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    Old 06-12-2015, 06:41 AM   #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date: Feb 2013
    Location: Brooklyn, NY
    Posts: 15
    JustAmy2013 HB User
    ((Please Please help!!))

    Hi everyone...
    I need all this to be read and understood and what anyone's thoughts are about any of it.

    I need advice and help because I honestly have no one else to go to.

    I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now. We have been living together for 18 months. We weren't high school sweethearts but we were in school together. We met again years later. I should give a short back-story as it may help someone to help me...

    Before we met up again, we both had an awful addiction to heroin. We ironically both lost about 8-10 years of our life using, in and out of rehabs, etc. This past May I celebrated 7 yrs clean. It wasn't NA that saved me. I found that mtgs got me hooked up with the wrong people. And as it works for so many (God bless 'em), I found that changing my lifestyle completely saved my life. Once you get clean, then the real work starts. I was lost, miserable and hated myself. I detoxed (by choice) off 200 mgs of methadone per day after 2 years. I lost 95 lbs (the healthy way), I gained my family back and earned their trust again. I worked very hard on myself. I went to therapy and dealt with my depression that I was diagnosed with at 11 yrs old, and got back on the right meds. He, my fiance basically did the same and is going on 9 yrs clean. It amazes me that I never thought I'd find "the one" because of my past but God certainly knows what he's doing. We have such a solid foundation of friendship first that our love for each other is true. He has this unique ability to make me fall in love with him (even after a fight and I think I "hate" him) time and time again. We are partners that work extremely well together to build a life the right way. We both feel we are each other's other half and have made it through very very rough times in the past six years.

    With all that said, he was able to find a job almost as soon as we started living together 18 months ago. Someone finally gave him "that chance" to prove himself as a "working member of society". I, myself had been receiving disability for about 8 yrs due to the severity of my depression. I was unable to keep my job. I worked 15 years in the marketing field, yet as I got older, my "episodes" became worse, I was hospitalized more and couldn't keep my job anymore (twice). Yet I continue to keep working on myself daily. I am hoping to try a PT job (just to have extra help with bills etc) before we decide to get pregnant sometime after we are married next year.

    Alcohol was never really his thing. It was the drugs. Same for me. I actually detest alcohol. My body just rejects it. I mean I'll have a very very light fruity drink when socializing but that's the extent of it. So when we moved in together and he began working, he started to have a couple beers a night here and there. Which I am all for a man to enjoy. Eventually it got to 3 beers more every night. However, it would be over say a 6 hour period - after work bet 6p and up to midnight and it wasn't every night so no big deal. Then it went up to sometimes 4 beers a night, at times including one of those big single cans of Mike's Hard Whatever. And it was every night. No dry days. We started getting into more and more heated arguments while he was drinking because he didn't have much of a tolerance. He's never hurt me. I started to bring up the drinking and he would justify everything till it got to the point where I would just "drop it".

    **I should mention he has Hepatitis C. I, too HAD Hep C (obviously from a dirty needle) back in 2010. I immediately went on the year-long Interferon treatment. Which was hell as one of the side effects is "depression". It was a tough year, yet the virus was gone. I get it checked every 6 months or so. I will always carry the strand but not the virus.

    He has yet to seek out treatment for his Hep C. His insurance at the time when he found out would not cover the thousands of dollars of treatment because his "levels were not high enough". He also went through renal cell carcenoma and lost a kidney. He has neuropathy in both legs due to all the chemo and radiation. I'd say for someone with Hepatitis C and one kidney, drinking daily is NOT the way to go. Something else should be used as an outlet to unwind after a long day.

    So I was very concerned at this point (which was less then a year ago). I told him that his "liver needed breaks to replenish itself" or something like that I read. And if he didn't care. But just to please me (and probably to shut me up about it), I asked to give me three days a week of no drinking. He settled on two. That didn't last. He was doing it for me and made me feel like his mother. The nights he did not drink, he was so annoying that I preferred him to drink!! So he drank his beers every night (up to 4/night now) Anything over two or three 12 oz beers/night for a man is considered to be a "heavy drinker". And ANYONE drinking with Hep C is like pouring gasoline onto a fire. The statistics are very scary. His father was a very very bad and abusive alcoholic (mainly hard liquor, but you just because it's beer doesn't make it any different) and he had ended up with a liver transplant. So yes, this runs in his family.

    Fast forward to today and he is up to 5 beers/night (hasn't had a day of no alcohol in over a year). I have stopped bringing it up because it causes a huge argument and ends no where - and gets "dropped" as usual. When it comes to the subject of his drinking - I absolutely can NOT communicate with him. He becomes EXTREMELY and OVERLY defensive. Like "I am like any other red-blooded hard-working American male who drinks beer to unwind at night!!" But it has become the center of everything. He lost a lot of weight because his calories come from the beer and he is never "that hungry". He could care less what I make for dinner just so long as he can drink a beer with it. And now it's not within a 6 hour period. It goes down (literally as I watch him) like water in a bottle. And his hours are erratic every week. It could be an morning until late afternoon shift to closing two nights in a row until 12:30/1a and I have to pick him up.

