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  • wife is addicted, dont know what to do

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    Old 08-12-2004, 07:43 AM   #1
    frustratedhubby
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    wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    not sure where to start, I'll try to just hit the highlights. Over that past 4 yrs. my wife (I'll call her Jane) has had 12 different surgeries for everything from hemeroid to hysteroctomy to cervical diskectomies. She has taken alot of pain meds. Jame told me 10 mo. ago that she was addicted to Vicodin, as much as 30/day but refused to tell me where/how/exactly all details. We went to our Dr. and tapered off with me holding here accountable. At least she said she was off of them. Well, she had another surgery since then, back in hospital and more pills. She said she was 'fine' and was taking Ultram to help with lingering affects. She lost alot of weight 40 lbs. seemed very happy, was dealing very well with our 4 kids (one has a life threatening dissorder) she seemed 'normal'. Then 4-5 weeks ago she complained of chest pains. Drove like a madman home, went to ER, told all was fine. She took more Ultram. (BTW she has been taken Ambien for a couple of months) then 4 days after ER visit, she had a grand mal seizure in the kitchen right in front of me. (she was about to drive our son to scouts) (also, she has taken so many other types of pain meds lortab, percaset, I cant keep up with them. Anyway, she admited she was addicted again. She refuses to go to detox, (small community, and shd doesnt want people to know, and I'm stressed at work with all the time off due to her and our sons medical issues) So, she went to her OBGYN and got 30 hydro on tues. this morning she has 4 left with one refill.
    She also said, according to her OB, she is starting to go through menapause at age 36. This is ,according to her, the cause of her wild mood swings....I should say violent. She goes off like a bomb for no reason and then an hour later shes much better. We walk on egg shells all the time.
    Is the mood swing due to withdrawl? menapause? I dont know. At night just before bed she usually is fine, I assume this is timed with meds she takes before bed. She then gets wierd, very happy, and just want to have sex (not that I'm complaining about that part) but that can be an hour or two after her telling me what a mean ******* I am and how I cant do anything right. Even I cant change channels that quick.
    I've been through alot with her, my high school sweetheart, wife of 15 yrs. and mother of my 4 children. I'm worried this is going to end all that. I'm even considering going to talk to a divorce lawyer to find out what worse case scenerio might be.
    She seems more withdrawn everyday, wont open her Bible (she used to teach Bible studies)
    I dont know what to do. I'll take legal action, have her commited. Duct tape her to the bed....whatever. She isnt making rational decisions, as much as I loath the blowups, I'll do whatever it takes.
    Any advise would be appreciated.

     
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    Old 08-12-2004, 08:55 AM   #2
    Christin
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    Yep, she is an opiate addict. I don't know about "having her committed", but maybe you could talk her into rehab? Most are 30 day programs, I know you have 4 kids and guess she stays home with them, but if there is anything you could do to get through 30 days without her, I highly recommend it. She will probably balk at the idea, probably noone else knows about the pills and she is certain that she can't go through the embarassment. I've been there...and it took my husband using some really tough love to get me to rehab and I am so thankful that he did. He told me straight out that he was going to take our son and leave, and also do whatever he could with the authorities to get me punished for the illegal activities I had done in order to obtain the pills. I don't know if he would have ever done any of that, but it sure scared me enough let him admit me into rehab.

    Whatever you decide to do...just know that she is not doing this because of you, and her addiction is not your fault, or hers really. She is sick and needs help, and the mood swings and the things she says and does to you are not HER, they are the pills and/or the withdrawals from them. I'll bet she is beating herself up more than you ever could, and she is terrified. I know it is hard to remember your love when she is being insane, but try to think of her as a sick person instead of a mean person...she needs love and support and help as much as you can. Read some more posts on this board and you will get a picture of how big of a problem this is...and it isn't just junky kids...it is doctors and lawyers and bankers and soccer moms. It doesn't discriminate!

    Please stay strong, I will keep your family in my prayers

     
    Old 08-12-2004, 09:06 AM   #3
    windysan
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    Inpatient rehab for her....al-anon for you. Good luck. She's addicted.

