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    Old 01-20-2006, 06:12 PM   #1
    jentracy
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    my husband can't quit smoking weed

    This is my first time posting...I have been reading other's stories that sound so familiar and I just needed to write. I have been married for 3 years...we got married young, he 21 and myself 19. Then, we were both still in our "troubled partying" days, we both did our fair share of drugs. ...To make a long story short, I became pregnant...quit doing drugs...and never started again after I had my son. My husband, on the other hand, while he quit doing other drugs...never quit smoking weed. He has been in trouble numerous times...after 100 hours of community service, several $1000s, and some classes he was forced to take by the judge...he was able to quit smoking for the 2 years he was on probation. The DAY he got off probation (2 years ago) he wanted to smoke, "just this once" since he "was free". And of course, like any addict, "just this once" soon progressed on. Now...2 years later, he is still smoking...everday...several times a day. He tells me he will stop "on our son's 3rd birthday"...that passes...he will stop "after the new year"...that passes. It is never ending. He says he just can't stop. It frustrates me that smoking weed is SO important to him. ALL of his friends smoke, and I don't think he will ever be able to quit while the temptation is always there. I am so torn...because of the fact that he smoked when we met 9 years ago, am I wrongly trying to change him? Or am I justified for wanting to leave that lifestyle behind us now that we have a child, and responsibilities? Thanks for reading...

     
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    Old 01-20-2006, 08:39 PM   #2
    VeryTired
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    Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    Yes, I think you are correct for wanting to leave that behind. It's a sad life, full of expense and danger and paranoia. I wonder all the time why I can't stay away from it.

     
    Old 01-20-2006, 08:49 PM   #3
    pizzalady
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    Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    I am in a similar position. I am the original poster of "My Husband is addicted to Marijuanna". When me and my H met almost 20 years ago, he was in his party hey day. I have never done drugs, they just never appealed to me and I chose not to go there. Anyway, yes he smoked pot but so did a lot of my friends. Most peoplego through a phase and grow out of it and lead normal productive lives. But not my H or yours, because they are addicted and cant stop.

    Hanging out with people who smoke will make it impossible. They say "these are my friends". Are they really? Take away the weed and what do you have in common with them? My guess is absolutely nothing. It is the weed that is the relationships bond, not real friendship. Just like my H's affair. It was all about the pot...as long as she smoked pot, she could have been anyone, since I did not approve of his addiction.

    It gets worse, trust me! He has to stop and he needs help to stop. He has to want to stop. Does he want to be 40 years old like my H and still smoking, being a slave to an addiction? And what about you? Do you want to be with someone who is more inlove with their weed than thay are with you? They start to not feel anything for anyone. You eventually become the only one in your marriage, because they are so fried that they are not there, even when they are there. It is so very lonely and very painful...I know because this is my life! Dont hold your breath and wait that he will give it up on his own...I have been waiting for the 15 years! What a waste of my life.

    And what about the poor children in all of this. They dont think of them and you basically become a single parent even though youre married. And the older the children get, the harder it is to hide what daddy's doing. This is when you start to get really conflicted...do you stay and let the children think that this the way things should be, that's it ok to go through life stoned. Or do you get out before it's too late and they end up potheads just like dear old dad? This is where I am at right now! Difficult decision to make when you really love someone. But I keep telling myself, he is not even in this relationship...he is in love with his pot so why am I still here? I used to say it for the kids because they need both parents. But just like our marriage, he is not there for the kids either!

    So again, why am I still here? Good question! It's called being codependent. Because addiction effects the entire family. It errodes your self esteem, and you become and enabler, never sticking up for yourself and you let them step all over the boundaries, because you are always put down and made to feel unimportant in the relationship...you have no say...it's his way or the highway! The pot is omnipotent..it's all that matters to him. It wasnt always that way, but that's how it ends up. You cannot save him...you have to do what is best for you and the child, because he wont...he cant!

    This is my truth. You may see things differently. But If could go back in time before my H became addicted, I would have left if I knew this was my future.

    Carol~

    Last edited by pizzalady; 01-20-2006 at 08:51 PM.

     
    Old 01-21-2006, 09:19 AM   #4
    jentracy
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    Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    Thanks so much for reading...and taking the time to write back. It helps so much to know that I am not alone. I always wonder if this is just a phase and will pass by...but hearing that you have waited 15 years...I don't know. My husband says he wants to quit...but does he really? He keeps buying it...he keeps constantly going around it. And you are right, I don't want our son growing up wondering what daddy is doing...or worse...knowing what he is doing and thinking it is okay.

