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  • Please help - how do I help my new husband?

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    Old 01-26-2005, 07:09 AM   #1
    darla66
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    Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Hi -

    I recently married the man I have spent a lifetime searching for. We have been married just 2 months. We were together 4 years before being married and are in our late 30s. We did not live together first and typically only saw each other on weekends.

    When we began our courtship he told me and anyone who would ask that he did not drink. When asked why he said I just don't. He would tell me how angry it made him for others to say "ohhh okayyyy good for you!" like he was an alcoholic. He would explain he was not - but people still figured since he did not drink that he was.

    He claims growing up both his parents were alcoholics. His father has been dead for about 8 years so I don't know about him but his mom does appear to have a drinking problem. He says she will call him when she is loaded and he gets VERY angry. When I see her she often has the shakes and she looks far older then her actual age. He tells me about growing up with them. They did not begin drinking until they were in their late 30's or early 40s. He was physically and emotionally abused. His older siblings escaped most of that. He stayed home and played referee and punching bag as a young teenager and then as a young adult.
    (Can you imagine how much RAGE I feel for a man I never even knew as well as my current mother in law?)

    Which leads me to my next topic - the fact that I have no one to turn to about what I now believe is a serious drinking problem my new husband has - and probably always has had. He has had a very hard time dealing with his father's death. Shortly thereafter my husband was hospitalized for a serious case of hemorrhaging. From what he says he almost died and he needed blood transfusions. He began vomiting blood and was taken to the hospital. He refers to it as his "throat exploding". He claims he had an ulcer (due to stress) that pushed its way to the base of his esophagus and exploded. However if you read on certain conditions such as this, especially one that is life threatening, it is most commonly due to HEAVY drinking. In discussing this with doctors I am told that is what this most likely was - and that it was not an ulcer. However when I have addressed this with my husband in the past he gets VERY angry about it and says it was an ulcer.

    Regardless- I can't believe I did not know about this problem throughout the years we dated - though then again maybe I just was in denial. We went on several vacations together - our first was back in 2002 - he barely drank a drop and showed NO signs of being drunk at all. (I lived with an alcohol and drug abuser so I know what to look for.)

    When I would drink wine he rarely had any and if anything would have a non-alcoholic beer. When offered anything socially he always declined and drank diet soda. The only indication I had that there might be problem was on weekends sometimes his breath smelled like the 'day after' a heavy drinking night. It was sort of medicinal - I would repeatedly tell myself it was his mouthwash. I ignored the bloodshot eyes attributing it to a cold or allergies - but now that we live under the same roof I questions all the bottles of Visine scattered throughout our home.

    When I go to our local BuyWise and he has been with me – he finds an excuse not to go in. I figured I was imaging things but now I wonder if he does not want to go in with me because they will recognize him? He also never wanted to go to certain bars when we began dating – and NEVER drank with me. Maybe because I drink (moderately) – it has made him start again? Am I an enabler?

    So what I am getting to is our wedding day, wedding night and honeymoon - seemed to be one huge fight after another ALL occurring when he began drinking. He drank more beer, champagne and alcohol on our honeymon then I have ever seen before. And what is most upsetting is the enormous CHANGE in his personality. He makes weird faces, squints, gets VERY emotional, starts fights and overreacts to things I have said - and worst of all says very hurtful things to me. He even told me if I was not a relative he would throw me off the balcony of our hotel room during one exchange. When I bring it up he says he was really kidding and did not mean it - but it is something he would say again, in jest.

    Once home from our honeymoon - we returned to work and on any given WEEKNIGHT we will be home and all of a sudden a change will come over him. He will turn into the person I describe above - totally NOT himself. I don't know WHERE he is getting the alcohol from and when I confront him while he is in a mood he denies, denies, denies. He doesn't so much get angry just says "nope, what are you talking about, YOU are the one with the drinking problem!"

