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cryingskies 10-27-2005 12:08 AM

i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
Do you ever just feel so invisable? Like no matter what happens or what goes on noone sees you or understands u or even really cares? I dont even know what to say right now, im just so tired and frustrated and aggrivated im just so many things rolled into this big ball of just losing the ones i love and need the most right now. but hey, what a big suprise, isnt that when everyone always wwalks out, when things get rough. I mean thats the time im the nicest and try to do the most for someone, and with me when something starts to go wrong everyone starts running u know. i just wanna scream, but i wont, i will just keep locking it all up inside.....locking it up inside until i freak gaining weight to, which should be a good things, but right now for me, im just ready to freak out if i see one more thing of any kind of food because i dont want it anymore, with all these stressers i cant handle the stress of me eating so much all the time to try to get better.....i dont want to lose my progress but i dont want to lose my mind................................ohhh i dont even know

Music Note 10-27-2005 07:49 PM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
Oh my- Do I ever know how you feel. DO I EVER. I'm having one of those moments where I'm looking at my thoughts that someone else wrote down. Don't bottle your emotions up. I know you hear it all the time, and I know I do it all the time. But I also know that it helps if someone offers to listen, and sticks around. I'm going on a trip this weekend, but please tell me what's going on. I want to be as much of a help as I can. Even if that's only someone for you to talk to, and someone who doesn't think you're invisible. I mean it. You're not invisible.


cryingskies 10-27-2005 09:06 PM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
Thank you so much, you dont even know how much it means to me to know that you see me. I just feel so damn alone right now. I've lost a lot of my really close friends over the past year, they all just keep dying. its like dont get close to me because you'll die. And on thursday the 18th I had another friend get killed in Iraq.....I've had two friends get killed over there, the other 4 all died in different ways. Including my best friend, which his death haunts my every single move. I had a boyfriend.....we were together for a few months before I found out that he had been in jail for three years for assult back in wisconsin, he moved here to get away from the trouble and try to start over, he moved in with his aunt and uncle, well u know im all a bout helping people, so i was going to help him to continue to change and get better, well, in the process he gets a letter from the police out there n i saw it on the table n asked what it was n he says nothing and hides it from me, so i let it go, and like a week later he tells me he got another letter telling him he had to appear in court or there would be a warrant out for his arrest and he was being charged with aggrivated assult and it would be a i mean that had me completely stressed out, well before he leaves to go the like 6 hours n a plane away he asks me if he can chill with his ex girl, which i dont even know why he asked n before i could even answer he says nevermind i care about u and us too much to do that im just gonna stay with my grandma (who is a ********) go to court and come back to u okay i believe him n i say okay...and then he comes home and he tells me he called her to come over n hang out n that he didnt stay with his gma, and just stupid crap and it makes me not trust him, but i guess he doesnt care, so all we do is fight anymore, well i couldnt take it, i broke up with him last nite, tonite he keeps calling n i wouldnt talk to him n i just got a message on my cell and i called to get the message and it him saying i dont wanna be done, i still wanna be with u but i guess u dont wanna be with me or u wouldnt have broken up with me, so i dont know how this is gonna work, please call me.....i dont know what to do...........i hate stress........ im gaining so much weight, i hate it and i love it and i hate it again, and now with all the stress it makes me wanna go to my old ways n quit eating again urgh its so frustrating......

how are u doing? Where u goin away this weekend.....hope u have a lot of fun hun. thanks again

firewtr38 10-28-2005 04:55 AM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
Hey there
You really have a lot going on! I completely hear you when you say you feel invisible. Sometimes I feel that way too. But I also know that I myself don't tend to reach out and ask for help so I just end up fueling my invisibility. No wonder you want to revert back to your old ways! Look at all the stress, the loss, the hurt from your boyfriend. My god I completely see where it is coming from. I know that when I get stressed I want to revert back too. It makes sense because you are comfortable and know how to not eat. Having to deal with the stress and still work on recovery, gaining weight and eating "normally" is incredibly overwhelming. It really sounds like you need some support and some space from your boyfriend (or ex). You deserve to have someone take care of you right now, support you and provide you with what you need. It sounds like you spend so much time focusing on others and helping them that you end up feeling even more invisible. God I know that I can relate to that! It's a heck of a lot easier to focus on other people's stuff and help them out then focus on our own or ask for help.
Well, I basically want you to know that I too see you and you are NOT invisible to me. So if you need someone else to talk too also I'm around. :)

