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LS289 04-30-2006 12:57 AM

Why did I weigh myself?
I went to the gym today and weighed myself...I should NOT have done that. After I got back from Guatemala I lost 2-3 lbs (mainly b/c I was so nervous about OVEReating that I probably UNDERate), but now that I'm back home I am eating more and put the weight back on immediately. I guess it must have been almost all water weight if it came back that quickly. I am really nervous, though b/c my gym was closed for 3 days, I didn't do much exercise, and I've been following my meal plan very closely, so it really could be that I'm gaining legitimate weight! I wish I could just pull back into my shell and retreat.

I'm going to my therapist on monday and I know she'll weigh me and part of me is scared that she'll weigh me, see that I've put on the 2lbs so quickly and not be as concerned as she was just a week ago. Why do I care if she sees that I've gained weight?

I had a GREAT day today (not necessarily in terms of food - just in terms of what I did and how I felt), and now I feel BAD about my food simply because I had fun and was carefree, but I SHOULD NOT. I think I've just learned that if I have fun I must have done something wrong with my eating...
Slept in until 10:45 - Breakfast: banana before gym
Lunch: 4 rye krisps, chicken salad with FF mayo, pecans, grapes (1-1.5cups)
Snack: Large Apple
Dinner: Edamame, few bites of salad, tuna, yellowtail and avocado sushi roll (8 pieces), miso soup, 1/2 a beer
Dessert: Regular Frozen yogurt

I feel so full, but I think I'm just overthinking the fact that I didn't exercise for a few days, have eaten frozen yogurt EVERYday for the past month, and have been eating more in general. But then again, those are all pretty significant things....

Jonistyle4 05-01-2006 01:36 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
hey girl! I don't really have much to say or know what to say, so i'm basically just checking in and saying hi. one thing i'm sensing is that i think you need more STRUCTURE in your recovery plan. i think it might help. you need rules on how often and how much you can exercise, rules on what and when to eat (and you need to follow them, by the way), rules on how often you can weigh yourself, etc. cuz i feel like you feel like (lol!) you're kind of swimming by the seat of your pants with no idea what to do, how to feel, how to act, etc. am i right? (feel free to let me know if i'm totally off my rocker!") anyway, i think more structure would REALLY help you IF you can commit to following the "rules." the whole meal plan thing ain't goin' so hot, is it? what are your thoughts on that? you have consistently broken it almost every single day, haven't you? i'm surprised that with all this exercise you're doing you're able to get along on that teensy amount of food, honestly. anyway, that's my "thought of the day," i suppose. i just feel like you're sort of "floundering" and i'm kind of surprised your therapist/nutritionist aren't helping you find more direction, you know?

anyway, i hope that helps a little. i need some help/support too right now, i think. i'm having a big problem i'm gonna call LONELINESS. i don't know if i'm just feeling really down cuz i'm about to get my period, but i think this is something that's been building up lately. i'm kind of stuck and i don't really know how to "fix it."

i'll try to explain as briefly as i can: normally (minus Ed), i am a VERY social person. i'm happiest when i'm around people, i've always had tons of friends, i talk a lot (can't you tell?!?) and basically, i just love being busy, with friends, etc. So unfortunately, since my binging problems began right after i moved to chicago and the constant binging made me not want to see or hang out with ANYONE ever, i really haven't made any friends in the city. i know it sounds freakish and sort of lame, but i honestly only have one or two friends that live here cuz i'd either lose contact with people i met immediately (cuz of binging) or i'd be too afraid to do social stuff that might involve food so we'd lose touch. i still talk on the phone to my college gals (love them!) all the time, but they're in wisconsin, so it's not the same. those girls are my BEST friends, but i miss having friends that i can go out to eat with, to the movies, hang out with, shop with, rent movies with, sit around and get drunk with, etc! i'm sure you know what i mean about how lonely and frustrating this is. anyway, it's really been getting me down lately.

