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  • need help, boyfriend addicted to coke

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    Old 08-05-2003, 11:40 AM   #1
    lonelytears
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    Unhappy need help, boyfriend addicted to coke

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, it wasn't until about four months ago I even found out about his cocaine use. Then about two months after that I found out how bad it was. He smokes pot everyday, he uses coke and crack. Here's the thing. It's the lying that's really getting to me. He swears I mean the world to him. The first time If ound out he said he hadnt used coke in a while, the next time I caught him, it was an accident it was gonna stop, the next time and the next time. But with this comes all these lies. He says he needs help, he wants my help but when I catch him with an empty coke bag in his hands he'll look me dead in the face and swear it's not his. HOW DO YOU HELP SOMEONE WHO WONT TELL THE TRUTH???? I had no idea about the crack until about a month ago. He says thats really old and done with it's the coke he has troubling stopping. Well does anyone out there know if that's possible??? Can you stop using crack easily but cant stop usuing coke???? or is he lying about that too?

    We have the same conversation over and over.........he won't lie anymore, he's gonna get help, he's gonna get a new job away from his friends(that are coke users), he can't do it without me, he needs me in his life..............

    Im soooooo sick, my stomach actually hurts all the time over this. I hate the LYING far more than the actual drugs. I cry all the time. I just want to beleive him, I want this to work.

    Ive offered all I can. I offer to take him to classes. I look for new jobs for him. I sit there and take it every time he tells me he actually did use again even though he swore he didn't.

    I can't beleive what this is doing to me, and then the guilt I feel for feeling sorry for myself in this situation. how can I feel self-pitty when he needs help. But I do, I hate how his problem has become mine and seems to be twice as difficult for me. I didnt ask for this, I had no idea. The only thing I do know is I love him I do! I care what ahppens to him. He's sooo much better than his gross friends, he really is!

    Final questions..................
    1. I told him he has to stop all the drugs but for now he can keep smoking the pot, cause he says he needs it, and it relaxes him yadda yadda yadda. Is that a really bad idea???
    2. Is it possible to give up crack and not cocaine? In otherwords if he's using coke is he still using crack?
    3. What are some signs to tell if he's using when he's in front of me? Any sure fire signs???? I know he doesn't sleep, he gets hyper, but he has adhd to begin with so its hard to tell when he's him and when he's him on coke. I have a hard time knowing if he's just high by the pot or high by other stuff.
    4. I snoop. That's how I find all the drugs in his room. I am well aware of the fact that this is a violation of his privacy and for that I am truly sorry. But he says he's not gonna lie, I get this pit in my stomach then I snoop. And I always find drugs. Should I call him on the drugs I find or wait for him to tell me himself...............because he has never told me himself yet????

    p.s. I shouldnt forget to mention he has a little liking to hydro-codeine pills too!!!!!!

    Please help, anyone!!!!

     
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    Old 08-05-2003, 11:56 AM   #2
    okieatheart
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    UUGGHH!!! Where do you start? I 'm sorry I don't know anything about coke or crack.Pot is not addictive (that's what they say!) I haven't smoked pot for 17 years+(except once when i was w/ding...bad idea) Anyway....the lying sounds very familiar! OH,what we will do to get our DOC(drug of choice) lie,steal,manipulate,con and the list goes on.....do you realize that YOU can't make him stop? And YOU can't make him realize how bad of a problem it is........no matter how much you cry,beg,plead,etc....sounds rough but its the truth! You are fully aware of this mans problems and if you continue down the road with him like this you will become his enabler!He knows your not going anywhere he just doesn't want to hear you nagging him (really!) He may love you more than life itself but how much is that? Whats its worth to him? A bag of coke or you.....BUT ITS NOT THAT EASY!!! He may really want to stop but is having a difficult time...ask him if he wants to go into rehab or counseling...or A/A orN/A
    There are ALOT of knowledgable people here so keep posting and I wish you the best of luck!
    PS hopefortoday could be a BIG assisstance to you!

     
    Old 08-05-2003, 12:53 PM   #3
    Hopefortoday
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    Lonely tears . . . oh how I've felt everything you've just written. Trust me, I've walked in your shoes and know exactly how you feel.

    First of all, an addict will lie to you when he's using. Period. Don't even ask him questions when he's using because you can't believe him. Secondly, I think I could get a second job as a detective with all of my snooping work the last few years. IT DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING, only makes you feel worse. Try and stop it now . . . just assume he IS using drugs and move on.

