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    Old 03-26-2004, 08:06 AM   #1
    jdgualazzi
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    My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Hi--my husband and I got into probably our final fight this morning at 6 am and he said he is leaving. At the current time, this is fine with me, I have been miserable (and so has he, I'm sure) for about 4 years. He says I am an alcoholic. I drink maybe once or twice during the week (without him because he doesn't want to--so with my coworkers) and then on the weekends (with him) Every one of our fights stems from drinking somehow.
    I am looking for someone to talk to who is in or has been in my situation--I've suggested us going to counseling and he won't go, so I feel that I need to talk to somebody to see if my claims are valid or if I am the one totally in the wrong. He doesn't know I am doing this, and he shares my email address at home. So please post here, or if you want to email--send to edited by ModWatch - no e-mail addresses please

    I hope to hear from someone soon.

    --Jenni

    Last edited by ModWatch; 03-26-2004 at 04:03 PM.

     
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    Old 03-26-2004, 08:25 AM   #2
    Banker
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    I guess the primary question is do YOU think you are an alcoholic?

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 08:47 AM   #3
    jdgualazzi
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Banker
    I guess the primary question is do YOU think you are an alcoholic?
    Well no, I don't. I just replied to Carrie T's last post and gave my story if you want to check it out. I think 3 years ago I was an alcoholic. My husband and I have been "compromising" for three years and here I am today--I drink maybe twice a week with my co workers (Male--see CarrieT's post for explanation on that) and then on the weekends. But on the weekends it is only if and when he wants to drink and I feel like I don't have any say any more. I have read all the information I can get my hands on on alcoholism--at bookstores, on the web, at the library. I found something on MSN/Encarta search today that lists alcoholism in 3 stages--1 is Social Drinking, 2 is Abuse(? I think), 3 is Dependence--I think, with what it said and the way we fight/interact--I am at Stage 2. I like to drink, but I don't make all my plans around if there is going to be alcohol there. Anyway--thanks for the reply. I don't know if that was a trick question because all "alcoholics" say they're not, right? Please read the CarrieT reply and let me know what you think.
    Appreciate it.
    Jenni

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 09:11 AM   #4
    Banker
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Hey, I did read your story and this is just my opinion. You know how that is... everybody has one.

    Everyone's marriages are different and everyone has different tolerance levels and ethics. What one couple thinks is o.k, the other doesn't.

    I'm just going to say it - I agree with your hubby... I think that going out after work with men co-workers to drink (or not drink) is something that is a big 'no no' in a marriage. However, you could meet another man that would say he wouldn't care if his wife did these things... I think that man would be rare.

    Even though it's innocent and you aren't cheating on him, it just sounds like an opportunity waiting to happen... at least, that's probably what your husband thinks. I used to do the same thing with my first husband, except I would go out w/girls and maybe some guys from work. He didn't mind at first because he didn't want to go (keep in mind, this would NOT be a twice a week thing) it was more of a monthly thing for a while. Anyway, after a while, it became a problem and I couldn't understand it at all.

    Then I put myself in his shoes and thought ' what would I do if he were going to meet women after work and have drinks '. I don't care if they were drinking or just hanging out - to me, it would be out of the question.

    I'm not fussing at you so don't get angry or defensive. I'm just saying that I have been in your shoes (almost... don't entirely) but I realized that a marriage is TWO people who should be spending time with each other. I also think that both of your drinking a lot sounds like a problem. But my final and most important statement is this - I cannot imagine any man who would want their wife to go work in a strip club. So, I guess it goes back to what I said in the beginning, it all depends on what is 'acceptable' in a marriage. How old are you? It sounds as though you aren't ready to 'settle down' and you just want to be 'free' and party whenever you want to. If this is the case, then maybe you should be getting a divorce to save you both pain.

    I'm sorry for being so harsh - I'm just telling you my opinion and trust me... I've done some BAD things because of my addiction so I'm not judging you. If you knew the things I've done because of drugs, you wouldn't believe it. I just think maybe you are unhappy with him and maybe that's why you want to go out all of the time???? I don't know, only you do. In addition, only you know if you drink too much. I wish you luck and please let me know if I can help you in any way.

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 09:23 AM   #5
    jorob
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Hi Jenni,

    I know what you mean and I struggled with the same thing. It truly is up to you to determine if you are an alcoholic.

    I am an alcoholic. I finally came to determine that when I stopped drinking and had some withdrawals, still had a strong desire to drink, and realized that although I thought I was drinking so much because I loved the "taste" , it when I quite I missed the high. I didn't drink and drive and I didn't drink at work, so I figured I was not an alcoholic right? Wrong, I came home at night, every night, and drank until I couldn't stay awake and crawled up to bed. After attending AA meetings I realized that "normal" people are alcoholics and that the term covers a variety of people.

    But more to the point, whether you are or are not an alcoholic, you have identified that alcohol is causing a problem in your marriage and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes people get caught up in labels and putting themselves in a specific box and it's just a way to avoid what the real issues are. It's too bad your husband won't go to counseling - I would suggest you go yourself because even if it doesn't help your marriage it will help you.

