It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics Message Board

  • husband sex addict

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 12-19-2003, 07:42 PM   #1
    pammy48
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Texas
    Posts: 5
    pammy48 HB User
    Unhappy husband sex addict

    [FONT=Courier New][COLOR=Navy]

    Oh God can someone please help me. I have been to hell and back and I still keep going to hell. In Jan. 2003 I found that my so called loving husband was looking at porn on the internet and what makes it really bad is that my daughter caught it and told me. He was so busted. He couldn't lie out of it for sure. He told me through our whole marriage he doesn't do that kind of stuff. What lies and what a fool I was to believe him. Evidently it had gone on for a long while 5 to 7 years I am guessing. To top it off I always still felt like something is not right. He took a polygraph test and still tried to lie right up to the point of taking the test, even wanting the person giving the test to only ask questions that my husband gave him. What an idiot. Then it all came out that he had an affair about 7 years ago with a 23 year old. At that point he was trying to still believe he did not have sex with her. He was pulling a Bill Clinton and didn't think that was sex. And to this day he says he was conned by her. He is old enough to be her father and then some. How devastated I was to hear that he cheated on me. Even before we went to take the test he swore to me that he never ever touched another human in our marriage and would never do that. He even swore on the bible. Since in the last 6 months we have gone to marriage counseling, retrouvialle (Catholic church) and psychiatrist. It has helped some, but I have no trust at all in the person and how can I? All the lies the deceit the infidelity has hurt me so deep. This isn't all. I kept a list of the file servers from the computer and started to think about each one. The one that is most disturbing is the Incest servers. He went to everything and anything. I questioned him on this the other day while he was at work. How can anyone go to such sick web sites like this I asked him. I told him that something is terriably wrong and he better explain. First he said he was curious. I of course refused that excuse off the bat. I told him maybe if you are a teenager that would constitute being curious to look at it maybe once, but not at 47 years old and going to these repeatedly. Again he tries to justify everything. Then he said he would talk about when he got home. He works nights. So in the mornging when he got home he talked about it and said that there was some incest in his childhood. Well I still needed to know exactly what happened because I have 2 girls at home and want to protect them. He said he and his siblings, 1 brother and 2 sisters were all having intercourse with each other. He didn't remember much he said only that he knows he had not even started puberty. He said is sister orchestrated the whole thing. She is 1 year older then he. He said it lasted about 3 weeks and after it was all over with it was never spoken of. Of course this just makes everything so much worse now. How much more can I take?? I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I hate him with everything I have, but still here. What the hell is wrong with me to put up with this stuff?
    You know when you marry someone you are supposed to know them fully. How wrong I was. I find that I never ever knew him at all. He is not the person I thought I knew. Its like he had a double life. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter who is a knockout. I have a 23 year old daughter from my first marriage that lives with us. I have a 27 year son and a 3 year old grand-daughter. I now worry about protecting them mostly. If he ever touched one of them I would absolutely kill him.
    I am so hurt and do not trust anyone. The betrayal is beyond words to describe. There is no words that I can find.
    He says the affair only lasted 2 weeks. Who cares how long an affair is an affair is an affair I say. The internet porn has stopped. He has not been on the computer since he was busted. He says he is glad its all out in the open but how do I know there is not more. What else is he hiding that he has done? I told our marriage counselor about the incest which she did not know about because he did not tell her. Now he is mad because I told her, which I think is very pertinent to know.
    He acts like I don't have a right to be this mad about anything. I know its been months, but the hurt won't go away.
    I have prayed my heart out for myself to quit the hurting and it won't stop. I cry all the time. Just the thought of everything that he has done to me turns my stomach. How can anyone if they say they love you hurt you so so much?
    Someone please help me. I can't hardly take anymore pain.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 12-19-2003, 08:44 PM   #2
    housemum
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: La la land...
    Posts: 165
    housemum HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    I've heard porn addiction can be as strong as any addiction.

