It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics Message Board

  • Coping with an addict spouse

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 07-17-2005, 12:40 PM   #1
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: indiana
    Posts: 9
    lilmis HB User
    Coping with an addict spouse

    Hi. I just need a place where I can "break down" for a minute. My husband of 9 1/2 yrs is a pot addict. He has made me sooooo many promises to quite that it is unbelievable. At first he promised to only use on the wkends and not at work (which would cost him his job of course and this great job was basically dropped into his lap) but that didn't last so then I started asking him to just quit period. He already has an arrest for possession. After the arrest he went to NA meetings faithfully for awhile and they seemed to help. He self-admitted to an in-patient program about a month ago after suffering from severe depression for prolonged time and was at the point of having suicidal tendancies and thoughts. He was in a program several yrs ago when he was married to his ex. He went as far as to try to run his truck into a tree the morning he self-admitted. He went through the program and had a completely changed 360 attitude about everything. He was "done with the stuff", he couldn't wait for us to get back on track again and become best friends too. Wanted to start going to church with me and the kids and wanted to "get right with THE MAN". I was so proud of him for taking such a huge step in the right direction. As soon as he came home from the program and started back to work, it was all over though. He is in a severe "funk" and of course started using again even before 3 wks had elapsed from treatment sessions. I am so frustrated and hurt and to be honest I feel betrayed. I let my guard down and totally put my 100% trust and faith into him and I am so hurt. It just really felt like he was going to do it and that it was awhole bunch of "blah, blah, blah" like he has given me in the past. Its tearing us up and he no longer has any interest in me or our 2yr old or 5 yr old either. I want to be there for him and can't imagine life without him but it is so hard for me to understand why he can't see how much he has going for him. He has a great job that he was so lucky to get being an "uneducated drop-out", has a great home and we bought 11 acres we had planned on building on soon, has 4 sons who adore him and love him immensely and a great wife who has stood beside him through some really bad stuff. He has been on several differenc anti-depressants over the yrs. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really given them a chance to work or see if they are going to work when he continues to use. Thanks for the shoulder.


    Sponsors Lightbulb
    Old 07-17-2005, 08:47 PM   #2
    Nervous Nellie
    Senior Member
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 225
    Nervous Nellie HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse


    A person, such as your husband, who finds life just too hard to cope with, can turn to the use of drugs to cope. Once a person chooses that route, it is very hard for them to quit. Promises and good intentions don't mean anything anymore...because it's beyond their control. It's ALSO beyond YOUR control.

    He needs professional help for his depression I think. How could YOU possibly be expected, with two young children at that, to be his saviour in that regard? You mentioned that he went through a rehab program, which is fine when one is there and not facing day-to-day reality...but what about when one gets back to real life and its ensuing responsibilities?

    In the meantime...while your husband deals with his own issues, please, please don't forget your own needs or those of your children. It's good to help him find his own 'goodness and purpose', and I hope you continue to do so, but not at your expense or that of your children.

    Your husband has to want to truly 'live'...he has to want it for cannot instill that in him. You CAN, however, show him what he risks losing, if he continues on his current path...

    Nar-anon or Al-anon may be a good place for you to find the strength that YOU so desperately need right now.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.


    Last edited by Nervous Nellie; 07-17-2005 at 08:56 PM.

    Old 07-18-2005, 05:24 AM   #3
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: indiana
    Posts: 9
    lilmis HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    Thanks Nell for taking the time and concern to respond. I KNOW in my heart there isn't a thing I can do for him, that it all has to come from inside. He just was doing so good in rehab and shortly after and then when he got back to "reality and work" it just all went down hill. The great attitude, the want to be clean and "clear headed", the attentiveness to me and the kids, just everything was gone over night it seems. I love him but it is hard to stand by and watch what he is doing to himself as well as us and our "family". He is seeing a phsyciatrist 2X wk and is on anti-depressants which probably aren't even given a chance to work since he continues to use daily. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.


    Old 07-18-2005, 08:27 AM   #4
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 320
    thghtsreal HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    Ya. Yours is another tragic story. Your drug using spouse would rather numb himself out of the situation and let you carry the load. Heavy isn't it.

    Relapsing like that is not too uncommon. My son went to detox at a hospital for a week and then immediately into two weeks of in-patient rehab. He went back to drugs (Oxycontin) within two hours of being released from rehab.

    I believe the reason that users fall back into using is because they can. They have other people holding up a big chunk of their load.

