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    Old 05-12-2006, 04:03 PM   #31
    Jonistyle4
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    thanks! and i know this thread comes off as sort of "exclusive" but PLEASE feel free to post here and give us both advice and ask for questions, k? we need help too! thanks again for the sweet comment and i'm glad these boards are helping you too!

     
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    Old 05-12-2006, 10:09 PM   #32
    LS289
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    I am so glad that we are an inspiration to you! Don't be discouraged if I ever write something non-inspirational because I definitely have my days when ED is running the show. Overall, though, I'm extremely excited about recovery and even just one week in outpatient therapy has made an impact on me. As Joni said, I hope no one feels excluded from this post and I would LOVE to hear any opinions/suggestions from anyone on the boards at any time!

    Ok, moving on....Today has been just o.k. I am having a really hard time following my meal plan (not really following it at all), but I AM eating more and that has really started to bother me. Tonight I was eating a burrito and afterwards I was telling my mom some stuff that I talked about in group, etc..and I almost felt ridiculous. I am not too thin, I just ate this gigantic burrito, and I'm talking about my therapy session??? What for!? I can imagine that recovery is especially hard when you reach a normal weight b/c then you just feel like you have no business talking about anorexia/bulimia. It's like an alcoholic talking about how hard AA was when he hasn't had a drink in 14 years and no longer has a drinking problem. But see, THAT does not seem weird.
    Do you know what I'm saying? It's just that I don't feel like I can talk about my E.D. unless I am fully in it and restricting, exercising, etc, otherwise I am sort of "faking it."

    I am VERY proud of myself for a couple of things though. Each day in group we have Goal Setting. It is extremely helpful b/c you write your goals on this huge easel in front of the whole group and then you have to check in the next day and see if you accomplished any or all of your goals. So instead of just saying "I'm going to try and follow my meal plan tomorrow, but it doesn't REALLY matter if I don't b/c no one will know anyway" you say "Well, everyone knows that my goal is to ____, so it will be kind of embarassing if I keep putting it off." My goals for the weekend that I set on thursday (we don't meet again til monday) were my meal plan, write in my journal (a specific topic), exercise only once, and do something spontaneous. The last one is one of the most important b/c I feel like that is one thing my E.D. has stopped me from being. "I am going to go home and make my "safe" lunch and tell so-and-so I have errands to do so I can't meet for lunch" or "I am not going to go out tonight b/c I did not plan on it and I ate too much." Those are such ridiculous excuses and they only make me more depressed!!! SOOOOO, yesterday my friends called at 7 and said "let's meet for a drink!" I had planned on doing yoga at 7:30 so at first I said I didn't know if I could. But then something clicked and I thought WHAT AM I DOING...I HAVE TO GO! So I went, and it ended up being so great! I didn't stay out too late and I was in complete control of the situation (which is something I worry about), so it reinforced this good behavior!
    THEN, today, I was going to just go home and eat lunch, but my best friend has been BEGGING me to come in to the restaurant she works in for weeks. I always have some excuse as to why I can't come in, but FINALLY, today I made myself go! It was so wonderful!! She was so happy to see me come in and I felt really proud of myself to do something on the spur of the moment like that!

    Sorry this has been so long, but I just wanted to tell you about the mental blocks that I am starting to overcome. It's so liberating!!!!
    This is not to say I am not still having a really difficult time with the food and other parts of recovery, but I am definitely making progress...

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:20 PM   #33
    PinstripedBabe
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    LS- good job on the spur of the moment thingy!! In the end, don't you realize how much more fun it is to do things like that then to make excuses.
    (i should really take my own advice)..
    But yea, i can totally relate with the whole eating plan thing. My nutritionist has me on a 2600 calorie diet and its so hard to follow (mentally). i never follow it until the week before i go in and im forced to write down everything i eat and then they weigh me. The only thing is, your getting help and im not. No one knows i have an eating disorder except for me and the only few people on this thread who dont even know me personally. I just don't know how to tell my mom "i want help." i dont know why but theres like a major block. like i want to go say it and then i just can't get it out. its kinda fustrating.

