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  • Husband relapsing

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    Old 08-07-2005, 03:11 PM   #1
    babysteps
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    Unhappy Husband relapsing

    My husband got out of 25 days of rehab for alcoholism on July 30, and fell off the wagon only 5 days later! I had gone out with some friends (and was drinking). He knew I would be drinking and had second thoughts about doing it, but he said that it didn't bother him as long as I didn't drink in front of him. Well, when I got home it was obvious that he had had more to drink than me. Then the next two days in a row he brought alcohol into the house as if he never went to rehab! He also didn't go to AA the days he was drinking. I told him on his third day of drinking that he had to get with the program and go back to AA the next day. Well he just left saying he is going to AA. I checked the schedule and it doesn't start for another hour! Either he got the time wrong or he is lying.

    I don't really know if I am asking for advice or just looking for anyone who has been through this experience. I really love my husband and our daughter thinks the world of him, but he has barely worked this past year and I can't depend on him. I am worried sick about decisions that seem to be facing me.

     
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    Old 08-07-2005, 03:16 PM   #2
    Constant
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    There is nothing you can do or say to get him or keep him sober. He has got to want it.

    Did he ask to go to rehab or did he get bullied into going?

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 03:18 PM   #3
    babysteps
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    He was not bullied into it. I made all the arrangements, then told him I thought it was time he got help, and he agreed. He was a leader the whole time he was there and everything seemed so optimistic. I am emotionally crushed. The last thing I want is a divorce, but we can't go backwards.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 03:25 PM   #4
    Constant
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babysteps
    He was not bullied into it. I made all the arrangements, then told him I thought it was time he got help, and he agreed. He was a leader the whole time he was there and everything seemed so optimistic. I am emotionally crushed. The last thing I want is a divorce, but we can't go backwards.
    YOU made the arrangements and then YOU told HIM it was time to get help?

    He didn't go get help. You went and got help and he agreed to go to get you off his back, in my opinion.

    This is his deal babysteps. I know, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and I know exactly how the mind of an alcoholic/addict thinks.

    You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your child.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 03:32 PM   #5
    totallylost
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    I have been facing my husband's addiction as well. He told me twice he would quit, then I caught him again. This last time I kicked him out of the house. It was a real wake up call for him, he never thought I would follow through with that.

    That is the most important lesson of all times, we can not control someone elses addiction, we can not cure it. We can only support a person willing to help themselves.

    Addiction isn't about how much or little someone loves you. I've heard so many people say if he loved me he would stop.

    My husband starts treatment tomorrow and has been clean for 7 full days now. Drug testing is done weekly and if he fails he has to move out. I can't live with an addict any longer.

    As much as my children love their father I have to think about being happy and living life to make me happy.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 03:52 PM   #6
    babysteps
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    I know I can't fix him, Lord knows I have tried. I think I am just not yet ready to give up on my marriage. I do know that this is his last chance. I find it a frightening reality that I lay awake at night coming up with disaster contingency plans regarding the possible consequences of his drinking (he tends to drink and drive alot). Even though I have been dealing with this for a long time, I can't believe my life is ending up this way!

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 04:40 PM   #7
    Constant
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babysteps
    I know I can't fix him, Lord knows I have tried. I think I am just not yet ready to give up on my marriage. I do know that this is his last chance. I find it a frightening reality that I lay awake at night coming up with disaster contingency plans regarding the possible consequences of his drinking (he tends to drink and drive alot). Even though I have been dealing with this for a long time, I can't believe my life is ending up this way!
    Everytime you rescue him, try and fix him, put up with his drinking you are participating in the destruction of your marriage.

    Everytime you see him get behind the wheel of a car drunk and do nothing about it you are an accessory to his drinking and driving.

    This is called enabling.

    Last edited by Constant; 08-07-2005 at 04:47 PM.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 06:10 PM   #8
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    My heart goes out to you as I deal with an 18 year old drug addict son. Stand your ground and give him an ultimatum. It's you and your daughter or his drinking. My sister inlaw gave that choice to my brother 15 years ago and he chose her and the kids, fortunatley, but I know that doesn't always happen.

    Good luck and I hope he makes the right decision. As hard as it is, make sure you make the right choices for you and your daugher.

    Last edited by Administrator; 08-08-2005 at 12:22 PM. Reason: Respect privacy and don't ask the age of kids. Be safe.

     
    Old 08-07-2005, 07:13 PM   #9
    deni
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    I am going through the same thing even though my husband is an addict its my addiction that seems to cause all the problems.I was clean three weeks, came home and everything was going along pretty smoothly. Then a whole bunch fo stuff happened,giving me my excuse to use.After 23 years of marriage we will be divorcing.Divorcing because of our addictions mine are coke and pills his drinking,coke and pills.
    Do you have any addictions? cause 2 addicts married especily if you not get and stay clean together.
    I wish you both good luck
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    denni

     
    Old 08-08-2005, 07:14 AM   #10
    wannahelp
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    I agree with Constant. You are just as responsible as he especially when you know he is driving and drinking. Where I live, if you are a passenger with him drinking/driving, you would be arrested along with him. Call the cops when he's driving. I also read that you mentioned you were drinking. Why should he quit if you're going to continue doing so? How can you support him being sober if you continue to drink? Even if it isn't a problem for you, you still need to walk the walk. I know what alcohol does to families, I hate it, I have no use for it, and I support no companies that make it. Iwish you luck, and I hope things work out for you.

     
    Old 08-08-2005, 02:29 PM   #11
    totallylost
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    That is good advice wannahelp. Once I found out my of my husbands addiction my house became a sober house. No one is allowed to drink in our house. I don't even have a social drink any longer to support him.

    Kfld how is your son doing?

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 03:17 PM   #12
    babysteps
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    Just to clarify, I am never with him when he drinks and drives. He drinks on his way home from work or "runs an errand" and comes home having been drinking.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 03:22 PM   #13
    babysteps
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    Also, I have quite drinking. He told me he didn't mind if I drank now and then as long as it wasn't in the house or when he was around. Obviously that wasn't the case. I just got home a couple of minutes ago and it's obvious he drank today. He has now been drinking 5 of the 10 days he has been home (I only drank the night I was at my friends house last Thursday). An ultimatum is probably my only choice. We have talked about this until we are blue in the face and he doesn't seem willing to follow through with what he claims he wants out of life.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 03:42 PM   #14
    Constant
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    He is following exactly what he wants most of all out of life...drinking, and he sounds very successful at it.

    On the other hand, are you following through on what you want out of life?

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 03:46 PM   #15
    TeTr01
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    Re: Husband relapsing

    That's a tough situation, I am sorry you are in it. The best thing you can do is be there for your husband & support him. He won't get help & stay clean till HE makes the choice to do so, you can't make that choice for him. If you are just constantly getting empty promises that he's going to stop doing this to you, but doesn't - then you have to make the choice if it's worth it or not to keep going through all that.

    Good luck. Best to both of you!

    .

     
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