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  • Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

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    Old 08-08-2005, 06:52 PM   #1
    NodiGoiterGirl
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    Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Hey everybody,
    I guess I am just at the end of my rope when it comes to my brother. He's going to be 18 in two weeks.
    He has been in trouble with the law since he was 14. Stealing, drugs, the past two years has been doing meth.
    He has been sent away to different places for the past nine months. He's had drug therapy and has learned some life skills. He excelled in every program he has been in and everyone really likes him, all the teachers like him too.
    Every time he gets sent away he says positive things and reassures us that he is going to change his life. He never does.
    He just got home after 6 months had to be on probation for two weeks until he turns 18. Well, he had trackers and I guess he didn't think he would get drug tested but he did. He tried to tell them he didn't have to pee but they said they'd wait. The next day the officer picked him up and took him to the JDC. He tested positive for Meth and Weed.
    I am so scared for him. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in prison, of course. He really is a good person with a kind heart, he just doesn't seem to care about himself. His dad lives in a different state but have been communicating lately. Mom has been raising him since he was 13. I know a lot of this has to do with his father. He's not exactly a nice guy....I had to live with him for 10 years and he messed me up too. I was just able to move on. Now, I know that my brother has to take responsibility too, it's not all the parents fault, I just wish he was strong enough to make the right decisions.
    My Mom doesn't have much money and my husband and I don't have enough to pay for help and we don't know where to go from here. How long will he need to be in rehab for to beat this Meth crap?
    Where should he go?
    What do we do?
    What's the next step?
    Is there one?
    I feel so lost. And the sad part is, I know I'm not the only person going through this painful sadness.
    Nodi

     
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    Old 08-08-2005, 07:05 PM   #2
    daz_salvadore
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    im a 34yr old ex con/drug abuser ive lost 6yrs in prison through drugs ive been out over 2 years and clean through support and subutex i now work have been 4 15 months if ican do it im sure he can do it but he has to truly want to change dont force him etc or he will dig his heels in iwas on the meth ie 75ml a day for 19 months the stuff is pure poison but with subutex i got off it

    Last edited by daz_salvadore; 08-08-2005 at 07:08 PM.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 05:14 AM   #3
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Nodi, Your brother sounds exactly like mine, except my brother is now 38yrs old. Been off and on since he was 14. He's very smart, talented, and liked by all too. He's also very tender hearted, and has poor coping skills. He'd give the shirt off his back to help others, but not himself. (keep in mind that "others" doesn't include his family) He's put all of us through heck. I really think that the guilt is so great for him, that he doesn't think he can ever repair relationships with his family. Looking back over the years, I now see that we contributed to his addictions. We wonder now, how he would be if we would have just stepped back and let him go. Every time you step in and do something for an addict, you are enabling him. He has to take responsibility for his choices and actions. It's hard. Your brother is still young, and the sooner you let him go, the greater the chance he will have for sobriety. Never stop loving him, just do it at a distance. I share your pain/worry, as so many others do also. Prayers & Hugs

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 05:19 AM   #4
    wannahelp
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Daz, congratulations to you. It's people like you, that gives people like me, hope.
    Could you tell me what subutex is?

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 05:56 AM   #5
    KFld
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    From what I have heard from others, jail may be the best thing for him. I can say this because I have decided to stop drug testing my 18 year old son at home and let the courts take over and if he tests positive and ends up in jail, then maybe that will be the answer to my prayers. I know it will kill me, but I am also learning so much about how it's all up to him, not me, not my husband, not his sister, or anyone else in the family who loves him and do anything for him, but him alone!!!
    Your parents did not cause any of this. There is nothing that happened in his life that cause him to be a drug addict, only his choices. It's a terrible thing to live through, and I don't know if you have children or not, but I have to believe it's ten times worse to go through this with a child then it is to watch a brother, sister, husband, wife, or anyone else go through this, but to watch your own child just about kills you. I am slowly learning to leave it in gods hands. I can love him and support him when he's ready, but he has to make these choices.

    I hope this helps, but it sounds like he has been given many chances and still isn't ready. He has been places longer then a lot of people, and keep going back, so I don't know what the answer is, but he must not be ready and there is nothing you can do to help him be ready.

    this is a great place to come, though you may not want to hear what everyone has to say, but everyone here has there own story and there own experience.

    I'll be thinking of you.

    Karen

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 07:01 AM   #6
    wannahelp
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Karen, you're right. My pain for my brother is so great, but the pain my mother has experienced has totally destroyed her. You are on the right track, and I pray that you'll not let this destroy you. It can and it will if you let it. You deserve to be happy, and your other family members need you. Concentrate on them, and turn your son over to God, and let Him do His work. I know this is easier said than done, but please don't end up like my mom. My sister and I have needed her so many times, but she barely can take care of herself. I love her so much, and I miss her more than I can say. I hope this encourages you a little to stay strong.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 08:54 AM   #7
    KFld
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Thanks,
    I am trying to stay strong and I don't want my daughter to ever feel like I wasn't there for her because he sucked the life out of me. I do good most of the time and I'm getting stronger, but it's not easy!!!!

