard for over the years. Like, I can't give either one up. Most people would think that the two don't even compare, but they do to me. Just another sign that I have a problem. I've definitely put a lot of thought into what I would do. I want to say that it will never get to that point. However, realistically, I can't say that because I would have never thought it would have gotten as far as it did. But I guess if it was a life or death situation, I would take the time off. If anything bad were to happen to me because of this, I hope to god it is during summer so I don't miss anything, except a lot of work anyway.

I think there may have been a number of factors triggering this. It's another one of those questions that have boggled my mind for hours and days. I don't know if I'll ever know the entire answer to it. Yesterday, I was reading in my old diary from years ago. I couldn't believe what some of the entries said. Half of them talked about how much weight I wanted to lose, how long it was going to take me, and how I was going to do it. I was so young. I don't even know why I cared. I remember always being the bigger girl growing up. I was in no way, fat, but I was bigger. I know this bothered my mom, and I was often made fun of my other people. I had terrible self-esteem most of the time growing up. My mom always wanted me to be small. She used to tell me if I kept eating the way I did I would get fat. She used to tell me if I didn't eat so much, those old jeans would still fit. I would ask her if I looked fat. She would tell me that if I thought so, I should not eat so much. I remember when I was REALLY little she would exercise during the day. I must have been in kindergarten or first or second grade when she did this. One of the most dominant memories I have in my head was watching her walk up and down our basement steps for long periods of time. Even at this age, I was no idiot. I knew what she was doing. I remember long car rides, such as trips to Milwaukee, two hours away, I would concentrate on how small I thought her legs were. Then I would compare them to my own. I even used to go into my mom's sewing kit and take the tape measure. I would constantly take measures of how big certain parts of my body were. I used to take my mom's magazines and read all the articles about how to lose weight. I would exercise in the living room while telling my brother to eat all the food because I wasn't going to eat it anymore. I don't know if I was even old enough to know what fasting really was. I didn't think there was any problem with what I was doing. But even with all this, I still managed to grow up on the bigger side. I wasn't very cute at the time either. At least this is what I thought. The summer going into 8th grade, I knew I couldn't stand being the size I was anymore. I exercised all the time and ate very little. There was a significant difference in my weight. I hadn't noticed it much, but everyone else did, and so did the size of my pants. I went back to school looking pretty good. I was at a healthy weight, though I didn't do it a healthy way. And I didn't know anything about anorexia then or the little anorexia wannabe sites that you see all over the place now. That whole year though I still wanted to lose just another 5 pounds. I told myself, according to my diary, that I would be happy if I could just lose that much. When I was a freshman in high school I still wanted to be thinner. People would comment on how big my butt was. They didn't necessarily say it was a bad thing, but that's how I interpreted it. I remember over Christmas break I would go to basketball practice and not eat anything all day. Happily, I was 7 pounds lighter at the end of the week. Sophmore year I did not care about anything. I think it was probably the crazy boyfriend I had at the time. I was bad. Anyway, by the end of the year I had ballooned to almost 150 pounds. It hit me in about the middle of May how ugly I was. Looking in the mirror was unbearable. I started letting myself eat only 500 calories a day. I didn't see a problem with this either. By sometime in June I was 125 pounds. Throughout the course of that summer, I lost another 10 pounds. At this point, I hadn't had my period in 3 or 4 months. I started wondering if there was a problem with what I was doing. But what did I care? People were shocked when I went back to school. Junior year I was slightly better until about December or January. Life seemed as if it were spiraling downward. There were problems everywhere. My brother's ex-girlfriend died, my best friend was pregnant, and I was the only one who knew. By the end of that year I still managed to gain 10 pounds. So last June, I decided looking in the mirror was too hard. Also, my life was a wreck. I was working two jobs, 60 hours a week, to pay for an accident that I did not file a claim for. Not eating was one thing in my life that I could control. To this day I have no idea how thin I got last summer. I was too scared of what it might say. All I know is that I was bigger than I am now. This year, not eating was a control thing. Two of my friends had died, a couple went to jail/prison, my dad took off for a little while, I had college stress, work, school, and major problems with my home life that I'll spare you the time of reading. But i thought, well, at least I'll look cute. This is my all-time low...about 100 pounds. It used to be a goal. Now, I don't do goals. I don't care how often I weigh myself. If I don't think I'm getting smaller...I try harder. To top this off, what they say about being a perfectionist and having an eating disorder is so true. I'm one of those people that will go back and recross my "t" if it doesn't look right to me. I always got good grades in school and never settled for less. I didn't want to settle for less with my body either.

