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  • Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

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    Old 08-30-2005, 09:07 AM   #1
    single22
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    Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 months and all appeared to be going well, we're both 23 and I'm his first girlfriend. All he's ever known since he was about 17 is going to the pub at the weekends and drinking with his friends, mainly Friday nights, Saturday nights and all days Sundays.
    I've noticed recently that when he's been drinking he never remembers our conversations and tells me the next day that he doesn't remember saying/doing things - are these considered to be blackouts even though he's conscious?
    He's never violent when drunk, can make completely coherent conversation, doesn't struggle to walk in a straight line so sometimes it's hard to tell if he's drunk. Plus he never suffers from hangovers so can easily drink the next day.
    I asked him how much he drinks and he says if he's out all day he'd have about 12/14 points but can sometimes drink 6 or 7 pints in a few hours. He rarely drinks in the week, if we go to the pub he'll sometimes only have a soft drink, yet he will drink every weekend (usually for the three days!) Would anyone consider this to be excessive?
    Does anyone think he has a problem, I'm starting to feel it's a little more than social drinking, yet it's what all his friends do. To be honest it's the not remembering the next day that worries me more than anything.
    All opinions much welcome - thanks

     
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    Old 08-30-2005, 12:09 PM   #2
    lostnewwife
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    Single 22,
    I am the last person to diagnose someone with an addiction, so I won't pretend to now. However, TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS. If you are uncomfortable with his drinking, you're probably NOT wrong. Alcoholics are all different. Some handle their alcohol better, some become violent, some emotional, there is not ONE WAY to behave as an alcoholic. His weekend binges sound excessive and if he can't recall conversations; it's more than a social habit. If you want to test him, ask him to NOT drink for one whole weekend, see how he responds. As far as his friends are concerned; they're just like him, so don't compare. If they drink all weekend, they, too have a problem...it's NOT normal because others are doing it, they just share his disease. If he is in fact an alcoholic, the first thing he needs to do is find new friends, besides the obvious; not drink.
    You are young, you are NOT married, so either nip this in the bud NOW or move on...BUT NO ONE DESERVES THIS, including, YOU. Feel free to read my thread "husband addicted to cocaine" and extract some of the advice that has been given to me.
    Continue to come to this board with your questions and concerns. No one will judge you and everyone has amazing insight that only makes your situation a little easier to bear. Just remember one thing, your instincts are ALWAYS right...trust in them more than your boyfriend.
    Good luck, please keep us posted.

     
    Old 08-30-2005, 01:47 PM   #3
    Blasterboy
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    Alcoholism is more about the control and obsession that drink has on someones life than how much they drink. If it costs someone more than money, then they have a problem! It sounds like your boyfriend is in danager of losing his girlfriend and so it could cost him??? One thing that would be somewhat a waste of time is for you to declare him an Alcoholic, someone has to see such for themselves and if he is actually one, he sounds like he's in the early phases of such and highly unlikely to want to change his habits for any long period of time. Bear in mind that Alcoholism is a progressive illness, it always get worse over a period of time, although there may be short period during which things seem to improve.

    I guess for you the most important thing for your future is how you choice to handle this issue.

    Best Wishes in the meantime

    BTW, did you grow up amongst heavy drinkers?

     
    Old 08-30-2005, 02:03 PM   #4
    Soulcatcher
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    I have to agree that he's on his way to a dangerous spot. I used to drink every weekend since I was 20 until 28 and there were times I didn't think I could stop. I finally quit when I was pg with my first child. I went out a few times but once I started I didn't want to stop. Still considered alcohol abuse because I didn't know when to stop. I hate using the term "alcoholic" for your boyfriend but I do think he's abusing it. I would ask him if he could go three months without and for him to seriously try and see what happens. You learn alot about yourself when someone says no more. I was shocked when I got panicked at the thought of no weekend benges.
    No on the other hand my dh was raised with alcohol in his life and he was a a functioning alcoholic like your boyfriend but once I laid down the law and said it had to come to an end, he because abusive...once physically and very verbally he drank more and more and more because he could NOT handle the fact that he had to stop. Too much to write on what I have been through that now envolves kids but he has decided to try and really quit and it's the toughest thing he's ever had to do, dying would be easier. Good luck to you. Don't think you can be his savior but do what you can for as long as you can...if it starts to mess up your life then your going to have to walk away from him and look out for youself. Good luck sweetie.