     
    Old 01-21-2006, 10:13 AM   #5
    dream life
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    Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jentracy
    This is my first time posting...I have been reading other's stories that sound so familiar and I just needed to write. I have been married for 3 years...we got married young, he 21 and myself 19. Then, we were both still in our "troubled partying" days, we both did our fair share of drugs. ...To make a long story short, I became pregnant...quit doing drugs...and never started again after I had my son. My husband, on the other hand, while he quit doing other drugs...never quit smoking weed. He has been in trouble numerous times...after 100 hours of community service, several $1000s, and some classes he was forced to take by the judge...he was able to quit smoking for the 2 years he was on probation. The DAY he got off probation (2 years ago) he wanted to smoke, "just this once" since he "was free". And of course, like any addict, "just this once" soon progressed on. Now...2 years later, he is still smoking...everday...several times a day. He tells me he will stop "on our son's 3rd birthday"...that passes...he will stop "after the new year"...that passes. It is never ending. He says he just can't stop. It frustrates me that smoking weed is SO important to him. ALL of his friends smoke, and I don't think he will ever be able to quit while the temptation is always there. I am so torn...because of the fact that he smoked when we met 9 years ago, am I wrongly trying to change him? Or am I justified for wanting to leave that lifestyle behind us now that we have a child, and responsibilities? Thanks for reading...
    I know you are frustrated and honestly, I don't blame you for being ready to just leave it all behind... there comes a time when we must grow up and move on from those silly things we did when we were younger. But it sonds like your husband has not been ready to do so, and it's because he is addicted to smoking. You are right, if he continues to hang with the same old crowd - he is doing to do the same old things. How can you sit around while your friends smoke, when you are addicted to smoking, and not want to smoke?! Impossible. What really saddens me is that he keeps telling you that he will stop - but you KNOW it's all a lie. I went through this myself with my ex, and guess what? I turned into an addict (to something else, but none the less, an addict) myself! How pathetic is that? Luckily, I realized I had to stop doing this... and here I am, day 12 - clean & plan to stay that way!

    I don't feel it's that you are trying to CHANGE him, you just don't like having drugs being a part of your life - even if it's not you driectly using them. Your husband is using and I would assume it's in your house and you probably don't feel comfortable with that, esp having a child to think about.

    If your husband keeps saying he WANTS to quit - then tell him straight up, it's time for you to know that he MEANS what he is saying to you and stop lying about it. Because that's what he is doing... lying to you. At first, it might have seemed like he wasn't LYING... but after years and years of blatantly saying he WANTS to stop - yet continues on knowing it hurts you and you don't agree with it... it's not fair to you. You guys live together, are married and have a child - this is not only about HIM, it's about the 3 of you and he needs to be reminded of that. Most of the things he does are going to affect you and this one is very negative to you and to your son. It's totally understandable that you don't want this around him anymore... eventually he will grow up and figure out what dad is doing. One reason that was plenty good enough for me to make my choice to clean up my life... I also have a child. I don't want my child wondering what I am doing or learning anything like this from me! I think about how I would feel if she was doing what I was doing - I would be absolutely HORRIFIED and scared for her. How can I sit there and do something that I wouldn't want my child doing? It feels so hypocritical - so I am done!

    You need to tell your husband EXACTLY how you feel... not just tell him you want him to quit because he already knows that. You need to tell him how it affects you and makes you feel - esp. emotionally, how it affects you and his son, how it could have a huge impact on him when he is older, how it affects your fianancial situation... everything. Lay it all out on the line... let him know that you know he will say ok I want to quit, too - but you tell him that he NEEDS to! Tell him you are willing to help him get help to quit... there are meetings he could go to that you could go with him to support him! There are ways to do this together so he's not scared of being alone. Just remember... you can't MAKE him do it, even if he says he wants to. He really has to DO IT.

    I hope for your and your son's sake that he does!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ~DL

     
    Old 01-21-2006, 08:49 PM   #6
    pizzalady
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    Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    I think talking to your H and telling him exactly how you feel and how it affects you and the child are all fine and well. It could help, but they have a really hard time seeing through that "pot fog". I have done this on numerous occasions. My H sees it as nagging. And besides, your H know how you feel and he has promised to quit, which means he gets it, but he just cant do it because he is addicted. He has to get away form those pot buddies of his for sure though or he will never quit! But since he is addicted and he know he cant quit in his own ask him if he will get into an outpatient drug rehab program. If that doesnt work try getting him into counseling. And if you cant get him to go then go yourself. That's what I am doing. I am going to a drug addiction counselor/marriage counselor. I have found it VERY helpful and empowering. If nothing else works, and I hate to even suggest this and it should be used only once and as a last resort: Tell him you and the child are leaving if he doesnt get help and stop smoking pot. The hard part...you have to mean it and be willing to carry out the threat. I dont think you're ready for that, you still have other options you havent tried yet. But dont waste your life waiting for him to stop. Dont be like me. 15 years is one heck of a phase and HUGE chunk of your life! I hope he wakes up, the pot fog clears and realizes what he has to lose.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 09:15 PM   #7
    cjww
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    Unhappy Re: my husband can't quit smoking weed

    Hi,
    I know what you mean my H has had 2 DUI and gone to treatment, did his jail time and continues to want his buzz. In jail they didn't give him his cardio drugs and now the doc can't get his heart back right. He can't work and hasn't for over a year. He is really not using at this time since he can't drive until Dec 08 and has learned his friends aren''t his friends.... yes now we add DEPRESSION. I have started Al-Anon to help myself but I feel awful..

    Last edited by cjww; 12-29-2007 at 09:16 PM. Reason: spelling

     
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