also, because i have to eat SO much every day, i feel like i can never go out and have fun with people (cuz then i lose potential "feeding myself" time). i know it sounds weird, but honestly, i feel like my meal plan doesn't permit me to have "free," relaxing time where i can go out and hang out with people. when i do go out, i end up stressing about how i'm gonna "get it all in" without either A) looking like a freakish pig who never stops eating or B) having to eat 800 calories when i get home at night (which obviously makes hanging out past like 8 pm nearly impossible, which OBVIOUSLY sucks socially) i honestly feel more restricted with 3500 calories than i did with like 1200 -- then, i wouldn't let myself eat much so i THOUGHT about food a lot cuz i was starving myself. now, i feel like i think about food even MORE than before, cuz if i let my guard down for a moment, all of the sudden i'm awake until 11:30 at night because i have to eat all my crap. i'm bored with ALL foods even though i eat a wide variety, cuz i just eat all the friggin' time. so as a result, i think about food even MORE to try to come up with new and interesting things that'll make me actually WANT to eat (instead of feeling like i'm just force feeding myself all the time.) i'm baking and cooking more than before (for the reason i just said), so i'm dealing with food even MORE. it's like all this food has made food itself lose its appeal, you know? chocolate cake or celery, it all appeals to me the same amount (crazy-sounding, i KNOW!)

so what do i do? i'm feeling REALLY lost right now and i just feel like something's gotta change. instead of spending my time baking, i want to spend it watching movies with friends. but where am i gonna find those friends? and how am i still gonna be able to stick to my meal plan but hang out with people freely? anyway, this is sort of where i'm at. i'm thinking of starting to audition again (even though being in a show would make me VERY busy and probably put more stress on the "get the meal plan in" situation.) but at least it'd help me meet some people. i need friends! i'm also thinking of getting involved at the church i go to (it's a very liberal catholic church and it's known as the "young people's" church in chicago. they have a lot of things geared towards 20 and 30 year olds, so i might meet some people there, you know?) do you have any other ideas or advice? i'm just feeling stuck, like i said. anyway, have a good one and let me know what you think!

LS289 05-01-2006 11:45 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
Ok - the first thing that I want to say is that you have reached a VERY important goal and you haven't even realized it. When you said "chocolate cake or celery- it's all the same" that is HUGE. Obviously, you don't mean that completely, but the fact that you are not obsessed with certain things anymore is a huge deal, ya know? Because a few months ago you would probably only allow yourself the celery and be obsessed with the chocolate cake, so when you ate it you'd eat a huge amount and then feel guilty - but now you can eat a normal amount and you are not afraid of it. That is so great!! I just had to acknowledge that.

I can completely relate to the isolation that ED creates and the lack of friends because of it. Luckily I am living back at home where I grew up and a lot of my best friends from HS and college are either here or in LA. But if I had to make new friends right now I'd probably be in the same predicament as you b/c I am so restricted socially by ED. I also consider myself a very happy, social person (of course another similarity), but since ED has come around I am reclusive, don't go out as much, get tense around meal times, etc. It's horrible! I want to be my old self again and not worry about "what if lunchtime comes around while I'm hanging out with so and so...?...I'll have to make some excuse to leave so I can go eat by myself." That is SO not normal.
Unfortunately, your situation is a little bit different than mine b/c you are worried about not eating ENOUGH. Is it really as stressful to you as it was when you were restricting? Because I feel like, if anything, people would LOVE to see you eating a ton and you would not look anything like a huge pig. Do you still feel obsessed with planning out your meals and food like when ED was in full force? Or are you at least more relaxed about it? I am honestly shocked every time I hear you talk about your meal plan and how exhausting it is to get in all those calories. I can't even imagine having to eat that much...and you are barely even gaining weight! You are still so underweight, Joni...I hope you remember that. Haven't you ever just felt so discouraged one day and wanted to eat half of what you are eating now? I am so proud of you if you haven't - that is so amazing. I am by no means saying you SHOULD feel that way, I'm just trying to incorporate a little bit of YOUR thinking into MY OWN head, you know?
Anyway, back to the friend problem - I think your idea of joining the church group is a GREAT one. I'm not quite sure you can handle the stress of auditions right now, though. I feel like there is a lot of mental stress, but also a lot of physical stress in the acting industry and I would hate for you to lose your bearings after you've come so far. Maybe you should wait? But I don't know - you know yourself better, I guess. Just make sure that you are going back for the right reasons. Because there are a LOT of ways you could meet people and it doesn't have to require you to go to auditions. What about any other "club" type of things. A book club? Something like that. I also think that you could meet a lot of neat people by doing some kind of volunteer work. Could you volunteer at a children's shelter or something like that? I don't know - I'm just trying to think of anything.
By the way, I really wish we could meet! I feel like we would get along SO well. And I'd LOVE to go to the movies, go to dinner, etc...I usually choose that over the bars! Haha. (Although there's something to be said for a marg at happy hour)....