    **I should mention that he only drinks Light beer. And I just found this out - they have 6% alcohol per 12 oz bottle versus every other beer that has 4.2% - 5%. AND those 5 beers does NOT include the one (maybe two) he has at the bar at his restaurant when he clocks out. I mean it takes me less then 10 mins to get him and he cant now wait until he gets home?!! That scared me.

    But even getting him home that late - he will eat dinner and will be up till 4/4:30a (I think) to get his beers down. I go to bed alone every night. We have sex maybe once every couple weeks when just a year ago, he "couldn't get enough of me." Yes I know "honeymoon phases" end but I slowly started to drop off as one of his "outlets" to relax and unwind. He got more and more disinterested in me in general. His tolerance had gotten so high that he doesn't get drunk anymore. The one thing (just one) that has gotten me through the past year is that since he doesn't get drunk, you'd never ever know he just had 5 beers in say 3 hours. Never. His personality (thank God) stays the same.

    Now lately, I am having a harder and harder time of "looking the other way" simply to keep the peace. The pain in my heart of what he is doing to himself and that he may very possibly die due to liver complications or failure has become greater. The rapidness of sclerosis is that much fast because of the Hep C. So only recently this has been triggering episodes of depression for me. Sometimes there's an underlying trigger and sometimes "it" will come from no where. And those of you that also suffer with depression, it feels as though I am wrapped in this heavy wet blanket that causes the feelings of sadness (lots of crying), fear, anxiety, hopelessness and dread. All at the same time. It is very hard at times to pull out of, but I push myself and do manage to do so. And now that it is truly affecting me while he enjoys himself as the "typical red-blooded American male".

    ***Someone answer me this...Today I was putting out the recycling (which is mostly bottles and cans and there was a six pack of the Bud Light Platinum and they were all full. I brought them in and said "honey these are full but they were in the recycling bin." I think I caught him off guard because he said "oh no no that's garbage and walked away." They were filled with water with the cap screwed back on. WHY?? Did he drink them, fill them with water and put them back in the fridge so it LOOKED as tho he wasn't drinking as much?? Is that the reason??

    I love this man with everything I have and I could NEVER see myself leaving him. We even just moved into our first house together. We are getting married in Feb 2016 and then we plan to have a baby (I am 39 so that is all I think about and time is definitely NOT in our side). He is good to me, patient and loving when it comes to going through a depressive episode. He has worked extremely hard at his job - from the bottom all the way up to kitchen management by the end of the summer. He is a good man who is kind and respectful, is close with his family and cares and always gives and gives to his friends. You meet him, you just love him. Period. He has that ability to make ME fall in love with him all over again time after time. He loves me with with his whole heart and would die for me. He wants that simple "American life" with me. However, I am seriously concerned that he is slowly killing himself and I can't do anything about it because I know (as an addict and so should he), you have to accept you HAVE A PROBLEM first and foremost and then it's up to stop. You have to WANT it. No one can force you to stop. And as far as he goes, there is ZERO acceptance that there is the slightest problem whatsoever. Because I cannot talk to him about his drinking, I decide to write him an email expressing my concerns, worries and gave him cold, hard and scary facts in regards to drinking while having Hep C. I told him "I am terrified you are not going to be able to watch your child grow up past 10 or 15 (Jake is 40) and to please please think about what I am saying and talk to me." This was a week ago and it was NEVER mentioned. Not acknowledged at all.

    Today at 4p he will be seeing his doctor (we have the same doctor). I expressed my concerns to him and gave him my permission to confront him because I am at a loss as to what to do. I have no idea what will happen. He could get very angry with me and it all goes no where (again) or he may just not say anything - avoidance once again. to me and tell me what to do. Please.
    And thank you for just listening,

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-12-2015 at 08:29 AM.

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    Old 06-12-2015, 06:38 PM   #2
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    Join Date: May 2013
    Location: Indiana
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    k742 HB Userk742 HB Userk742 HB Userk742 HB Userk742 HB User
    First I want to say congratulations on sobriety and getting your life back on track.

    That said, I'm afraid I have no helpful advice. I can appreciate why you're worried and think you have every right to be. I'm sorry he isn't hearing your concerns and taking them to heart - I hope the appt goes well; I always hope hearing it from an outside source might help, but I'm not naive enough to think that's always the case.

    Are there others in his life who may be able to talk to him? Anyone who knows his story and understands the severity of the situation?

    *Hugs* to you - stay strong!

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