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    Old 12-28-2005, 04:57 PM   #1
    MYSISSYGIRLS
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    Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Hi Everyone,

    Ive Got Support And Encouragement Here Before And I Feel Like I Am Actually Going Crazy Right Now.my Nerves Are A Wreck.my Daughter Who Has Been An Addict Is Driving Me Crazy. She Has Been Staying With Us Shes 23 And Has Lost Everything Again.we Have Custody Of Our Granddaughter. Anyway She Was In Withdrawls Most Of Christmas And Stayed In Bed With Fever And All The Rest.on Christmas Eve She Had Someone Deliver Something To Her At Our Home And Wondered Why We Were Upset.my Problem Is Im Just Overwhelmed I Have My 5 Year Old Granddaughter A 10 Year Old Son Still At Home And Im Having A Hysterctomy On The 12th.

    Well Today I Really Got On My Daughter And My 17 Year Old Son Because All They Do Is Get Up In The Morning Drink Coffee,watch Vh1 Smoke Cigarettes And Complain That They Are Here.they Wont Clean,work Nothing.so I Let Them Have It Today.i Tried To Get Across To My Daughter That She Is 23 And Needs To Be Self Sufficient.she Said She Cant Be Because We Wont Give Her A Car,money Etc.she Told Me To Be A Mother To Her I In Turn Told Her That Her Daughter Needs Her Mother.she Went As Far As To Tell Me That Me Having Her Was My Fault.i Dont Know How To Help Her.i Have Always Been There For Her And My Granddaughter Her Father Is An Acholic And Never Raised Her.he Has Helped Her With A Car This Year But She Messed That Up To.she Told Me Today That Her Dad Treated Her Better Than I Did Which Really Hurt Because He Still Owes Me 40000 In Back Child Support From When She Was A Child.he Never Showed Up For Birthdays Nothing When She Was Growing Up.so I Told Her She Could Go Live With Him.its A Shell Of A House With No Drywall And Hes Still A Drunk.
    My Question Is How Do I Stop This Circle Of Blaming? How Far Do You Let Your Child Go.do I Let Her Be Homeless.i Cant Take This Emoitional Stuff Anymore.it Has Been 24-7.i Just Cant Take It Anymore.i Feel Like Im Having A Nervous Breakdown And I Really Need Help Right Now.we Have No Al Anon Or Naranon In Our Area.i Dont Know When Im Letting Her Down And When Im Enabling Her.i Feel Like She Is Putting All The Blame On Me And I Cant Fix This Problem For Her.she Yelled Today That I Havent Found A Detox Center For Her Yet.the Last One She Went To Wont Take Her Back.i Have Tried To Find One I Cant.
    Just Needed To Vent ,thanks For Allowing Me To Come Here For That.
    Tami

     
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    Old 12-28-2005, 05:16 PM   #2
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Hey Tami,
    Sorry to her about your problems. From what you have wrote, I think you have done enough. You have been there for her but at 23 it's time to let her stand on her own two feet. She's a grownup without responsiblities. If she likes daddy more it's probably because he supports her and she his drunkeness. I think it's time to cut the apron strings. Tell her you love her but she has to make it own her own. Let her find a rehab and get serious about cleaning up her act. At 23, it's not your responsibility. Be perpared for backlash...all addicticts blame others. They never take on the truth unless they're ready to change their lives. Facing the truth would be facing their problem. Tami, it's her problem. Her problem is becoming your stress. Think of yourself, your grandchild and your younger son. Stop letting the two older ones walk all over you. This is a lesson for the younger ones or they will learn what they can get away with and you'll have four giving you stress. Best of life....

     
    Old 12-28-2005, 07:42 PM   #3
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    i know what you are going through. first you have to realize YOU are not crazy. then you have to come to the realization that you cannot control your 23 year old daughter....but most of all you cannot let her control you. watching the one you love destroy themself is the hardest thing to go through. but you have to realize by now for an addict, nothing matters but their next hit. they wake up each morning and don't think about coffee, they think about how to get another hit. they can not love like you and i they cannot feel emotions that you think are normal, while they are still using. you can't look at the person that is there with you and think that is your daughter. that is the drug addict. your daughter is gone for awhile and will not return until she is clean. having said that you cannot deal with her as you would deal with your daughter. when that all sinks in, take a breath and look at the situation without the emotional ties and use logic.