    I definetly have made improvements though. for luch today i had:
    chicken wrap w/ mozzarella cheese, large apple and 2 cookies.
    thats way more then what i used to have (half a peanut butter sandwhich and a small apple)
    i felt so good after i ate. i was like "great job you did it." and i was in such a good mood but then when i got home from school i felt ed feelings. then all i had for dinner was a lousy lean cuisine meal. its like my attitude towards food and my body are like some pregnant woman with some outragous hormone changes causing gigantic moodswings.


    earlier today i was getting ready for a sweet sixteen and i didnt like the way the dress looked on me and it was so uncomfortable so i just started crying in my room and of course my mom heard me and came running and i started SCREAMING and yelling for her to leave me alone and to not talk to me...i got all light headed from hyperventalating (if thats how you spell it). It was so scary i had no idea what was going on with me. like i didnt recognize myself, you know what i mean?..does anybody know what im talking about? well anyway, I just got home from the sweet sixteen and i didn't touch any meal like foods. Everyone was like "are you crazy the foods amazing, have some." but i ALWAYS say "no thanks i ate before i came im not hungry." ughh, i wanted the baked ziti so badly. afterwords though, i did have a small peice of chocolate cake!

    Sorry if the way i wrote this post seems messy and like im rambling and just making absolutley no sense but thats what the thoughts are kind of like in mymind..all jumble... ............

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 11:54 PM   #34
    LS289
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Pinstriped,
    First of all, I am SO happy that you are on a meal plan, but you HAVE to follow it! What is your history? Are you anorexic or bulimic? And how are you seeing a nutritionist if your mom doesn't even know you have a problem? Are you seeing one secretly? Did you seek her out yourself? Whatever the case, you definitely have a problem that needs to be addressed and we are all here to support you. Like you said in the first line of your post to me, "don't you realize how much more fun it is to do things like that then to make excuses"? YES! And don't you agree? I mean, you said it! It's so amazing how free you can be if you just let go of your ED and it DOES NOT mean that you have to be fat/obese/depressed or give up anything but the ED.

    Feeling as bad about yourself as you did before the Sweet Sixteen is not normal. You don't deserve to have to feel that badly for no reason. You should be able to go to the party, have fun, and EAT the baked ziti! The longer you restrict yourself from having fun (and eating the foods you love), the more likely you will be to binge and then become more unhappy. Trust me - if I don't let myself have chocolate for a while (my weakeness), I will eat massive amounts of it in one sitting and then feel disgusting. That is no way to live.

    I know that it's easy to think that everything's fine for a few days, then it gets bad, then it's fine, then it's bad, and so why bother telling your mom or asking for help? But the truth is, you should not feel that way even ONE day in your entire life! So why put up with it. Get help now before you are like one girl in my outpatient group - 36 years old, has had her ED for 18 years, and is extremely hopeless and depressed. I feel so horrible for her. At least she is in the clinic, but I just hope she can overcome this since it is so engrained in her mind.

    Anyway, hope my advice helps and I mean that about us all being here for you if you ever want to talk. I always post the most ridiculous things...it's normal here! Haha. Have a wonderful night!
    LS

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 12:15 AM   #35
    PinstripedBabe
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    thanks, every post here really helps..

    my history is this (ill make it short):
    back in 8th grade i thought i was fat (i wasnt!!)so i lost a ton of weight. hair was fallin out..mom getting worried..took me to a specialist. when i got there they like examined me and everything and asked me all these question. but w/ the questions, i knew what they were looking for (a disorder) so everything they asked me like "do you think any part of your body is TOO fat" i just completley lied about. I figure skate and dance so they just figured, an active teen who's not eating enough..shes eating..but not enough and shes fine with herself so she doesnt have a disorder. i never purged before in my life and i definetly dont plan to and i cant remember a day in my life eating under 1100 calories. so ya know nothing to the EXTREME. and everytime i go, i walk in with this fun-spirited attitude and they think im so happy. i always walk out so confident but time tends to dwindle the feeling down to nothing.