    I am sorry you've had to go through this. All the hurts and lies and deceit.

    Of course you are hurt and angry that is natural, but you are not responsible for what he has done.

    He has been unfaithful to you and now you must decide what to do with him. If you truly love him, and he is serious about help then there is a possiblity your marriage can be saved, if not, then you'll have to decide what to do.

    Practice "tough love" and give him an ultimatum(ms). If his addiction is that strong he'll need help and accountibilty...and if he is willing to get this help you'll know by his behavior.

    I hear deep rejection and pain in your post. That is understandable. You might want to get some personal counseling for yourself. This is not an easy situation.

    I wish I could say more.

    Maybe there is someone here who has gone through an addiction like this. Annie

     
    Old 12-19-2003, 10:29 PM   #3
    pammy48
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Texas
    Posts: 5
    pammy48 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    Thank you for replying. I have alot to think about. My mind changes so often on what to do.
    He is trying hard. He is the one who go us signed up for the Retrouvaille weekends, marriage counseling. These weekends are great while you are there. It is non stop communication. But after leaving a weekend reality sits back in.
    He was advised to go to a 12 step counseling also. He has not done that. But I am very leary about it. There may be women in there who are sex addicts also.
    And I do not think that would be a good idea. Its like putting a buck and a deer in there during rutting season if you know wha I mean. There has to be some kind of a church group of nothing but men instead.
    This pain will last for a long time. The therapist thinks 2 to 3 years of not more.
    I thought I would never have to go through this again. I went through a cheating husband with my first marriage. He was messing around with the babysitter. I have the worst luck I guess. I am a devoted wife, I don't mess around. I don' t even go out on a girls night out. I am basically a maid around this house. Cook, clean, wash , mop etc. When we go out to anywhere I make sure I have my makeup on and nice clothes, so its not like I don't take care of my self because I do.

     
    Old 12-20-2003, 12:24 PM   #4
    Karla
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Nov 2000
    Location: madison, wi usa
    Posts: 968
    Karla HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    Sex addiction is just like drug addiction in the sense that an addiction is an addiction. It is not about love. I loved my husband and worshiped the ground he walked on. However, I was very compulsive with my sexuality. I cheated on him numerous times with many long lasting affairs, masterbated several several times a day, and looked at porn daily. It was all about me and not about him. Of course he felt worthless and like he was a failure and it was his fault. But it wasn't. I was molested as a child by my Grandfather. I had many years of individual counceling and joint marrage counceling. This is not something that goes away over night and it takes years to break the cycle. For me sex had to be bad to be good. That is what I thought subcouncously because you see when I was little and molested it felt good physically but it also felt bad emotionally and I felt guilty. This is how I was brought up to feel about sex. It really confused me and made me one sick individual. I was molested repeatedly between the ages of 4-11. I was also raped twice. I joined a support group that had significant others/spouses and victims and perpatrators all in a group setting. It gave me a great chance to heal. It was very painfull for me tho and I used drugs to suppress the emotional pain and go easy on myself. Big mistake but that is how I coped for a while. It helped me understand that people who molest are victims to. I found out my Grandfather was molested by his aunts. I joined a 12 step Sex Addicts anonomous support group. It was one of the best things that happened to me. Yes there are men and women there. Many are gay or lesbian so to think your husband will be more safe in a mens only group is just not so. You have nothing to worry about. And this is a risk worth taking. You can not control him. If he is going to act out he will do it weather or not he is going to meetings. He has to want help. If he truely wants help he will find it there. These meetings can restore the guilt and shame that your husband feels and restore him to grace. He needs the support of others who have been through this to get him through. When I crawled into a 12 step support group hitting on the individuals in my meeting was the last thing on my mind. They also have rules in place that if anyone hits on anyone that get kicked out of the group. They strongly encourage men to help men and women to help woman. I hope you can find peace with this and change your mind and let your husband go. You will both benifit from it.