I really liked your poems by the way. They are very true and evident in my life. I like to write too, though I've never written one on my eating disorder. Maybe because it's still hard for me to admit that I have one. It's hard to even type/say the word. Thanks for letting me get this all out. I know that it's a lot. I also think that we could help each other out with this. I'll always be here for you too. Tell me whatever. Thanks again.

 
Old 02-10-2005, 01:29 AM   #8
cryingskies
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

well, megan, its nice to meet you hun.
Wow..Thats a lot to have been thru these past few years. Control. Always, an ED leads back to control of some sort....well I guess I can't say always, but most of the time....that's a lot of mine. I can't control anything else in my life, everything is so crazy, but I can control my weight, I can control what goes in my body, and what doesn't. The way your mother was with you about telling you that if you didnt eat so much you would be able to fit in your jeans, or if you thought you were getting fat to not eat so much. I can really relate to that, only it wasnt my mom, it was my real father....all I ever heard from him was don't eat that, you're going to get fat, or what are you doing?!?! he told me what I could put in my body and what I couldn't. I can remember sitting at the dinner table from 4:30 until 8 almost everynite. I was to sit there until every single bite off of my plate was gone...I sat there many nites, and many mornings when I got up that same plate was warmed and sat in front of me for breakfast and i wasnt allowed to move from that plate until I was leaving for school or until it was gone....some nites my mom would get to it and throw it away for me....but most nites I wasnt so fortunate. I don't think that people realize how much things like that affect a child. Just because you are a kid doesn't mean that you don't understand or its not going to have a profound effect on your life. I am about at the same weight as you, I weigh 103 lbs. I know this is one of my lowest weights...not the very lowest but very close to it....I am scared....I have chest pains sometimes...I know I need to do something, but im so scared that my fear holds me back from speaking up....and the fact that I know I can't pay for any help. I can also understand you losing your friends. It hurts so much to have to go to a funeral for someone who is far too young to die. Brings so many questions that you can never have answered.....I lost 4 friends...march will be two years since randy overdosed....march will also be one year since another friend of mine lost his life fighting for our country in Iraq....September will be 2 years....since my best friend died...and i take the blame for that....and then my friend jenny was found dead on her couch about 7 months ago... It tears me up bad....so I know that the loss of your friends had to really tears you up as well...I think that I could handle losing 3 of them....I think that I could have held it together....but losing my best friend and knowing that its my fault I cannot deal with...and I havent dealt with it... I wasnt allowed to say goodbye, I was forbidden to be at the veiwing or the funeral....his mother told me that she would call the police and have me escorted out if I showed up....looking back, I wish that I would have said I don't care, and went anyways...because I know that he would have wanted me there...it took almost a year before i could go to his grave....I went up on his birthday last august...he would have turned 21...I took him a dozen white roses with black tips...they were the most beautiful flowers ive ever seen....but all I could do was walk to his grave lay them down say happy birthday and walk away....I've never dealt with this because I dont know how to....to this day I've shed not one tear over this...I just keep pushing it all away inside...because i know that its too hard to deal with....I want to let it out, but almost all of my friends turned their backs on me when it happened because they all blame me as well...so I mean I dont have anyone to let it out to... crazyness...
Anyways, back to you...Don't listen to your father, dont let him make you feel that small... no one has the right to make you feel badly about yourself, and I know that he did that... You know money is the cause of a lot of fights, and its ridiculous... And you made a choice to what school that you wanted to go to...and that doesnt make it a terrible decision hun....if thats where you want to be then there are ways to help you pay for it....you can get grants, and scholarships and financial aid...there are things to help pay for your education.....And plus a lot of schools u can pay for your education once you've graduated and started your carreer. Look into all of your options hun....because remember that when one door closes another always opens, sometimes its just really hard to find...Also, are your friends there when you need them? Would they do anything for you, and you do anything for them? Can you trust them? Can they trust yuo? If so then your dad is wrong, weither he thinks they are crappy or not, they aren't. They aren't his friends, he didnt choose them....its not like a family that he choose for you....this is your choice and weither he likes it or not he can't control that part of your life, and I think that bothers him. I think that he wants you to have the friends that he would choose for you... And just because you shut yourself off from your family doesnt mean that the problems are all because of you... They may have surfaced when u shut urself out....but im sure that they were there already just under the surface being pushed back...Things like that cannot be blamed all on one person.... it takes everyone working together to make a family run smoothly....and if every single person isnt pulling then its going to get rocky sometimes....and im sure that u weren't the only one that backed off somewhat....so I dont want you to take all of the blame that yuor father is putting on you...it's not good for anyone to have all the blame on their shoulders...believe me i know...I wish that I could write more, but its 3:30 and I have to work in the morning....Not like I sleep anyways, but I always try...just end up writing until about 7 and I get up at 8....its real rough. I always look horrible....a guy I work with the other day asked me who punched me in the eyes? and I was like what are you talking about?? and he told me to go look in the mirror that I have two black eyes.... its the dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping....it really looks like someone punched me in each eye....i think a lot of when i realized that i was losing a lot of weight....i have a tattoo on my stomach, well my hip, like 3 inches below my belly button and a little to the right.....i noticed i was losing a lot of weight when my tattoo started shrinking and now it doesnt look anything like it did before... i dunno...ive gotta get goin...take care of urself meg....keep ur head up hun okay...and when u need me im here
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
Old 02-10-2005, 04:23 PM   #9
lovelydaze
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