     
    Old 08-13-2004, 05:02 AM   #4
    goddessgrl65
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    Frustrated-
    I can tell you really care about your wife-and that your really concerned..I gotta tell you-the others are right-shes addicted to pain meds-but according to her history-(all the health issues-its no wonder.
    What she needs is inpatient detox.I would get her to her dr. and come clean-you could arrange for her to go-(at least one week-minimum)out of town-im sure you dr. would know-you'd be surprised how many folks are addicted to these pills-and please..try to be gentle..
    If shes going thru menapause-its no joke-im going thru it myself right now-but i got a feeling the pills exacerbate that problem-opiates-made me insane/paranoid/anxious..
    So-first step-DR. office-next-detox-afterwards-therapy/counceling-AA/NA-aftercare is extremely important..
    You mentioned you have a child-w/ health problems-Your wife probably found the pills to ease the pressures of raising a family-esp. w/ her own/childs ill health-im not defending-its just that the way opiates ease pain(mental/physical) makes them so alluring-
    I would do some research on the web about opiate addiction-or hit an Al-anon-meeting you will find you are not alone-
    Browse these boards-you'll find many moms(myself included)that found themselves addicted to opiates-and the good news is-there is hope to recover and get well.
    Hope this helps-
    GGrl65

     
    Old 08-14-2004, 01:54 PM   #5
    frustratedhubby
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    Christen, et all
    thank you for your replies. According to her (honor system) she is only taking 8-10 hydros per day at this point. She has accknowledged that her habbit of ripping the lablels off the med botles is a habbit and she does at least recognize it. I am tracking as best I can how much she is taking. I'm not so nieve (sp. ?) that I dont know there is a possibility that she is getting/taking more w/out my knowledge but I have to trust her on some level....right? (let me know if I'm wrong) My problem is due to the past history, I dont trust or always believe her. I dont know what it will take for me to get over this....I pray everyday for guidence. I also have skeletons in my closet. I'm drinking 2-4 shots of rum per night to deal with this..it dont get drunk, I just care less....not good I know, but I'm jutst not strong enough do do it without a cruch. at this point I'm going to wait until the end of this month, (Aug) if she isnt over this, I"m going to go to the Dr. and demand inpatient detox.......why am I not confident she will be clean? anyway, thanks for the advise, I"m going to sit on it for a few more weeks. Then I'll confront her is its necessary. She has such a strong personality and is so controlling, I'm afraid it will end our marriage.....but I have to protect our children as best I can...and leave it in God's hands. I'll let ya'll know what happens. Oh one more question....if I confront her, what about getting her sister or other family members to do an 'intervention'? It would help me, would it be best in the long run though? Sorry for the questions, I'm just feeling very alone these days.

     
    Old 08-15-2004, 02:40 AM   #6
    lovey1
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    Your story sounds so much like mine, it's almost scary! Only you would have been my husband and I would be your wife. I can tell you what I wish my husband would have done when I was in your wife's horrible shoes. Like you, my husband was beside himself and would have done anything to help me. He was incredibly afraid of losing me and of our 3 children losing their mother. We have been married 10 years and together for 17 (we were also high school sweethearts) and also have been through a lot of stuff in our lives together as well. I was addicted to hydrocodone (Lortab, Vicodin, and such), just like your wife is, for 2 years and was acting exactly like your wife is now. I was withdrawn, incredibly moody, deceitful, and sometimes very, very agitated and angry. I could be totally "normal" one minute and the next minute I would be going completely balistic! Keep in mind, during this whole period, I also thought I was acting perfectly normal. In my mind, nothing was wrong! I was able to justify my actions by telling myself I deserved to take these pills! After all, I truly did have legitmate pain! At the same time, I was going to about 3 different doctors (none of them knew about the other), many different pharmacies, sometimes I used my insurance and sometimes I paid out of pocket, and I was ordering pills on line. Bottom line is, pills became my entire existence. I stopped caring for my children and my husband the way I should have and started spending every waking minute planning how I was going to get my next stash of pills. It consumed my mind so much that I did only what had to be done around the house and to the kids so that I could run from doctor to doctor, hoping I wouldn't be caught.
    I would bet my life that your wife is the same way. She is not menopausal, she is an addict and will continue to abuse these drugs until she decides to get serious help. I'm guessing that your wife has tried to stop on her own many, many times and cannot do it. She will more than likely need re-hab. This is a place where she can focus completely on herself for several weeks and get better. This will require complete selfishness on her part. This is where you will need to be her biggest support system. My husband simply didn't know how to be supportive. He had no idea what I needed from him and I was in no shape to tell him.
    What I can tell you from her point of view is that she will need for you to completely take over the household duties, caring for the children, grocery shopping, etc. and letting her completely focus on getting and staying clean. You will probably feel very bitter because everyone will be focused on your wife's recovery while you work your tail off trying to make up for her absence. She has to know that you are behind her 110% and that you will do whatever it takes to help her.
    Please, please gently talk to your wife and tell her that you think she needs to go to a rehabilitation hospital and get help. Explain to her that you will take care of all the duties while she's away so that she won't have that excuse not to go. Be there for her when she's crying and sad because she will need you now more than ever. Most of all, do not judge her or make her feel guilty (my husband is the master of this!) for being selfish right now.
    This is very very serious!! Judging from what you posted, your wife is in the throws of the addiction cycle and it will continue to get worse. She is at risk of losing everything she holds dear if she doesn't get help. Tell her about this website if you must, but she has to be convinced that she needs outside help. I know I did!
    I will be praying for you and your family and best of luck to you!

