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  • My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Old 03-18-2008, 02:20 AM   #1
    wisteria63
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    My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I need help. My husband of 11 years has become the man I never wanted. We have two beautiful children that are both doing very well in school and achieving all honors, they are only 7 and 9, and I am so scared for them right now because I can't handle my husbands drinking habits and he told me tonight that he wants a divorce because of the way I handle his drinking habits. He drinks a minimum of 12 to 14 beers a day. He doesn't get violent and holds down a job, but I can't stand the fact that I can't have a relationship with him without it. We came up with a plan that he wouldn't drink two days out of 7 and his reward would be sex with me, well that hasn't worked yet. I can't bare to lay down with him any more because he is always drinking, he on the other hand can do it I think with anyone when he's like that. My standards and morals are completely different than his and that fact that he's a man and I woman might have something to do with that too. Anyway, he is just coming off another addiction that he finally admitted to and that was pain pills, for the past five years he has been living a double life and I always knew something was up, finding empty pill bottles every where with the labels torn off. We just spent over a thousand dollars that we didn't have for his recovery, well he's replacing it now with beer, 12 to 14 a day, everyday. It's expensive and uninviting to me. Because I am having a problem with all of this it has affected my sex drive (love) for him he needs s nd I can't give it and now he wants a divorce because I am not doing something that I don't feel comfortable doing. I have asked him to give me uple sober days once in awhile and maybe that would help but he refuses to do that, he can't. I don't know what to do, my children adore him and see no wrong in him because he never gets violent and acts like a kid when he drinks, a big toy to play with while I clean the house. I feel so alone and unloved by him. he has spent so much money on himself as well. We don't even have a savings account but yet he always manages to but leather jackets, boots, watches, knives, guns, fishing equipment, etc.... He always rewarding himself, I am lucky if I get a card on my birthday.
    I could go further but I am tired and need input from someone else right now, please tell me what I should do. Sorry for the spelling erros.

     
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    Old 03-18-2008, 05:14 AM   #2
    SpinalMalady
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hi Wisteria:

    I just wanted to tell you that I can empathize with what you are going through. I lost a brother at the age of 33 to alcohol. And it was NOT because of a car crash, or something similar...it was due to chirosis of the liver. He was also a functional alcoholic, meaning he held a job, till the last couple of years of his life.

    Have you tried Al-Anon? It was a giant help for my family and I (and I am the baby of seven). My entire family went through counseling in order to try to do whatever it took to save my brother. Unfortunately, the disease was bigger than he was.

    I watched him literally put my father to an early death, and age my mother prematurely simply from the stress. I watched his children take another man's name through adoption when their mother re-married later in life! OUCH, that so hurt.

    Here's the kicker. The only thing he EVER drank was BEER. Never wine or hard liquor. In his mind it was justifiable, because it wasn't the "hard stuff", therefore, he must not have a problem. The first time he tried to stop on his own, he had a GRAND-MAL seizure.

    What you have to decide is what YOU want to do with your life and for the children. It's tough to decide to throw away a marriage, but if it is for both of your betterment, then so be it. It may be a wake up call to him to see he lost something he treasures becuase of alcohol. Then again, he may not. Right now he's playing the blame game. It's YOUR fault that YOU can't handle his drinking. Don't let him get away with that. Don't let yourself feel guilty over that type of thinking. You have a right to a safe, healthy environment for both yourself and your children.

    It took me a VERY long time to process the fact that it was HIS (my brother's) problem with alcohol and not mine. I did not/would not touch the stuff for three years after his death thinking I would BECOME that person.

    Good luck to you. Do what YOU need to do for self preservation, and don't spend one second feeling guilty for it. I will say a prayer for your husband, but more importantly for you and the children that you can do whatever it is that you need to do to move forward in recovery.

    God Bless.
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    Old 03-18-2008, 08:37 AM   #3
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Wiseteria63,
    Have you tried talking to him when he's sober? I'm not sure how long this beer drinking binge has been going on, but there is hope that he can recognize it as a problem based on the fact that he once recognized he had a problem with pills. If he holds a job, he must be sober at work right? Can you send him the link to your post on the message boards while he's at work?
    He might get angry, or think that none of us know the "whole story" bc we only read your side of it, but that will just be the addiction talking. Somewhere inside of him he knows he has an addictive personality.
    You've already been through a lot with him. You've stayed by his side through some rough times. But, when I heard you say "I'm lucky if I even get a birthday card from him." , my heart really hurt for you. At some point, and I"m not sure when that will be for you, you have to be your own best friend, and do what is right for you. You can try your best to open his eyes, but after that you have to come to learn, that like the other post said...it's not you, or your issue with alcohol, its his. Alanon could really be great for you. Remember that you are worth way more than even a birthday card, and you have rights. You do not have to go to bed with him when he's drunk, you do not have to blame yourself for these problems in the relationship. I wish you luck and I will pray for you and your husband.

