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  • Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

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    Old 06-03-2004, 06:54 AM   #1
    daria74
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    Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    I have some concerns about my boyfriend. He has been on and off of differnt substances since he was 18 (he's almost 30 now). He would have stretches of time (a few months) where he'd be totally clean & then would start a heroin/ coke habit or drinking binge for several months, take "time off", binge again, etc...anyway, last Jan he finally joined a program for the 1st time (after a "booze year" - he'd quit narcotics for good the previous winter). For the first few months he was on the so-called "pink cloud" -bursting with more emotion and more present than I had ever seen him. We were temporarily broken up at the time (I was preparing to call it off for good) but seeing this new side to him I was so excited I fell back in love and decided to give it another chance.
    Well, he is still in the program (AA) and hasn't touched a drop since, but some things seem to be reverting in the past few months. The first few months (from about Jan to March) he keep going on about how he excited he was to finally know what real, substantial friendships were, to make amends with family members, to be in the moment as much as possible, try to be completely honest & not 'escape' his feelings (he's a musican who in the past would get completely obsessed with the band - be in a workaholic mode and emotionaly distant from friends/family). In the beginning he made so much progress it was amazing - he genuinely seemed to be putting %100 of his energy into becoming a better person. But now he seems to be running out of steam. He is keeping his friends at arm's length again, telling people what he thinks they want to hear instead of the truth, spacing out a lot and totally submerging himself in his work again. He is still trying to work the steps but is now saying he doesnt even know if he can get past step one (he says he is not sure if he is really "powerless" over alc). He just seems to be "faking" so much, not even sure himself what he is feeling half the time. While I am not really worried about him quitting the program (he still seems devoted to it - just officially joined the neighborhood group), I am worried about this steady decline in enthusiasm and emotional progress. I NEED am emotionally present boyfriend. And while he puts much more effort into communicating well with me than before, it is hard to watch him hurt & frustrate friends/family (who dont get as much effort from him - almost none now) with his on-again/off again lucidity - he is contradicting himself alot and going from admitting fault one minute and blaming everyone but himself the next. It is getting discouraging. And yes, I am in Al-anon and it is really helpfull - TOO helpfull in ways, haha, as it is making me re-think my relationship and if I can be with someone who is still so emotionally immature...but I love him so much and am not nearly ready to break up.
    Any thoughts? Is this a common "phase" of AA?

    Last edited by daria74; 06-03-2004 at 06:56 AM.

     
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    Old 06-03-2004, 11:40 AM   #2
    Twist Of Fate!
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    well, your boyfriends sounds uncomfortably like myself, Although heroin (or any opiate) is my main squeeze, I also combine them with crack & alcohol. And also being a musician I understand your "pink cloud" theory I also jump around a lot too, i'd go months, even as short as weeks until I progress to a point from just plain perscription pain killers to heroin & cocaine. I'd do my detox and drink for a period of time and clean up totaly and feel like the world is mine just to repeat the cycle.

    From my stand point, I feel im a perfectionist (like my mother) who is very productive or wants to be, im over educated and underminded trapt in that body that likes to "hide" from imperfection (like every alcoholic/addict male in my family.

    You're boyfriend is emotionally present, actually OVER emotional, that's why we tent to turn to what ever make's us feel no emotion at all. And I sure as hell dont show it all the time if at all, that makes people think I dont give a *****. But I assure you it keeps me up every night and sure enough im at 7-11 in a split second buying that 18 pack to dull those emotions so you're back on that rollercoaster. If you love him, stick with him, It's not like there isnt any hope, He's clean, He's going to be up and down all his life, just try to catch it when he's down. That's not emotionally immature, that's life. Ive been dumped so many times because of my "pink cloud / grey cloud" spouts, so that just drives me back to using. I take it you dont want that...

    Im clean these days but im staying away a lot, I have no choice but to keep away from the local venues because where there's music theres drugs and booze and this is vegas . 100 tabs with a 1,000 words but no one to hear them. Im sure you dont want it to turn out like that either.

    CADE

    Last edited by Twist Of Fate!; 06-03-2004 at 11:42 AM.

     
    Old 06-03-2004, 11:53 AM   #3
    mernee
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    I have just posted on your other post however, I wanted to say that addiction is a disease of behaviour.He is in what is call mental relapse it
    is when we start exhibiting behaviours we had when we were using. It is usally someone else that sees it before us. Once someone has gone into mental relapse unless, thier are ready to get really serious about being open, honest and willing to get into some treatment, or back to his program, he will relapse. Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do, but sit back and watch the show.