    Please hear me, you must take care of yourself and take the focus off of him. No matter what you do, say, plead, threaten, etc. etc. etc. he will not quit using drugs until HE is ready. You cannot convince him no matter how hard you try.

    Lastly, get the phone book and look up Al-Anon and get to some meetings and listen or talk if you feel like it. You'll think some of the people in those rooms have been living in your closet because they will talk of the exact same things you just posted about. Al-Anon will help you live your life in peace and not in worry, obession and trying to control your boyfriend's drug use.

    There is hope for you and your boyfriend, please do know that!! But he has to do the work himself . . . all you need to do is love yourself and take care of yourself. Post anytime . . . there are a lot of people on this board who can offer help and advice.

    God bless you!

     
    Old 08-05-2003, 01:06 PM   #4
    lonelytears
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    Thank you hopefortoday. Everything you say makes sence. It's so hard though. God I want to believe him when he says he isnt using any. I know he has to stop when he is ready, I just which he would tell me when he uses, I want to know I want to help. I really do.

    I feel horrible that he can't come to me.

    I also cant beleive this is happening to me. Im no angel don't get me wrong. But Im in way over my head now. The thought of me going to a meeting even though it may help is frightning. It's one of those that'll never happen to me things. Im too good for this type of problem, I would never date anyone who uses drugs.

    Well I now not only date him, but I love him.

    i wish he could spend one day inside of my head, then maybe he would see and understand.



     
    Old 08-05-2003, 02:31 PM   #5
    Hopefortoday
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    Lonelytears . . . I used to want my husband to tell me when he's using too. But like I said before, more than likely, they will lie to us when they are using. It's impossible for them to be totally honest with us (regardless of how much they love us) because most of the time they aren't even being honest with themselves.

    I wish I could have "fixed" my husband but I couldn't. I wish he would have come to me instead of those freaking pills, but he didn't. It's taken a long time to get over the fact that he has to get clean and stay clean ON HIS OWN without my help. My support, yes, but not my help.

    I never planned to be married to a drug addict either. But that's where I am and I'm happy about it today. You'd be surprised at the types of people at Al-Anon meetings. Professionals, homemakers, nurses, doctors, students, teachers, etc. All walks of life and all would probably say they thought (at first) they were too good to be involved with an addict, me included. This disease does not discriminate.

    I wish I could tell you there are some short cuts to take to feel better, but there are not. If you want to pick up some books to read, try Melody Beattie's "Co-dependent No More" or "The Language of Letting Go."

    Another thing that I have done for every single day of my life the past six years is to keep a gratitude journal. Every night I write down 3-5 things that I'm grateful for. It might be big things like my healthy kids or small things like a front row parking spot at the YMCA or mexican food! It keeps you thinking of the positive things in your life even when things may not be the best for you.

    May God bless you and your boyfriend . . . take care!


     
    Old 08-05-2003, 02:36 PM   #6
    OXYMoron
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    Hey tears, here is something you should know, if you don't alreay, coke and crack are the same thing, crack is a somkeable version of cociane, with a much more intense high. I dabble in both some years ago and had no trouble quiting, it's when you have it in your system and then the cravings are there. If he was able to get away from it for a while then that might help. There are not any pyhsical symtoms of withdrawl(as far as i know, unlike anything with hydrocodone) and if he is commited to kicking that he should be able to do so with some help. I am currently in WS's for a percocet and oxycontin run, and the withdrawls are hell.....
    Good LuCk

     
    Old 08-05-2003, 04:20 PM   #7
    HERMIT
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    Lonely--I can relate to the lying he does when using as I Have watched my brother do this for over 5 years now. He has hit bottom I think--unless he ends up dead or in jail.
    I know you may not like this advice, but if you mean the world to him, why is he hurting you time after time? Perhaps you should leave him for awhile until he sinks low enough to stop on his own. As long as you are there for support he will continue. It is humiliating being known to be with or related to a drug addict and stressful also. I'll bet the money goes real fast also.
    From my experience so far he will lie, cheat steal and push the limit until there is noone left to take.My bro even has his fellow
    "friends"--all druggies mad at him and after his hide because he cheated and stole from them.
    If you leave and build a stable life for yourself; maybe he will have something to work toward--especially if he loves you. I hope whatever you do works out in the end.

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 06:40 AM   #8
    lonelytears
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    Hopefortoday, thank you very much for the book suggestions and I am going to look into those meeting today.