So I think you're right about me needing more structure. Today was a big day - both of my parents came with me to my therapist. It was really good and basically what we decided was that I'm going to try this outpatient program that meets 3 days a week. I don't know how I feel about that (especially after how I ate today), but I guess it's worth a shot. THe other option my therapist mentioned was this place in St. Louis that is in-patient and there is NO way I could do siree. I think that is overkill.
I know you keep insisting that I am eating too little food and you even said in your last post that you can't imagine how I am doing that much exercise on such little food, but Joni, I feel like I'm eating so much! Or at least a normal amount! And I'm not exercising like crazy either. Just 30-40 minutes a day. In fact, today I only walked 2.5 miles (and did yoga) and I ate:
Bfst: large apple, 5 lifesavers (late morning)
Lunch: turkey sandwich on wheat with cranberry sauce, lettuce, tomato, 5 potato chips
snack: tall nf latte from Starbucks, 5 almonds, 2 pretzels
Dinner: piece of salmon, steamed asparagus and green beans, salad with tomato and FF dressing, few crackers with salsa
Dessert: Frozen yogurt with strawberries, small handful of chocolate covered soynuts

That is a lot! I believe that this is a weight gain plan for me.
Anyway, I hope I gave you some useful advice. Let me know what you think. I hate how lonely ED can make us feel, but soon you will be freeeeeeeeeeee! Keep on pushin', girl.

Jonistyle4 05-02-2006 09:10 AM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
ls, thank you. i really needed that post from you. everything you said just made me feel better, even though it's just a little bit, i'm feeling more hopeful, so thank you. man, i wish we could meet too! i feel like we could really encourage each other in a "real life" way if we could actually hang out. it's frustrating that we can't, you know? anyway, i suppose it'd be an *expensive* flight anyway, lol!

i know that i have made a lot of progress and when you point it out like that, it makes me actually realize it. i DON'T obsess about certain foods as much as before, because i basically can and do eat everything i want to eat. sure, i get tired of certain foods (yes, even chocolate), but i think it's just sort of temporary since i'm eating SO much right now, you know? i still find myself planning meals and that sort of obsessiveness, but it's not as "crazy" and i do think it's sort of necessary, cuz if i don't plan in advance, no way would i actually be able to stick to the plan. so i guess i'm not as ideally "relaxed" about that part as i'd like to be, but i feel like it's more out of necessity (to make sure i get it all in) than out of disorderedness, do you know what i mean? and YES, it is exhausting! do i want to just eat like 1/2 of it or leave a couple things out on any given day? heck yeah, i want to do that like EVERY day! but for some reason, i just can't. i feel WAY too guilty about it or something (probably that "Miss Perfectionist" voice talking honestly). anyway though, it is hard and tiring, but i just stick to it no matter what. i don't know how to explain it other than that.

it was extremely comforting to hear what you said about the friend situation. honestly, i feel like a complete loser sometimes cuz i don't have ANY friends. who lives like that?!? but it's comforting to read that you think you could be in the same situation under these circumstances: it makes me feel less "loser-ish." i'm determined though. i am going to make friends! even if they aren't ultra-cool (like me, lol!), i just need SOME PEOPLE to hang out with, you know? volunteering is a perfect idea, i'm surprised at myself that i hadn't really considered that one. it'll keep me busier (but not too busy), i'll be doing "feel-good" things, AND i can meet people -- what's better than that??? and you might be right about the acting. i'm still on the fence about that one. i LOVE it and i know it makes me feel "creatively stimulated," which helps with lots of other stuff in my life, but the time constraint part is pretty tough. we'll see, i guess. i figure it'll take me awhile to get my monologues back in shape and there's only a certain number of auditions and there's no guarantee i'll get cast in anything anyway, you know? so maybe i'll just start out slowly and play it by feel. i think i'll KNOW if it's not feeling right, you know? but for the mean time, i'm focusing on volunteering and church stuff (i hope the people aren't religious-nerds, lol! i've never joined any church stuff so i have NO idea.) but at least it'll be SOMETHING that doesn't have to deal with food!