     
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    Old 08-09-2005, 09:52 AM   #8
    Felicia65
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Hello, and karen is right untill that day comes you can not do anything.Nothing you do or say will work.My son has been messing with drugs for about 4 years. I was not aware of this because he lived with his father all I knew was what he told me, Which was not much. He come to live with me two months ago, Because he had no where to go, I have tryed to repair the damage he has done . He seems to be doing good he has a job now. So that helps him to stay busy. He does not have alot of time for anything else. But I feel like this has drained me I can not sleep at night, And I find myself telling him how to live his life. I live on the edge all of the time. I am here 24/7 for him. But I feel like the life has been drained out of me.(90% of the time he is a great person 10% he gives me hell) he says I treat him like a baby, And i watch him like a hawlk. I guess I am affraid I just wont the best for him. But I know he has to do this by his self, I just feel if he had time to part from his old ways he would change the way he see things.I dont know if I even make sense. You know in the bible it says jesus left all the heard of sheep and went to find the one that is lost, Well I think that goes for parents too They leave the children that is on the right road and go to get the one that got lost. So Please dont be to hard on mom she is just tring to save one of her children from being lost, But she will find her way back to you. And She would have done the same thing if it had been you! You are in my prays . Felicia

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 09:53 AM   #9
    thghtsreal
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wannahelp
    Karen, you're right. My pain for my brother is so great, but the pain my mother has experienced has totally destroyed her. You are on the right track, and I pray that you'll not let this destroy you. It can and it will if you let it. You deserve to be happy, and your other family members need you. Concentrate on them, and turn your son over to God, and let Him do His work. I know this is easier said than done, but please don't end up like my mom. My sister and I have needed her so many times, but she barely can take care of herself. I love her so much, and I miss her more than I can say. I hope this encourages you a little to stay strong.
    When we found that my son was on oxycontin and confronted him on it, he ran away for a week so that he could continue to do drugs.

    It was hell on our family. We had no idea where he was and he was only fifteen at the time. Neither my wife nor I ever did any drugs and we rarely even drink, so this was all so new and terrifying to us. We did not know what to do or what to think or who to turn to. I had never heard of Oxycontin.

    Like your mother, my wife had a terrible time of it. She cried for five days straight morning and night without stop. Finally, she could not get off of the couch - only laying there crying. She had never had any depression in the past, but with this she completely gave herself in to a deep dark depression.

    I had to arrange to have her committed to the hospital. She snapped out of it only because she didn't want to be in the hospital when our son might come home. Still, my wife was a mess both physically and mentally from the experience. My wife had checked out psychologically and I really felt alone in a tough situation when I really could have used some support.

    Through this experience, I learned several things. First, there is no bottom to the selfishness of an addict. Our son was a very wonderful and caring boy before drugs, but once hooked he didn't care about anything but drugs. He could not care less about the turmoil and trouble and worry that he was causing his family or that he went from an A student to an F student or that he had given up all activities and all friends for oxy.

    Sadly there is truth in the statement "Drugs Rule". Drugs are indeed stronger than love.

    The other thing I learned was that it is very important to protect the rest of the family from the addict. You have to protect yourself and your family both emotionally and physically.

    Please print this and give it to your mother. Encourage her to read this forum. Have her post a message "Hey Thghtsreal". I will tell her what I know and what we experienced. One thing is for certain, if she let's herself become an emotional victim of her son's addiction, the rest of her family will suffer from her distress. She needs to be strong for herself and the rest of her family.

    God bless you, your family, and all that are innocent victims of drug addiction.

    Last edited by thghtsreal; 08-09-2005 at 09:58 AM.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 09:55 AM   #10
    NodiGoiterGirl
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Thank you all so much for your advice. And congratulations to all who have beat their addictions.
    I am so worried about Mom. She had a breakdown years ago, that's why my Brother's dad had custody. Anyway when she gets stressed out like this I can feel her slipping away from me too, not just my Brother. I really don't want to lose two family members.
    I know he needs to decide on his own that he needs to beat this and do it. I will never abandon him but really from what I can see, it's up to him now.
    I will never stop believing in him, he needs to believe in himself.
    Well, better get back to work.
    Nodi

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 01:41 PM   #11
    wannahelp
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Thghtsreal, thank you so much for your kindness. I actually just talked to my mom today about this forum, and how helpful it is. My brother is 38yrs old, so she's been going through this a long time. We've had her committed several times. My dad, like you, has been a rock. I don't know how he stays so strong, but he does. I doubt my mom will visit this forum, but I'll give her your message anyway. I'll pray for your family.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 02:55 PM   #12
    thghtsreal
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wannahelp
    Thghtsreal, thank you so much for your kindness. I actually just talked to my mom today about this forum, and how helpful it is. My brother is 38yrs old, so she's been going through this a long time. We've had her committed several times. My dad, like you, has been a rock. I don't know how he stays so strong, but he does. I doubt my mom will visit this forum, but I'll give her your message anyway. I'll pray for your family.
    My prayers are with you, wannahelp. Parenting is a funny thing. My own mother told me once that I would always be her boy even when I am 80 years old. Now, I see what she meant.