    I am aware that crack and coke are the same thing. My issue with each of them is this..........the thought of sniffing something up my nose or actually him sniffing something up his naose makes me sick. So when I find spoons with the white stuff, and the black burn marks on the bottom alond side a baking soda box and soda can I really get sick. The way he takes these drugs is soooo gross to me. The way he spends such time and energy to use a spoon and mix coke with baking soda (all that effort). Im not kidding when I say every time I find one I really want to throw up!!!!! When I picture him in my head sniffing this stuff or smoking this stuff it kills me, it just KILLS me!!!!!!!!!

    I really want him away from the "scene". He needs to get away from his crappy night job where all his coke buddies are. We spend every weekend alone, together. He says that during those times he doesn't even think about doing it. He says it's soooo easy not to use when I drag him away from all of it.

    It's getting harder and harder. I know I should leave him, he admits that he knows I should leave him too. But like I said before I do love him. It's so hard for me to just walk away. I love hearing from him everyday and the time we spend together means more to me than anything. Also keep in mind, he's 26 but I am only 23. As much as I hate to admit it I am still young, so when I fell in love with him, I fell hard! So I still have that feeling most young people do about hating to be alone myself.

    On the other hand, which is probabaly another reason why this is so hard. I managed to put myself through college full time, while working full time, for four years. During those four years I didn't think much of it. Looking back now I realized how much I actually had accomplished. He says the things I have done in my life, and the way I worked gives him all this inspiration. He says it may be the biggest reason he loves me. So the fact that I have absolutely no control over this situation is tearing me apart. The fact that I know no matter what I say to convince him to stop, goes in one ear and out the other with him, gets me ******.

    It's taking a toll on me. He goes about his days acting like everything is normal. If I don't bring up the drug issue he never does which leads me to believe he's still not ready to stop no matter what he says. He always knows when things are bothering me. I can see myself getting more quiet around him. Just plastering on a fake smile and uttering uh-huh's, and yea's to him when he speaks. I try to stop it but I can't. The depression and anger and sadness it's all rolling into this big ball, it's making me into this total opposite person. He fell in love with me, he said and it's true, I was outgoing, I would hang with everyone, so talkative, always smiling, always laughing, strong-minded and opioniated.

    And now.........quiet, not sure what to talk about, always have a worried smile, one Im sure he knows I just try to put on to please him, and those watery eyes I can't get rid of, that burning sensation behind my eyes when I lye next to him, the tears about to flow at any time.

    Im scared my shutting down may hurt us also. It's so weird how some days I am set on the fact this is going to work! I refuse to let him quit on us. Were going to make it through. Then there are days when I'm sure walking away is what's best for everyone involved. People say all you can do is take it day by day, and maybe that is true. Patients is definatly a virtue I'm enviuos of. : )

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 08:21 AM   #9
    Monday1954
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    Lonelytears, My heart goes out to you, one thing is your age, my son is 23 and my daughter is almost 25. I would not wish them to go down the road you are on.
    My daughter has problems of her own, which I can't fix - but I am her mother and would never abandon her. A boyfriend or husband is a different subject to me. No offense to all of the husbands and wives out there, just hear me out.

    I love my husband but if living with him caused me misery I would not stay. When I attended my first Alanon meeting it actually filled me with hopelessness. Many of the people had been coming to the meetings for years and years - nothing had changed. The spouse still drank, used and spent all of their money. I kept wondering why they stayed with the spouse. The religious beliefs that I was brought up with says you marry for better or worse - I tend to disagree - God wants me to be happy, he does not want me to live a sad life, not that every day has to be sunshine and happiness but for most of the time, contentment and peace.

    You said you love your boyfriend, I believe that, but if you can't live with what he is doing you can choose to leave. You will most likely always love him, you can love the person but hate the life they live - you have the choice - stay and wait for more things to happen or go and try to make a new start. He will always have a special place in your heart, but not necessarily in your life.

    Ask yourself these questions:

    1. Do I want to have children?
    2. Would this person be a stable father and provider?
    3. As time goes by and he sinks farther into drug use will I be ashamed of him?
    4. Do you want to lead a double life? The one you don't mind your parents and boss to know about and the one you really live. Living a life of fear maybe, waiting for the police to come to your house to arrest him, possibly you along with him.
    5. Do you want to be one of the people I saw at my Alanon meeting - 45, with children, still wondering how things got this way?

    Many people choose to stay with their spouses - trying and hoping they will change. Well.......you can't change them, they can only change themselves. If you want to see if your boyfriend is willing and able to change give it a go, but if he is unwilling - go on out the door.

    There is an Alanon/Naranon board - if you just type in RODAT you will be able to find it. I like to read the posts - they help me with my feelings. Go there and read - most of these people are still struggling to help their loved ones, even 10, maybe 15 years later.
    Read this and then try to decide if he is worth it and you want to still be sad and unhappy trying to fix him.

