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  • What does he REALLY want?

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    Old 02-13-2004, 07:05 PM   #1
    MamaGirl
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    Unhappy What does he REALLY want?

    My daughter's father has a crack addiction. He'll binge and spend as much as he can for a few days, then be clean for 3-4 months. Then the whole cycle starts over again.

    He's borrowed people's cars in the past and "forgotten" to bring them back because he was loaning them out to people for enough money for an 8ball, stolen money from people he was living with, you name it, he's done it. It's only when he's heading toward the crack house though.

    Anyways, this man is 37 years old. We have a 2 year old daughter together, plus another on the way. He has like 15 kids and owes THOUSANDS in child support. He only actually sees or talks to my daughter at the moment. (*We aren't together*) A few weeks ago he calls my house at 3am and says that he's in the hospital. He had the crap beat out of him. He wasn't honest with me and told me some story (I knew what he was doing and why he got beat up though.) He was really hurt. He said that he'd realized a lot of things and that he was going to stop the stupid stuff he was doing. I told him that I would go to NA meetings with him as often as he needed. I want to see him do better. He's had this problem for as long as I've known him plus even before then.

    He says he wants to stop and I want to believe him, but I just can't. I know that I can't force him to get clean, but when is he going to realize what he needs to do? When he gets killed? I'm really worried because he's spent a lot of money lately and has NOTHING to show for it. He disappears for days at a time and I know what he's doing. The other day I mentioned that he was scaring me and we got into an argument in which he said that I shouldn't be questioning him. He got really mad and took off. I'm really scared for him and I can't stand living in fear of his life. (In the summer of 2002 he moved across the country to escape 3 men looking for him and staking out my house with black gloves on-he owed them $600 for crack.)

    Do I just tell him to stay away from our daughter and me and hope he comes around? I want to help him, but he needs to want me to help him. I'm so torn up about all of this. I HATE CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    If anybody actually read all of my rambling, thank you. Any opinions would be appreciated.

     
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    Old 02-13-2004, 07:35 PM   #2
    dsny
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    First let me say how sorry I am that you are suffering and hope that it does get better.Crack from what I'm told is one of the worst drugs to be hooked on and the hardest to get off of.In my opinion the more you help him the more you are enableing him to get high.Most drug counselers will tell you that you cant help them in anyway that includes food,shelter etc.I know its hard to do but you may be saving his life in the long run.Try and talk to him and see if you can convince him to attend meetings or enter a drug program/rehab.I wish you luck and I will pray for you and your family and hope that things start to turn around for you.

    Stay Strong,
    Ken
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    Old 02-13-2004, 09:06 PM   #3
    Mart7
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    I want to tell you how sorry I am for what you are going through and that I do understand how difficult it must be to watch how obviously out of control his life is and I think it is apparent that his addiction is very destructive and his life has spun competely out of control. You are smart to distance yourself from him at this point and I really think your main concern needs to be your safety, and that of your daughter and unborn child. Believe me I have been there with addiction (my husband is addicted to prescription pain medication - oxycontin), and goes to any length to get his hands on his drug of choice. I know how challenging and sad it can be to feel like you want to help, but the reality is that only he can take the steps necessary to get help when he hits bottom and wants to overcome his addiction. It doesn't sound like he has hit that point yet, and I am just very concerned that his behavior may be putting you and your daughter in jeopardy. If he is getting beat up and stealing to get his "crack", this could really be putting you in harms way. It is very commendable that you are willing to attend NA meetings with him .. but he really needs to take this step on his own. However, there is support out there for you and your daughter to help with the negative impact the addiction has had on your lives. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. There are so many knowledge people on this board, and I know they will offer you a lot support.
    -MJ

     
    Old 02-14-2004, 09:52 AM   #4
    MamaGirl
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    Well he's the one who brought up the NA meetings. I just thought I'd encourage it by saying that I'd go with him. He seemed surprised and the conversation we had made me believe that he really wanted to better himself. He's been in rehabs before and he used to go to meetings, but the person who used to go with him told him it was stupid and she didn't want to go anymore. She thinks it's just something he has the ability to STOP all of a sudden.


    I don't know. And I guess I kinda posted last night because today's Valentine's Day and we were going to spend it together as a family, but he left here Wednesday night with $100 in his pocket (not from me) and said he'd be right back. He has yet to call or anything. I refuse to go beg him to stop. I've had this lump in the back of my throat for 2 days now that just makes me want to puke and I don't even think I'll be able to answer the door when he finally shows up. (Most of his clothes are thrown into a closet here and he left his wallet and he has my license with him. He needs to come back soon!)

