For Everyone Who Understands

Elizabeth12398

Hi, everyone. I'm new to this but I wanted to start out by telling my story. I might babble, but at the same time I don't want to leave anything out so feel free to skip around in it; that's fine. I really just want somewhere to talk and support people that understand. My eating disorder used to be my deep dark secret, but now my closest friends know but of course can't help me. They don't understand. Only I can help myself. I'm rational and I know the triggers, but I just can't [I]not[I]. For a while I would say that I "used to be bulimic," but I knew that wasn't true. Even after I stopped throwing up frequently it's not something that just stops. It's a lifestyle and a mindset. I feel as though even when I am doing well I am still "a bulimic."

I'm nearly twenty and have been bulimic/overeating/exercise-addicted for the past three years. The first time I threw up was at a camp and I was there for dance. I was dancing 8 hours a day and during the classes I would plan my meals. They were salads. Small ones. And before any of the dance classes started I would wake up early and run around the campus what I hoped added up to a few miles. I was being super healthy but for all the wrong reasons. One day I binged sneaking a bag of my roommate's Doritos. I'd read about purging in that book "Perfect."

I hate to be a stereotypical bulimic ballerina. I don't even do ballet anymore. Now it's just a part of me. And I'm a huge hypocrite for it. I won't buy anything but a salad to save my life. If you ask me to go grocery shopping you can bet I'll get the blandest, healthiest, lowest fat content food there. I work out the same routine that involves every machine in the gym every day. If I skip a day I feel terrible and fat. As if one bite of ice cream will make me bloated. For a while I didn't like "unhealthy" foods because it literally made me feel as though my stomach was huge. I would always suck in my abdomen and the fact that that was harder to do didn't mean I'd stop doing it. It just meant I was more self-conscious. And that it was harder to breath. I feel that as a girl people are always looking at your body and tight clothes don't help. It was as though the flatness of my stomach equalled my self worth. But when I'm alone or in a sympathetic position I will eat like there is no tomorrow. And I'll do it sneakily because if anyone saw me I'd be done for. As if the person would somehow see through my healthy front and know the truth, see the truth: that I wasn't fit.

This disorder is off and on because on good days I will stop eating when I am full and work out and look damn good. But I guess the fact that I'm on here now is proof enough. And it's always there. I want eating to be something I don't immediately think of in caloric, stomach-inflating value. And a lot of times I don't, and I'm well. In my first year of college I was in the best shape of my life because I'd have to walk everywhere, I'd work out every day, and I'd only eat in public settings where I could have a healthy choice. That's excluding binges on my friend's sweets in my dorm room or imminent drunk bingeing. And I know all about the "well just eat healthy and exercise," but please. We all know when there's a freaking eating disorder involved it changes the whole game. I don't really puke anymore because for one I got really into exercising, but also, one day I just didn't want to. Either that is healthy because it means I didn't make myself vomit, or it's particularly unhealthy because I let my mind settle for the fat intake I'd just consumed. I just have this fear of being fat and need to feel attractive to myself.

Thanks for listening. I feel like there was a lot more I wanted to add, but turns out maybe this is enough. I hope I can support you guys, too.