Take care of yourself

cryingskies 10-30-2005 10:38 PM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
thank you Lauren. I appreciate it that u see me too. . . and im not invisable to you. to be honest I really could talk to someone right now. I would really appreciate it to talk to you. And I thank you more than you could ever know for putting the offer out there to me right now when I really really need it the most. I broke up with my boyfriend n i wrote him a letter n told him all kinds of stuff n it i couldnt handle....but i didnt give it to him....but told me all kinds of things he hid from me...and he went to see his gram a few months ago, she was n the hospital n wisconsin and he has been living here i live n pa but hes n wv, but he went up there to see her n the hospital and he got charged with aggrivated assult, which is a felony, . and while hes up there, the last nite he was there he freakin went out to a bar with some dumb friend of his and got n a fight and stabbed someone, and gets arrested, his aunt and uncle that he lives with down here bailed him out of jail and he never told me......well he gets the papers saying hes being charged with aggrivated assult, its a felony n he has to go to court, and so he finally tells me that he got arrested the last nite he was up there and tells me hes being charged and whats going on, and i had gained ten pounds up until that point, when he told me, n i hadnt been getting on scales or looking n mirrors cuz i knew if i did id lose my progress n freak out, n i dunno i got so stressed n upset, i said i need to get away a sec n i got up and walked n the bathroom to get out of his presence so i could try to get myself together,i wasnt crying but i wanted to n i just needed to breathe a minute, n i walked n there sat on the side of the tub with my head n my hands n a scale was right under my head, i was staring right at it, n i got on it and thats when i knew i had gained ten pounds, i was 108, the first time id been that n over a year. and i just freaked out. n i finally get it together to goo back out n he says well baby thats not all...THATS NOT ALL WHAT THE HELL ELSE HAVE U HID FROM ME?! n thats when he told me he was n jail for 3 years for 6 counts of assult. but yet he just kept tellin me n tellin me that he would get off. he's like i ahvent had ne charges n 3 years...UH NO **** DUMMY U WERE N JAIL UVE ONLY BEEN OUT OF JAIL 8 MONTHS!! i mean hes had another charge of assult, worse than the first six, its aggrivated assult with a deadly weapon u know, and he is trying to convince me they are gonna drop it to a misdemeanor n let him walk no way are they goonna do that, not when hes getting charged again in less than a year since he's been out...well when he went up for his initial court date, to plead not guilty, to something he even told me that he did. and then come home, he was supposed to stay with his grandma, the ********, and get up go to court n then go back to his grams and then come home, he told me thats what he would do, because before hand he asked me if he could go hang out with his ex girlfriend, and then didnt know why i got an attitude with him when he asked me that....but then he changed his mind before i could even answer, i guess i gave him a horrible look and he said that i meant too much to him that he wouldnt do that to me or to us, well he comes home n we were talking, and he proceeds to tell me how he didnt stay at his gmas but at some boys house, and he called his ex girlfriend and asked her to come over n hang out.....and i hung up on him, i couldnt even say nething cuz i knew id go nuts and he called back like five minutes later n my mom told him that i left (this was just the other day, like wednesday afternoon) I just didnt want to talk to him at that point, i always cool down before i talk so i dont say something i will regret, (my aunt told me i was a pot head thats all i ever was n thats all id ever be n that i would get raped and die of aids.....out of anger.....little did she know i already got raped like 5 times and thats why i f***** drank and smoked pot so much....but thats a whole other story) and the next morning im on my way to work at like 6:30 n my cell beeped n said i had a message, and so i called n got it and it says something bout how me hanging up on him doesnt help him to like me,and then he said that i was a psycho and no reason to be mad because if he wouldnt have told me he was talkin to his ex and invited her over n didnt stay at his grandmas i would have never i called him when i got off work to break up with him, and i told him thats my point, u lied to me, u told me ud stay at ur grams and u wouldnt see ur ex and u called ur ex up to come over n was at one of ur boys houses, how do i know u werent having sex with her the whole time u were there???but n ur eyes im in the wrong for getting mad at u..... I said this just isnt working out....i cant do this anymore.... and it was his lil counsins b-day party, and his mom didnt raise him, like his gma took him home from the hospital and his real mom was down here for a visit for a week, n she was sittin beside him when i broke up with him, and he was like okay cool and i didnt say nething i was floored when he said that when i said this isnt working out and i was done with it, and he was like okay baby give me a call later, yeah okay ill talk to u later, bye bye.... n the whole time i just sat there silently, thinking what the hell u know. and then he started, the past couple days have been hell all he does is call a million times. n i wrote that letter to read to him, and the more i thought about it, cuz it was a letter to work things out with him, n the more i thought about it, i dont want to, so im done with it. my friend was killed n iraq and we buried him last week, he was a lance corpral n the marines....he was doing real good for hisself, doing what he loved to do, he loved being n the marines, and loved being n iraq helping to free the people....and i told my boyfriend, ex now, that he died and u know i was pretty upset about it, he is my friend u know, a boy ive known for a long time, and went to school with and spent every day with for a lot of years and jason (my ex) didnt even say are u okay, he didnt hug me he didnt say nothing he just ignored me....he always ignored me, and then he would want me to talk ot him about things n my life n i wouldnt because if i do he ignores me. like i said earlier, I've been raped before, 5 times.... and Jason and I were playing around on his couch....I had sex with him one time before that. I made him wait a very long time befor eI would tho, and i told himm i had been thru some bad tihngs n my past and that i was abused badly (I hate to say ive been raped, i feel like it sounds so bad u know) and that it was hard for me to be intimate with him....and he said he understood and i mean he did, he never talked to me about it or anything but he never pressured me, he told me i wsa the only person who ever made him work for it, that everone else made it easy, but he said he liked that about me, but like i said i had already had sex with him by this point n we were playing around on the couch at his aunts house and it was just us two there, and he sat on my body and grabbed my arms and pinned me down, and i started frreaking out n i was like let me up let me up let me up please jason get off of me im serious n i was screaming i started crying really hard and bad, and i never cry and he jumped back n was like what n i was like u cant pin my arms down ,and he would get mad, he idnt even understand that, because we were in the middle of having sex, and i even sat down that nite n explained to him, look it makes me feel like im back n those 5 nites when u do that to me. and i guess he didnt get it, ebcause we were n the middle of having sex out at this really pretty outlook just him and i and the outdoors, and it was nice, it was the nite before he was going to court, very recently, n he pinned my arms down and i freaked out, and i dont know if in his sick ****ing twisted mind i dont even know girl, i dont even know, but he pinned my arms down and just kept on going and the more i would freak out it was like the more it turned him on and i got up i dont even know how i guess i got so mad and freaked out it let me get up and i was like get n that car right now n tke me home, that started this whole entire ordeal, thats what got me questioning him. I mean he knew i was raped and he knew that was the way that he held me down and for him to do that to me and then be turned on by it..... I just wanna cry so hard right now.....maybe this is too much information for me to be putting out there. if it is im very sorry, i just got so much confusion nd anger and stress n me right now im going to explode..... oh oh oh please pray for my 93 yr old patient (ima home care nurse) shes dying of cancer and she just wants to live.....i think everyone might need to hear this story here, she is dying, she is in horrible terrible pain and just fighting her hardest to live....and here we all are, slowly killing ourselves, and a lot of us arent even fighting as hard as she is, and we are losing our lives just the same, maybe a lost slower, but we still are too......something else to think about....but if u pray please pray for her to just not be in pain anymore......