    The first time i went they took extensive blood tests and when the results came back it shouwed i had a malnourished liver. They told me i needed to fix eat my adding more fats (and i definetly have been!) but that day in the office, mom mom broke down and was crying. she said "i cant believe it, i go food shopping 2-3 times a week b/c my biggest fear is not being able to feed my children and your malnourished." i felt so guilty like, wow your mother works so hard to pay for food to keep you healthy and there you go throwing away half that sandwhich. but i just couldnt help it! like ed was telling me, its no big deal that your mother is so worried.

    well back to that whole 8th grade thing when i thought i was fat...now i look at pictures from 8th grade and im like "wow whats wrong with me, i looked gorgous there was nothing wrong w/ me there. y did i think i was fat??" And i honestly want to get back to that so badly but its just so hard. i dont know why it doesnt make any sense. Why am i struggling to get back to someting i want when its totally possible. all i have to do is eat sufficently..but i cant..but i wanna get back to 8th grade weight..and i can but im struggling and so on and so forth.

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 11:09 AM   #36
    LS289
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Oh, sweetie...I totally know how you feel! First of all, do not try to make sense of it b/c it will NEVER make sense. I try to make sense of my thoughts/feelings everyday and I never can b/c ED is nonsensical! It's like having two people saying completely opposite things and you just have to pick ONE to side with - there is never really a happy medium in a situation like this. Your healthy voice is saying "eat this well-balanced turkey sandwich with avocado and mayonnaise b/c you need the fat and the whole grains and the protein," but then ED chimes in and says "are you kidding!? Mayonnaise? Yeah right! You will get SO fat if you eat that little bit of mayonnaise...do NOT eat it." Who do you listen to? Well, obviously I am hoping you get strong enough to start listening to the healthy voice (b/c that is the more logical voice), but I know right now you'll more often listen to Ed's voice.
    I've been listening to my healthy voice more often now and guess what - I'm NOT getting fat, I'm happier, and I'm more relaxed....how is that for proof? ED is so fu**ed up...excuse my french. But he honestly convinces you that you will get fat from eating totally normally and therefore be depressed, but it is the OPPOSITE. I've only been in outpatient for one week and I already feel 100000 times better.
    And - this is the most amazing part - one of my best friends told me last night that I seem sooo much happier - after ONE WEEK. Isn't that incredible. I was feeling happier, but I thought it was just premature and I wasn't going to jump to any conclusions, but even other people are noticing it!

    Anyway, I think you need to try your hardest to follow the meal plan your nutritionist gave you. I know it seems like a lot of food, but trust me, she is not trying to make you fat or gain weight too quickly, so trust it. She has your best interest in mind.
    That is so sad about your mom - she must feel so helpless. She obviously cares about you so much and probably worries even more than she tells you. I've realized that with my parents, too. I tend to think they don't notice anything or they think everything is fine, but then I havea reality check when they make a comment to me and I realize they are more worried than I thought.

    Sorry this post was so long. I really hope you are feeling more motivated. You can do it! It took a while for me to finally believe that, but it's true!!
    Let us know if you have any other questions/worries/comments.

    Ciao!
    Lauren

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 03:17 PM   #37
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    hey girlies! i've missed so much, lol! i just read through everything with a big ol' smile on my face ... it's so GREAT to read when ya'll are doing well or at least recognizing the signs of Ed, our evil pal along for the ride ... anyway, i don't have a ton of time, plus you girls already said all the good stuff to each other, so i (for once, lol) don't really have anything to add.

    pinstriped, i'm SO glad you've joined in on this thread (it's the best one here ... j/k!) really though, it makes me really happy (how many times can she say "really" in one sentence???) that you jumped right in here and are helping and asking for help. really, it's awesome. your story sounds somewhat like mine. i too was NEVER fat (if only we could go back and erase those "i'm fat" thoughts pre-Ed, you know?) and my restriction in calories was never severe like many girls' is. i feel like that made me prolong getting help until it was REALLY too late (i had some MAJOR binging problems that i can tell you about at another time). i just didn't think i was "really" anorexic, you know? i feel like you're in sort of the same place, but it does sound like you're recognizing the problem more than i allowed myself to. that's really awesome cuz i think it'll help you get help and get better sooner. one thing my therapist said to me when i first started seeing her was that life with an ed was like living in a prison -- you're totally restricted and feel totally alone and miserable and you can't make your own choices, etc. i'm repeating it to your cuz i feel like it really applies to your situation. it IS like a prison, isn't it? and yeah, it REALLY sucks. anyway, i strongly URGE you to tell your mom what's going on. it will be the single best decision you make in your life, i promise you that. i know how scary it seems (he**, i binged almost daily for 9 months straight before i worked up the courage to call my mom and confess that i needed help, that i was dealing with something i could NOT stop on my own) that first conversation is REALLY hard, but (like many of the hard decisions in life) it's REALLY worth it. it sounds like she cares about you and loves you a lot, and i have a feeling that she will do anything she can to help you be free and happy and healthy once again. so please tell her. i don't believe that it's possible to recover from anorexia without therapy and telling your mom is the first step to getting a therapist. and i want you to be happy! so, just think about it, you know?