    first she is in your house. you are raising her daughter and your son. their needs must come first. you cannot have dealers/"friends" dropping by for anything for the little one's sake. you cannot have potentially lethal drugs around them. she is in YOUR house.

    second, you have to draw the line. you said i believe she got mad because YOU have not found her a detox???? lets think about this, she is 23 years old, IF she wanted help she should be looking.

    now this all has been logic, without emotion. now here is the emotional part. you have to look at her and realize you cannot make her change. you have to LOVE her enough to let her get to her breaking point. when you decide to tell her to get out the key is going to be do it out of love. DO NOT wait until you are mad, because if something happened bad after that you would never forgive yourself. so tell her out of love, not anger and let her go. once you realize you have done all you can without putting the other children at risk, you must let the addict go, because you love your daughter.

    i wish i had had someone to tell me this, because the more i helped my addict, the worse he got.....for both of us. i am no expert, but i have been there and i hope this helps.

    good luck and i will pray for you and your daughter.

    g

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 03:35 PM   #4
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    I feel so terribly bad for you having her under your roof with No gratitude whatsoever. That is so typical of the addict. Its all about mE Me Me and what can you do for me today, you rat? My daughter is forty years old and still on pills and pot. She WAS working until my husband built a house for her to live in; it's been all downhill after that. She got worse, criticized him a lot to the point that even her son badmouths him. I have No Idea what I'd do if they were living with us. Well, my husband would NOT allow it!! They really, really need a strong father around and so many adult children do Not have that these days.
    I know One thing: if some moron came to the door with drugs I would take them and either burn them or flush them so fast your head would spin. THEN I WOULD GRAB A PENCIL AND GET THAT LICENSE NUMBER AND CALL THE COPS. This is totally unacceptable and shows they have NO fear of you at all. Try not to open the door to any strangers; it could be dangerous, first of all. Tell them thru the door to go away and never come back and if they do you will call the authorities. They'll listen.
    It is a possibility that she won't leave your home. What my daughter does is say, "I HATE living in this FREE HOUSE; I WANT TO MOVE. GIVE ME MONEY TO MOVE." They do NOT want us to feel we're doing them any favors.
    You cannot make her happy. All you can do is try your best to find some happiness in your own life. When you are having your operation have you thought she may do drugs in the house? If she does, her friends may all come over and join in. Call 911 and summarize what you think may be happening. the police will raid the place and arrest the entire lot of them.
    God bless us all and especially the innocent children and keep us posted.

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 04:58 PM   #5
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    You Are Exactly Right No Gratitude At All.i Bought Groceries For A Week Today She Has Sit On The Couch And Ate Over Half The Snacks For The Kids This Week.a Whole Big Bag Of Chex Party Mix.i Asked Her To Help Pick Up Around The House And Shes To Sick From Not Having Any Pills.she Has Been Waiting All Day On An Old Boyfriend To Pick Her Up(he Just Got Out Of Prison For Having A Meth Lab)her Other Boyfriend Is In Jail For Beating Her Up.

    My Husband Is Firm But I Have Held Him Back From Really Tearing Into Her And I Wonder Why Do I Do That.i Dont Know.she Walks On Me And I Have To Stop It.i Really Havent Even Been Able To Talk To Her I Am So Upset With Her.

    I Have 4 Children A 25 Year Old Who Is Very Succesful And Is Continuing His Education,my Daughter 23,17 Year Old Son Who Seems To Be Following In Some Of His Sisters Footsteps And A 10 Year Old Son Who Is Just Like His 25 Year Older Brother Very Determined In Life. My Husband And I Dont Do Drugs,drink. We Only Take Medications Were Prescribed.how Can You Raise 4 Kids In The Same Enviroment And Have Them Turn Out So Different.my Oldest 2 Are From My First Marriage And There Dad Is Alcholic And Was Not Really Apart Of There Lives.i Think I Overcompensated In Ways For That But My Eldest Is On A Great Path In Life.

    My Daughter Has Been In Rehab,counseling,nar Anon , You Name It.she Wont Stick With Anything. She Could Get Help From Job & Family Svces With Cash & Foodstamps To Get Her On Her Feet If She Would Go Back To School And Get Her Ged For 4 Hours Aday But She Never Completes Anything.she Just Waits For It To Come To Her And Hates All Of Us When We Dont Hand Over To Her.