    Last edited by Karla; 12-20-2003 at 12:30 PM.

     
    Old 12-20-2003, 02:40 PM   #5
    pammy48
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Texas
    Posts: 5
    pammy48 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    You know I think the thing that I am worrying about is how long this has been going on. I cannot believe all this has just happened within the past 7 years. What about all the years before it. How can you just become an addict one day or does this start out young? If he has had a sex problem wouldn't it stand to reason that it would have gone on for most of his life?
    I usually associate sex addicts to be men. You have been so truthful to admit your problem, especially for a woman. My husband said the beginning of the year he is starting the 12 step program. This was recommended by our priest and our couselor and the psychiatrist.
    I am just still so devastated I can't think straight any more. I keep going over things like how could he do all of this to me. Where was his guilt at the time. I guess you have no guilt at the time though.
    I am really going to have a tough time tomorrow though. His sister the one who is a year older is having Christmas get together tomorrow at her house. She has no idea I found out what happened. My husband told me not to treat her any different than I did before. But how do you do that knowing there was this sex abuse in their family and she was the ringleader. I will forever look at her in a different way now. I know I will see my husband in a different way also forever. I don't see the cherished love we had anymore or the same person. Its just blank. He threw all that away when he had an affair and the pain is terriable.
    I know this is going to take a very very very long time to get through and some days I can barely make it.
    He is getting all the resources together for him and myself. He does say he is going to fix everything he messed up. Its just humiliating for the spouse to have been with a person so long and not really know what was going on. The trust just isn't there anymore. He wants to stay in the marriage and vows it will work.
    I am trying but its a day by day thing with me.
    And you are right I have no control over him. If he is going to cheat he will and look and porn he will. I guess time will tell, because he is going to have to put alot of time in repairing the marriage.

     
    Old 12-20-2003, 04:30 PM   #6
    Karla
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Nov 2000
    Location: madison, wi usa
    Posts: 968
    Karla HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    You are right you do not become addicted in one day. You don't just wake up and say today I am going to be an addict. Chances are it started with his sister molesting him and exploded from that time on. You are right to have hard feelings against your sister in law. I know that I forgave my Grandfather and hugged him and told him that I was letting the family know what happened at least everyone but my Grandmother. It would have killed her to think that her 60 year marriage was a lie. I put it behind me and went forward after I let my Grandfather know exactly how it had affected my life and my marriage. I had complete closure with him. He admited it. My husband however, couldn't stand him because of what it had made me become. He was civil to my grandfather but he never said anything to him before he passed on. For the sake of the family it should probably be up to your husband to confront her and he may after he has some counceling and support behind him. It should be between the two of them and you should find comfort in that. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. The first 9 years were hell to put it midly. I became a born again christian 11 years ago and that forever changed my life and healed me from all my addictions. God also saved my marriage. My husband and I have a running joke. He says I am his second wife and the prior me was his first wife. I am that different of a person. Sex is such a powerful thing. It was as much a high for me as alcohol or cocaine. I never felt guilt until after the act was done and then it would set in. I couldn't overcome my compulsive behavior. If I could have I would have stopped acting out myself without help. The guilt is overwhelming. You feel so low and disgusting. I think I actually hated myself more than my husband hated me. I strongly suggest that you get some counceling to to help you get through this a strong and intact person. I know my husband felt such low self esteme for a long time over this. I will pray that you find comfort and wisdom to deal with this difficult sittuation.

     
    Old 12-21-2003, 08:12 PM   #7
    annie7
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: Kansas City, MO USA
    Posts: 240
    annie7 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    God. When I read your post I totally related. My husband was not into incest stuff (at least not that I know of) but sex addicts are sex addicts. If you just found out, you do have long journey ahead of you. However, you must think of YOU. I hope that you find a good counselor who will help YOU. I am a 'co-dependent'. I just realized this. I found out about my husbnd after 24 years of marriage. We have now been married 27.

