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  • Please help me stay strong for the woman I love

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    Old 11-20-2002, 11:18 AM   #1
    Big Canuck
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    Post Please help me stay strong for the woman I love

    Hello everyone.

    Sometime ago I visited these boards (not the eating disorder one), participated, then left for a long time. I am now in a difficult situation, and I come here for support and health. A bit of background:

    I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months, and she is an incredible woman. She does in fact have a very bad past, in that many bad things have happened to her. She does not confront these problems, rather forgets about them by burying her self in her self-employed career (she is 21). The bad events include sexual abuse (rape), repeated sexual and physical abuse in a long term relationship, depression, bipolar disorder. A manic stint that included drugs and the wreckless spending of money. Although she appears held well together to an outsider (which from what I can tell is everyone but me, including family), I've always been cautious that she is not taking care of herself the way she should.

    Recently I've discovered that she is bulimic. I was placed in an incredibly difficult position in that I could not arrange for an intervention, which I've read so many positive things about. The reason I can't do this is simple. As we all know, eating disorders in young females often occur because of things that have happened to them in the past, and this is quite likely in my girlfriend's case, but the problem is, no one around her knows about these things. Just me, and her psychiatrist. Its not my place to bring them out in the open.

    So my first step was to get ahold of her psychiatrist on the phone on monday, which was very difficult given the nature of where she works out of, but I did it. I told her about the problem, and spoke to her about how I should handle it. Everything she said was pretty much what I had planned to do anyhow, but she also told me that she hadn't been to see her in sometime (which goes directly against what she had told me about making attempts to make appts.)

    So finally last night I confronted her, after first giving her every opportunity I could to tell me what was going on. I told her I was pretty convinced, she said I was nuts, then I told her I saw her, and she was lying and stammering for words to try and cover up what I had seen, and the story she gave me was so far from what I saw that at this point I was convinced that I was right (which was what I needed). I was already on high alert because of other things that myself and my family had observed. I told her that she needed to get help, and never said anything to make her feel bad. She told me that she wanted to go to sleep, and I left.

    Well today when talking to her she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want to speak to me, insists she doesn't need any help and is furious at me for doing this and contacting her doctor.

    Right now this is very hard, but I intend to stay strong because I know doing this is the only possible thing that can lead her to getting help for herself. I know I need to let her hate me, and I need to stay strong.



     
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    Old 11-20-2002, 02:15 PM   #2
    lilrayofhope
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    Hi Big Canuck!

    I'd like to welcome you to this board. But mostly...congratulate you. What you did took guts. You knew your girlfriend needed help and you did everything you possibly could to help her. That is amazing. I'm sure it was really hard to hear her deny her problem, and although right now she may be giving off that 'I hate you' vibe, it'll go away I'm sure. Having an eating disorder is a very secretive thing, when the secret is out, the ED sufferer usually trys to hide it, or gets angry with the person who 'accused' them of having one. It's normal. Just try to hang in there. I can imagine how rough it is for you. To know she's in so much pain and you can't do anything to help until she'll let you help her. But you've done a lot already. Simply staying by her will be a great thing for her right now. Maybe you could direct her to these boards. I'm not sure. Try to convince her that she should see a doctor, that you'll go with her. Could be she just needs to know that you care (which its evident you do). It sounds like she's been through a lot in her short life, and that must be killing her inside. And you're right, ED's usually are related to your past. I know you want to help her, but until SHE realizes she needs help, there's not much you can do. It's hard. But she WILL realize it eventually. Just try talking to her. Even if she refuses to talk. You can just talk. Tell her how much she means to you. That you want her to be happy. She's really lucky to have you in her life. I'm sure it's really tough on you, I'm sure you feel helpless and angry, but you'll pull through. If you have confidence that things will get better, she'll catch on to that and be confident too. If you're strong...she'll be strong. And YOU ARE STRONG. Look at everything you've done for her so far. That took strength. I hope things go well with her. Keep us updated. She's a lucky girl.

    -Carlie

    p.s. sorry i couldn't be of more help.

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    Old 11-21-2002, 03:13 AM   #3
    54321
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    hiya, i can't stop long so this will be relatively short, might add more later. Firstly well done for being so supportive, deep down she will appreciate that, and you will be needed when she starts to accept things.

    My own main piece of advice for you would be don't take control, let her be in the driving seat. Sexual abuse isn't about sex, its about power, the abuser having power over the victim and the victim being helpless, she would have had all control of her life ripped away from her. I know you really care for her, but as i said don't do anything without her permission and always check what you write or say to anyone is ok before and after and if poss during. her bulimia is probably a way oftrying to find some tontrol over her life, little does she probably relise that hte bulima will and probably is controling her.

    I have gtg now, will write more over the next couple of days

    big hugs to you

    love
    54321

    ps)just a quick thing, try gently perswadding her into keeping a diary, at least then sh ecan be open with herself without anyone reading it

     
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