    Despite the fact that your brother is 38 years old, his addiction and other problems are heavy on your mother's heart.

    In addition to getting some support on these forums, you mother could probably help many of us. She is a true veteran of emotional battle.

     
    Old 08-09-2005, 08:48 PM   #13
    Felicia65
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Well I really feel for your mother I to have lived with panic/ and anxity been put in the hospital a few times myself. I have been doing really well for the last 7 years, But I do know how sick I was. (And I do know that you love your brother ,and you always will. I love my son too but I can not let him take me down too.) I have found a lot of courage here in all these post . AND IT HELPS ME ALOT TO KNOW i AM NOT ALONE. GOD bLESS YOU !

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 04:17 AM   #14
    wannahelp
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Felicia, I'm so glad you are fighting to stay well. You are definitely not alone. I too get my strength and courage from talking with others. I used to get it from my Mom. Now I find myself trying to protect her from anything that may cause her worry. But, that's ok. My mom is the most beautiful person I've ever known in every sense of that word. I would not be the person I am today if not for her. I can't imagine all the good she could do for all that are here on these boards if she were able at this time. She'd be bombarded with posts 24/7 probably. That's just how she is, but that has been her biggest problem in life too. She's always put others first, and never really taken time to take care of herself, and it finally caught up to her. I'd bet that you are a lot like her Felicia. But, please continue to do everything in your power to stay healthy and strong. Count your blessings every day, and thank God for all the good you have in your life. My brother may be an addict and my mom may be sick, but I would not trade either one of them for nothing in the world. I learn from it, take it as a life lesson, and I pray that I can help others because of it. I hope you have a great day, and my thoughts are with you.

     
    Old 08-10-2005, 05:10 AM   #15
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    Re: Little Brother addicted to meth....I feel lost

    Felicia65,
    You have come a long way since you came to this board and had no idea how to handle your sons problems, but I guess if people, or myself , looked back at my babbling posts, lost, having no clue how to handle any of this when I first found this board, they would say the same thing about me.
    The point I'm trying to get across is how helpful this board has been to me and many others here and how far we have come in dealing with this awful mess, for ourselves, since we've started coming here.
    I haven't been on here as often as I was in the beginning of my sons addiction, and sometimes I feel a little guilty because I want to give everyone the support they gave me and other times I realize what a healthy thing it is, because I am no longer spending every waking minute of my day on this board crying about my sons problems, instead I am filling my day with other things for myself and the rest of my family. I continue to go to alanon every Monday night, no matter what is going on. I have actually started sleeping better this past week then I have for weeks, or months I should say. It's not because I think my son is doing so fantastic and I don't have to worry when I go to bed at night, but I'm finally realizing, that whether I sleep or not, whether I eat or not, whether I'm freaking out or not, he will choose to use, or not, and nothing I'm doing can keep him from that. I have taken the road of leaving it up to the courts. He is living home and we have put his insurance and registration to his car in his name because I am not going to lose my insurance, or have my insurance go sky high when he screws up, but he will lose his. I think I started sleeping better the night we did that. He is not going to meetings every day, it is not his first priority. He says he goes a few times a week, but I have no proof. He also tells me he's going to look for a job, but I have no proof, but I have also decided I don't need proof. He goes to court next Thursday and I made it very clear to him that it is now in the hands of the court and the judge he will stand in front of, and if he is going to make the wrong choices then the courts will make his choices for him, not me. This is getting much easier for me to say.
    I did sit him down the other day also, because I heard him say once again, his girlfriend is mentally ill, but he doesn't know how much of it he has caused. I told him you cannot cause anyone to be mentally ill, but if you really want to take the responsibility for what you've done to someone and how you made them feel and carry some guilt about it, look at me, your mother, because you are slowly killing me. I don't know if he's using, he doesn't look like he is and I haven't seen any signs that he is, but I'm also not seeing the concrete signs that he's not. I go through my day now and let him know we love him and we are here for him if he needs us, but that is all I can do.
    We are going to VT for a few days tomorrow and I want him to come with us, but he doesn't know if he can find a non drug addict friend to come and doesn't want to come by himself, so I told him he cannot sleep home. I don't know where he will sleep. Perhaps I'll ask his grandmother if he can sleep on her couch, maybe he'll sleep in his girlfriends back yard in a tent, or maybe he'll sleep in his car, but I know I won't enjoy my vacation if he's sleeping home, so I'm not going to let him.

    To all of you mothers, wives, husbands, etc., start doing for yourself. What I'm also learning from alanon is the more we do for ourselves and the more normal our homes our, sometimes that even helps the addict want to be a part of that normal life, and sometimes not, but do it for yourself.

     
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