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telling my story again ~

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Old 10-11-2009, 11:31 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 41
polkaadot HB User
Lightbulb telling my story again ~

hi girls and guys

i hope someone can relate to this as well, and of course also for others to realise just how extremely horrible eating disorders can be and what you have to live with AFTERWARDS..

eating disorders are -extremely- complex afterall. its not just physical and not just a 'simple' psychological issue either. its all tangled together and damn hard to get out of!!!

let me introduce myself again briefly:

-im 20. ED started at 14.
-i used to suffer from anorexia nervoasa, orthorexia, and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
-quite recently recovered (early 2009) but ive had it for 6 years. i would say it is probably.. still a bit 'on-going' like , mentally. so dep on how you see it.. you could say im still kinda mildly affected by it. you know, the kind of 'in-the-back-of-your-mind' thing, that can occur anytime when another significant trigger comes..
-on-off thoughts about recovering during that time, but with no success and all fail. did not have any support from people either, and close friends were far away.
-i almost had a relapse a few months ago this year due to personal issues
im lucky that i didnt fall back to that hellhole again... (but considering i just kind of 'recovered' i gotta still be realistic)

Reasons for the EDs:

-body image issues were not the biggest
- not depression
- It was mainly due to:

.moving to another country and being far away from my closest friends, adjusting to everything new

.not understanding myself, being confused about myself and my personality, sexuality

.ongoing issues and poor relationship with both my parents

so it was more of a 'control' and 'focus' issue, i wanted something i could physically target and control for not being able to 'fix' other external things/factors in my life, otherwise quite irrelevant to the whole body image thing, but then of course i though - ill just benefit from it anyway. as if being thinner is 'more acceptable' either way etcetc that just added to it, didnt help me from quitting

it became very addictive. because its just a physiological thing - you dont eat and it works controlling it that way! and that made me happy - i could control something without hurting others in a 'direct' way . but either way i was turning on myself, plus making it very hard for friends to see me like that

what have EDs caused me?

a previuous problem ED caused me was mild OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), which lasted only a couple of years (around 2005-2007),, fortunately!

- i did also have lots and lots of other issues while suffering from it all 04-08
and i almost think i was close to dying, seriously, considering the stage of it i was at

-currently im still suffering from chronic diseases due to my ED that i believe are permanent

-my current issues include:

.digestive issues: major problems here..

.circulatory problems: they suspect my heart muscles have weakened and that the physical shock of prolonged ED triggered autoimmune responses. i have raynauds syndrome, btw

.menstrual problems
- had amenorrhea (no periods)for 5 years. quite recently just got it back and all going well.. but they are still very irregular, with short cycles 14-18 days, and short duration of average 3 days, and also pretty light flows.
-i have more premenstrual symptoms (the physical symptoms, not mood swings) and cramps/pain during my periods compared to 5 years ago before ED
-i dont know how my estrogen is... and how my bones will have suffered from this

im 20. but i feel like as if my body is that of a 40 year old. sigh...

but yea. these chronic issues have caused me so much inconvenience, made me so upset at times, and just being angry at myself for having the EDs that have caused these wheras i couldve been much much healthier otherwise...
im coping with it quite well at the moment, but if i dont watch out i get symptoms and attacks - then i just completely lose it and cry. hating what ive done that cant be reversed.

moving on..

i just want to say that... its so, so, SO NOT worth it. i wish i recovered earlier, but there was no chance. im still scared of a relapse and the fact that my body was so weak and probably still is to some extent after all those years, that if it starts creeping back and i dont realise/cant stop myself id end up Dead. though of course i dont want that to happen and im always doing my best to prevent that.

don't want to fall back using ED (basically could be classified as 'self-harm' too..) in dealing with issues in my life. i just dont want any triggers coming..... but ill be cautious. there are so many ways, much better and sensible ways, of dealing with personal issues

those who still suffer from ED..... i can completely understand and relate to how you're feeling. i have had friends with ED who i've tried helping, and vice versa - and its so much easier to talk with folks with the same issues.
its not easy to recover. its easier said than done. but the earlier, the better. always

i know most ED sufferers are concerned with body image , but to anyone who had/have similar issues as me - which did not only mainly involve body image - please feel free to comment

take care everyone

Last edited by Administrator; 10-12-2009 at 07:38 PM.

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Old 01-02-2010, 01:16 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: OK
Posts: 4
pebbles224 HB User
Re: telling my story again ~

Most say they're concerned with body image, after recovering from it, and had said that myself, it's more of a "justified" reason to ones self. The beginning to help for me, as goofy as it might be, is the Oprah/Eckart Tolle Podcasts that I downloaded and listened over and over, taking more concepts each time through. I'm not one to go somewhere to get help, never felt they could discuss deepest level based on concepts ONLY. A couple things (that worked for me) when you are planning to relapse,when the initial thought comes, so does counter thought of health(not important,sadly at the time of Pain managment), then what if you ate but didn't decide to relapse how would you feel? , would it be worse if you ate and didn't go through with anything past that or just had the thought and went through the process in your mind-experienced the pain w/thoughts- tried out of strength to dissolve the thoughts. You must have some solution for dissolving. Many times I mentaly went through process and feelings, sad and painful, then went to the computer to research why I feel this way=knowledge was only way for me to gain power. Another thing that must be done is feeling loved. I personally feel that peopl act out b/c don't feel loved, so self neglect. Relationships w/parents must be mended. They might be strict or narrow minded but this is challenge that you have to gain knowledge of how speak to them and about them without them feeling hurt. Please Please ******** the webcasts. eckart tolle- A NEW EARTH. He has a book, but it was too advanced reading for me. Let me know how this goes. Have difficult family to overcome, most having addicitons and fueling m problem, but when I talk to them about way I feel when this "general" statment is made they don't take it personally and therefore listen. Just remember that not going through w/total cycle is strong choice, don't fault yourself for it but then research.....Real Love another book that's good-or web topic.....

Good Luck.... it's possible!!

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