     
    Old 08-30-2005, 02:22 PM   #5
    sadmomofthree
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    Please read my posts "Advice Needed" and "Things are still bad". I am married to an alcoholic and he was showing the same behaviors as you are describing when we were 23. It kept progressing and getting worse. Hopefully you situation will not be the same but please read my posts...if anything I would love to prevent another person from getting deeply involved in a situation like I find myself in now. Your boyfriend's drinking seems excessive to me and the fact that you are worrying about it only furthers my belief. You are not married, no children ect so please try to open your eyes now before you are living a life like mine. I am only 29 and I feel 80 most days. Please take care and let us know how you are doing and if you talk to him about this.

     
    Old 09-01-2005, 01:37 AM   #6
    single22
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sadmomofthree
    Please read my posts "Advice Needed" and "Things are still bad". I am married to an alcoholic and he was showing the same behaviors as you are describing when we were 23. It kept progressing and getting worse. Hopefully you situation will not be the same but please read my posts...if anything I would love to prevent another person from getting deeply involved in a situation like I find myself in now. Your boyfriend's drinking seems excessive to me and the fact that you are worrying about it only furthers my belief. You are not married, no children ect so please try to open your eyes now before you are living a life like mine. I am only 29 and I feel 80 most days. Please take care and let us know how you are doing and if you talk to him about this.
    Thank you all very much for your replies!

    Although I have only been with this person for 3 months, I do not feel ready to give up on him! - Apart from his drinking (and I know this could turn into a very big thing) things are going really well and I believe he is genuinely a kind, caring and loving person who I feel I want to help!

    I have mentioned to him before about how much he drinks and he often writes it off as social - I asked him lsat night whay he thought he liver looked like and his reply was 'not you as well, my Mum keeps saying that' apparently his Dad used to drink like my boyfriend until he was about 27 and the kids came along and then he just stopped, I think this is what my boyfriend thinks will happen to him, but I'm worried it might not be that easy!

    I certainly wasn't bought up around heavy drinkers, but I think maybe my boyfriend was and therefore he doesn't see it as a problem.

    I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this yet, but I will keep you all informed of any updates.....and thanks again!

     
    Old 09-03-2005, 09:01 PM   #7
    Arememom
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    I really worry about the fact that your boyfriend doesn't remember conversations with you. I would consider that a sign. But the more important question is - What does he think or feel about the lapses in memory ... ??? blackouts. I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. It really helped me to go to Alanon meetings. I agree with another posting to you - Go with your gut instincts. If you're worried then you may already know the answer to your questions. Good luck and let us know how you are. Some of us are here daily.

     
    Old 09-04-2005, 02:10 AM   #8
    Blasterboy
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    Re: Would you say my boyfriend has a drinking problem? advice please?

    Single 22

    I asked whether you grew up around heavy drinkers, because many people who grew up around such tend to favour relationship with heavy drinkers becaue they recognise the behaviour and in some way fell conforted by it.

    As you didn't grow up around such this doesn't directly relate to you, but I still think it's unhealthy that you are prepared to put up with his behavoir. Bear in mind that if he is an alcoholic, many do tend to find that they can control their drinking better in the 1st few months of a new relationship and then BANG the old behaviour and progressive drinking takes off big time!

    This is only my opinion of course and so it might not be entirely relevant to you, so I wish you the best in whichever way you find to deal with and accept your relationship with him.

     
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