    ls, lady, you're doing great!!! i'm so happy to hear how GOOD and FREE you're feeling after only that one week. seriously, i wish i could be there to celebrate with you. and i love, love, love the goal-setting that you do at the treatment place. that's such a good, concrete way to keep you striving to move forward, you know? i'm so happy that you're getting instant positive results too (from friends, having tons of fun, etc.) i think that's what is necessary to reinforce "non-ed" behavior. we need to tangibly SEE that we feel better, have more fun, don't gain 40 pounds overnight, etc, you know? i'm realizing that with my "out to dinners" every week. i've been a total rockstar (not to pat my own back, lol) lately at not even worrying about calories when i eat and i'm realizing how much more FUN eating is when you aren't trying to count calories the whole time. anyway, i just love it and i'm SO happy that you're feeling so good.

    as for me, i've also been feeling very happy lately AND i've been really feeling good about my body. i'm not just like "yeah, i could learn to deal with this weight" (even though i know i still need to gain more) i'm really feeling like, "i LIKE my body this way and my body likes me!" (they should base a sesame street episode around that quote, lol) anyway, it's a really awesome feeling cuz i expected to absolutely HATE my body as i gained weight. instead it's just like "eh, whatever. it's just a BODY and i am MUCH more than that." anyway, i REALLY gotta go now (pinstriped, no need to ever apologize for long, disjointed, random posts ... i wrote about Shaq once! Like ls said, that's basically how it is on this thread ... once we start typin', we just can't stop!!) anyway, ya'll (i think i'm channeling dawg, who by the way should COME BACK!) have a WONDERFUL weekend and i'll talk to you soon.

    ps - ls, it's like 50 degrees, cold and damp here. what is that all about?!? it's may!!! (i don't know why i get such a kick out of telling you about my crappy weather situations. guess it just proves what a dork i am!)

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 11:09 PM   #38
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Joni-lol..your no dork. heres my weather situation..the other night i woke up from a violent thunderstorm at 4 am so ive been really tired since then. suc*s!anyway.. I was just reading through another thread before and i saw one of your post about being jealous about skinny girls around you who are able to excersise and not eat all this food that we have to and i can totally relate! I guess we just have to realize that we are better then those girls because we are the ones who are healthier eating more nutritous meals to help keep our body's working properly. They are the ones who should be jealous of us. well i hope that helped

    So this coming thursday im going to hershey park with my orchestra at school for a trip. sounds fun right? well im freakin out a little bit cuz we're gonna be there for 4 days. those daya are gonna be filled with hotel breakfasts, restaurants, fuddruckers..ect...and guess what! im not gonna have any nutrition info and i wont have my calculator. (sounds pathetic i know!) Maybe it will be helpful though, ill try my best to fight feeling anxious about what i eat. im determined to try my best at just focusing on having fun with all my friends at an amazing amusment park instead of calories.who knows?

    and to you loren- dont apologize for long posts..i actually love it when they're long! i dont know i just love reading and taking in as much as possible.