    -Kathi

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 09:58 AM   #6
    jdgualazzi
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Hi Banker--I just wrote a big long reply and it didn't get sent. Don't worry aboput me getting mad--I am at a point now where any outside, objective opinion is an asset. Let me give you a littl emore insight into my so called life I am 28- so not too old, not too young. During high school--all of my close friends moved to other states. So really, I have not had too many friends. And really, that's all I think I want. I love being with my husband and would have no problem with being with him all time tiem, but I also want friends. I'll be honest--I always see or hear about people going to friends' houses for dinner, going out to movies or games with friends, and I am jealous. I want that too. In my industry, I only really communicate with guys--so they're really my only option for friends. If I worked with girls, I am sure I would have some girlfriends, I don't know. Also to note--Mark (my coworker) and Dean (husband) have met each other several times. The three of us have eaten together (mark is married but stays at home most times), all of our families have eaten together, we've hung out at work together (the three of us) etc. So though it is a "guy" per se, it's not some stranger I hide from Dean.
    The reason I put "compromise" in quotes is because every time Dean makes a rule, I try to follow it, but when the time comes about--he changes the rule to suit his new needs. So I am always confused and I guess it's caused me to rebel and do what I want (read--going out once a week with Mark and the rest of the clan) and then I lie about it fully knowing I won't succeed with the lie. Dean has said to invite him when something comes up and when I invite him--he says he doesn't want to go or he is too busy or it's too late (late meaning 4 pm) and then he gets mad at me anyway. He has said we would go out together once a week--never happened. He has said that we can do whatever on the weekends--nope--it always revolves around what he feels and wants to do at the time.
    This notion makes me feel like I am a teenage girl under her father's micromanaging rule or a prisoner and Dean's the warden. I feel like my feelings are always wrong (because he says they are) and that I have no say in this relationship.
    I can say that I like to drink because when I am sober, I am very quiet, shy, and inhibited. I am always worrying about what people think, if I am saying the wrong thing, etc. Everyone knows that alcohol masks that and makes someone more "outgoing". I tell jokes and laugh and have fun. When I am sober--I am shy and paranoid about hurting/upsetting people and I get annoyed by the dumb things other people do. How do I change that? I can't just wake up tomorrow and not be shy.
    I will always write long letters--I've always been a writer (part of that shyness thing) I don't talk much and don't like confrontation =)
    Any opinions would help
    Thank you!
    Jenni

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 10:42 AM   #7
    Katyana
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Having grown up around alcoholic Uncles and Cousins, and having lived in a house with an alcoholic step father and Sister-in-Law, I can say that from what you describe here and in that other thread, you do have an alcohol addiction.

    You are demonstrating all the classic signs. You are lying to your husband so you can go out and feed your habit. You use alcohol as an excuse to be more outspoken and less shy. You say you can't say "no" and feel like you don't have a choice. You say that 3 years ago you feel you were an alcoholic, but not now.

    I have news for you. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. There is no middle ground. You either drink, or you don't drink. An alcoholic can't go from being alcoholic to being a social drinker. They have to abstain.

    You say you don't drink everyday. You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. People can binge drink on weekends, and do exactly what you do. My former sister-in-law (yes my brother divorced her because of her boozing), held down a job as a nurse, and binged on her days off. She's now paying the price. She's desperately sick. She has liver troubles, and a multitude of other health problems that the doctors attribute to her drinking. She's quit now, but it's kind of too late to undo all that was done to her family and her body.

    If your marriage and family and liver and life, mean anything to you at all, you will stop making excuses and admit to yourself that you have a problem and start the 12 step program through AA.

    Last edited by moderator2; 03-26-2004 at 04:09 PM. Reason: Please do not quote posts that violate the Policies and Guidelines. Please read and know them yourself. Click on FAQ at the top left of the page. Thank you!

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 11:44 AM   #8
    Banker
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    I can relate to what you are saying... With my first marriage, I got married too young and my husband never wanted to do ANYTHING! I wanted to go out and drink and play pool... just have fun. He never wanted to so I went out with my friends. I just wasn't ready to be married or grown up. I still wanted to have fun. I also was somewhat quiet and had no self esteem and obviously, drinking changed that in me.

    Have you thought about counseling? You need to work on getting self esteem back... if that's what you are using drinking for. You also need to quit drinking and get into AA. I can relate to what you are saying as I've been there before but seriously... you need to make a change or you are going to lose your marriage.

     
    Old 03-26-2004, 01:52 PM   #9
    bluejulie5
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Once or twice during the week does not seem like alot to me, but that does not mean that you don't have a problem.
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    Old 03-26-2004, 02:46 PM   #10
    rlcowboy
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    I dont mean to sound harsh either but if my wife went out drinking anywhere on a regular basis durring the week instead of being at home and eating supper together and stuff like that, well I would have to tell her to make a choice. I mean can you really blame him. Again, not to be harsh but it does sound like you are letting drinking cost you your mariage. Going out drinking all the time is not the way you stay married to ANYONE!!
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    Old 03-26-2004, 03:26 PM   #11
    jdgualazzi
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Hi everybody--sorry about the email--i realized after i posted. it won't happen again.