    You Guys Are My Life Line Right Now.because This Whole Situation Is Causing Stress At My Home,marriage Every One In The Family Is Affected.even My Mother Who Does Not Live With Me Shes Not In Good Health And Im So Busy With Caring For My Granddaughter And My Daughter That I Have Neglected I Feel My Mother And Put It All On My Sister And Neice.that Leaves Me With Alot Of Guilt.

    Thanks Everyone I Will Be Back.
    Tami

     
    Old 12-29-2005, 07:18 PM   #6
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Tami...

    you did NOTHING to MAKE her an addict....STOP beating youself to a pulp and beating your head against the wall trying to discover where YOU went wrong....

    My advice, for what it's worth...either let your husband tear into her or put a boot in her backside and show her the door....

    Perhaps you could ask yourself this?....if she were clean and sober, had NEVER touched drugs etc...would you be allowing her to treat you like this and act this way in your home?

    Angel
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    Old 12-30-2005, 03:49 AM   #7
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Tami

    Blaming yourself is wasted energy! I have 2 children. My older son is 26 and in his 3rd year of grad school. He works full time and is so wonderful. My daughter is a pain in the rear... She doesn't want to do anything. Is mean and bi---y. It's always someone elses fault!!! Everything she touches goes wrong etc. So my point is that both of them were raised in the same house with the same 2 parents and they couldn't be more different. It is just personalities-very different personalities. It is not your fault. It has taken me many years to realize this and your daughter will continue to run over you until YOU stop it. Not anyone else. She is waiting for your direction. Give it!!!!!!!!!!! It is time for her to leave. Believe me she will fiqure it out. You are putting your other children(and granddaughter) in jeopardy.

    What about online meeting for yourself?

    Vicky
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    Old 12-30-2005, 06:03 AM   #8
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    This is my first post to this forum....I don't have the energy to write all that I could....could write for days...but let's just say I am in the same boat pretty much as this poster with the addicted daughter. I too have one at home...she's 28 and has a diagnosis of being bipolar as well, though I think it may be something else...I have no clue anymore.

    My question......how do you get someone out of the house? Let's say you finally reach that point where they have to leave. I too have a husband who has had it with her and I sort of try to hold him back and that's because I'm so afraid of the scene it will cause if we try to forcefully throw her out...it could get so bad that he refuses to ever see her again or have her in the house. I can't see her leaving peacefully....she's not violent or anything, just argumentative in that way they have of being argumentative but I know she's been violent with other people and has destroyed property, that type thing.

     
    Old 12-30-2005, 08:53 AM   #9
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jaeco
    This is my first post to this forum....I don't have the energy to write all that I could....could write for days...but let's just say I am in the same boat pretty much as this poster with the addicted daughter. I too have one at home...she's 28 and has a diagnosis of being bipolar as well, though I think it may be something else...I have no clue anymore.

    My question......how do you get someone out of the house? Let's say you finally reach that point where they have to leave. I too have a husband who has had it with her and I sort of try to hold him back and that's because I'm so afraid of the scene it will cause if we try to forcefully throw her out...it could get so bad that he refuses to ever see her again or have her in the house. I can't see her leaving peacefully....she's not violent or anything, just argumentative in that way they have of being argumentative but I know she's been violent with other people and has destroyed property, that type thing.
    HI,
    I AM THE POSTER AND I THINK WE ARE LIVING THE SAME LIFE.I FEEL FOR YOU ALSO.IM AM GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I DONT EVEN WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.BECAUSE ITS THE SAME EVERYDAY WALKING ON NEEDLES TO AVOID HER ERUPTIONS.MINE IS ALSO ARGUMENTATIVE,SOME TIMES EVIL.SHE HAS SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL ONCE WHEN SHE PUSHED ME OUT OF HER APARTMENT WHEN SHE HAD ONE AND I HAD TO HAVE STITCHES IN MY HEAD.IM GETTING NO HELP FROM CHILDREN SERVICES WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER.I HAVE SURGERY COMING UP AND DONT KNOW HOW IM EVEN GONA CARE FOR HER.BUT I CANT LET HER GO TO FOSTER CARE.MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS ONLY 5 BUT HAS THE SAME TEMPER TANTRUMS HER MOTHER HAS AND FINDS BLAME IN EVERYONE ELSE.SHE HAS LEARNED WELL FROM HER MOTHER.I AM AT MY ENDS ROPE.MY HUSBAND DOESNT EVEN WANT TO COME HOME FROM WORK.BY THE TIME I GO TO BED I AM SHAKING FROM ALL THAT I HAVE DEALT WITH EVERY SINGLE DAY.
    I FEEL FOR YOU AND I COULD ALSO WRITE FOR DAYS ON WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH WITH HER.
    TAKE CARE AND KEEP POSTING ITS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
    TAMI