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 08:34 AM   #10
    lonelytears
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    Thank you Monday1954. Everyone is able to give me a different outlook on the situation. I thank you for yours. You are right about the cases where the people never change. Even with something with as small as a time frame as mine (1 year). Each week never seems to change so why would the years?

    I do want children and I want a stable home. He and I have actually had conversations about this. He says he wants to be able to provide all that for me. I've always said to him, I will not EVER have children with someone who uses drugs. I have a choice to put myself in this situation, a child does not. I could'nt live with myself if I brought a defenseless child into this mess. He is well-aware of where I stand on that issue. He also claims to want to have a family, he said he never did before we started dating, he was content with his life-style.

    When push comes to shove, and I'm ready to start a family, if the drugs are'nt 100% gone and have been for an extended amount of time, I will ultimitaly leave him. Nothing is more important to me than to start a family, that decision/choice is the only thing I remain certain of!!! It wasn't an easy decision for me to make, but I chose the family path instead of total focus on career path.

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 09:04 AM   #11
    Jeffie010603
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    I'll just echo what others here have already said: Leaving him may be the one thing that "inspires" him on the road to recovery. And if that doesn't, nothing will. As long as you stay there is no incentive for him to fix himself. Even if it is just for now, leave him, and work on yourself, like your fear of being alone. Leave him to fix himself. Six months from now you can reassess things... Just my two cents... There really is something to that codependent theory--hope you look into it seriously. Good luck to you!

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 09:15 AM   #12
    yoga1st
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    you have already invested a year in with this guy and you are already miserable,,you have no children, nothing holding you to him, this is only my opinion but i would leave , i am not perfect, nobody is everyone has their demons to deal with but he has started out this relationship with lies,that right there to me is reason enough to end it, once you lose the trust you really never get it back,
    yoga
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    Old 08-06-2003, 09:27 AM   #13
    lonelytears
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    yoga,
    You are right. I built a relationship around big fat lies, and secrets. People say once trust is gone, with hard work you can get it back. But let's be honest..........can you ever really get it back?

    Thank you yoga, for yet another perspective for me to consider.

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 09:37 AM   #14
    lane7eir
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    lonely-
    i've been in the same boat as you for a couple of years now. fortunately, as of yesterday my husband is willing to try. i am an alcoholic in aa and alanon. the two programs have taught me several things. the most important is to love myself, but my sobriety and sanity first, and willingness to listen to others is the key.
    it has taken me a long time to see the importance of not letting his behavior affect my reactions. this is something i have to remind myself of every day.
    if your bf decides to get clean, be there as support and not the "repairman"
    hopefortoday is, in my opinion, the resident expert on codependancy and how to work yourself out of it. her husband, verylucky, can give you lots of insight from the point of view of the addict.
    i have a young child and i too said i would never have kids with an addict. for me, my baby is an inspiration for me to stop my demons from taking over. i think, slowly, my husband is seeing that.
    i have friends who tell me to leave him but they just don't get it. i love my husband with all my heart, he just disappoints me with how he is hurting himself.
    ok, i'm rambling on and on. keep posting! this board is great!
    laney

     
    Old 08-06-2003, 09:57 AM   #15
    lonelytears
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    Thank you Laney. Leaving someone is easier said than done. I know what I would tell one of my friends in this situation, before I was in it myself. I am a smart woman, I understand what Im embarking on, I also understand I have the option to walk away. But people just keep saying leave the *******, and any other time I would say that too.
    But I'm on the other side now, and obviuosly not ready to walk away just yet. So messages like yours and hope's are very important to me.

    I know I deserve someone who treats me like a princess, someone who respects me, and cherishes me, and who would DO ANYTHING for me, someone who doesn;t hurt me, someone who I respect and cherish in return. But no one is perfect including myself, life doesn't just put everyone in a perfect situation. It sucks, there's hard times if Ive learned anything in my life it's that.........life just isn't fair. You can't waste time asking "why me"!!!!!!

    So I am gonna try a little longer, and I am gonna try to open my heart up as best as I know how. I am not ready to quit on us! I am no doormat, when and if the time comes to leave I will be strong enough to do so.

    But there is that lil ray of romantic fantasy that still hasn't been shattered. That little piece of hope that says........you will get through this, and in the end it will be worth it and maybe we will "live happily ever after".

    I will not let the drugs and lies and secrets destroy that little piece of hope whether it be reality or fallacy!

     
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