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    Old 04-10-2005, 05:40 PM   #1
    whatswrongwme
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    Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    This is the first time I have ever spoken about this to anyone and I am so scared to even write this. I believe my husband is a cocaine addict. I don't understand this. I believe it began after our daughter was born two years ago. He seemed so happy, but I suppose he was not. I believe it has gotten to the point where he does it by himself after I've gone to sleep. He stays up all night. I have become so resentful toward him because all I hear from him is how tired he is and that he needs to sleep. He spends no time with my daughter and I. She was sitting on my bed with me one day and she was picking up the covers saying "Daddy? Daddy?" It broke my heart and I was hysterical. Every time I confront him about his he says I am crazy and it's not the case. He is so selfish. He starts fights with me, yells and screams and is such a miserable person to be around at times that I am happy when he goes out, even though I suspect he is doing cocaine. I have seen it hidden in my house before and all I can think about is what kind of person does this make me?
    I have confronted him so many times, been understanding, etc. but he either finds a better hiding space or out and out denies it. I am pregnant again and on bedrest and I am so scared for the future. I want to find some Al-anon meetings, but I am embarassed as I live in a small town and I would have to find an excuse for someone to care for my daughter while I go. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you all for listening

     
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    Old 04-10-2005, 06:26 PM   #2
    ezmoney
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    wwwm,
    My names Chris, and I'm an alcoholic.(recovered)
    First and foremosts........there's NOTHING wrong w/YOU!!!......alcoholics/addicts make those around them nutty&nueotic with their behavior.
    2nd, lying, decieving and denial are all OUTSTANDING characteristics of addiction. An alcoholic/addict will go anywhere, do anything, lie to anyone, to get his next drink/fix/use!..........They will ruin lives (theirs/friends/families)
    Jobs, relationships, you name it,......until they admit they are powerless over their addiction and their life has become unmanageable. They will try will power, cold turkey, tapering off, self help books, phyciatrists, and all other useless forms of endevor to keep from admiting they have a decease and it's beat them...........From what youv'e written, I can't GAUANTEE your husband's an addict, but it certainly has all the earmarks
    Quote:
    . I want to find some Al-anon meetings, but I am embarassed as I live in a small town and I would have to find an excuse for someone to care for my daughter while I go.
    That doesn't matter for 2 reasons.......#1) No matter how small your town is I can ASSURE you there's plenty of addicts IN IT ALREADY!!!
    #2) The key to an addicts recovery is HONESTY!!...........so just be honest.
    It's TOTALLY NATURAL for you to feel resentful over this..........He's ruining a family, .....who'd feel happy about it???
    Hit the al-anon meetings (better yet, tell him to go to a N.A meeting) you'll feel better.

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 06:35 PM   #3
    whatswrongwme
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Thank you very much for your reply. I suppose I must stop trying to figure out the why's of it all. I just cannot understand why he would want to take himself out of our lives. I look at my daughter and cannot imagine ever doing anything that could possibly take myself out of her life. Yet what kind of mother am I if I continue to live with this person? I am driving myself crazy because I won't leave her alone with him or allow him to take her anywhere (which isn't a huge problem because he isn't that involved). I hide money from him because I am scared that he would steal. I don't want to be alone and I do love the person he WAS, but he won't entertain the notion of therapy because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I just feel terribly alone and helpless. And yet I am so angry with him for putting us through this.


    I am sorry if I sound like a whiny kid, I just feel so alone. I am so alone. All I do is cry and dispair. The pregnancy doesn't help, but I just wish I could have my old life back. I know life isn't easy, I have always been a strong, independant woman. Now I find myself fluttering around him, trying not to make him mad or upset. Trying to keep him at home or be supportive of him when he goes out. I praise endlessly for the smallest things, like helping me to take out the garbage, so I don't seem like a nag. When I am upset and tell him I need his help (usually in the mornings) he acts like I am a terrible person to be around. He says I always yell at him and I am never happy. I feel like I am loosing my mind. He usually falls asleep on the couch and he'll get up when I get up with our daughter, walk right by us into the bedroom and slams the door. He then sleeps until the afternoon. It hurts me to the bone, yet I always question myself, wondering if I am being too hard on him or if I should lighten up. Today I was so upset with his behavior I smoked a cigarette. He caught me and lost his mind. I felt so horrible. Yet I saw him using my screw up as an excuse for him to make me feel low. Again, sorry for the long posts. I just feel at the end of my rope.