     
    Old 12-30-2005, 10:07 PM   #10
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    How do you get them out of your home?....tell them "pack up you are no longer welcome here", if that doesn't work, call the local police station and ask to have an officer come out and escort her off the property...

    I know it sounds harsh, but only SHE can get sober, as long as you are offering her free rent, free food, free rides and making ALL the arrangements for her detox, then she hasn't hit bottom, rolled around there for awhile, gotten dirty, taken inventory and can finally begin the SLOW process of clawing her way inch by inch to the top again....

    Yes, she will whine scream and swear she hates you...UNTIL she finds her way and sees you LOVED her enough to PUSh her in the right direction...

    Angel
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    Old 12-31-2005, 01:40 AM   #11
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Hi, I am struggling with a bit of insomnia tonight and ran accross your post. I wanted to quickly tell you a little story.

    When I was 23 years old I was strung out on drugs, living a dangerous lifestyle & draining my parents dry of love, patience, money and time. I had a one year old son I couldn't take care of adequately because I was so strung out, selfish, sick and drug addicted.

    Just like you my parents had seen enough and yet felt so helpless because they didn't know what to do. From an addicts perspective I can tell you at the time I didn't give a rip who I was hurting - my entire life revolved around getting drugs, using drugs and getting more drugs. My parents yelled, screamed, cried, threatened, begged, manipulated, pushed, pulled, pleaded and prayed. But no amount of words would have ever convinced me to change. I had no consequences for my actions and therefore I had no reason to stop.

    One day they loaded me up in the car, drove me to a local detox and rehab center, and drug me into the counselors office. If I had run away or refused to go, they would have had me arrested. They left me sitting there in the drug rehab center with my suitcase & five dollars in quarters and then they walked away. Before leaving they told me - "Don't come back home because you are not welcome anymore. If you show up at our house we will have you arrested." I sat there and watched them walk away with my one year old. Finally, I guess I had some consequences.

    Things could have worked out much different. If I had been allowed to continue on the way I was I would be dead today and there is no doubt in my mind about that. I certainly could have walked out of there and gone to the streets, to a boyfriends, or to the dealers house...but I didn't. I was angry and uncooperative with the rehab staff but I was convinced that I would spend a few days there to show my family I did what they asked and then I could go home and continue to use my drugs.

    Fourty seven days later I came out of that rehab a different person.

    I cannot guarantee that it will work out the same way with your daughter. I can tell you that simply by giving her a place to lay her head, food to eat, tolerance of her bad behavior and resources for basic survival you enable her to stay the same. Why change? She has no reason to get better or to want to get better.

    Somewhere inside of me there was a normal, sane, decent person with alot of potential to live a happy productive life. But in order to find her I had to go through alot. Your daughter is sick in a way that you can't possibly understand. It is a sickness that takes over your soul and destroys the real person inside. She can get better, but she must want to get better. In order to want to change there must be some reason to want it - there must be some consequences. But one word of advice - don't threaten her if you aren't prepared to back it up. Lay it out and then stand behind it.

    I can only imagine how hard it was for my parents to do that to me and at the time I hated them for it. But truly it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

     
    Old 12-31-2005, 08:21 AM   #12
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Tami....

    I fear my responses have sounded somewhat harsh.....Unfortunatly or maybe it was fortunate, both my parents had passed away, before my addiction raised it's ugly head...so they were spared the torture of having to Love me through it all.