    Your best chance is to make drug use so uncomfortable for him that the pain of remaining on drugs is greater than the pain of change.

    Read the many posts on this forum. There are many stories like yours of people married to drug addicts. It always comes down to the same solution, though. The user has to make the change. You cannot love and support them enough to get them clean. Here is an example; let's say that you promised that you would make love to your husband and hold him, and look into his eyes and tell him you love him every day that he did not use drugs. Heck, let's say you would even give him a back rub too. How long do you think that would last? For most addicts, it would not last even a couple of days before they would be right back on drugs. They love the drugs more than anything or anyone or any activity.

    As sad as it seems, pain and loss seem to be the only effective motivators to get addicts off of drugs.

    I suppose that you have threatened to leave your husband many times in the past. You don't follow through, so he doesn't have any reason to believe you. Essentially, you have taught him that you do not keep your promises.

    This time, live up to your threats. Hopefully he will see the light and get clean. Don't give in until he is 100% clean, though. The fringe benefit is that you will find life very nice living without an addict.

    Good luck!

    Old 07-18-2005, 12:07 PM   #5
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: indiana
    Posts: 9
    lilmis HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    Yes I have used the treat of leaving before. Never have done it though. He knows I am not financially able to. I have health issues and he has great insurance as well as I have 2 small children that would be put in Daycare in order for me to work.

    I live in a two sided world most days. Some days I am so frustrated at him for putting us/me/kids through this mess and am ready to throw in the towel and move on and be done with the aggrevation. Other days I can't imagine being without him. We have been through so much together. We lost a child 5 yrs ago. Two yrs ago he found out he was Hep C positive and went through the terrible yr of shots and treatments. I held his hand through it all and gave him his injections. I carried the load for a yr while he was home sick. Thankfully he is clear now and has been for over a yr. I just can't seem to be able to just throw in the towel just yet. Emotionally, we are already divorced and he isn't home that much so physically he really isn't here even when he is here. I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought of tearing the kids up honestly I am scared to be alone and by myself with 2 small kids. Sometimes I think if we were separated he would "wake up" and see what it would be like to loose us and be alone and then he would "get it together" and other times I am scared that he would like it like that to be able to curl up in his own reclusive shell. He is a loner and always has been.

    I just want to thank you for being here and letting me vent. I will read some of the other posts like previous poster suggested. I know there are a lot of people in my position and there are just as many that wouldn't put up with what I do.


    Old 07-18-2005, 02:20 PM   #6
    Join Date: Jan 2004
    Posts: 55
    flygirrll HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    If no nar-anon in your area try:

    Old 08-10-2005, 01:43 AM   #7
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 1
    nyc31 HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    Hi. My spouse is also a drug addict (crystal meth), so I completely understand what you're going through. A book recommended by my therapist that helped me a lot is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Go get it and read it! It really gets to the heart of so many issues surrounding dealing with an addicted family member. I also found going to Al-Anon meetings very helpful. If nothing else, it helps to hear the stories of other people in your situation. You'll be amazed by what you learn.

    Good luck, and I wish you the best!


    Old 08-10-2005, 05:03 PM   #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 23
    totallylost HB User
    Re: Coping with an addict spouse

    I'm right there with you Lilmis. My husband has been clean 10 days now. It took me throwing all his clothes outside and telling him to move on to get him to wake up. I was deadly serious, I had reached the end of my rope and he knew it.

    It did wake him up, however that doesn't mean it's over. He is in out patient treatment and swears he never wants to use again, but addiction is very strong. Most addicts are searching and searching for something or someone to make them happy. At first it works, but just like your new shirt, it begins to fade with time. Once they go into that low feeling again they use. What they can't grasp is that the only thing keeping them down is their own thoughts.

    Every day is a struggle living with a spouse that is an addict. I just make sure me and my kids are happy. The last 10 days have been great, I just hope it continues. He is also keeping a journal to express his feelings. He has a hard time doing that face to face, but I've seen a big change in dealing with people since the journal.

    I wish you the best.

    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My marriage with an addict cincin5000 Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 6 10-05-2011 11:31 AM
    The joys of NOT living with an addict - a message of courage thghtsreal Addiction & Recovery 52 09-16-2005 02:09 AM
    husband sex addict pammy48 Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 22 01-08-2005 05:16 PM
    Coping with a loved one who is a food addict SadRuss Addiction & Recovery 0 12-29-2004 12:02 PM

    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is On
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off

    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:05 PM.

    © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!