    Last edited by whatswrongwme; 04-10-2005 at 07:00 PM. Reason: Addition

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 07:17 PM   #4
    ucistu
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    I have found that anyone who stays up overnight and into the afternoon is for sure using some type of drug. Unless, of course they are working in an E.R. or have some other job, etc. Especially if this is some new recent behavior. Sounds like drug behavior to me. People who are addicted to something will for sure lie and deny at all costs. You have to understand that it's not you at all! He has basically married this drug and what a evil marriage addiction can be. In his mind the only next thing he can think about is getting high. It's a sad situation, for me I was addicted to Vicodin pills and no-one knew. That was until I told my family about my problem 8 days ago and they said, "that explains why you were so moody." At the time I thought I was completely normal and in control, but in reality everyone knew something was up.

    Nonetheless, I remember I never got Addicted to anything until after college. Before I also never understood how someone can ruin their life, and do what addicts do. That was until I got addicted to the "feeling", my particular drug of choice gave me. Then I couldn't get off because it felt so good when I took it. My life around crumbling financially and with my health but I didn't care. I only cared about getting high.

    Good luck to you and please keep continue to visit and post on the boards.

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 09:40 PM   #5
    hannasnana
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Hi Whats wrong with me,
    I'm sorry your going through such a terrible time especially during pregnancy. You need to get help for yourself. Don't let fear paralyise you. If you keep all these feelings and things bottled up inside your depression is going to get worse. Is there a hotline you can call anon.? Call the Alanon and just talk. I know you will find out you are not alone. GET HELP!!!

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 02:05 PM   #6
    whatswrongwme
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Thank you for your kind words. I wasn't aware that Alanon had a hotline. I will look for that information. I don't know much about cocaine and the behavior it causes, but this moodiness is terrible! It's manic! One minute he's up and happy, the next he is screaming about the toys on the floor. I cannot predict with any degree of certainty what he will be like. I find one of the most frustrating things is when he blames me for everything. And God forbid if I make a mistake, he jumps on that and doesn't let up. It is so hard to keep quite and not scream: WELL YOU DO COCAINE YOU JERK! But I know that won't help. I am sure everyone has said this before but: I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS MY LIFE!

    I have found that writing him letters when he has upset me helps me a little. It gets that tight ball of anger in my throat and stomach to loosen up a bit. I don't give them to him, he thinks I am a coward if I leave letters so he rips them up. He doesn't understand why I just cannot talk to him.

    I am in no way perfect, nor would I want to be and I am sure there are plenty of legitimate things I do that would irritate people, but for God's sake, I just want a break. I want some peace.

    Last edited by whatswrongwme; 04-11-2005 at 02:10 PM. Reason: add

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 03:36 PM   #7
    sweetlife
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Hi whatswrongwme

    I am sorry you have to go thru this. What makes you so sure he is doing cocaine? I am just curious. I know my DOC was Percocet (I am 10 weeks clean) but I thought it made me supermom, so I would take it at night..(in the beginning) and be up till 2 or 3am. Pills will keep you up too.
    Can you sit him down when he is not up tight, talk to him, tell him what you are going thru, and ask him what's he doing? I wish you luck..It is very difficult with an addict if they are not ready to quit. I wish you luck. Keep us posted & come back here for support. That's why we are all here.

    Huggs
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    Old 04-11-2005, 06:29 PM   #8
    hannasnana
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Hi WWM, Do you have anyone you can go live with right now. Its clear your husband is not going to do something about his addiction. You haven't expressed that your husband is physically abusing you but you are going through emotional abuse. Do you have a battered womens shelter close. They have lots of information for situations like yours.

    Things may not change until you show him your serious and move out. I know its easy for me to say I'm not in your place with your situation. Do you have any close friends that you could enlist for help?

    (((((HUGS))))
    Nana

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 07:23 PM   #9
    whatswrongwme
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Thank you for your reply. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive, but never in the 16 years that we have been married has he been physically abusive. I have not told anyone about his drug use, nor do I want to right now. Yes, I am protecting him from the gossip and I know it is wrong, but I am scared that people would turn against him. Can you say co-dependant The "friends" that I do have are pretty much all self-absorbed, shallow girls who love to gossip (I known, not very friendly) so I would never tell them what I was going through. A shelter I would never do as I do not want to risk losing my daughter-I am also pregnant and pretty much on bed rest for a few weeks so it is not feasible. It seems in my area if CPS ever gets involved in a case, you are done. Even though I, myself, have nothing to worry about, I don't want to take the risk of being "labeled".

    I did see some Al-anon meetings in my area that I am very willing to attend, however, is Al-anon only for families of alcoholics, or any addict. I know NA has a similar group, however there are no meetings in my area. Just wondering.