    Mary Beth

     
    Old 08-15-2004, 03:14 AM   #7
    Christin
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    An intervention could be really helpful in getting her to see how her addiction has affected the whole family. And also, it is just plain harder to argue with a group of loved ones than it is to argue just with you. Not that she still won't get angry and dismissive and even hostile, because she very well might. But her reaction is drug based...you have to try not to focus on that and remember that you are going to do what is in hers, and your family's, best interest. If she gets clean, she will thank you for your toughness. And if she doesn't get clean, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!

    Also, regarding the trust issue...I don't think that I am alone in saying that while an addict is using and not trying to detox, they can't be trusted to tell anyone, even THEMSELVES, the truth about how much they are taking. This is NOT because they are dishonest people, lacking in moral fortitude or whatever. It is the disease...the chemicals in her head are so screwed up right now that her body and mind are telling her that she has to have these pills to survive. And she will say and do things that are completely out of character, dishonest, and perhaps even illegal, to protect her ability to consume the chemicals that she believes she cannot function without. This is addiction. As much as addicts will lie to everyone in our lives, we lie also to ourselves. The rationalizing, justifying, manipulating everything and everyone sometimes without even realizing how completely this chemical has taken control of our lives.

    Loving her right now means that you are going to have to risk being hurt yourself, and risk the possibility that she will storm out of your life, for the sake of trying to save hers. Loving her means that you are making her health, and her life, and the lives of your children, more important than your own fears of the unknown.

    Your story has really touched me...helped me to remember what my husband was going through up until 6 months ago and how much I owe him for saving my life. He has more skeletons in his own closet than most people, and I tried so desperately to exploit every single one of them in an effort to get him "off my back". I thank God that he had the bravery and strength to put his own fears aside and was able to recognize that if he didn't find some way to get me help, I was going to die.

    Anyway, sorry for the ramble...couldn't sleep tonight and have really been thinking about your family's situation. So, I definitely think you should look into an intervention...I don't even know who you can call about how to do one...perhaps your family doctor can refer you to a therapist or physcologist (sp?). Maybe try contacting a drug treatment center and asking them how to go about setting up an intervention.

    Keep us posted on your situation, and stay strong!!!

     
    Old 08-15-2004, 05:14 AM   #8
    RebeccaW62
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    Re: wife is addicted, dont know what to do

    I too am addicted to pain pills. You wife : it sounds like you are describing me as we all seem to do the same things. We addicts think we are being so smart and sly. The truth always comes out.

    Look in your city and see who prescribes Suboxone. It is a new drug that eliminates detox but blocks the high from the brain. Her body will think she has the medication, but the receptors in the brain won't allow a high. It is like insurance for me. I take one in the morning, the very first thing, and then even if I found a bucket load of pain pills, there would be no sense in taking them as I won't get the high, the buz, that we want from them.

    The Suboxone lasts up to three days in the brain so she would have to get pills, and wait three days to take them. By that time, she won't want them as much. She'll basically have to detox for three days just so she can take a pain pill. The Suboxone has been my life saver as it has allowed me to conintue working, raising family, and function in society where no body knows. Trust me people know. We think we hide it, buy people already know from her behavior. They are usually more relieved when they here you are in rehab than shocked by it.

    Suboxone is not addictive and not methadone. A doctor has to be especially trained in it before she can prescribe it. She/he even has to have a special license for it. Even if your insurance doesn't cover the doctor who prescribes it, pay for it. It is worth it. She is spending more on pills than what the doctor bills will cost. And it has to cost less than a divorce.

    A divorce won't stop her either. It didn't me. I thought it would. It did for a while, but once I stated going again and there was so one there to be accountable to, it got right back to where it was when my husband left. Only, I didn't have his nagging which made it pleasurable for me.

    Look up suboxone on the internet. Have your wife read it too. This is certainly the easiest way to transition off the pain meds forever. Detox is the pits-been there three times. This new miracle drug, suboxone, keeps the physical and mental cravings at an all time low. Try it. You have nothing to lose but an addiction.

     
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