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HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

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Old 04-22-2012, 05:00 PM   #1
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patricia0412 HB User
HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

My partner is 30 and has a drink problem since his teens. When we met 3 years ago I didn't realise his problem was so bad he holds down a job i thought it was just bit of issue at weekends when i noticed the problem. He gradually got worse and is a nasty drunk with the most vulgar mouth the complete opposite of him sober.
We have tried treatment centres he never finished them. He doesn't truly believe he has a problem He says he isn't an alcoholic is just loves drinking.
He has got in trouble over an assault he done while drunk and after this happened was when he seemed to accept there was a problem and try quit. After months of few weeks sober and then a binge. There was a massive 3week binge which left me at my wits end i got him signed into hospital for medical detox and with hard work he stayed sober 6 months.
But the first night i let my guard down and went away over night he drank. And has continued to do so every chance permitted. 2 weeks ago he went on a 4 day binge and as usual was sorry promised to go to AA etc but went drinking again this weekend.
I really don't know what to my head says leave him but my heart can't give up on him. He has a huge problem with going to AA and has an excuse for everything. And doesn't believe anything he is told he done while drunk. Is he beyond help and just lying to me for a quiet life knowing Im there.
Any help greatly appreciated Im totally out of my depth.

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Old 04-22-2012, 07:47 PM   #2
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

Patricia, welcome to the Boards, lots of great folks here who can give you great information. Unfortunately until your partner is ready to admit he has a problem, there's not alot you can do to help him. Alcoholism/Addiction is not something that you can fight for him and until he hits rock bottom and decides he's ready to not have his life ruled by a bottle, he probably won't get help. It sounds like you've tried pretty hard to get him to change, but you can see that him not being fully engaged is a problem. I went through this with my husband for 26 years, he never would get help...I finally said enough and got a divorce, but he had progressed to physical violence and I live with enough daily pain, I wasn't going there. You have to make a choice, how you want to live your life and what kind of person you want to live it with, that may be the choice that needs to be made.

Take care,


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Matt221 (05-10-2012)
Old 04-23-2012, 03:13 PM   #3
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Smile Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

My wife went to a support group for people who have an alcoholic in there life.She met very understanding people there and found a friend that she can call anytime to get advice.It was called alanon.It wouldnt hurt to check it out.She really liked it.Good luck

Old 05-07-2012, 06:26 AM   #4
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bolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

I was exactly like your partner and eventually my wife asked me to leave which I did and that relationship eventually ended in divorce. I drank and drugged for the next 20 yrs. I,d stop and get clean from time to time, detox, AA but never really committed to the whole sobriety thing. I,ve allways managed to hold down a job through it all allthough with a lot of lying to employers because I,d be to sick to show up sometimes. My point is that you have a hard decision to make. I would,nt say this for years but my ex wife made the right decision when it came to our relationship. If you decide to stay with this guy at the very least check out Alanon. I wish you luck in whatever you do.

Old 05-10-2012, 06:36 AM   #5
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Matt221 HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

Wish you luck, have patience and don't give up

Old 05-15-2012, 05:00 AM   #6
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bolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

Good morning, Was just wondering how your making out?

Old 05-15-2012, 09:53 AM   #7
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Liberty2012 HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

I was in a similar position very recently. This was my second relationship with an alcoholic. The first one lasted 9 years, but the second one lasted only four months. This was because I had learned some lessons from the first, but just not quite enough to keep me from making the mistake of getting involved in the second. Now it's finally registered with me, and there won't be a third.

Alcoholics have an overpowering compulsion to drink. AA can help a lot if a person is committed to attending as many meetings as physically possible, surrounding themselves with people in recovery, and finding themselves a good sponsor whom they like and trust. They also need to be prepared to really really work hard on the 12 steps. Recovery must be the number one priority in their life. If they are swanning in and out of meetings and half-heartedly involved in the process, then they are either not ready to get well, or they don't understand the program. If it is the latter, they probably think AA, or the people in it, are going to work some miracle that will take away the inconvenience and disruption that alcohol is causing in their lives, allowing them to carry on as normal. This is not how it works!

For whatever reason (a disease, chemical imbalance, inner turmoil...who knows), along with the overpowering compulsion to drink comes the belief in the alcoholic's mind that drinking is the best possible thing for them to do at the time. They may feel that they have no other option, or that this time will be the last time, or whatever, but they make that choice because at that moment in time it is exactly want they want to do.

Can you imagine if you really really wanted to do something, and people requested that you didn't, tried to put obstacles in your way, tried to trick you out of it, monitored you 24/7 so that you couldn't, begged and nagged you not to, and threatened to leave you if you did (even though you knew they'd never do that because they obviously care too much about you)? It would be frustrating, and that's how I believe an alcoholic in active addiction sees those who are trying to get them to stop drinking. They just want people to butt out of their business and let them do what they want to do. They will use whatever means necessary to get you off their back, ie. lies, manipulation, guilt!

So this is where rock bottom comes in. It has been proven time and time again that it is only when a person loses everything and everyone (or, less often, just one thing that is important enough to them as everyone's rock bottom is different), that they begin to see the damage their choices are causing to their lives. It is only when things fall apart completely and the alcoholic is really ready to admit to themselves that they are powerless over alcohol and their life has become unmanageable, that they will get what they need from an AA meeting, accept gracefully the help they are being offered, and commit to the 12 Step program. In doing that they may get the tools they need to deal with their thoughts and compulsions in a different way - a way that doesn't result in them drinking.

Unfortunately, until such time, you need to work on understanding that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If you think it's in your own best interests to walk away, then muster up the strength to do so. If you choose to stay, then you need to practice the art of detachment if you are to find any peace of mind. You can find out about detachment at an al-anon meeting (but don't go there looking for advice - they don't give advice, just support and a friendly, non-judgemental ear!). I would also highly recommend Melody Beattie's Book, Co-Dependent No More.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I have had a few breakthroughs in understanding this lately, and I just what to share what i've learned. It's not easy, i've recently walked away and i'm still hurting, but i'm now concentrating on my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my dreams, my future, my happiness, and it's proving to be difficult but a much more worthwhile venture!

Take care and good luck!


Old 05-15-2012, 11:26 AM   #8
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Chinokix HB UserChinokix HB User
Re: HELP. Dunno what to do to help alcoholic partner

I know something about this and yes he will not change unless he hits a bottom of some sort. It doesn't have to be rock bottom but something will have to happen to make him drastically change his behavior. Your leaving just might be the thing that saves both of your lives.

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