    Your husband sounds like he wants to 'get well'. Is this true? If so, that's a plus for your marriage. From what I read there are three seperate issues here; your health and healing, your husbands, and your marriage. You first have to deal with you. He can deal with him, and then you both can deal with the marriage. I'm not sure, but I think that's what I read in a book called "In the Shadow of the Net".

    There is a book called "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allander. It's a Christian book, but not really very religious. It talks about how to love the evil person, the fool, and the normal sinner. If you take the 'fool' out and use the word "addict', it totally fits.

    'They; (whoever 'they' really are???) say that it takes two years of healing to every year of deceit. I thought that I too, knew my husband. I ignored many sigins. I was either too naive' or just plain stupid. God olny knows. I now see my husband in the light of an addict. The sex is just a symptom of a root problem. It takes a long time to work through and go back into childhood to see 'roots' of why we behave the way we do.

    If your husband had sexual abuse, then that is a key fact. Right now you're angry, hurt, etc etc...but hopefully for your own healing, you'll see that he too is hurting and the sex is not what it seems. There is a wonderful book called "Out of the Shadows" about sex addiction. It is very precise and revealing.

    God, I'm so, so sorry for your pain. I say that only out of comraderie. I too went to hell and back. I hope that you have some sort of faith, because it sure does help and see you through in times of despair.

    Again...I am so sorry...

     
    Old 12-21-2003, 08:26 PM   #8
    annie7
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: Kansas City, MO USA
    Posts: 240
    annie7 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    I already posted a reply to you, but wanted to add that my husband went to a 12 step group for sex addicts. A woman joined and it made absolutely NO sense to me. I go to a great counselor (and my husband goes to her as well) and she could see my point. Going to a sex addicts group with the opposite sex there is like putting a keg of beer on the table at an AA meeting. My husband and I actually argued about this for a time. He finally went to a Christian men's group of recovering sex addicts and he has bonded with those men and receives healing from that group.

    The second thing that I wanted to add is that it has been proven that codependents choose addicts. Now, that's not true in all cases i'm assuming, but when I continue to look at my own life, I see that iti's true. I really hope that you begin searching your own life for healing. It certainly isn't your fault that your husband is a sex addict. I keep telling myself that and am sort of, starting to believe it. I could go on and on, but won't. If you have any question, please don't hesitate to ask. I can't tell you how i feel for you. My prayers are with you. And God is too, he's fighting for you.