    I try to tell him one glass of wine is different than 4, 5, 6 beers - but he argues that point. And again- - I often do not SEE him indulging! We have a dog, and he will take him out a lot. And he also has a lot of his belongings down in our basement so he is up and down the stairs often. I have tried to watch him but it is next to impossible. I have found one bottle of rum in a cupboard down there - but so far do not see it going down in volume. He must have the alcohol somewhere else.

    Last night was the clincher. He comes home from work and I swear he has already begun drinking - somewhere. I had a half a glass of red wine - we began talking about our home etc and it turned into an argument - too long to explain. I went into another room to watch TV - and he got on his computer to 'work'. He took the dog out later on for a 10 minute walk. I went to bed at 10:00. I woke up at 1:00am to go to the bathroom and he was still on the computer. I went back into bed and heard a noise. I went out into the kitchen and he had gone outside - no coat on - I walked away and came back in when he came back in and he was sitting on the couch. I asked him what he was doing at 1:00am in the morning and he said in lovely slurred speech with that blank outerspace stare "I am watching TV!" - I walked over to him and said WHAT? and got real close - and he said watching TV. I said you STINK - you WREAK of alcohol. He said "yeah right - YOU do!" I said "No hon, I have been in bed for the past 3 hours sleeping, YOU have been drinking" and he just sits there. I then said "would have been nice if you told me you had a drinking problem before we got married" and I went to bed.

    I got up at about 3:00am to find him passed out, sitting up, on the couch. I took our dog out (he is dying of cancer and has to potty often) and came back in and he woke up - still drunk. "Hiiiii buddy" to the dog. I went back to sleep and was up again at 5:00am to find him in same position on sofa. Took dog out again - came in, and he went to another room to sleep.

    We got up today and I said nothing to him. He seems to function FINE! I suppose this is my biggest indicator. If I was that drunk I would not be able to get out of bed for days. He is always fine.

    I do not know what to do - I have no one to turn to. His family and friends will NOT be helpful - I know this already. I wish I could call his family doctor who helped him when his throat exploded but he is bound by patient privacy right? Even if I am his wife, the doctor can't discuss him right? We were married by the Minister of my church but I honestly don’t know if he can help us or not.

    I guess the MAIN issue is if my husband will let ANYONE help us! I am afraid to confront him but know that I can’t live like this. I don’t know how to go about getting him help. I know it needs to be discussed when he is sober. I have already said a few times that his behavior is not right – trying not to accuse him of anything but also have gone so far as to say he can’t drink the way he is drinking and act this way – and that we need to discuss it, but it never solves anything.

    I do not know if he is an alcoholic (he does not drink every day and can have just one drink without losing control) or just an alcohol abuser but regardless – he needs help. I love him very, very much – but not when he is drunk and mean.

    I don’t want to involve my family either. My parents have an idea that there is a problem – and I am very close to them, but they have pretty much backed off and are letting me handle it, thank goodness for that.

    Where do I turn? What do I do? Please help me or point me to a forum where maybe someone can help me work this out.

    Thanks.

    Last edited by darla66; 01-26-2005 at 07:19 AM.

     
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    Old 01-26-2005, 06:22 PM   #2
    toomany
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Firstly welcome.

    If I were in your shoes I would seek help from a counselor who specializes in addictions. In the mean time I would find an Al-anon meeting.

    I hope you find the help you are looking for.

    Take care,
    Patty

     
    Old 01-26-2005, 08:48 PM   #3
    flygirrll
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Do a google search for Al-Anon.

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 01:07 AM   #4
    cmlm
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Hi Darla,

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree with the other posters, Alanon is great. You can't change his behavior, only he can do that. Take care of YOU!

    The very best to you,

    Cat

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 02:15 AM   #5
    zandy
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Hi Darla,

    I'm so sorry for you (and him). His bleeding that you described is called esophageal varices.The esophagus gets eroded and they can bleed to death (sorry about the description). This normally happens when one is a very bad alcoholic (many years of heavy heavy drinking). He is definitely hiding something from you. Thank goodness you are very observant. If he doesn't want the help for himself, then I would suggest to him to start making out his will, and you need to protect and take care of yourself. Just some hard facts. Good Luck to you and may God bless you both.

