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StellaNeedsHelp 08-18-2012 04:11 PM

My struggle and double life. Vicious Cycle..
I have not gotten therapy or counseling yet. I exercise over 10 hours a week and eat super healthy and do not starve. Than comes the weekend. Once a week for about a month and a half now i binge on everything in sight than i purge. my social life is down the drain and i have social anxiety and depression and now.. an ED. At first i was eating healthy all the time-treating myself once in a while and exercising a lot. Than one day i decided to treat myself after a workout and i couldn't stop. i felt so ashamed and felt so disappointed that i had let my hard work go to waste so i purged for the first time.
At the time i thought okay it's gone i won't ever do it again. I thought it was the end of it.
The days following after i worked out super hard and got back on track eating healthy full meals and not starving.
I told myself i would NEVER binge again to avoid the; guilt, purge, shame.
At first i thought it was only because i missed out on food i haven't had in a while.
But that wasn't why and it wasn't the end of it.
It's been happening one day of the week now sometimes more than once a day. Now i know it is more than just 'missing out on the food i once ate'. it was an emotional thing. I realized i only did it when i was; stressed, lonely, high anxiety, upset, or confused.
Working out had kept me happy, but i also don't have a social life.
If i worked out i didn't care if I'd miss a party or didn't go to the movies.
but my inner child was screaming for me to break free.
My depression kicked in at that moment because it was my body telling me to give myself a break and cut-loose a little. Instead of listening to her i expressed my suppressed feelings and negative emotions through binging -thinking this could make me feel better, that it would take the pain away.

But it didn't; it only leaves me with GUILT & PURE HATE for myself.
So i am getting help for it and i finally told my mom today.
She is the only person who knows about this.
I have been living a double life of eating healthy and exercising than binging and purging.
I can't live this way anymore. I can't let food control me and i have to start listening to my inner child because she needs love too not just my physical appearance.

(It is easier said than done i need as much help as i possibly can, i know i have a problem and i need to fix this.Sstarting to workout and eat healthy- fitness saved my life, but now it has turned into something else and i need to get to the bottom of it)
PLEASE HELP. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. ADVICE/TIPS on how to stop the binge and how to eat normally again.

passingmelodies 08-18-2012 08:57 PM

Re: My struggle and double life. Vicious Cycle..
Hello, Stella! Let me just say you did the right thing when you told your mom.

Try meditation and soothing yoga instead of exercise. Listen to some calming music and just close your eyes every once in a while. It sounds like you're stressed as much as confused and wanting to get help. I know this sounds really weird, but if you just calm down and not even try to get a hold of the situation, but just slow down everything and breathe, you can confront the problem within yourself. Exercising may cause you to feel good about yourself, which is great, but I think what's happening in your situation is you're starting to reward yourself with food, and then you lose control. We all have that problem sometimes! I can't say what is causing you to binge and purge uncontrollably, or how to fix it (I myself have never had the problem, and I don't want to say anything dumb or wrong)...but what I can do is offer you my support and say that if you ever need any help, always talk about your feelings. Talking to a psychiatrist won't do harm, either. Therapy is good. Looks like you don't need medication - always a plus. And try that meditation!

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