     
    Old 12-21-2003, 10:23 PM   #9
    pammy48
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Texas
    Posts: 5
    pammy48 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    Yes, I have a very long journey if I can ever make it. I do have a counselor and she is good. My husband goes to her also. Sometimes we go together and also do individual therapy. She pointed out last week that our marriage may not make it and suggested a seperation. I have alot to think on that. I have fibromyalgia with some other health problems so its not like I can do without the insurance. My husband says he is going to keep on fighting to keep our marriage no matter what it takes.
    I truly believe that he wants the marriage to work. But most of the time I feel like that because he got caught and doesn't want to lose the family. He says we are all he has.
    You have been married alot longer and to find out after 24 years would be a hard blow. Doesn't it just feel as though you lost something that you know you will never get it back even though you know now you never had it. Does that make sense?
    I don't think that you or I were naive or stupid, I think that we both just trusted with our whole heart and was too comfortable to think that nothing like this would ever happen. And the husbands just played a very well game of betrayal, lies and deceit. Well, my eyes are wide open now and forever more. I will never get that confortable again in this marriage to trust fully. My guard will always be up. But what a life to live. Who wants to do that? I would rather have a husband who I can believe in and trust and loves me with everything they have. I have yet to find a man of that kind of potential. Like I said I have the worst luck. My first husband, we were high school sweethearts. I again trust him fully. After our second child was born, we built a nice home. We had a home welcoming party and invited mostly friends. Well is little teeny popper secretary showed up and from then on he screwed around with her until I found out. Of course I was the last to know. Everyone knew but me. I got rid of him quick. He married the tramp and have 2 other children now. My kids fairly get along with her, but they know what happened.
    So like I say it doesn't seem possible that a good man anywhere is out there. But I do have to be partial here for a second. My son is a good man. He is 27 and the best looking man I know. Very Very handsome. He is going through a divorce because his wife doesn't think she has the same feelings she once had, so goes the story. Anyway he is pretty devastated.Good thing though, he will be here right after Christmas with his 3 year old daughter. Since he is young and handsome and has a great job banking in Al he will find no problem in finding a good girl sometime in his life to share. I will have to screen her though. LOL
    Now getting on to co-dependents choose addicts. I don't get that?
    My counselor does say I am co-dependent. But I don't see that. I have been married, divorced and lived on my own for a while with the kids, then remarried. But I had no idea he had all of these problems. My first husband wasn't an addict although he did like to drink on occasions. He still does from what my daughter tells me. So I am betting he possibly is an alcholic by now.
    I am going to look for those books you have mentioned. I need the most healing.
    I am in agreement with the 12 step program. If there are any females is just seems to make the situation worse even if not meaning to or not. Its just the spouse has to to the trust thing and its not there yet. So why not help the spouse and do what is asked and find an all gentlemans support group. Or maybe I will go with him and check it all out myself.
    How are you and your husband doing since you found out about the sex addiction?
    My husband continually cries. He cries at the retrovaille meetings, in mass, in confession, at the therapist. He cries more than me now. I think after you have been hurt like this, you go though stages like a death. The hurt sets in and you cry and cry, then you go to alot of thinking and then you start analizing everthing, then the questions start and are non stop. Then the hate sets in and no trust. And you start to have an attitude of you can care less and what you can do for revenge. I haven't gotten that far yet which I am trying to avoid it. But I do know he knows he as lost something so precious that he didn't even know he had until it was gone and that was most of my love and trust. And the repect from me and my children has been totally lost. The girls no longer respect him and he knows that. He says he will have to work on that getting it all back from the kids. He has alot to work on.
    My prayers are with you too. And I know God is fighting for us. I do my best praying very late at night, say the rosary and read some prayers, especially go over the ten commandments. But I do have to admit after I do all of that I do pray for one more thing in the end, for God to take me during the night. I am ready, but I don't think he wants me yet. I must have work still here to do with my children and family is the only think I can think of.
    Anyway looks like I am sticking around until God decides.

    Last edited by pammy48; 12-21-2003 at 10:25 PM.

     
    Old 12-22-2003, 07:48 AM   #10
    annie7
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: Kansas City, MO USA
    Posts: 240
    annie7 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    It was good hearing from you. I wanted to comment on the fact that I sort of look at all this 'stuff' that has come out on a spiritual level as well as a psychological and emotional. I have a strong faith in God, however, I did look to other 'gods' for an escape. Just as my husband went to porn and cyber and phone sex, I too had other gods. I see and can seperate the addiction from my husband. I saw my husband in his 'true' self. That is why I married him. 'His true self' meaning, that which God had intended him to be. I still see that true self and even more now than for many years previously.

    My husband also was abused as a child. I can't stand his mother; she's mainly the one who did it. I have an inner city school so I can see my husband as one of those kids with abuse in his background. He can see that as well. As we uncover layers of undealt with issues, just the awareness of what surfaces is freeing. I have seen my husband change from an emotionally unavailable man, to an angry man, to a gentle man who intensly wants to change and be healthy, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically.

    As far as myself, I too am changing. I used to be pretty damn self righteous (and still have a ways to go), but now I try not to compare and judge. I'm so much better and feel so much more free. I have realized that the counceling will never stop. I need all the help that I can get.