how are u lauren....thank u so much hun, id like too hear whatever ud like to tell me about u or about all of this mess ive told u, if u can make any sense out of it and try to help me pull it toogether somehow id appreciate it so much cuz im lost at this point, i need help

firewtr38 10-31-2005 09:10 AM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
All I can say is wow! That is a lot of stuff and it sounds like your boyfriend/exboyfriend is a piece of work. I'm sure it's really hard to have set limits with him and broken it off but it really sounds like it'll be a good thing if you can stick to your guns. He sounds downright abusive in my opinion! I mean, he sends all kinds of mixed messages, especially with the sex. He respects you then he doesn't. Then he traumatizes you again by being really forceful during sex. I mean, come on! That is NOT ok! You deserve much better than that. MUCH better!
It sounds like you're really struggling and that based on what has happened to you in your past you don't think you deserve anything better or you don't really know what it's like to be cared about without abuse attached to it. I mean that's kind of what ED tells us too. We don't know how to just be without harming ourselves. Our self worth is really in the toilet.
The thing is, that you DO deserve much better and you are 100% worth it! We need to tell ourselves that every day. 100x a day if necessary. It's really hard to do it but it's true.
I'm so sorry about your friend in Iraq. I guess the good thing is that he loved being a marine and he died doing what it was he loved. That's the tiny silver lining in the whole tragedy.
I will definitely pray for your patient! Sounds like my gram. She's 94 and was diagnosed with cancer in July. She doesn't have too much time left but god she's living it up for all it's worth. God bless these people! I wish I had half the will they do!
Hang in there and keep on writing. I'll always listen :)


MistiGrace 10-31-2005 12:04 PM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
I'm here, too. I'll listen and pray always--you can count on it!

cryingskies 11-01-2005 10:20 PM

Re: i dont know~i just dont know....invisable
thank you guys so much, I appreciate it more than you know. I have gained some weight, so thats a plus right, and I kept on the ten pounds I had gained before, so i guess im doing good....its so hard though, especially witha ll the added stress you know. But I think its paying off as well, when I'm hating myself the most because of my weight gain someone makes me feel better, like this morning, my friend and her man broke up because she was horrible to him and then left him n he come up to me n sheetz at like 6 this morning and was like chrissy i wanna take u out sometime, can I do that, would u go on a date with me, and i was like yea, n it just made me feel a lot better about myself, and another guy has been callin me, I went n played some pool with him tonite. Like i said it brings my confidence up, but they both know that im not getting into anything serious right now, im just trying to get myself together n have a little fun in the process....they both accept my little girl. My ex did. I told him from the start I had her n she would come first, and he didnt accept it once we got into our relationship......How are u ladies doing? I've been writing a lot lately. I write poetry to get stuff out because i dont talk to people about my problems, maybe tomorrow ill share some it.....take care and keep ur head up, ima pray for ur gram lauren, and u give her a kiss for me and tell her thank you for putting a smile on ur face........thank u all for praying for ms neva........shes doing so badly today, she wont talk to us anymore, its so hard for me........i told her today that its okay that she can go, that i would stay and hold her hand, and she stopped breathing and this huge smile came across her face, n i watched the clock it was like 40 seconds and then she took a breath, I really thought she was gone.....its hard. it is, but i have to suck it up because im the caregiver and the family needs me to keep it togehter and be strong u know. well im so beat, i have to lay down. keep ur chin up

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