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    Old 02-28-2006, 07:50 PM   #1
    Jonistyle2
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    donut ... help!

    okay, i really need some support. for those of you who don't know, i'm already on a REALLY high calorie diet to gain weight. my assignment this week was to go above my calories significantly on two different days by eating an "indulgence" of sorts (like something extra that i'd normally not eat in addition to my 3300 calories i'm already eating every day. ie: cake at my job, a treat just because, a shake for fun, etc).

    so ... tonight i decided i should do it and went to this bakery to pick something. well, i picked this stupid chocolate long john (BIG) and ate it and felt horrible the whole time. i wanted to just get a cookie, but i felt like i was wimping out because i knew the cookie couldn't be more than like 300 calories. so i was brave and ate the nasty donut and i feel like SH** now!!! it was probably like 600 calories, why did i FORCE myself to eat it??? i hate this! i wanted to throw it out after 1/2 cuz i hadn't realized how BIG it actually was, but again, i felt like i was wimping out and not doing what i was supposed to, so again, I FORCED myself to finish the dam* thing. i probably ate nearly 4000 calories today. this is not normal or healthy, it's sick!

    please give me some help and support, girls. as you can see, i really need it right now. i don't know what to do. did i make the right decision? to pick it and then to finish it? or should i have picked something i felt more comfortable with? after all, i eat A LOT everyday, so it's not at all normal to eat an extra 600. an extra 300 WOULD be an "indulgence," right? my therapist said this would be really tough and i'd want to restrict or exercise after it, and i can feel those urges (although i know i won't give in to them). but i just feel SO bad about myself and i feel like for my next "indulgence," i'm definitely not gonna want to pick anything "bigger" than 300 calories TOPS. ugh! i'm so frustrated! i just feel like this plan is f***ing freakish! like i could understand if it was like one "indulgence" IN PLACE OF something in my diet (ie: i eat a big ol' piece of cheesecake INSTEAD of my 400 calorie dessert i normally have), but this is ridiculous. i have to have BOTH! how can i NOT choose something "lighter"??? gluttonous, sick and stupid - that's how i feel right now. please help . . .

     
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    Old 02-28-2006, 08:46 PM   #2
    Natalie00
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    Re: donut ... help!

    Aww, Joni...it's gonna be OK!! If you are on still on the boards, go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and that donut will be OUT OF MIND. That donut was yesterday.

    I don't think it was wrong of you to force yourself to eat it. You were following the advice of your doctor (or nutritionist?). You did the RIGHT thing to aid in your recovery. It feels like the wrong thing now, but your goal is to gain weight, right?? So eating ANYTHING-PERIOD-Isn't wrong, no matter how many calories.

    No more nasty donuts for you. If you are still on the assignment to eat an indulgence, next time pick out something really good to savor. Go to a good bakery.

    You did nothing wrong and this donut no longer exists....out of sight, out of mind...tomorrow is another day.

    Last edited by Natalie00; 02-28-2006 at 08:46 PM.

     
    Old 02-28-2006, 09:28 PM   #3
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    Re: donut ... help!

    Hi Joni!!

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time.

    Try not to worry this thing to death, you did exactly the right thing by doing what your nutritionist told you to. Do you think you'd feel better if you had ignored what she told you? No way, you'd feel worse b/c that would be the opposite of trying to recover. I think you'd feel better though if for your next higher calorie choice you pick something that you are absolutely dying for, regardless of how many calories are in it. I mean, obviously you don't want to choose something that's not going to be enough, but as long as it's at least X amount of calories and it's something you really really want, go for it!! Besides, you have been saying that you feel like you're stuck where you are even though you've been trying so hard and for so long, maybe this is going to help give you that extra push forward so you won't be "stuck" anymore, you know? And remember what I told you that book said, that you have to expect to go through both some emotional and physical pain while going through the recovery process? (I'm sure you already know all of that since you're much further along in recovery.) Anyway, I guess you're going through one of those really painful parts of the process. Just try to grit your teeth and get through this part, then it's on to smoother sailing again (for a while at least maybe). Please just keep trying, you have been doing soooo great, and I'm so proud of you!!

    I'm not sure if any of what I'm saying is sound advice or not, like I've said before, I find it difficult to try to help others who are much further along than me b/c I'm not sure if I really know what I'm talking about or not.

    I'm actually going to a nutritionist for the first time this Thursday, and I'm really excited about it, hoping I'll learn alot and maybe be able to give out better advice on this board after that too-lol!!

     
    Old 02-28-2006, 10:50 PM   #4
    LS289
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    Re: donut ... help!

    Joni - I am so proud of you!!! Honestly, the fact that you were strong enough to get that donut in the first place is SO wonderful! The hardest part was probably going out to that bakery and choosing it. This is NOT going to be easy and it's not supposed to be. The whole reason you have a nutritionist, a meal plan, a therapist, etc is because feeling the way that you are feeling right now is NORMAL and EXPECTED and you need support. Your body is burning calories like crazy (like I said in the other post) and so it is not "abnormal" or "disgusting" to eat 4000 calories a day...it is necessary for you. A person who is 5' tall and doesn't exercise might need 1800 calories a day...a person who is training for a marathon and runs 10 miles a day might need 8000 calories a day...a person who is 5'6" and exercises 30 mins a day might need 2300 calories a day..but those are all arbitrary...EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE is different. It depends on 10000 different factors. Right now you need to gain weight and your metabolism is on super high - you NEEDED that donut and you NEED your "indulgence" tomorrow (or whenever you choose to do day #2). As hard as it is, try not to beat yourself up over it or exercise it off - that is counterproductive and you know that.

