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I'm at the end of my tether

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Old 05-19-2012, 12:01 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1
GaiusLee HB User
I'm at the end of my tether

Hi people,

I feel this is a last resort and I feel a little embarrassed and humiliated at having to post on here. It isnít me that has the problem, but my father. Iím his son and I 30 years old and my father is 50 and he is a heroin addict. He has never injected but he has smoked it for about six years now. I feel like killing him as it has gone on for that long now.

I need to clarify a few things before I carry on. He is intelligent, good looking and he is graded as a technician (one up from an electrician). He has never stolen a thing in his life and never will. He has always worked and but has never fulfilled his potential. He hasnít been a failure in life but he could have achieved much more. Myself, I donít smoke and I rarely drink. Iím the total opposite of my father.

The problems started around six years ago when he began seeing a woman who was considerably younger than he was (over twenty years). I didnít approve and I had my suspicions of her and her motives. I didnít get involved and it turned out exactly as I feared it would. My father was devastated and he basically self-destructed. He lost his job, all his money and he had nowhere to stay. I ended up getting involved and I gave him money and a place to live. It was at this point that he began taking heroin. He has told me two reasons for taking it; it helps him remember certain things about the relationship with this young girl and it blocks out all the emotional pain from the breakup.

Iíve taken a year out from university as I needed several things to sort out this year, my father being one of them. I am desperate for him to stop taking this stuff as it has serious consequences for him and me, ie, no money being one of them. Now he has tried getting onto methadone several times in the last nine months but he simply cannot do it. He has tried several methods and they donít seem to work.

He is very proud and feels far too embarrassed to talk to anyone about them. I think it is a disgrace for me to have at post a question on here but I feel this is the last avenue. I need some serious advice on why he canít get off and how he can. I have thought about a way where he can be put into some kind of self-induced coma for a month so he can get clean. If I need to post more information I will. I need to know a few other peopleís experience themselves and close relatives. I would like to know any methods people tried and what may or may not work. The stress on me will put me in an early grave and the anger that is building up towards him will may lead to something very bad. I really hope that nothing bad happens but I seriously need help. Thank you.

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Old 05-19-2012, 02:30 PM   #2
Join Date: Mar 2008
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katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: I'm at the end of my tether

So, in that post I heard 1 word alot....Can't. Your father CAN get off heroin, just like anyone else, he's just scared and probably not a 100% sure he wants to.

You say you want him off for many reasons, you cited your embarrassment, humiliation and seems most important, money. How does your father's heroin use factor into your financial issue? Are you buying the heroin for him?

You said that you're desperate and needed serious help, but your father is the one who needs the serious help here. You also say your father has never lived up to his potential in life, although he's educated, intelligent, good looking and a good citizen. Why, because you think so? Maybe he just wanted to be a Technician, no shame in that.

My point being...Honestly, just from what you typed, you don't seem the person to help him go through a home detox., you've got some issues going on yourself, and there's no way he won't pick up on those.

First off, they don't do coma induced rapid detox just because people are scared to do the work and go through the pain and hardships of withdrawal and detox. It's a very dangerous process, it carries serious future risks for the remainder of the addicts life and you have to have a medical need for such a procedure.

Next, your dad has to want to get clean, really want to get clean and turn his life around or he won't. When he's ready to do that, then the best thing for him would most likely be to go to an inpatient detox facility. From what you say he lacks willpower to detox on his own and Heroin has a strong psychological aspect to the detox that you have to be willing to fight, in order to stay clean. In inpatient detox they'll help him learn tools and coping mechanism's to deal with this.

Him constantly saying he Can't do this, and you agreeing with him isn't helping either of you. It is very possible to detox from Heroin and live a normal, productive life, people do it all the time. Nobody's forcing you to help him, but if your going to help him, then you need to have the attitude to match it....constantly being around a negative, "I can't believe your doing this to me", "you've disgraced me and your ruining my life" attitude will do nothing but drive him further into the ground. And frankly, if your that angry with your father, and he's refusing to help himself and furthering your anger, it's probably time you distanced yourself from the situation, before, like you said, "something bad happens."

If you are somehow losing money from your dad's heroin addiction, QUIT giving him money. If he lives with you and he needs personal items, food, etc. Buy the things, never give him cash. If he want's cash, he needs to get a job. He needs to start being responsible for himself again, just like he was all his life before 6 years ago, and you need to quit enabling him.

ASAP get your dad into an inpatient detox program so he can safely get off the heroin. You might want to check out some Al-anon meetings or another support group to deal with your issues, before they eat you alive.


Old 05-20-2012, 04:25 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: nashville tn.
Posts: 89
bolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB Userbolter HB User
Re: I'm at the end of my tether

Hi, you sound like the parent in this relationship [he hasn,t fulfilled his potentials, he,s not a failure but could achieve much more] your not the parent. It sounds like he was doing quite well before this happened. You said he,s tried getting straight with methadone and it didn,t work, at least he tried, that shows something. Intreatment program as Kat suggested would be the best bet at this point. If he won,t go for that theres a medication called suboxone that has helped me tremendously with my opiate problem. You can Google it and they also have website with all kinds of info. on this medication. Keep posting it,s not a disgrace. If you read other posts you will find your not alone. Check out Al-anon meeting in your area, they are also easy to find online or in phone book. Let us know how you make out. Best of luck to you and your dad.

Old 05-21-2012, 07:26 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Omaha, NE USA
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Chinokix HB UserChinokix HB User
Re: I'm at the end of my tether

It sounds to me like either by choice or by circumstance you have been put into the role of the parent, which you shouldn't have to be in. It is a tough situation for you to be in. Good luck you will be in my prayers.

Old 05-21-2012, 01:20 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 560
alex12 HB Useralex12 HB User
Re: I'm at the end of my tether

I definitely agree with the other posters, he has to want it for it to work, with that being said you can consider this a life or death situation in that if nothing happends he will destroy his life or can die. I would talk to him bluntly about going into treatment and getting detoxed. Some places will stage interventions if you think he'll resist. I am still struggling w. my. Vice even though it's not as strong as heroin. I can say it's very scary and the anxiety is out of control and takes over making it so easy to give up.

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