 C&S ing is it really a ED?? ..... SAME AS BEFORE
It all started with a diet I was 16, 5ft 4 and 162lbs, Id eat like an apple a day … and feel guilty for that … for some reason I thought id be more accepted if I was thinner. I was getting over depression and was hiding away from my friends, I was terrified one of them would say something about my weight and I don’t think I could take any comments at all in a good way or bad. As if it was good id just think they were lying then laughing at me behind my back. I think the most I ever managed to go without eating anything was five days …and even thought I had the tiniest amount of food I beat my self up over it … saying id failed and im friends would never accept me again. I did this a few times for about 9 months with like a couple of weeks normal eating in between. I never really fully recovered from that, id lose weight for the week I wouldn’t eat and feel real good about myself then put it all back and sometimes more when I started eating again. So instead of taking a eating, not eating, eating thing I resorted to chewing food and spitting it out, in to bags, bins, down the toilet ... wherever I could really.
And here is where im at.
Its a disgusting habit and id be lying if I said I wasn’t ashamed. In like the past month ive lost 28 lbs im now the average weight for my height … only I see it as a accomplishment, but I still feel and look fat also …I don’t want to stop …no one has noticed yet I would love to be about 105lbs I mean its only another 29lbs and I did just under that in a month, I know that when I return to my normal eating habits (if I can?) that the weight will just go back on again but I seem to be able to kid myself that ill be able to do something to keep it off. I feel more confident around guys now but I can’t wait for the rest to come off.
Before I was fat, and in my eyes I still am BUT I know I look thinner since I lost that 28lbs… That’s why im sure I don’t have a ED of any sort as you always read how they see themselves as fat no matter what weight they lose … and yeah I still think im fat but I also know im thinner then I was.
That was until I read stuff on this site… Which has made me think twice about me, and the people that do this as well, only I seem to have a different frame of mind to them … they seem to see it as an ED but I don’t. It’s really confusing and hard to explain. And most people fling the words "eatting disorder" around without a thought.
I guess I just want to talk to someone with the same problem, sometimes I think im so weird as I see it in this way
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