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Frankie300 10-19-2020 02:29 PM

How To Stop Enablement Advice Request
Hello everybody!

I'd like to start my very first post about an enablement issue that has become almost unmanageable for me to allow much longer. I'll start by describing the structure of the problem. My mother is enabling my 30 year old sister in her addiction to alcohol as well as purported disabilities that justify apathy or laziness. My sister has three children ages 1-6 years old.

I am the concerned son of my mother and the brother to my sister who is being enabled.

Now that the structure is in place, I can describe more of the issues at hand. My sister doesn't work and hasn't for years. I've asked my mother why this is and what my sister is going to do about this. My mother always has said it's due to her social anxiety and her learning disabilities. All I was told is that she is a slow learner. I'm only left to assume this is why it's hard for her to obtain employment. I've even suggested that she maybe start a claim with the SSA if this is true so that they can determine this, and maybe help monetarily, if they even do at all. This has not been looked into by any of them. I suggested that for reasons I will explain shortly.

Due to the lack of income from my sister, my mother is left footing the bill for all her grandchildren's necessities (food, diapers, clothes, shelter, etc). My mother is in her late 50's and should be contributing money elsewhere such as retirement, getting ready to take care of her mother, and overall just enjoying her life. My sister was in a government assisted housing but got evicted because of domestic violence this past summer. Regardless of what party was at fault for this, I know for a fact alcohol was involved between her and her boyfriend.

My father had said in a telephone call that when he helped her move into the housing, my sister and her boyfriend were drinking mid-day on a Sunday. I believe some of the monetary funding for the alcohol use is provided by my mother under the guise of buying food from my sister. To this day, my mother still provides her lunch money like a teenage allowance every week. In some cases, my mother just brings food home for lunch but that brings me to my next point. My mother has a weak point or soft spot psychologically from her childhood. I like to call them moral blocks. They can sometimes block you from making correct decisions in your adult life. As a child, my mother told me a story of how she went from door to door with her father or grandfather, I forget, because he was asking folks to keep her overnight as he wasn't able to and didn't have a home. I firmly believe this is an element of her decision to not kick my sister out. Another element is the grandchildren. She always says, I don't want my grand-babies out on the street. I understand this part, but it is also taken advantage of by my addict sister. She knows she will never have any consequences for her actions and the ramifications thereof.

Just recently, my mother went out of town to pick up my grandmother (her mother) and she came back to bud light bottles in the kitchen. She had to clean up after my sister. I know that she transferred money to my sister while she was away for food and that's how she purchased the booze. It is disrespectful because my mother detests a messy home especially when it's alcohol. My mother has never drank a drop in her life and neither has my father due to both their traumatic alcoholic upbringings.

My sister's children's fathers aren't there if that hasn't been picked up already. I can already see the oldest child's mimic of the enablement cycle based on a one week visit at my house. My mother would get after my children if they name called the very second it occurred. When my sister's oldest child did the same act (name called), my mother didn't say a word and turned the other cheek. I addressed this issue with my mother, and she said that my sister's oldest child has ADHD so he's different. This blew me away. I couldn't believe she was allowing the next generation to do the same thing with labels that excuse them from infractions. We all know, that never works in the real world.

I hope that any sane person can see, that this is a cycle of enablement that needs to stop immediately. I foresee my mother working past retirement and not being able to have a relationship with my two sons because she is too tied up in this detrimental cycle. I'm not sure if it means much but I forgot to add that my mother is a single divorcee of many years and doesn't date.

My plea is for advice on this situation. I have already found a visa card for addicts online that may mitigate the monetary issue. I would like to see if there's any solution for the harboring of an addict without negatively impacting the grandchildren. Without that, there are no consequences for the addict! Please suggest anything and ask any questions. I may have not given every detail so please don't hesitate to ask. Thank you!

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