    More than anything I've realized that I will never be totally, one hundred percent happy in this life. And another huge revelation is that I will NEVER find my identity as a woman or anything else for that matter, in a man, a career, my children etc...only in God and myself. I've also accepted the fact that life is messy and I can't clean it up on my own- and most of the time...i can't clean it up at all!!!!...i need God desperately. Do I use God as a crutch?....HELL YES....AND MORE... lol The funny thing is though, the more I 'use' God, the more independent emotionally i become. Such an amazing paradox. It takes time....and we do have that don't we? Thank you for your prayers...I hope you continue to pray for me (annie) and I will you.

    May I suggest some books that will give you insight to YOU? They are "Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis...."Journey of Desire" by John Eldredge..."The Awakened Heart" by Geral May (I especially like this one) --You can find these relatively cheap on the net.

    I wish you peace and the ability to find God in the moment...

     
    Old 01-04-2004, 08:49 PM   #11
    pammy48
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Texas
    Posts: 5
    pammy48 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    Well got through Christmas. It was so hard. Start back to therapy this Tuesday. I am falling to pieces I think. I can hardly get through the days.

    So far I cannot seperate the addiction from his true self, because I don't know what his true self is. I really thought I did, but found I really never did. So many lies have been told and I just don't believe anything he says anymore.

    A friend of mine sent me an e-mail to let me know that her ex-sister in law committed suicide couple weeks ago. The funeral was Friday. Her sister in law was cheated on by her husband which would be my friends brother, evidently she could not handle it any longer. I related to that because I know exactly how she felt. My friend was worried about what her sister in laws family was thinking about her brother, so I told her exactly what was going through their minds. She would still be here if it weren't for his infidelity. I am sure they are blaming him, which I can understand and its true.

    I just wish people would stop and think before they screw around how that action would affect their family. Its totally devistation for the kids and the other spouse. How would anyone want to hurt their family in that way. I will never understand it.

    I am still going to find those books. I hope I can try to get them in the next couple of weeks.

    Still praying for healing.

     
    Old 01-05-2004, 04:55 PM   #12
    annie7
    Senior Member
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Location: Kansas City, MO USA
    Posts: 240
    annie7 HB User
    Re: husband sex addict

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pammy48
    Well got through Christmas. It was so hard. Start back to therapy this Tuesday. I am falling to pieces I think. I can hardly get through the days.

    So far I cannot seperate the addiction from his true self, because I don't know what his true self is. I really thought I did, but found I really never did. So many lies have been told and I just don't believe anything he says anymore.

    A friend of mine sent me an e-mail to let me know that her ex-sister in law committed suicide couple weeks ago. The funeral was Friday. Her sister in law was cheated on by her husband which would be my friends brother, evidently she could not handle it any longer. I related to that because I know exactly how she felt. My friend was worried about what her sister in laws family was thinking about her brother, so I told her exactly what was going through their minds. She would still be here if it weren't for his infidelity. I am sure they are blaming him, which I can understand and its true.

    I just wish people would stop and think before they screw around how that action would affect their family. Its totally devistation for the kids and the other spouse. How would anyone want to hurt their family in that way. I will never understand it.

    I am still going to find those books. I hope I can try to get them in the next couple of weeks.

    Still praying for healing.
    pammy.....I read your post with an ache in my heart. An ache because I really do understand your feeling of despair. It's worse than death when you are betrayed like this. However please hear me out. I found out that I really did depend on my husband for my identity as a woman. My 'self' was so tied up with him that I was obsessed. That's why it almost destroyed me. I felt as if I lost myself. I now realize that my husband's betrayal was only part of why I felt so lost. It may not be this way with you though.

    Please know that there is a loving God who gives us free choices. It seems almost a contradiction in terms. Please know that there is a God who is fighting for you right now.

    I dont' blame you for not believing anything that he says. I still don't trust my husband like I did. I probably never will. I hope that you go easy on yourself and treat yourself kindly. I also hope that you have friends and/or family who will stand with you, and who will pick you up when you feel weak with despair. Please don't despair though..When I felt in despair I imagined myself on a sort of board, somewhat like a surf board, on the ocean. I visualized that my pain and panic was a huge wave that seemed as if it would overtake me. But I gripped tightly to the board (who symbolized Christ to me) and just let it come. As time passed, when the 'waves' of panic and despair came, I realized that they would also pass. Whatever you have to do to just 'hang on' through the pain, do it.