    Last edited by whatswrongwme; 04-11-2005 at 07:25 PM.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 08:10 PM   #10
    hannasnana
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Hi WWME,
    I am not sure about Alanon, alcohol or addicts. I don't think it matters, it produces the same kind of symtoms in families. I feel sorry for you WWME, so much fear and so many secrets. Reminds of me of my childhood with alcholic men in family and physical abuse. We never talked about it and my mom never got help.
    I hope you find someone you can trust soon. Your worth it.
    ((((HUG))))
    Nana

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 08:15 PM   #11
    LuvMyLilDoggie
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Al-Anon is for family and friends of anyone who is addicted to anything.

    Have you tried the al-anon website? alanon-alateen.org

    As far as living in a small town, you'd be surprised how many of those people have similar problems.

    I understand that you want to protect him but sometimes that enables them to keep doing what they're doing. Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. Let the chips fall where they may. I have a friend who called the police on her husband because he was doing drugs in their house and she couldn't stand it anymore. She didn't want to but she felt that that was the only way he would have a chance to recover. He did some jail time and is now clean. They're back together and both are working programs. I'm not suggesting that you do this. But I am saying that you need to concentrate on yourself and your 2 year old and future baby. Btw, congratulations!

    I do hope that you have help as you mentioned you're on bedrest.

    Please keep in touch and go to those al-anon meetings. The people there are fantastic! And you don't have to worry about being judged. No one will tell you what to do.

    There are shelters around who will help women in your situation and allow you to keep your kids with you. You have to search for them though as they take in domestic abuse cases. Their addresses are not in the phone book and the name isn't on the door. I volunteer to do al-anon meetings at one near my home. The last al-anon meeting we had there, we had six mothers and 27 children. The children have to stay with their mothers 24/7.

    I hope you find some strength and hope here and in the al-anon meetings you want to attend.

    Hugs, Barb
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    Old 04-11-2005, 09:04 PM   #12
    whatswrongwme
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Thank you all for your replies. You will never truely know how I feel just after I started posting here last night. I honestly feel as if I have people to talk with. It makes me feel empowered and that is the start of everything. I remember when I would ever listen to my friends talk about their dramatic lives, I would think: " boy am I glad that is not me". Now I wonder if my over-confidence and smugness, is biting me in the (well you know). I used to me such a strong, confident person. I hope to find that again. I have to.

    I find it hard to keep myself from living in the past. Anyone else ever go through this? I gave up so many opportunities to stay with this man. Now, I am not saying that is his fault, it is mine, but it speaks to the power of co-dependency. I talked myself out of going to law school because he could not come with me. I talked myself out of an internship with the FBI because he wouldn't be with me. Again, I am blaming no one but myself for these decisions.

    It is just interesting how some women are able to do the things they need to do for THEMSELVES first, and others, like me, think of their men or women first, and themselves last. The only substance I abuse are cigarettes, I don't even drink, however, I have noticed in my silent observations that feelings of dispair and victim like behavior can be addictive as well.

    Oh well, I best go. Thank you all again. My heart doesn't feel nearly as heavy when I come to this board.

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 07:41 AM   #13
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Oh my, your post brought tears to my eyes. I saw myself.......40 years ago.

    Sometimes I think we see that tiny little "good" in someone and just can't give it up. Probably, that is our addiction.

    I was young and naive, no drinkers or drug abusers in my family. So for years and years, I blamed my husband's sad childhood for his erratic behavior and outbursts of temper. "he never hit me," so I thought all the other stuff was just something you lived with.

    My hubby was an alcoholic (sometimes meth abuser)and after 40 years and 4 children........he still is.

    I left many times, especially when he was on Meth. That is totally intolerable behavior. But somehow, the drinking seemed like not-so-bad after all the violence of meth.

    I can't tell you what my children have endured. And yes, I look back and feel guilty to the core for allowing it all!

    And you know what the absolute sadest part is, and this sounds down-right mean but it irks me that after all these years, he has very little memory of any of it.

    I was in therapy for 3 years and the therapist told me, "The addict was drugged through it all.....you and the children were cold sober."

    In his 60's......he works and drinks...that's all. No meth, no insane violence. But........

    There is also no personal relationships with me or his children. And, quite frankly, he just doesn't understand it. "He was such a good father!"

    He recounts memories that never happened and changes the ones that aren't beneficial to him.

    I feel like I'm blubbering here, but want you to think long and hard about your future. And, what it holds for you if he keeps using.

    Take care of yourself! He won't do it!
    Sandy
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    Old 04-12-2005, 07:47 AM   #14
    jessy28
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Sounds to me that he is using. You know you can come here to talk.

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 08:00 AM   #15
    sweetlife
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    Re: Husband's Cocaine Addiction

    Sandy...

    Reading your post makes me think of the other side of the fence. Me the addict, never thought of my family & the things I must have put them thru while I was on the pills.

    Thank you for the wake up call!
    I am 10 weeks clean & your post will stay with me forever!

    That was a lightbulb moment for me
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