i am REALLY glad to hear about the outpatient program. i really think it'll be perfect for you. it'll provide that increased amount of structure and support without completely sucking you out of your life like an inpatient program would do, you know? how do you feel about it? i know that you think you're eating enough, but honey, just trust that you are WAY under eating. you don't eat breakfast often (fruit alone isn't breakfast), you eat a sandwich with nothing on the side and consider it lunch, you eat mini-snacks and consider them normal and you have a VERY hard time eating carbs at dinner so you're just eating lean meats and vegetables, which again is not enough.

what if i told you this is what i had for lunch today? a sandwich (w/o cheese), an apple, a serving of pretzels, a couple nuts and a glass of milk. what would you think of that? i'm assuming you'd tell me it was a very healthy, very low-fat lunch, right? do you realize that the "meal" is the equivalent of EVERYTHING you ate yesterday except dinner? and THEN if i told you that i ate no breakfast, that lunch, a piece of salmon and some veggies for dinner, and fat-free frozen yogurt for dessert? you'd tell me i wasn't eating enough, wouldn't you? you'd tell me i needed WAY more food to maintain my weight and that there was NO way i would ever gain weight eating like that, right? well that is basically what you ate yesterday. and that is why i think you need more structure and support to beat this thing. you've become so accustomed to eating teensy-tiny "diet" meals/snacks (cuz like i said, an apple isn't a meal) that you've lost touch with reality in terms of what a "meal" actually is. i hope explaining it this way makes it a little more clear. i totally understand where you're coming from in terms of feeling like you're eating enough, cuz i used to feel that way too. Ed has this nasty way of making us view our "diets" as completely normal, so anything else seems totally gluttonous, you know? that's why i think we need strong structure and support (especially in the beginning) as we learn to eat more. anyway, i hope laying it out this way helps a little. at least to me, it made it even MORE apparent that you're really starving yourself here. anyway, let me know your thoughts on the outpatient program. how does it work, when do you go, what do you do, etc. (i'm curious!) thanks again for your kind post and i'll talk to you soon!

LS289 05-02-2006 10:07 AM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
YAY!!! I'm so glad that what I said helped you. Just rememember - you are NOT a loser and you are definitely not alone in your "friend-less" feeling. If anything, you are lucky that you are not more isolated and weird than you are b/c most people with eating disorders completely close off to the world and have very little outside contact. Just the fact that you WANT to reach out to people is a sign of your recovery!!
The fact that you are even the slightest bit hesitant about the acting thing tells me that you are NOT ready. Imagine you go on an audition, they love you, you get the job and then you have auditions twice a day, everyday for the next several months. Would you REALLY want that? No. You sort of would just like to keep busy and go to the auditions and have fun, but not get any of the jobs. Haha. That's what it seems like. I think you should hold off. Do the church group and the volunteering, but not the acting.
How do you like your job? Are there cool people that work with you that you are friends with? By the way, I think I might be going back to school in fall '07 to get my PsyD (sort of like PhD) - what do you think!? I majored in psych and have always loved the subject, but I've always been worried that people have this idea that psychologists are weird and have their own problems, etc...which might be true, but oh well -I want to help people. Haha. I won't focus on Eating disorders or anything like that, but probably child psychology. At least that's what I'm thinking as of right now. It's about 15 months away, but it just seems like something I'd really like to do - advertising just seems fun and doable to me, but not my passion, ya know?

What you said about my eating is true, I guess. I just am going by how I FEEL and it feels like I've definitely been eating enough. It also still REALLY disgusts me that I eat soft serve frozen yogurt EVERY single joke. Is that really gross? I feel so dependent on it and it really really really really bothers me. I can't even explain it. But I still keep getting it! I can't help it!
I'm sort of excited about the outpatient program, but also sort of reluctant b/c I still don't feel like I totally need it. I know that it can't hurt, but I'm afraid I will go in and it will be all 14 year old girls (no offense if you are 14 and reading this) and I will not be able to relate to them. My friends and my parents are all really happy that I am going to do it, though, so that's worth it.
I can't decide what to do about the exercise thing. I can tell I'm more obsessed with it now and I feel like I HAVE to go. For example, right now: It's 9am, I just woke up and I ate a big apple for breakfast (mistake number one, I guess - but I feel like I ate all that frozen yogurt and chocolate soynuts for dessert so I should restrict bfst) and now I am debating going to the gym. Actually, I'm not debating - I am going. But I have a terrible back ache, I'm tired, and if I listened to my body I would just not go. But I feel like I have to.

