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I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

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Old 12-07-2009, 02:32 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
wazabijo HB User
I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I am both anorexic and bulimic and am, as a result, leading an absolutely miserable existence. Noone else knows -- not even my wife. This started in February and has not gotten any better. I used to be a very large and disgustingly fat man and have become, what appears to everyone, the picture of perfect health. I look like a male underwear model -- very muscular and fit with a six-pack. I achieved this over 2 years of killer hard work and dieting. It all went to hell in february when I went to a buffet one night and felt guilty about how much I had eaten. I had never induced vomiting in my life but did so and felt amazing afterwards. It was as if I had discovered a way to eat all the food I wanted and have it be zero calorie food. Now I have taken on this habit of eating like a bird for 3-4 days and then breaking down and eating amazing amounts of food, giving in to all my cravings in a several hour period and then purging by both vomiting and extreme exercise. I LOVE food and HATE the idea of losing my abdominal muscles.

Tonight, after 3 days of eating <less>, I have consumed so much food and purged. Starting at 3 pm I began to eat. I <ate a lot>.

I have eaten more in the past few hours than most eat in a week and I want more and more and more. When I feel full, i go upchuck it and start eating more n more n more. I don't know how to stop this. All I can think about is food -- how much i miss it when I'm not binging and how much I enjoy it while I am binging. I am ABSOLUTELY STARVING right now, despite all the intake. I have several packs of sushi and some chocolate chip cookies to put away now.

Is anyone else this obsessed with food?

Last edited by mod-anon; 12-07-2009 at 10:35 PM. Reason: Please call your attention to the Sticky post at the top of the page: "Avoiding Triggers"

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Old 12-07-2009, 06:52 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
wazabijo HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

Have downed <more food>. Tomorrow I will run many miles and I know there is bound to be sodium bloat but I am in both heaven and hell right now. This experience is unreal.

Last edited by mod-anon; 12-07-2009 at 10:36 PM. Reason: Please call your attention to the Sticky post at the top of the page: "Avoiding Triggers"

Old 12-16-2009, 10:42 AM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
senseofself HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I am new also to this site. YES, I am this obsessed with food as well. My husband knows of my eating disorder. Although, he has no idea how to help me. I think about food daily and change my work schedule to make time for me to binge and purge. I get frustrated when people call when I'm home alone doing "my thing"; sitting in my chair with all the food around me and the large glass of water. I need help and I am hoping that this message board with help me as well as others. I began dieting and exercising after having my child and continued to get compliments, this eventually turned into my eating disorder. I keep saying tomorrow will be different, but that never happens. It is the same process over and over and over and over again......

Old 08-29-2010, 02:56 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NZ
Posts: 30
kazma HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

Yes I am constantly hungry!! I am both anorexic and bulimic as well so I know how you feel. You are always thinking about food when you're not eating, and even after you've just eaten your body starts crying out for nourishment again because you have thrown what you have eaten up. So the cycle starts again. Do you cook a lot too?
Hope things start to get better for you.

Old 09-14-2010, 10:08 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13
ntizzie HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I am the same way. People say that I am very skinny but I am so scared to gain weight. I used to be average weight till when I started college. Somehow I gained a lot of weight. That freaked me out so I started dieting to lose weight. This started my food obsession I wanted to get skinnier and skinnier. As of today I count every calorie I eat. My bulimic behaviors started one day. This stayed with me so now on top of being obsessed with calories, grams of fat, sugars, I am bulimic. Nobody knows not even my boyfriend. I really like food but I am scared I can gain weight. I know bulimia is not healthy but its so hard to stop. I tried to stop and i end up doing it anyways.

Last edited by ntizzie; 09-22-2010 at 07:30 PM. Reason: edited triggering passages

Old 10-15-2010, 08:12 PM   #6
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Nashville
Posts: 3
bichchikn HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I have been bulimic for 9 years and was in recovery briefly for 8 months, 5 months ago I relapsed. My b/p episodes are worse than they have ever been 10-15 times a day I binge and purge. My head, face, mouth, teeth, ache. I can't even pretend anymore my obsession is out of control I don't even bother hiding it I act out in front of my family even. All I think is food food food food food. The only time I don't is when I'm drunk. I drink so I won't eat. I have always been small but I do have BDD and it is to the point where I refuse to leave the house I feel so disgusting and obese. I logically know this can't be true but I'm terrified, fear is more powerful than logic.
I am suicidal for the first time ever because this is not a life I can't function all I can do is binge and purge 24/7...