     
    Old 05-13-2006, 11:41 PM   #39
    LS289
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Hershey park!?!? That sounds incredible!! I am majorly PMS-ing so chocolate is the only thing I want right now. Mmmmmmmm...
    You have to let yourself go when you are out there. I promise you that a) you won't eat cheese fries and chili dogs for 4 days straight and b) even if you did, you wouldn't gain any real weight! So if you just focus on the people and on having FUN while you are out there, the food will follow and you will not have to stress about it. I know that you probably still will, but, just speaking from experience, I have wasted WAY too much energy stressing about "fun" events and they always turn out FINE. Just recently I went to my cousin's wedding in Guatemala (drinking, cake, rich food, no exercise) and I didn't gain an ounce. One week is just not long enough to really make a dent...it'd actually be nice for you if it were!
    If you don't mind me asking, what is your ht. and wt. now? I just want to get an idea of how much you actually have to gain. If you don't want to say, then by all means, don't. It just might give me a little more perspective. Joni and I are both about 6' tall - haha. We're amazons!!

    Joni - I'm SO glad you're enjoying those meals out! Do you like mexican food? How about Asian fusion? Those are some of my FAVORITES. Oh and I'm sorry about your 50 degree weather! We're having some May Gray out here, but by late afternoon it gets pretty nice. I'm going bike riding (just casual)by the beach tomorrow!! So excited.
    Talk to you girls soon!
    XO
    LS

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 07:31 AM   #40
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Sorry to interrupt - LS289 - what the heck is "Asian fusion?"

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 08:48 AM   #41
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    LC-thanks for the advice! im five foot two and ninety-two pounds (sorry bout the worded #s but the moderator would delete this if it has number numbers) fourteen years old. The doctors want 10-15 more pounds on me. i've gained 5 so far. i used to be eighty seven. (i know, no good). But wow 6 feet tall!thats awesome lol..

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 09:11 AM   #42
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Oh wow - yes, you definitely need to put some weight on, sweetie. I think your doctor is being conservative when he says 10-15 lbs. Think of that as the bare minimum to be healthy. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you - don't let this ED become your identity and don't let it taint the fun you are supposed to be having in your life. I already regret the past 2 years that I've let it rule my life...what a waste of the best years of my life (I'm 23, so basically 21-23 - what great years!!). You can make this be something you experienced, dealt with, then moved on from. We will help you do that in whatever way we can.

    I know - 6' is tall! Haha. Used to it at this point. "Do you play basketball?" NO!!! So sick of that question. But most people get it right - I played volleyball. I like when people get it right b/c they say I don't have that bball player "look" and I have more of a vball player "look." Anyway, that was so random. Have a happy mother's day! I just made my mom breakfast...yum!!

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 09:12 AM   #43
    LS289
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    Oh, by the way Tyluk, Asian Fusion is when they infuse food with an asian influence. Like Asian spiced ahi tuna - covered in sesame seeds and soy glaze with bok choy, etc. It's sort of like asian food, but not your typical stir-fry. More regular food just with an asian twist. SO good!!!

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 11:15 AM   #44
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    haha sorry i was reading these last few posts and ls yours made me laugh..

    "I know - 6' is tall! Haha. Used to it at this point. "Do you play basketball?" NO!!! So sick of that question. But most people get it right - I played volleyball. I like when people get it right b/c they say I don't have that bball player "look" and I have more of a vball player "look."

    i get that ALL the time, and i was a volleyball player too but people dont realize that being over 6 foot can also mean VOLLEYBALL lol. did you play competitive?

     
    Old 05-14-2006, 02:16 PM   #45
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    Re: Why did I weigh myself?

    LS, Joni, everyone...

    Hey can I join in on this thread? You guys seem like a team & are really motivating me towards recovery...I haven't realized until recently that I even NEED to gain weight. Hadn't weighed myself in seven months or maybe more. I've always considered myself bulimic b/c I binge & purge but I don't restrict, just diet. Now people I trust are telling me to gain weight but right now I just want to stop the b/p'ing...that's all I'm ready for, know what I mean? Pinstriped...we're in about the same situation, I'm five foot three ninety-one pounds. I'm turning twenty-one this month btw.

    My question is, how did you guys make the decision that you WANT to gain weight? You all seem so strong. I just want to lose a little more, b/c I don't look what the scale says, trust me. However, I must emphasize again that I am ready to stop the b/p'ing forever, or at least cut-back.

    Thanks for the encouragement. Sorry if I'm interrupting!

     
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