    -jenni

    Last edited by moderator2; 03-26-2004 at 04:14 PM. Reason: Please carefully read, know and follow the Healthboards.com Policies and Guidelines. Click on FAQ at the top left of this page. Thank you!

     
    Old 03-28-2004, 01:52 PM   #12
    lindylou58
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Katyana
    Having grown up around alcoholic Uncles and Cousins, and having lived in a house with an alcoholic step father and Sister-in-Law, I can say that from what you describe here and in that other thread, you do have an alcohol addiction.

    You are demonstrating all the classic signs. You are lying to your husband so you can go out and feed your habit. You use alcohol as an excuse to be more outspoken and less shy. You say you can't say "no" and feel like you don't have a choice. You say that 3 years ago you feel you were an alcoholic, but not now.

    I have news for you. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. There is no middle ground. You either drink, or you don't drink. An alcoholic can't go from being alcoholic to being a social drinker. They have to abstain.

    You say you don't drink everyday. You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. People can binge drink on weekends, and do exactly what you do. My former sister-in-law (yes my brother divorced her because of her boozing), held down a job as a nurse, and binged on her days off. She's now paying the price. She's desperately sick. She has liver troubles, and a multitude of other health problems that the doctors attribute to her drinking. She's quit now, but it's kind of too late to undo all that was done to her family and her body.

    If your marriage and family and liver and life, mean anything to you at all, you will stop making excuses and admit to yourself that you have a problem and start the 12 step program through AA.
    I agree 100% with the above...Once we have admitted to ourselves that we are an alcoholic, that is the first step...we will ALWAYS be alcoholic, but we can call ourselves "recovering"..never "recovered"...never..

    I have had my secret bouts of hiding drinking for over the past 15 or so years, with good periods of sobriety in between as well...I am now sober for about a month and a half..just realized that my body is just not as young as it used to be..cannot tolerate anything with alcohol in it...

    I wish you luck, peace of mind in your seeking your sobriety....

    God bless...

    Lindylou

     
    Old 03-28-2004, 02:34 PM   #13
    MaryMag
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rlcowboy
    I dont mean to sound harsh either but if my wife went out drinking anywhere on a regular basis durring the week instead of being at home and eating supper together and stuff like that, well I would have to tell her to make a choice. I mean can you really blame him. Again, not to be harsh but it does sound like you are letting drinking cost you your mariage. Going out drinking all the time is not the way you stay married to ANYONE!!
    Hi there I agree with Cowboy...the drinking is causing discourse in your marriage, if want to keep together what GOD put together ( I am divorced and know the pain of that process, not fun ) then get into AA and talk to some people who may be able shed some light on your questions. Eventually maybe your husband could go to a meeting with you, or to AlANON, if he doesn't want couseling, I agree with the other post, get it for yourself, but talk to him...COMMUNICATION>>>>>> can be key. Ask him if he wants the marriage, Do you want the marriage? Try to remember WHY you married in the first place. Do you have children? Do want any? My opinion is yes you do have an alcohol problem and will GROW Bigger and Bigger than YOU are, it can take over your entire life and destroy not just your marriage but eventually everything, hang in there and let us know what YOU think, MM

     
    Old 03-29-2004, 06:58 AM   #14
    lane7eir
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    Re: My husband says I'm an alcoholic

    hi,
    we are trying to rebuild our marriage after years of alcohol and drug abuse. it is work! we do not have the best communications skills. counseling has helped me.
    i am an alcoholic. used to try to fool myself into thinking i wasn't. didn't lose my job, house, child, car, no DUIs, quit drinking with no prob when i was pregnant. got sober for a while, convinced myself i was "cured". tried drinking again. HORRIBLE!!!!! i totally agree with what others have posted-if you are an alcoholic you have to learn to accept that you will never be cured. god, what i would do to be able to drink like my coworkers (just a couple and stop). i just am not that way. i can tell myself a couple of glasses will be okay and then i'll stop. what happens is after that, i do stop (at the bar). but i will stop at the store to re-up and go home and drink until i pass out. I can't tell you whether you are or not, but i do see my patterns in your story. only you know deep down.
    today, i am active in aa. go to meetings almost every day (i feel weird if i miss one), call my sponsor who has become one of my closest friends, pray, and for the most part i feel pretty good. i have a little over 6 months sober which has taken me over 2 years to put together. i am not financially well off, but my bills get paid. i have my self respect back and the respect of my family and peers. i have new friends who genuinely care and are not concerned with getting something in return from me. my hubby & i, as i mentioned, are working really hard at learning to be sober together. see, we drank and used our entire relationship. some days are good, some days are crappy. but as long as i don't drink for today, i have a good chance of making that crappy day bearable.

     
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