    In the meantime...know that even though this is an anonymous board, I really do care. I really do wonder how you're doing even when I'm not in front of this screen. My prayers are with you....

     
    Old 01-07-2004, 08:02 AM   #13
    wolfsalt
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Sep 2003
    Posts: 3
    wolfsalt HB User
    Men and women and sex

    Men are wired different,chill out.I spent years in SA[sex addicts annonomus]I think most men are obsessive compared to women.

     
    Old 01-07-2004, 08:22 AM   #14
    Banker
    Senior Veteran
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Posts: 1,185
    Banker HB User
    Re: Men and women and sex

    Wolf - my ex husband was a BAD sex addict. He was into cyber sex like there was no tomorrow. He admitted he was addicted and wanted to get better. However, he never would go see a specialist or anything. We divorced because of his problem. I couldn't stand not being wanted anymore after 9 years with him. I'm a fairly attractive girl that has a healthy appetite for sex but he couldn't have intimate sex. It always had to be about his fantasies instead of ME. It was horrible. I know men fantasize as to women... But when you chose cyber over your own wife, there is a HUGE problem. Especially when we would have sex, it was really good... Just not intimate. It's hard to explain. Anyway, my question to you is what did the group do for you and how are you supposed to 'recover' from such an addiction. If you don't mind sharing some more info, I would appreciate it. Pammy... I've been there and I suffered and stayed with him for a LONG time after I found out. It continued and continued. We would go 8 months without having sex. It was a nightmare. Anyway, it took me a long time to gain my self confidence back. I've now been w/a man for almost a year that I love dearly and I still have a hard time initiating sex because I'm so scared of rejection. It messes with your mind badly. You really, really need to get MAJOR help. Sounds like your counselor may not be cutting it. Also, are you taking any medication for depression and/or anxiety? If you are wishing you were dead, you need to get help immediately. You are too good of a person. You have to know that you husband really does love you.... I mean it, he loves you. It's just he has problems that he cannot control. Trust me, I've watched my ex suffer severely after we divorced because he's just so alone and loves me so much but I just couldn't stick around and continue on that path. HE LOVES YOU and if he's willing to get help, encourage him and support him. And get yourself help too. I'm praying extra hard for you.

     
    Old 01-07-2004, 11:01 AM   #15
    wolfsalt
    Newbie
     
    Join Date: Sep 2003
    Posts: 3
    wolfsalt HB User
    Re: Men and women and sex

    There is a basic text for SA called "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous".It's a personal history[quit an amazing story]also the beginnings of the group itself and the steps to recovery.Chapter 3 is on living with a sex and love addict.It's a great support group for anyone "acting out".You can recover one day at a time.For myself it was about the love not the physical act of sex.I was addicted to the passion which can't possible last so i would move on looking for that fix in another.Passion was a drug and led me too act out much like an alcoholic or drug addict.I was a slave to romantic intrigue.Like a drug it was a temporary fix,but instead of a chemical i used people to fill the emptiness inside.I'm no success story i just moved on.My addictions today are less self destructive so i can live life without creating more wreckage .True love and partnership,i don't know those terms but my focus today is myself.I learned if i want to be there for someone else i have to work on me,be my own best friend.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My husband does not agree with meds,plz help me gorgee Pain Management 19 02-25-2008 01:28 PM
    my husband can't quit smoking weed jentracy Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 6 12-29-2007 09:15 PM
    husband stole my meds! couchtator Pain Management 11 10-14-2006 12:52 PM
    Husband addicted to cocaine lostnewwife Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 40 09-07-2005 05:57 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is On
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:12 AM.





    2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!