It feels so good to get some of this out. I know you said that part of your ED was caused because of the loss of your friends, which I am truly sorry to hear about by the way. I was curious as to why you were unable to attend the funeral and why you blame yourself. Please do not blame yourself. Try to remember that everything always happens for a reason even if you can't see that reason now. Maybe someday you will. You mentioned that that friend would have wanted you at the funeral. I bet that friend would've wanted to see you happy right now too. you can't change what happened in the past, but you are able to change what is going to happen in the future.

If you knew that you could pay for recovery/treatment, do you think you would do it? Or do you think even after you agree to something like that that you would follow through with it and not give up on yourself? I'm just in awe of the people that go into recovery at lower weights that I'm at and are able to make it through.

I'll keep my head up if you do.
-megan

 
Old 02-12-2005, 12:44 AM   #10
cryingskies
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Hi hun...Well...another friend of mine and I went to my best friends house....he was her exboyfriend and he lived with my exboyfriend....but we were all very very close.....I used to party a lot, I used to drink all the time, and we were drinking...my best friend and I started to play music on our guitars together and the other two asked us to go upstairs, so we did....later on we came down, my best friend got n a fight with his ex....right before we came down the steps he kissed me told me he loved me and that he always had....which i already knew, because it wasnt the first time he told me, but he wouldnt do nething to hurt his friendship with my ex, and i wouldnt do anything to hurt the friendship with his ex, so we couldnt do anything....like not even five minutes after he told me he loved me n him and his ex got n a fight he told her to get out she came down the driveway n her brand new car...i was with her, and we lived an hour away from the boys....and so i didnt want her to leave so i got her out of the car and was like just walk with me and calm down, i always try to fix everything, and thats what i was doing, i really was just trying to fix it...and she said "let me get my keys" and isaid "You're car isnt goin nowhere you dont need to get the keys just walk" and as soon as the words were out of my mouth my best friend was n the car, he took off, i grabbed my ex and was like get n ur car we gotta go get him before he gets n trouble......and we were too drunk to be driving too, but he wrecks all the time and i knew something bad would happen, and we drove past him two times, once going down the road and once coming back, and he was already wrecked....the cops came to the house around 4....two hours later....it was all like a ntiemare, i can remember hearing her scream when they said we found ur car n we was like who cares about the car...what bout our friend n he said im sorry he didnt make it....she just screamed....I'll never forget the sound of that scream.... I thought my whole world stopped turning...his mom says its my fault....that I shouldnt have even been at the house, and that i should have let her get the keys...I know i should have.....I hate myself for that decision every single day...I couldnt goo to the funeral and say goodbye.... But how could I say goodbye anyways, to my best friend???? Its so hard...Its like someone just took my heart and ripped it out of my chest and cut it into a million tiny pieces then stomped on it...its not fair...everyone says he's in heaven, and i know its selfish but i cant help it because i dont care if he's in heaven i want him with me....and i need him...i love him...its like the sun stopped shinning in my world on that day....I used to be the life of the party too...I had a blast...my best friend and i used to sit and drink and party all the time, everyone loved it when we were together and out because we kept everyone entertained....my brother is