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  • Help! Need support, living with alcoholic in denial!

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    Old 01-27-2002, 10:48 AM   #1
    Join Date: Jan 2002
    Posts: 1
    Tizzy HB User
    Red face Help! Need support, living with alcoholic in denial!

    Well I didn't think I would EVER be doing this. I will try to explain my situation relatively quickly and easily.

    I am a child of an alcholic. I have been in alateen and al-anon. I have even had drinking problems of my own that I have recovered from (about 12 years now). This is my second marriage of which is 5 years long now.

    My dilema is, my husband IS an alcoholic. He is in denial! He is NON abusive both mentally and physically. He never degrads me actually he does the oppostie, he adores me. He is a professional business man, and never misses work. Everybody loves him, they think he is one of the kindest people they know! And he truly is.... (kinda).. I will explain that in the next paragraph. He is wonderful to my daughter who lives with us. His mother KNOWS he has a drinking problem also. I have told him thatI have talked to his MOM about it. We have a close relationship and I can talk to her, I am lucky! She has never had to deal with someone with a problem like this but does know her son drinks WAY too much.

    Okay now my dilema. I need support. I have been to al-anon like I stated in the past. I have done the 12 step program etc. I have read the BIG book, but I think what I am needing here more then anything is the support to deal with this. Anyone familiar with what I am talking about? I know I have to let him do his thing until he is ready to admit to it, but I also see our relationship hurting terribly.

    To explain the (kinda) above...He is rather selfish, he can get moody and I know that is the depression that comes with alcohol. He does NOT get mean he just gets quiet and reserved. He drinks about 6-8 beers or more every night. When he is out of alcohol and does not want to drive to go and get it, he usually retires really early. He has NO get up and go to do anything! His life revolves around drinking.

    I guess I need to know how to deal with it all? I am trying to live my own life and just help him when I can. I cannot even whisper to him that I think he is an alcoholic. He says I am super sensitive and that because of my past I think anyone who drinks has a problem. I have tried to point out to him the "signs" of alcohol, how it effects our marriage, how it will eventually get worse, how much I love him and need him to always be with me, and that because he drinks so much, and needs to drink to function, that he is an alcoholic. I don't talk to him about it any more. It is like a silent thing in our house... He knows how I feel, I know how he feels.

    What can I do? There is NOT a support group even close to me so that is OUT of the question. I don't lie anymore either to anyone, I don't keep the "secret" either. I don't support his lies either! But I do feel lonely... he will stay up all night on the computer playing games and drinking beer. I mean all night! I can't stand it now when he comes to bed, cause he snores and he "stinks"... He is a very clean man, but I can't stand the smell of second hand booze. Now, recently in the past two weeks he is sleeping in the other room because I have made it obvious that he keeps me awake and I don't like the smell. OH, I should mention he works out of town from M-F so he is usually only home on the weekends.

    Any ideas? What can I do? Need some support here.. I truly do love him, and I am NOT nor will I even think of leaving him. I do have a lot of inner strength, and I can pull on it, but I need some suggestion on how to deal with it all so I am not feeling so down sometimes. I guess what I mean is I want to go about this the RIGHT way, so that one day he may face his addiction. I have been all over the net and Yes I do see stories, I have read some books, and I do, do what I can when I learn, how to do it.

    More then anything I think it would be nice to have some support! Or some ideas on how to deal with it, and help me not feel so lonely. I don't want to start living my own life so much that we totally grow apart. I don't want to be in his face about it, cause I know that would ONLY worsen the problem.

    Suggestions? Support? Anyone Please!

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    Old 01-27-2002, 01:13 PM   #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date: Jun 2001
    Posts: 47
    LeeEllen HB User

    Oh Tizzy, I wish I could give you a great big hug. You're absolutely right --- you DO need support. You stated that you have gone to Al-Anon --- is there not a group close to you??? I assume not.

    You're already doing what you need to do, and that is not enable him. But possibly you may need to take it a little further. The home is YOURS too and you don't state how old your daughter is, but she certainly does not deserve to be brought up in this environment. YOU yourself know that alcoholism seems to be passed from generation to generation unless we put a stop to it. You know the hell of alcoholism --- you've been there. It would be horrible if your daughter fell into the trap too.

    Can you ask/tell him that you don't want alcohol in the home??? Since you are in recovery, I don't see why that would be such a terrible request --- you must protect your OWN sobriety. Obviously that alone won't stop him from drinking, but you know as well as I that he has to come to that decision himself.

    Again, I wish I could be there for you. In the meantime, do what you need to do for you and your daughter. God Bless! Peace, Lee

    [This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 01-28-2002).]

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