    I too was spared the shame of having to lie cheat and steal from the people who loved me the most....I never got the chance to devestate their lives...instead, it was my 4 precious children who suffered...they had no loving grandparents to take them in and protect them, they had to endure every second of the hell I put them through.

    I have been clean and sober since April of this year....this christmas was the first sober christmas for my kids....I asked my 10 yr old on christmas day, if he was having a good christmas?...he told me..."all the kids at school say there is no santa mom and some say there is no god either, but I know there is...because today you smiled all day long and that was one of the things I asked them both for"...

    I believe you mentioned your daughter having a child???...if you cannot put your foot down for yourself and your husband...PLEASE, do it for her child...my kids will be in therapy for YEARS, for what I have put them through, for what they have seen and endured.....

    Angel
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    Old 12-31-2005, 10:07 AM   #13
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    My son has been clean from heroin for 11 months. He is 24 years old. He was living with me when I found his heroin and gave him the choice of getting clean or getting out. I wish I had done it sooner but I thought he was spaced out from all the prescriptions his psychiatrist had him on including oxycontin. He got clean because he knew I was serious. Now he is in Florida living his life's dream. Tough love is so hard but I know I would have put him out on the street because I had to save my life too. I had lost it to his addiction. I couldn't sleep and was so depressed. Your daughter will never appreciate you until she is clean. My son called me the other day to tell me he talked to his ex girlfriend on the phone and to tell me she was doing heroin again. He told me her parents should kick her out of the house because she wouldn't ever get clean otherwise. It was nice to hear him say that. He really does understand why I did what I did.

     
    Old 12-31-2005, 03:08 PM   #14
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by bent_halo
    Tami....

    I fear my responses have sounded somewhat harsh.....Unfortunatly or maybe it was fortunate, both my parents had passed away, before my addiction raised it's ugly head...so they were spared the torture of having to Love me through it all.

    I too was spared the shame of having to lie cheat and steal from the people who loved me the most....I never got the chance to devestate their lives...instead, it was my 4 precious children who suffered...they had no loving grandparents to take them in and protect them, they had to endure every second of the hell I put them through.

    I have been clean and sober since April of this year....this christmas was the first sober christmas for my kids....I asked my 10 yr old on christmas day, if he was having a good christmas?...he told me..."all the kids at school say there is no santa mom and some say there is no god either, but I know there is...because today you smiled all day long and that was one of the things I asked them both for"...

    I believe you mentioned your daughter having a child???...if you cannot put your foot down for yourself and your husband...PLEASE, do it for her child...my kids will be in therapy for YEARS, for what I have put them through, for what they have seen and endured.....

    Angel
    angel,
    GOD HAS BLESSED YOU WITH STRENGTH.I DONT KNOW YOU BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU ARE LIVING A CLEAN LIFE.MY GRANDDAUGHTER I MADE SURE HAD A VERY GOOD CHRISTMAS WITH ALL TRADITIONS OF LOOKING AT LIGHTS AND VISITING SANTA.UNFORNUTALEY HER MOTHER LAID IN BED AND THAT TOOK AWAY ALOT OF WHAT I GAVE HER.
    I AM MEETING WITH CHILDREN SERVICES TUESDAY TO GIVE THEM UPDATE ON MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE WONT DEAL WITH THEM.IM GONA BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH THEM.
    I AM SO GLAD YOUR LITTLE BOY GOT WHAT HE WISHED FOR THIS YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS. PLEASE DONT FEEL YOUVE BEEN TO HARSH ON HERE WITH ME EVERYONE HERE GIVES ME STRENGTH TO GO ON AND WORDS THAT HELP ME NOT TO FEEL LIKE IM THE CRAZY ONE.
    HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEARS
    TAMI

     
    Old 01-01-2006, 03:40 PM   #15
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    Re: Addicted Daughter Im Going Crazy

    "How do you get them out of your home?....tell them "pack up you are no longer welcome here", if that doesn't work, call the local police station and ask to have an officer come out and escort her off the property..."

    May I also add, get a restraining order to keep her away. If she comes a knocking, call the police and have her arrested.
    Drugs and booze ruins the lives of everyone that is involved, not just the addict. It's time to let your younger son and granddaughter have a healthy life. You and your husband also deserve it. Best of life....good luck

    Last edited by Njoylife; 01-01-2006 at 03:41 PM.

     
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