Anyway, I hope you have a WONDERFUL day in the windy city!! I'll be hittin' 70 degrees today! Haha.

LS289 05-04-2006 09:12 AM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
Hey Joni,
Just wanted to make sure you read my reply. How are you doing?

Jonistyle4 05-04-2006 10:45 AM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
Hey hon, i did read it and was gonna write back later in the day yesterday, but our internet went down at work (woe is me! i was SO bored all afternoon!) anyway, i'm doing pretty good. i had kind of an inspiring moment last night, i think. first of all, my meal plan has been sucking the life out of me lately. for whatever reason, i've had a smaller-seeming appetite, so eating all this food has been killing me ... i've been SO full! anyway, it's kind of getting me down, but i'm trying to just stick it out, you know? it's hard to feel good when you feel so physicallys sick/full though. anyway, what happened is that last night, i was REALLY stuffed by the time i was getting ready for bed. a lot of times when i'm really full (every day actually), my legs get kind of swollen up (in addition to my full, swollen belly - it ain't pretty). does anything like this ever happen to you? i hate it, but i just try to ignore it cuz it usually goes away by morning. anyway, when i got undressed for bed last night, i was checking myself out in the mirror in my bra and underwear as i changed. i looked bigger/rounder, especially in the stomach, hips, thighs area, but surprisingly, i didn't hate it! at all! i actually LIKED how i saw myself, cuz i thought i looked more "womanly." i couldn't believe it! obviously i could have done without my sticking-out stomach, but i knew that was just from food fullness. but the bigger thighs/hips that i saw, i LIKED them!!! i was sort of in shock, i guess. it made me feel pretty hopeful. i know the feeling won't stick 100% yet (already feeling like "Ms. Fat Thighs" today), but eventually, i (we) am gonna feel like that everyday. and THAT is a positive thought! so anyway, that was my sort of breakthrough moment of the night.

otherwise, it's just same old same old. i can't wait to get into therapy on saturday, because i feel like i have a LOT to talk about in terms of loneliness, my meal plan restricting me from being social, the fact that i am BORED out of my mind not being able to be outdoors, etc. i just feel like it isn'tworking anymore. the restrictions/rules placed on me right now have just gotten to be too much and as a result, i'm miserable cuz all i can do is sit around and eat all the time. like i said before, it's different than binging/restricting, but it's making me feel just as bad as those times, which ain't good. so we'll see what happens on saturday!

how are you? like i said before, i REALLY think the outpatient program is gonna help. i think you just need that little kick in the butt (or rather, Ed needs a little kick) to get sort of "jump-started," you know? i think it'll help with many of the issues that are so tough right now -- guilt over frozen yogurt everyday, learning what a "normal, healthy" diet really is, restriction of many full-fat, full-sugar foods, etc. and once the program helps you overcome some of that stuff, i think you're gonna feel A LOT better. you'll feel more confident, healthier, happier and you'll be able to really start moving along in recovery! anyway, i'm excited for you (i sort of wish i could go to! it just seems like programs like that would make "recovery" happen so much faster, and i'm just so sick of this sh**, you know? plus, if we could go together it would be ultra fun, obviously, lol!)

anyway, enjoy your 70 degree weather (secretly i'm hating you right now) and have a good day! it isn't too bad up north here anyway ... yesterday was in the 70s (ha!) and today it's in the 60s, i think. the weekend is supposed to be colder though, sigh ... i can't wait till i move south someday! talk to you soon!