    Your feeling of disgust will go away by tomorrow and instead of feeling bad about that donut, you should feel proud. Look at how far you've come mentally and how much wiser and more mature you are about everything. That is something to seriously be proud of.

    I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this. Keep hanging in there - you're doing so awesome!

     
    Old 03-01-2006, 07:18 AM   #5
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    Re: donut ... help!

    oh you girls! thank you SO much for EVERYTHING you said. i was talking to my boyfriend last night (in between cursing about the donut) and i was like, "i know for sure that these 3 girls on my boards will respond cuz they really care and want to help." then to see that you'd all written back by the time i got to work? it means a lot to me, sincerely. so, thank you!

    you were all right. i DO feel somewhat better about it today, although not totally better. i still regret it and hate it and may never eat a long john again in my life, lol! i think you hit on the problem when you all told me to pick something i'm absolutely DYING FOR next time. this time, i wanted the cookie, but i choose the donut, not cuz i wanted it, but because it was high calories. that was really the only reason. so i didn't enjoy it and i felt like SH** afterwards. if there had been a luscious looking brownie (i LOVE brownies!), maybe i wouldn't have felt so bad even if i estimated it to be 600 calories, you know? cuz i wouldn't have truly been TREATING myself, not just force-feeding high calories to myself. does this seem like a good way to look at it? so like for next time, i go to X place to pick something and if there's something GREAT looking, i definitely get it, even if it's huge! BUT, if nothing strikes me, then i get something that looks GOOD (ie: the cookie), not just any other old thing because i KNOW it's high calories. i think that's why i felt SO bad. that donut was merely a "high calorie food," in my brain. it wasn't something i truly wanted and could enjoy, so therefore i didn't enjoy it at all. i just feel so bad now. why did i do that to myself? i feel fat and nasty and disappointed, ugh.

    man, dawgfan, what you said about recovery being "painful" at times, i'm feeling it. it really is. but again, you're right. i keep reminding myself that i've felt SO stagnated and stuck and like i'm not recovering at all lately. so, yeah, this REALLY sucks. but at least i'm DOING something, right? at least i'm making my ED shake and worry, right?

    anyway, thank you all SO much for your advice (and keep it coming!) we've been building a really great web of support on these boards and i know it's helped me and i hope it's helped you all.

     
    Old 03-01-2006, 10:12 AM   #6
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    Re: donut ... help!

    Joni--
    You saying that you just feel nasty and fat and disappointed really are just that painful part of recovery. But try to think about it this way, if you got on a scale and weighed today, do you honestly think you will have gained a ton of weight just from that one donut? I guess the main thing you feel bad about is maybe not so much the weight part of it, it's the fact that you ate something b/c you felt like you had to eat it rather than just getting something b/c you really wanted it (sounds just like that whole b-day cake thing in your office, doesn't it?) I think the key for you is to never eat a certain food if you feel like you would really rather not have it, b/c then you end up feeling like you let yourself be forced into it, and that's makes you feel way worse than any of the calorie part of it, right? Try to remember, just follow the guidelines of your nutritionist, and incorporate things that you really want and would enjoy eating into it and I think you'll feel much better about yourself. Please DO NOT beat yourself up over this one time either, physically you did exactly what you were supposed to do, it's just the emotional part that you're upset over--forgive yourself (even though there's really nothing to forgive)--and keep going, you have been doing soooo great so far, and I am so proud of you. Your success is one thing that has really helped keep pushing me along, I hope you realize you really are helping alot of people on this board, not only with your advice, but also with your own recovery story.

    Speaking of nutritionists, I'm going for the first time tomorrow. One thing I was wondering was will she go ahead and give me some kind of a meal plan or at least some kind of guidelines for eating now, or will she not do that since it's just the initial consultation? I feel like I really need someone to just tell me what I should be eating, and I don't really want to have to wait until another appt, I need this NOW! I haven't eaten anything since Fri (have been drinking a good bit of skim milk w/lite choc syrup, and some Coke, and even had some hot chocolate b/c of not being able to warm up--I hate coffee), but anyway, I know I need to eat something soon, not eating is so addictive to me, I know if I wait much longer, it's going to be extremely hard to get myself to eat at all (I went through this before and lost way too much weight very quickly)--this is why I want to get help asap.

