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tak 10-08-2012 10:23 PM

I'm so messed up/Help
I don't know why I can't recover!!!!

I had anorexia restrictive since age 12, then over-exercised since age 15.

I'm now 23 and have been through two hospitalizations and res, totalling 2+ years inpatient.

I tried IOP after.

I don't know, i felt like I needed the behaviors. I don't know what I need.

I've had terrible panic. I've had obsession with treatment. I want my life back.

I don't know what I want. There are these lyrics written on one of my favorite CD bookslets, saying "I really did love life. I just wasn't too good at it." I feel like that describes how I feel.

I don't want to go through this, don't want any of it, but I do want to have my personality back and to be happy and love my family and have fun and feel excited again, not panicked or preoccupied or like a demon that counters my every move.

I purged for th first time last weekend. More than a decade of this disease, never purging, and now?

I don't want to look this way, I can barely gain the weight but then I fear my heart is damaged, fear things are damaged, I just don't feel the same, not even mentally.

Too many medications now since treatment...benzos and Zoloft...breathing probs after eating...some things didn't go away with the proper nutrition. I was in treatment for two years so on a good meal plan for most of that time straight. It didn't cure me and I don't know why.

I was so scared when I got out. I'm trying SO hard to be in school and get better and do the things I want to do with life. Instead I find myself just sabotaging over and over. Knowing I can't have real relationships. Afraid I look too sickly and afraid I need to LOSE weight in the same day. Knowing it's a lie.

I don't know what the point in purging is except that it's self-harm. I need to stop self-harming. I almost OD tonight. I was never like this. Please help I don't understand myself. I make my mom too sad. I don't want anyone to know.

miss345 10-11-2012 12:10 AM

Re: I'm so messed up/Help
Hi tak: You don't or can't recover (whichever you want to put it) because you again don't or can't believe in yourself...You don't trust yourself...You feel in your mind from the start that you will never make it....So you don't....

You like I had or have an addiction....I like to say I am recovered and know that I am, but too much pride is never good for any of us....I fought this all my life...Maybe my Mother constantly pushing to be thin when I was young or being too heavy when I was very young because of a disease that just about killed me...Either way, I did not deserve the torment that they placed on me...I was not that fat, but it was rough...This became my struggle for good food...

How can you fight it...When and if you can cut down on the drugs....I knew them all....Darn near killed me too....Only mine was for panic and fear of life...They didn't realize my underlying problem....

I could tell you about a heart murmer and receding gums....Rotting teeth from the strong bile in your stomach is also part of this disease...I purged or vomited...After a while that doesn't work either...Once I went the other way and lost 63 pounds in three months....All on happy diet pills...

You can do it as I did it...I had far too many years of it off and on...Denial was part of the game with my husband...He knew it, but loved me too much to make me doctor...Truthfully, I don't think a doctor would have helped me...It was only when I decided that enough was enough of this that I helped myself...I went cold turkey...I can't tell you how many times during the first few weeks that I went to the toilet and leaned over it....But, I didn't do it....It was hard..But, each day got easier....Or was it each week....

At first I gained weight...I was actually eating food and enjoying it...I would fight myself like mad that I needed to puke...I would assure myself that I would die if I didn't get it up...But, I didn't.....Eventually I did gain some weight and got too heavy....It was then that I learned the real dieting lesson....That meaning healthy meals...and one more thing and the most important that being stress....You must learn to relax and be happy....

This post probably won't go through, but I tried....Good luck....Take care...ILD...

helives 10-18-2012 05:17 PM

Re: I'm so messed up/Help
For God so loved the world that he gave us his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish buthave eternal life

Godloves you an his arms are wide open................step into them..........claim the freedom that you already have because of what Jesus had done for you :) !

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