LS289 05-04-2006 02:45 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
It made me SOOOO happy to read your post!! It is amazing to feel accepting and loving of your body as it changes. I've experienced that before (unfortunately, not recently) and like you said - it's just so much more womanly to be rounder and softer - the angular look of the jaw bone, the ribs, the skinny thighs, the hip bones - those are not SEXY and not attractive AT ALL. I think I read somewhere a while back that men are actually attracted to what was determined as healthy and fertile in the early days. Women who were rounder, healthier, as opposed to wasting away were optimal mates. So it's rooted in guys' minds to like curves!! Haha. I've said this before and I'll say it again - I truly don't think that super thin is attractive, per se, but I still am drawn to it. It's so bizarre. Like when I go to the gym and I look at other women, I ALWAYS think the more voluptuous or toned ones look so much better than the super thin or really muscular ones -it's just more appealing! Yet I fail to gain weight.
I am just so happy that you are coming out of your body dysmorphia and seeing yourself in the true light! You are not fat - not even normal weight! - and you are finally realizing that. Isn't it weird how foggy your mind was before in comparison to now?

OK- tomorrow I am meeting with the lady at the outpatient clinic. I am sort of feeling like I don't even need to be going, but I always get that way and I know that I just need to do it. I told my best friends and each one of them almost started crying b/c they were so happy. That's reason enough for me to go.

I'm having kind of a dilemma right now with life, though, and I think it might help to get an outsider's perspective. Do you think you could give me some advice?
Alright- so I was born and raised in San Diego. Then I went to LA for college and lived there for 4 years and loved/hated it. Sometimes I absolutely loved that there was a lot to do, the weather, etc... and then other times I hated it b/c of the pretense, the feeling of inadequacy, the huge "scene", etc.. (and not to mention the traffic), but all in all I liked being there for school. So now, back from Australia, I am living at home (San Diego). Not only am I in my hometown, I am in my actual house (which needs to change). As I've told you, my parents are really up and down with their relationship and that really takes a toll on me, so I know that no matter what I need to get out of the house. The question is, do I just move out and get a place in San Diego? Or do I move back up to LA? I have friends in BOTH places (although closer ones in SD) and I could see myself living in either place, but I just can't decide what is best! I don't want to get to LA and realize "oh yeah, this is why I hated it" and I don't want to stay in SD and think "jee, I should have moved further away for a while."

The whole job/something to do thing is a big part of it, too. I know I need to do this clinic (M,W TH), but at the same time, I can't just sit around the rest of the time. So do I move out, do the clinic here, and do volunteer/part time until I'm finished. Or do I move to LA, do a clinic there, and do the same thing? Or do I get a full time job here and not do the clinic? I am sort of thinking of going back to school in fall '07 and getting my PSY D...have you heard of that? Doctor of psychology. Seems like it would be great to do! Do you think that's a good plan? I don't want to be one of those weirdos who studies psyc b/c she has problems herself - haha - but itruly am interested in it! And I wouldn't do eating disorders so it's not THAT weird.

Anyway, sorry this was so just SO confused. Let me know what you do you like advertising, by the way? B/c as you know I thought about getting into that, too...

Hope you're having an AWESOME day. I'm so bored!!!!!!!!!!!

Jonistyle4 05-04-2006 03:21 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
lol, i am BORED too. ugh, work is SO boring sometimes! how do i like advertising??? well ... right now ... i hate it, it's boring. no, i'm joking. i love advertising, but i don't think it's what is right for me career-wise (not to say it's not right for a lot of other people though). i'm starting to think that i wish i'd gotten a teaching degree or something. i cannot stand sitting at a desk all day staring at a computer. ahhhhh! i'm going insane! no, joking again. but it IS boring. i think you can tell (by the length of my average posts) how much i LOVE to talk, and this whole computer thing doesn't cut it for my personality. i need a job where i'm around people more, you know? i'm actually thinking of looking for a job soon, but i dont' know what to look for really (plus i'm lazy and "comfortable" in this job, which makes it hard to find the motivation to really look, lol). i know i don't want anymore of this desk crap, but i don't know what i do want (and especially "what i want" where they might actually hire me, you know?) anyway, we'll see! i think the psych thing is AWESOME. i don't think it's weird at all, either, you dork! i actually have been wishing lately that i'd majored in psych because i'd love to work in that field and really help people, you know? so no, i don't think it's an odd choice or anything. i think it's a really wonderful choice.