     
    Old 03-18-2008, 04:26 PM   #4
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you so much for your very intelligent information, I suddenly don't feel alone, I appreciate your time, now do you have a magic wand?
    Wisteria63

     
    Old 03-18-2008, 04:29 PM   #5
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you so much for reading my profile, I am going to look into Alanon, I need positive people, with no beer breath.
    Thank you again,
    Wisteria63

     
    Old 03-18-2008, 04:32 PM   #6
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I also am very sorry for the death of your brother, it's hard to understand how a substance can take over your life and will power, I was blessed not to have that in my DNA, how I was missed I am not sure, everyone in my family does something to keep them going through life, all I need are my children and hopefully a sober husband someday.
    Thanks again,
    Wisteria

    Last edited by wisteria63; 03-18-2008 at 04:36 PM. Reason: not finished

     
    Old 03-19-2008, 04:33 PM   #7
    SpinalMalady
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wisteria63 View Post
    I also am very sorry for the death of your brother,
    Wisteria

    Thank you so much Wisteria. God Bless and much luck to you. You definitely have been in my prayers.
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    Old 03-19-2008, 10:21 PM   #8
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am so sorry to read of your problems. While I haven't experienced this with a spouse, my dad was the same way your husband is (sans pills). When we were little, he was never violent, but as the years progressed he started to become a mean drunk and my sister and I hated to have friends over, didn't do well in school anymore, etc...

    The advice of alanon is good. My mom went to the meetings a lot when we were teens, but we refused to go to any counseling, we had just wanted to block out our problems and not admit them to anyone.

    Your husband may not be violent now, but I'd look ahead and you not only have to think of yourself, but of your children. I would try talking to him again when he was sober and give him an ultimatum if need be.

    Good luck, this situation can never be easy.

    Maggie

     
    Old 03-20-2008, 05:03 AM   #9
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you so much for your reply. I am definitely going to check out Alanon, I need friends and advise right now more than ever, I need to keep my myself and my children sain some how. I hope your life is good for you now, you deserve to be happy like anyone else. I am so glad that I have found this message board, this will help me tremendously.
    God Bless you too.
    Wisteria63

     
    Old 03-20-2008, 11:23 PM   #10
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    We are doing well now. Many years ago my mom gave my dad the ultimatum and she followed through. He wouldn't stop drinking, so she moved out and got her own apartment. She stayed gone for a little over a year, but they talked through a lot of things and before she moved back, he stopped the drinking. Our family dynamic was also effected by my fathers service as a United States Marine who served in heavy combat in Vietnam. He has a lot of ghosts and demons that haunt him to this day and that contributed to his drinking.

    He finally went into a PTSD intreatment program at the local VA and is doing a lot better. A lot of his problems were because of depression and he is now on a lot of medications (some for PTSD and others for the many neck, back and shoulder surgeries he had since retiring) and he is also not drinking because of the medications. My sister and I still joke (we can laugh about it now) about coming home late from a party during high school and being met by a dark house and a figure at the top of the stairs with a rifle asking "friend or foe". I know it's not a joking matter, but we know now that it was part of his disease.

    I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that it can get better, but you may need to be the one to make the first move, he won't do anything about his drinking until he can admit that he is the one with the problem.

    Have a good night!

    Maggie

     
    Old 03-22-2008, 06:40 AM   #11
    wisteria63
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    Smile Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, I think I will have to make the first move but I am not sure if that will help him, but it might my children and I. He has told me in the past that if I weren't around to complain that he would do more of what he's doing because he enjoys it and doesn't think it's wrong. It is a nightmare everyday that I come home from work. Sure dinner is made for the children but I don't have a relationship with him at all any more. He says I have changed and he hasn't, that he is the man that he was when I met him, I don't recall that, if I knew what I know now I would have never gotten myself into this. Now it's not just me any more that I have to think about and care for. I am running out of time and patients, I am giving it until the end of this school year and I plan to tell him this tonight. I don't think he will ever stop unless something horrible happens and me leaving is not horrible, it's freedom for him.
    We will see I guess.
    Thank you for being there for me. I am so glad that you are doing better. How did it affect you when your Mom left your Dad as a child? Were you upset and mad at your Mom?
    Wisteris63

     
    Old 03-22-2008, 08:19 AM   #12
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Good luck with your talk with your husband about this. You and your kids needs are important also and you can't take a backseat and be miserable just because he won't admit that there is a problem. From what you've told me, it sounds like he may be in denial about his drinking.

    My mom didn't leave when we were kids, but how would've it effected us? That I can't say for sure, but I do know that we wish she would have left him so that we all would've been happier and not so scared to be around him. As a parent, it's your job to take care of your children and if you think that his drinking is going to effect them and feel that you need to make some changes, then do it. If you do end up leaving, you should be as honest as possible about things and explain why you are doing it. Nothing is ever easy on kids, but they are quite resilient.

    Keep us posted. Happy Easter!

     
    Old 03-23-2008, 05:17 AM   #13
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Happy Easter to you as well. The talk didn't go over too well. Last night was one of his worse drunks, the kids were scared because he was walking into walls and all along trying to make them laugh. He told me he will try but not until next week, it's a horrible thing for ANYONE to go through, I will figure it out somehow.
    Thanks again,
    Wisteria63

     
    Old 03-23-2008, 06:51 AM   #14
    diamondgirl19
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Is there any place that you and your kids can go until next week (when he starts trying)? If you have a family member you can stay with, I would pack up the kids and disappear until he starts trying to take control of his life. There is no reason why you and your children should be subject to his behavior. By leaving, you are sending a message to him that you aren't going to stick around and watch him destroy himself and the family you have created together. You owe this to your kids to not expose them to a drunk man that is frightening them.

    If you can't leave, you need to find a way to make him realize how imperative it is for him to stop drinking or he could be destroying his family.

    I know this is easier said than done but you are in a very dangerous situation for yourself and your kids. I wish you much luck.

     
    Old 03-23-2008, 01:08 PM   #15
    wisteria63
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    Re: My Life With Busch Beer, Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you, I thought of that too but came up with nothing. I will comeout of the this hell hole somehow.
    Thank you,
    Wisteria63

     
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