    Last edited by zandy; 01-27-2005 at 02:16 AM.

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 02:40 AM   #6
    vonee
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    Unhappy Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Wow! Your story is very sad and I feel for you. There isn't anything you can do to change his habit, his addiciton.

    I have been married a short time as well and my husband drinks everyday. I drink sometimes too, actually we both have a drinking problem. I drink wine, he drinks beer, alot of beer. I knew this going into this marriage though so I have no excuse. But I can say that you are not an enabler to him at all. It's not your fault that he drinks like he does. He is the only one that can get help and admit that he needs help. I don't know girl, it's a hard life. All you can do is decide if you can tolerate this from him. Maybe you can suggest that he go to some kind of inpatient facility for alcoholics. Yeah, there is all kinds of information and help out there but it doesn't do any good if the person isn't willing to take it. He has to be willing, but it's not something he can be talked into.

    I'm really sorry that your marriage is going the way that it is. I'm not saying give up on him, but don't settle for less than what you want for your life as well.
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    Old 01-27-2005, 03:55 AM   #7
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Darla, Hi and welcome. I am glad you found your way to this board. This man you are married to resembles my first husband SO MUCH!!! He is the nicest guy sober, but add alcohol, his face changes, his actions are rude and nasty and he is just plain disgusting to me and his children. I have been divorced from him since 1993. He is still drinking and having children, not paying child support for "our" kids, lost his plumbing company, i could go on and on. This disease is BAFFLING. I am gonna go along with the other posters and say look into Al-anon. They are going to help you learn how to deal with him. Lots of support is what you need to get thru this.
    I would ignore him, and tell him it is time for him to pick drinking or you.....don't be surprised if he tries to blame you, or deny it.....just make a plan & express your seriousness. Believe me, my first husband NEVER thought i would walk out on him with the kids, but i did, and i am so glad we don't have to see him like that anymore. Now, his kids don't even talk to him, i'll bet he doesn't even know what my daughter's boyfriend's name is, or what sports my son wants to try out for....he just is so rapped up in his drinking. It has totally destroyed him, and my kids are aware of why Dad is the way he is....
    So keep posting here, try to get into some type of support like al-anon...and make a plan, because this behavior is only going to escalate, until he quits drinking for good!!! Maybe even look for a one on one therapist, the therapist will help you work thru this.
    Please, please, please stay safe, this man sounds like a freakin ticking time bomb...
    lots of luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 09:57 AM   #8
    Philster2003
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Darla;

    Would love an update on your situation? Hope you are hanging in there!

    phil

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 12:23 PM   #9
    darla66
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Hi - I am still here. Just trying to decide what to do next. I heard from my Minister turns out HE is a recovering alcoholic. He wanted to talk to me on the phone but that is hard for me to do - with work, etc. He suggests Al-anon and also that I see a therapist.

    He feels my husband is an alcoholic and that he does not sound like he is ready to get sober any time soon. Those statements really devistated me.

    It is so hard, because he acts very NORMAL a lot of the time!!!!!!

    I just don't get it.

    I will definitely keep you posted, and thank you all!

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 10:05 PM   #10
    Ellnyc
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    In order for him to get help, you need to get help first.
    Please find an Al-anon meeting ASAP, it can save your life.

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 05:36 AM   #11
    darla66
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    Re: Please help - how do I help my new husband?

    Thanks - I don't think my life is really in danger.

    And I am not a big "group meeting" type of person.

    I will give a therapist a call if I feel I need to talk to someone. For now I have told him that I think we both should not drink at all, that it only causes problems and he said okay. I will have to play it by ear and see how that goes. Last night was a quiet night - I want to be 100% certain I am not overreacting to any of this before I proceed with involving therapists, etc.

    Thanks again.

     
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