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Looking for support

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Old 02-23-2013, 10:53 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Singapore
Posts: 2
Colere HB User
Looking for support

Hello (: I'm new here. Actually I'm new to online forums in general, I guess i just never got around to joining any. I decided to join one after it was clear that i wasn't going to get any support from my friends and family in real life (and I've tried being open, talking to them. They just seem to find that ignoring that I have a problem is the best solution.) I guess I'll just start with a little history? (I'm not sure how this works, so please forgive any mistakes (

I guess it started when i was 13, close to the end of the year. I started cutting certain foods out of my diet and as time went by, the foods that i "could" eat dwindled until i was basically starving myself i guess. However, i never fasted or did any cleanses etc. I just was very strict with my diet. This lasted for a little longer than a year. I felt alone. It felt like there was this invisible wall around me and the people around, you know? i hardly talked to anyone during those times. i was a very quiet child, no friends and with my eating issues, this worsened. so basically i just isolated myself from everybody. Even now, i find it extremely difficult to just connect or make small talk with people, because i've never done that in my entire life. I feel like a kid sometimes, in that aspect. Then i went to see a doctor who wasn't very good, but i started eating more, just to please my family.

Then the binges started. It began as midnight binges; i would sneak down at 2am in the morning and basically clean out the fridge. They became more and more common. I was so disgusted with myself. How did i go from having an iron will to one that was non existent? I used laxatives initially. Later on i found out that they didn't do anything to the calories that I've ingested, but i still took them anyway. I've tried to throw up, but it's never worked. I've only ever thrown up once in my entire life, when i was 5. Then i just couldn't anymore. My body wouldn't allow it. I'm not sure when i started counting calories (it was after I "got better") but now i can't imagine life not doing it. I also have to weight almost everything i eat so i can get an "accurate" calorie count. Weird thing is, even when i binge, i still count calories.

Now, I'm still binging. I've tried to cut down on laxatives. I take it once a week, on Fridays, because i can't go to the bathroom (sorry, too much information?) without them anymore. I used to be on a binge starve cycle. At one point, it was so bad, i was binging almost everyday for months. Recently, I've tried eating throughout the day, and allowing myself one treat a day, so that i don't feel deprived and go overboard at the end of the day (did i mention that for me, i can be good throughout the day, but come night, it's like all hell breaks lose. i become uncontrollable.) It lasted for about a month and a half? Then i broke down a few weeks ago and have been binging since, with each binge becoming progressively worse.

It's hard to compress everything in one post, and maybe I shouldn't, but i really want to know that somewhere out there, someone feels like this too. That i'm not alone, that this will get better, that i shouldn't stop hoping and keep trying.

It's been like this all my life, i'm balancing the line between normal and outcast. I don't belong anywhere ...

I'm sorry for the looong post, and thanks to everyone that bothered to read until the end! (:

Last edited by Administrator; 02-23-2013 at 11:14 PM.

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Old 02-24-2013, 01:06 AM   #2
JClooking's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 51
JClooking HB User
Re: Looking for support

I was just perusing the new posts (actually, on these boards for a different reason) but after reading yours, I felt the need to reply because the night time bingeing sounds like myself. Since high school, 20 some years ago, I've been on a roller coaster with my weight until a disability happened 5 years ago and made exercise almost impossible. Now I'm at my highest weight ever and don't see any light. I can go all day and be good with my calories (even counting for the most part) but night time comes on and my appetite is out of control. Sorry that I don't have any words of encouragement or wisdom but I can empathize with what you're going through.

Old 02-25-2013, 12:00 AM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Singapore
Posts: 2
Colere HB User
Re: Looking for support

Hi JC(: first off, thanks for replying! It really means a lot to me, that you took the time to tell that you feel the same, and to let me know that i'm not alone... I'm sorry on hearing about your disability, and i totally get what you mean about your appetite being out of control and not seeing any light at all ): I'm not exercising either, though i know i should, I just feel so down all the time, and i don't even want to crawl out of my bed and take a bathe, let alone do something healthy like go for a walk or run... all i want to do is stay at home and eat and eat and eat... I hope that things get better for you, and don't give up! (although i'm not in a very suitable position to be saying such things myself haha) I'm not very good with words, so i can't really say much, if only I could just copy paste my feelings from me onto the computer! thanks again, and stay strong (:

Last edited by Colere; 02-25-2013 at 12:01 AM.

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binge eating, buddy, eating disorder, support needed

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