     
    Old 03-01-2006, 12:08 PM   #7
    Jonistyle2
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    Re: donut ... help!

    ooo, sweetie! the not eating at all really worries me! i'm REALLY glad you're going in tomorrow to the nutritionist. tell her how long it's been since you ate something and INSIST upon a meal plan immediately. i'm sure she'll give you some sort of guidelines to start out with, even if she hadn't planned on it beforehand. just tell her you need some sort of plan to walk out the door with, even if it's not a permanent plan, okay? you can't go on like this, it's too dangerous (as i'm sure you know).

    thanks so much for your kind words and advice. i know that you're right . . . whenever i eat something because i FORCE myself to (outside of forcing myself to stick to my meal plan, that doesn't bother me at all), i always end up feeling horrible. next time for the treat, i'm gonna REALLY just try to decide what i WANT, not what i feel i should have. and if that's just a hot cocoa, then that's all it is. and if it's cheesecake, then it is. but whatever it is, i hope i can choose according to my desire and then enjoy it. maybe i'll feel bad anyway, but at least i won't feel MORE bad cuz i ate something i didn't even want, you know?

    but, it's just SO hard to break out of this calorie obsession when you know the calories of EVERYTHING! ugh, frustrating. i'm starting to realize how long and tough this struggle is gonna be, i guess. i'd like to think that i can be "free" with my decisions and choose a slice of 4-layer cake OR a rice krispie treat depending on what i honestly want, but i don't know if i can do that. it just immediately turns into this "ED game" in my mind. it's like, "well i could be brave and have cake OR i could have a rice krispie treat cuz they're good too and not so high cal." that mentality sets in SO quickly that i can't even tell what i truly want anymore and it becomes ALL about the calories! do any of you have any advice on how to deal with this situation? how to shut that stupid ed voice up and just listen to my body for once? or at least how to work on getting to that point? i thought it'd be easier, i guess.

    anyway, thanks again for your post. i know you don't think you're "qualified" enough to really offer advice, but honey, YOU ARE! i know you're just beginning to recover, but that doesn't mean you don't have LOTS of valid, caring things to say. i really appreciate that you say some of them to me. so keep posting advice to me whenever you've got some . . . it really helps!

     
    Old 03-01-2006, 03:00 PM   #8
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    Re: donut ... help!

    About the calorie obsession thing, I know exactly what you mean. It is soooo much easier to say to yourself "okay, I'm just gonna eat whatever I want and not worry about it", but when it comes down to actually eating it, you just can't stop the thoughts about the actual number of calories that you're about to consume, and whether or not you could be making a better choice. I think once those kinds of thoughts are so ingrained, it's almost impossible to let yourself be free to eat whatever and not think about counting the cals. The only thing that has worked for me even a little bit is distraction. If I can get really involved in a conversation at the same time I'm eating, I can actually make myself forget about the fact that I'm eating. My only problem is, later when I'm alone with my thoughts, I end up thinking about the fact that I'm full, and all of the calories I just ate, all of that stuff, and then I end up doing some kind of exercise or just mentally beating myself up. So I guess if I could just figure out a way to continue to distract myself until I don't feel full anymore, maybe that would work. Maybe that kind of thing would work for you? I'm not sure of any other ways around the constantly being obsessed with the calories in every single thing we eat. Maybe it's just a really bad habit that we all have to unlearn--after all, just like any other habit, it's something we learned to do, and if we can learn it, we can unlearn it. Obviously the big question there is HOW???

    Oh well, maybe someone else here will have some good advice for that.

    I do realize that I can't keep up with no food. The really weird thing is, I don't even really feel it. I mean, I haven't had one single bite of ANYTHING in several days, and I don't even feel like I'm starving. I guess all of the liquids I've been drinking are making up for the lack of food in making me feel full. Maybe it's not as dangerous as long as I'm drinking alot of calories. I figure I'm drinking between 800 and 1000 calories each day. So, if calories are the same no matter what the source is, that's not too unsafe, right? I mean, lots of people who are actually eating food sometimes get fewer calories than I am in the liquids I'm drinking. I'm also still exercising, but I've cut the time completely in half, so at least I've made a huge improvement there.

    It's good to know my advice is helping, I think it actually helps me too when I concentrate on how to help someone else. But the advice I get from you and the other girls here help me more than anything else. There's no way I'd be going to see a nutritionist if it weren't for all the things I've heard from all of you guys. So, Thank You!!! And please keep the advice coming!!

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 02:13 PM   #9
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    Re: donut ... help!

    what do you drink to consume 800 to 1000 cals a day may is ask ?

     
    Old 03-02-2006, 02:26 PM   #10
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    Re: donut ... help!

    I drink anywhere from 48 to 64 oz of skim milk, but I mix each glass that I have with some lite chocolate syrup. Sometimes I drink a can of coke or a mug or 2 of hot chocolate.

    I went to the nutritionist today though, and she has given me a meal plan to work with, and I am supposed to eventually try to cut out some milk for some sources of meat (protein). I did pretty well today, I had a half a turkey sandwich for lunch!!! That's the first time I have eaten lunch in about 5 months. It was extremely difficult, and I was dying to exercise afterwards, but my best friend was with me and she talked me through it. I also gave her my scale so I wouldn't be tempted to weigh myself all the time now that I'm trying to start eating again, since that would just be counter-productive for me. That part was even more difficult for me than the actual eating and the not exercising, but I did it!!!

     
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