     
    Old 02-14-2004, 02:05 PM   #5
    Banker
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    I can't imagine what you must be going through... My mother was an addict so I can relate to the constant worrying. It will kill you inside if you don't stop. You really need to get involved in alanon or some kind of counseling. Does he work? Who does he live with most of the time? Who else is out there that will 'take care of him' when he runs out of money? I know it sounds harsh but you are going to have to take the tough love approach and just tell him that you absolutely will not/can not tolerate his abuse. Just pray that he will get involved in meetings again and maybe he can prove to you that he really wants to get better and is taking the right steps to do so. My belief is that you cannot beat addiction on your own. I feel like you have to have some kind of help such as AA/NA, counseling, etc. I'm sure you know this but as an addict myself, we have no control over this disease. It runs our lives and we will choose drugs over anything else. I know it sounds sick and I guess it's because addicts ARE sick people. We will go get help when we are ready, and not a second before. Remember, there is nothing you can do to to make him quit. Again, I wish I had something different I could say to make you feel better but I just don't know what to say because you are in such a horrible position. Just pray that God will take care of you all and pray that he will get help, for good this time!

     
    Old 02-14-2004, 03:14 PM   #6
    staceyy
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    Hi my name is Stacey I was crack head for 13 years. my crack addiction turned into a herion addiction aand now I have over five years. Back to the crack there is nothing you won't do for it. I promis you this, you can't help him. The help you give him will give him more excussess to use. get out! I know it is hard to see some one you care about hooked and you want to help but you can't. It has to be him who wants it. And please don't subjuect your daughter to the poson he is on it dosen't matter how old she knows something is up. He hs to get help him self. Honestly some times near death exsperiance don't always work. go to some alanon meetings for your self don't gooo to meetings with him if you happen to be part of the proplem with you there he can't be honest. This my sound brutule to you but this is life and death and there is a child involved. It sounds corney but this is happeneing to all of you for a reason My prayers are will you.
    Goddess bless
    Stacey

     
    Old 02-16-2004, 11:56 AM   #7
    MamaGirl
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    I found out where he was. I had called the crackhouse and when the "owner" answered I heard his laugh in the background. This was on Friday. Saturday he never showed up or called me to say anything, nor his daughter. He called me yesterday and said he was just calling to see if I was still alive. Apparently he took a trip to his hometown, 5 hours away, to see his family. I talk to his Mom all of the time and she knows what he does and then she e-mails me yesterday that she saw him and he looks good, as in doing well. He didn't tell them about the night he almost got killed!


    Last night he wanted to come over to see our daughter and I said he could coem see her but that I had nothing to say to him. He was on the phone with my neighbor, his friend, and someone knocked on the door. He went downstairs to answer it, while on the phone, and he said hi to whoever it was then I heard the phone fall and the come apart on the stairs. I hear him say, "OH ****!!" I thought he or his so-called friend fell down the stairs. Then he comes running upstairs saying let me get my gun. I go to the top of the stairs and look down and this dude just closes my front door and leaves. I went down to lock the door. .....In the end, I figred out the story. The night before at the crackhouse someone gave him some bad crack. He thought it was "D" and found out where he was (a mutual friend had called my house 5 minutes earlier and most likely told him where he was at.) Apparently "D" opened the door and the dude punched him in the face! I friggin flipped out and told him to get out and how dare he bring that business to my house and what if I had answered the door, what if he had a gun, what if he had come up the stairs when he came up to get the supposed gun he doesn't own???? He gets sentenced tomorrow for some charges he got months and months ago. He went to the probation hearing directly from the crackhouse so I'm hoping they drug tested him and make him go to a rehab. I need some time away from him to get him out of my life!

    Last edited by MamaGirl; 02-16-2004 at 11:59 AM.

     
    Old 02-16-2004, 12:54 PM   #8
    dsny
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    Re: What does he REALLY want?

    The best thing that you can do whether he goes to jail or not is to get him out of your life until he has proven he is clean.He is putting you and your daughter at risk and you should not put up with it at all.Concentrate on your daughter and leave him be and if I were you I would not allow him to see his child until he is clean.
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    Last edited by dsnyken; 02-16-2004 at 12:55 PM.

     
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