ahh, our bodies. i know what you mean about liking to look at other women whose bodies are curvier and slightly toned vs. the ones who are rock-hard, skinny muscle women. i feel the exact same way, except my body apparently doesn't apply to the rules. i LOVE girls with good curves and soft, yet toned bodies. i think the skinny ones look just that, "skinny." actually, more boring, younger, etc. women with curves honestly just look sexier, you know? but i strive to achieve that "ideal" of anorexic skinniness and HATE when my arms appear "flabby," etc. quite frustrating, isn't it? another thing i always think of is hugging my girlfriends -- hugging the ones with a little "meat on their bones" is SO comforting, you know? (in fact, my one friend whose the chubbiest is the BEST one to hug!) hugging the ones who are stick-like, on the other hand, isn't very comfortable at all. they're all boney and awkward-feeling and you kind of just want to get out of the hug as quickly as possible, you know? anyway, i don't want to be an "uncomfortable hugger!" lol! i want to be soft and comforting when i give people hugs, not boney and icky feeling, you know? anyway, weird way of thinking about weight, i know, but i like to think of becoming a "great hugger" instead of gaining weight.

Jonistyle4 05-04-2006 03:32 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
so apparently i got so excited about hugging that i accidentally posted that before i was done, lol! so, here's the rest of what i was going to say. in terms of your major life decisions, i think the number one priority is that you definitely go to an outpatient program no matter what (at least for right now). san diego or LA, doesn't matter, but i really wouldn't recommend full-time jobs yet (enjoy it while you can!) from what you've said about your parents, i think the second priority IS that you move out. first of all because their relationship seems to make ED worse and second of all cuz i think living at home is just plain stressful after you haven't done it for years, you know? (heck, i think i'd go insane!!) now, the san diego vs. LA question. to me, it sounds like you don't really want to be in LA (obviously, i'm just totally reading into what you posted above). i completely understand why (from what you said), plus some of my fellow "Midwesterners" talk about living in LA, so i probably am a little biased. :) i don't think there's really any reason for you to go there, honestly. i've heard that san diego is a GREAT city and i think merely getting an apartment that isn't your house is great! it's not like you'll be coming home for lunch everyday, but you CAN if you need the support. you'll be as independent as you want to be! honestly, i wish i was closer to my parents for this recovery, cuz sometimes, i just need them, you know? (they aren't even far away, lol, like 1-1/2 hours) plus, you might need other support ($$$, etc.) that it'll be really helpful to be close for. and, i just get the feeling that's what you would be more comfortable doing. you're only 23, remember (sorry if i got the number wrong!). you have a WHOLE life ahead of you in which to move out of san diego. for now, i'd take advantage of being able to live where your closest friends and parents are. plus, it seems like you're just more comfortable there.

anyway, that's my two cents. hope it helps a little. have a good evening and i'll talk to you later!

LS289 05-04-2006 07:52 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
You know me WAY too well to have never met me before - hahaha. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear. It's almost like I need justification for not wanting to move to LA. Why can't I just be OK with living in the city that I grew up in? For some reason I think that getting "experiences" and "branching out" has to happen miles away from home, but I guess it doesn't. Like you said, I can be as independent as I want to be. And if I find it too suffocating to be here, I guess I can always move to LA (or wherever) later, right?

I looked into volunteering at a psychiatric hospital down here while I'm doing the outpatient thing. I'm interviewing with the woman on monday and I'm SO excited, but also kind of nervous. I guess I don't really know what to expect from the patients - like how psychotic they actually are, you know? I also looked into working as a summer camp counselor for 1/2 days (since the outpatient program is 2-7) and that could be fun, too. I still can't help but feel like these are all unproductive dead end type of jobs, but I guess I just have to ignore what everyone else is doing and just focus on LAUREN, right?

And yes, you got it right - I'm 23. Which is young, but also a little embarassing to be living at home, do you think? Well, maybe not. I guess I'm not 35 or something. But anyway, I am going to take your advice. Number one: OUTPATIENT. Number two: MOVE OUT. And number three: something to do - volunteer, etc. whatever.

By the way, I TOTALLY know what you mean about the hugging thing. I am so much more comforted by hugging more voluptuous or meatier people. Not even necessarily fat, but just not stick thin!
Are you close with your parents? I'm sure that helps a lot with your recovery. Sometimes I feel like my parents never think I'm "that bad" and that really makes me feel bad. But I know it's just ED talking and they are probably very worried.
Anyway, now I'm just blabbing.