Old 10-17-2010, 07:40 AM   #7
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: raleigh, nc
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jcrosser HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

i hope i can give you all a message of hope. i am not all the way there, but i have been where you all are and i know what hell it is.

i can relate to everyone who posted on this thread. i have been obsessed with food since i was very young and i am currently 28 years of age. i was very restrictive in my teenage years, and family members began to get suspicious of me being anorexic even though i never thought i was. looking back, i probably was on the verge. anyway, i started eating more because i never wanted anyone to think there is something wrong with me.

eventually, i felt i was gaining too much weight so i started purging. the bulimia never helped me lose weight, it only made me obsessed with food and i would eat massive amounts of food.

i was bulimic for 7 years. thoughts of suicide, living in misery, depression, i have been there.

currently, i haven't purged for over 3 years. i still binge occasionally, which is what i am working on.

i am trying to give you some hope though because i KNOW how absolutely hopeless you feel. Please, please please don't give up faith. you will get up and fall back down many times. i did. each time you fall, you must use it as a lesson. learn about your triggers. just don't beat yourself up too much. accept that you are making mistakes and pray for help. help will find you, this won't last forever. this is why you are hear, to learn about your soul and find out what it needs to be healthy. it seems screwed up, but making mistakes, i believe, is how you learn. we can do this, we can be healthy and deal with life's struggles in a healthy way. we can someday help others, and not i spite of what we are going through, but BECAUSE of what we are going through. please try to believe that.

lastly, one thing that i did that i felt helped me out was to focus on one thing at a time. the thing i focused on was not caring about my weight so i could just stop the purging. once you are emotionally healthy, you can get fit in a good way. but for now, i just focus on NOT purging. sometimes, i binge and want to purge but i don't. it's hard at first and you may have periods of depression from it, but just know it will pass. for me, just doing that one thing has helped me be able to become healthier than i ever have. the binging will be better as a result of not letting yourself purge.

that's my experience anyway... i really hope that can help someone. i know everyone has to do it i their own way. i know that just coming to this website is a start to your journey and you will get there.

my heart and prayers go out everyone here.

Old 10-19-2010, 12:46 AM   #8
bag raiders
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
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bag raiders HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I was bulimic for 10yrs I binged more then I purged I did gain weight but I wasn't obese but did feel very self conscious and wouldn't want to go anywhere cos I was so self conscious of my weight I used to tie my jacket around my waist to hide my *** cos I thot it was too big and it was! I stopped binge eating everyday 4 years ago! I still binge but not everyday and I may do it once every two months. I cannot keep food in the house that will trigger an attack not even fruits lol. I eat healthy now I crave stir fried vegetables with crushed garlic and ginger and atlantic salmon. Chocolate is my vice but only have it once or twice a week. I try to have it only once a week but for the past two weeks been having it twice a week. Almost thought I was gonna binge today on a whole 250g chocolate bar but instead I only got a 50g choc bar and also got some rockmelon and mango. I feel better I ate half a rockmelon and mango but wish I didn't have the choc bar! I have fears of becoming a diabetic becos of my poor diet thru out my teens and 20s. M glad I've made improvements with my eating as m almost 40 and wouldn't want to be binge eating and not lookinng after my health in my 40s when weight is harder to come as metabolism slows down. I am slim but wish I was 5-6kg exercising really makes me feel better and recently starting weight training at the gym lifting heavy weights makes me feel strong!

Old 11-07-2010, 08:49 AM   #9
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Westminster, Md.
Posts: 30
lennylonglegs HB User
Re: I am absolutely out of control. Food rules me!

I can relate to so much of what you say in your post. I have always been an athlete and been incredibly toned and fit. 5 years ago I was put on a certain medication after a tramatic experience and I gained 60 lbs!!! It took me a lot of hard work and austere dieting to regain my former weight and physical condition but I did. Since all the weight came off so many people comment on how good I look, especially my husband and his family which are completely appearance conscious! My husband and his family did not even want to look at me let alone talk about it. Who could blame them? I didn't even know myself like that. Because of all of this I am EXTREMELY obsessed with my weight and my appearance. It means everything to me-love, approval,acceptance and all the things my husband and family have made me feel to believe that looking good does for me. I am so afraid to gain any weight or else my husband will leave me. This sounds so insecure as I am typing it and maybe it is. I slipped into the habit of bulimia and anorexia about a year ago to be able to, what I mistakenly believed, eat without consequence. I had been bulimic for a couple of years after the weight loss and did not know it because I was a compulsive exerciser. Yes, using extreme exercise as a way of weight control is bulimia. It progressed to purging about a year ago, and as of right now I can tell you it is backfiring! I was able to maintain my weight for awhile but now I am flipping out because I am starting to gain weight again, and the funny thing is, I am bingeing more now under the stress of that instead of doing it less. I am so afraid because I had a health scare a couple of weeks ago that I think had to do with the bulimia, but still I go on. I can't stop!!! I too will fast for days after a particularly big binge, and then start up again. I am feeling totally hopeless and depressed. I am on the verge of checking into a hospital for eating disorders. I really need help; this is killing me! I hope you can get the help you need too.

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