hurt now because i used to drink with him as well...I have since i was like 15 and I wont drink with him...I havent been drunk for a year and 5 months......Since the nite he died...I never talk about this... I havent even talked to neone in my family about it...I cannot believe ive even just told you parts of the story....It hurts to bad to think about so i try to pretend like its not there....when i think about it i wanna cry, and i hate to cry and i havent cried since he died....like at all...ever....i dont know....ive been so busy with work lately im just exhausted...i hope that things go good for yuo hun, you deserve them to. You keep your head up girl...xo Chrissy
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
Old 02-12-2005, 10:18 PM   #11
lovelydaze
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Your story sent shivers down my body. Your words allowed my mind to make such a realistic picture of the events. I thank you for sharing that with me. I can't imagine how you felt or how you feel now. And I won't tell you I understand because I never could. Please remember that it was not your fault. I know you probably hear that all the time, but it's the truth whether you believe me or not. There's a reason for everything even though you don't know that reason and probably never will. There's a reason your friends died and there's a reason you have an eating disorder. In both cases, there's a reason for your suffering. I can only imagine how strong of a person you are. You will make it and you will be okay. I believe that you are strong enough to get through all this pain. And it's okay to not say goodbye. Sometimes I think it's better if you don't. Because what does goodbye really mean?

 
Old 02-13-2005, 11:08 PM   #12
cryingskies
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
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Re: Everyone just keeps screaming!!! Can someone please help

Thanks hun.... I'm not real sure what it means....all I know is this...That every single day I drive past where he lived before...before him and my ex moved in together...and I know that I dont have him with me anymore...I know that I abosolutely HATE to smile...why?......because I can never smile with my best friend....I dont even know how to describe the pain it gives me...its like half of me is gone....I mean I know that none of us are like half of a person....but I feel that when u become so close with someone you give them part of you, and they give you part of them....so I am misisng a part of me now that he is gone....I swear that its like my world stopped turning...my heart skipped a million beats.....I hate it because I cant remember his voice anymore...it kills me....he always wore curve....I was a work like the second day I was workin there and I was looking down at the counter doing something and someone walked up to the counter and I smelled it.....and it was my best friends smell...and i looked up so fast and it wasn't him...just his cologne...I had to walk away I mean it kills me...I dont talk about it...I never cried, I never cry now...I was watching the discovery health chanel today about 28 days of rehab....this lady just freaked out....she screamed and cried about different things in her life that she had never let out...she just could bearly hold herself up she was screaming so loud.... my mom said wow that lady has a right to be angry, but not insane....at the same time i was just thinking I feel like doing that...I just feel like completely exploding....I've got all this guilt, and anger and hurt and i just want it out....My brother girlfriend has been trying to get me to talk about it with her, and i wont because im afraid i will freak out andshes going to think im insane... I dont know, its hard...and it just makes me sick to my stomach wheni think about it, ill never forget the way i felt that day cuz eevn now just talking about it it makes me feel the same.... its horrible
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
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