Oh, and about the advertising thing -I think you DEFINITELY need something where you interact with people. You know, you could very easily pursue the psych route still. You are VERY good at talking to people and so comforting. I think you'd be AWESOME at that. Or anything that involved getting to be around ppl, ya know? But advertising is a fun, young field to be in right now. I know what you mean aboutt he computer thing though - I would DIE at a desk job!!

Talk to you soon!!

Jonistyle4 05-05-2006 09:04 AM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
i don't have any ed-related to say, except that i like all the decision stuff you wrote about in your last post. i don't think those volunteering things are "dead end" at all and i'm actually jealous that you get to have the time to do that stuff. all of that experience helps A LOT when you start looking for "real" jobs, you know? take it from someone who has NO volunteering experience and wishes she did, lol!

anyway, i just want to tell you about my random, awesome night last night (totally "un" ed-related, like i said, but i just want to tell you cuz it was so fun!) so, my bf works at a company related to ticket sales (with brokers, regular people, etc.) for sporting events online. basically, he deals with a lot of sales here in chicago for the cubs, sox, bulls, whatever that hockey team is called (lol), etc. so, the policy is that if someone doesn't pick up the tickets they bought online, he and his coworkers cannot use them (which makes sense for honesty issues, you know?) anyway, last night there was a playoff game between the bulls and the miami heat. a guy had bought tickets (for $1000!!!), but called and said he wasn't gonna be able to make it and the office could use the tickets if they wanted to ... so eric and i went to the game! they were center-court, 6 rows from the floor -- SO close! it was truly awesome and i'm not even really a basketball fan! we got to park in the "VIP" lot and everything (my little 1991 car looked so out of place, lol!). i am now OFFICIALLY in love with shaq. (isn't that hilarious?!?) but seriously, he's SO strong and BIG, but he moves like this graceful stallion on the court ... i love it! anyway, it was just ultra fun, so i wanted to tell you about it (even though the bulls lost, but i don't really care about that ... i wanted the heat to win anyway cuz their players were hotter!)

so that's my fun and exciting news! have a great day!

LS289 05-05-2006 01:45 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
That sounds like SO much fun - I honestly love going to huge sporting events like that (basketball or football mainly) because they are just SO fun. It's like everyone else's enthusiasm and energy is contagious and you feel like you get so much more into the game, too!!
It's amazing to see those basketball players in real life. They look so small on the TV screen, but they are actually HUGE. Shaq actually practiced at my college gym (USC) my freshman year and I saw him come out one day and he was so big! He had to duck to get under the door!...haha.
Anyway, that's so rad that you went to that. Did you get a hot dog with grilled onions and a beer? Haha. That would make it all the cooler.

I have my appointment with the outpatient clinic in about an hour and I'm really nervous. I also have THE WORST stomach ache ever and it's making me feel like I don't want to go even more. I feel like they are going to take one look at me and say "oh, so why are you here again? You're not even too thin."

Anyway, I had a great night last night, too! I went to dinner with a really old friend who was in town and he's one of those ppl that is just so stimulating and fun to talk to. I was feeling earlier on in the day like i just wanted to cancel and eat dinner safely at home, but I ended up going, having a GREAT time, getting a delicious glass of wine and an amazing dinner, and I just felt SO good about myself. The last thing I want to be is antisocial - that really bothers me, you know?

Alright, I'm going to try and take a nap before this thing. I'll let you know how it goes!
Talk to you soon.

Jonistyle4 05-05-2006 02:54 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
oh, i hope it goes well! be brave, i bet you'll get in there and be able to totally relax and you'll be SO glad you went. it's just the anticipation is so hard to deal with, ugh, i know! anyway, DEFINITELY let me know how it goes ... i'll even come on tonight and check in case you've posted (no pressure, lol!). i'm glad you had a really fun night last night too! (see, even though we're a gazillion miles across the country from each other, we still keep having even MORE similarities ... i think we're meant to be together, lol!) GOOD LUCK!! and just relax, it's all gonna go fine. :)

LS289 05-06-2006 05:15 PM

Re: Why did I weigh myself?
Ok, I'm running out the door right now, but I just wanted to tell you that I will 100% come on here tonight in a few hours and post EVERYTHING about yesterday's meeting. I left almost in tears for reasons I'll explain later.
Hope you had a great cinco de mayo!!!

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