     
    Old 06-03-2004, 01:20 PM   #4
    Twist Of Fate!
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    Mental relapse isn't always accuring with drug use but in that case of addiction, It's more like what triggers sub-abuse relapse, Bitterness, anger, rage, depression, one might blame god or their addicted parent for sending down that P3 chromosome This is usually a crucial point where people tend to relapse on their addictions. In this case, you can learn how to control it with things that make you calm, I keep a jounal, write poems, and by the time im done I usually feel much better.

    CADE

     
    Old 06-04-2004, 06:48 AM   #5
    daria74
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    Thanks for the support everyone!
    Anyways, my real fear isnt so much that he will relapse - it is that I will never have a more mature relationship with this person - that maybe it is just his personaility and even sober he will never improve his social skills, learn to enjoy people more, show genuine interest in others rather than obsessing about himself, stop projecting his insecurites onto others, stop being so defenisive & critical, etc etc etc...
    That is my big, gnawing fear, that I am waiting for something that will never happen. I cant believe that needing more communication from this person is a 'co-dependant' trait - it seems a normal need for a mature adult in a serious relationship! Is my co-dependance in the fact that I am STAYING with him? That is a scary thought, that the more I learn through ALAn will just push us further apart...

     
    Old 06-04-2004, 09:14 AM   #6
    mernee
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    I don't think wanting a normal, mature relationship with someone you love, whether he be an addict or not, is co dependency. I don't know how long he has been clean but, they say we emotionally stop growing when we become addicted, so for me I was stuck at 17 for a little while. The problem I had when I became clean is I thought that was all that was wrong with me. I believed that if I could stop using I would be this wonderful person. Not true. I found that I had a lot of work to do before I became "normal". When we are in addiction we become self absorbed, self centered and selfish, and are full of self pity. It takes some work to start to change those behaviours, for me, I found that I didn't start growing for about a year after I got clean. I actually had been in a 7 year relationship that I decided to put on hold for a year because I found that I was so sick, I was unable to emotionally connect with any one. I took the year and now we are happily together.

     
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    Old 06-07-2004, 07:02 AM   #7
    daria74
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    "When we are in addiction we become self absorbed, self centered and selfish, and are full of self pity. It takes some work to start to change those behaviours..."

    Thanks for your reply! One question, tho, how did you go about changing these behaviors? Did people have to constantly point them out to you? How does someone so immerced in self-centerdness (esp later in life when personality traits seem so intrenched) teach themselves to break out of it?

     
    Old 06-07-2004, 08:17 AM   #8
    mernee
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    Re: Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")

    Putting down the drugs for me was easy. I was at the point in my life that I really wanted to stop; changing my behaviours was the hardest thing I have ever done. When I started in recovery I was 42. I am a woman, so, I think I thought being a brat was acceptable. I am also a RN, so I thought I should know everything. I knew nothing. For me,NA really helped. I found that there is a process to recovery. The first 6 months I loved it, then I started to hate it. I stopped going to meetings, I stopped doing step work, that lasted about 2 months then I started realizing how messed up I was. I have talked to many people in recovery and they say that they went through the same feelings. I went back to NA, and even though I work in recovery and have been clean for some time I still go to meetings. I think for every addict it is a personal journey and just try and take care of yourself too as you help him heal. I think if you remain strong , if he is not clouded by drugs he will learn that there is a better way. I have to say this though, I know that some will say that you should leave him, that we as addicts need to hit bottom, I think somewhere deep down I believe that, I also believe that every addict needs a cheerleader, someone that believes in them as we do not believe in ourselves. The only problem is not enabling them out of love. My boyfriend never left, he wouldn't give me money and he certainly didn't baby me, in fact, he pointed out all of my faults, not with criticism but with concern. I did leave him for a time to work on my recovery but, we are together now and life is great. If your boyfriend is not using, he will figure out that his behaviours are not acceptable. It takes awhile for us to change as that is the real healing process,putting the drugs down is only the beginning. I thnk another thing that helped me was finding a spiritual believe system that worked for me and living Step Three totally. I find giving my my will and my live to my God changed me forever.

     
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