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    Old 02-28-2002, 08:02 AM   #1
    Molly M
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    Unhappy Need Support!! Husband is drinking.

    Hi everyone. This is the first time I have posted on this board. I usually post other areas. I have a story that could get very long, but I don't want it to.
    I am a recovering alcoholic, been sober for almost 2 years now. I am married to a man I've been with for 14 years (married for 7). We started out drinking together, and we went for many years drinking together. Classic codependents. When I decided to get sober, thank God, he went along with me, not drinking. He never said he would stop completely. I never asked him to. He did always say he wanted to "tone it down", especially for the sake of our child. Well, my problem is that he has been drinking behind my back for a while now. I don't even know how long. He tells me it's just one beer, and it's always when he comes home from work when he's putting his tools away in the garage. He does not get drunk at all. He's perfectly sane. But I know when he says one beer he is talking about those big beers that are more like 2 1/2. And he says he is not drinking in front of me because he knows what my reaction will be. It doesn't have anything to do with respect for my getting sober! Well, my reaction hasn't been too good when I smell it on his breath either. Oh my god, it's getting long.
    My husband comes from a family of both parents serious alcoholics. His sister and brother are recovering alcoholics. He has one sister left who drinks, and so does he. So from the beginning a sense of normalcy was never there. When I try to talk to my husband, about anything that is bothering me, he doesn't want to listen. He runs from anything negative, classic alcoholic. He promised me, promises promises, that he will NEVER let his drinking get out of hand again. What I mean by out of hand is serious drinking that we did together. I'm surprised I never died actually, sometimes I would drink so much.
    First of all, I would love to hear some support from people who have gone through this. And I was wondering what should I do. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and another on the way. I need to know should I let him carry on, and assume his promise to me will hold up even when I know the cycle of alcoholism? Should I not worry over a couple beers when he comes home from work, even though he has a bad drinking history? I know he might believe the words he's told me, but I know that even the best intentions get wrecked with this disease. I am so sad, I cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want our marriage to end. Our communication has gotten so bad, because I feel I can never tell him what I need. I am extra emotional because I am pregnant, but I don't think I am over exaggerating in this case. I think he has a lot of nerve to drink when I ask him not to, for the sake of our marriage, but then again, I know that for him it might be too hard. I know he loves me, and he doesn't want our marriage to end. I know we need counseling, but I can't even get him to acknowledge that there's a serious problem. He thinks I'm overreacting.
    What I need now is support. I'm scared that this will get out of hand. My husband is a good man with some traits that are so bad. I would like to thank his MOTHER and FATHER for that. His dad is dead now, thanks to drinking Scotch every night. And his mom is still boozing it up. I hate his mom with a fury, and seeing her drinking is what finally made me get some help. I will not let myself get emotionally unattached like she did. I used to like his mom, and I tried to tell everyone that she has a disease, and she can't help it. Well, now I want to protect my daughter. The last time she came to visit, she stunk so bad of alcohol I wanted to kick her out. And the time will come when I will tell her, thanks for not being there for my husband when he was growing up. Thanks for giving him a false sense of reality. But I know she'll probably die before I can tell her how hurtful she has been to my husband, his brother and sisters, and now me. I know blame isn't healthy. I know it's a disease. But I can't stand people who won't even be honest with themselves. I really want to get over this, but my job in life is to protect my daughter, myself, and the baby on the way. If my husband isn't willing to listen to a word I say, whether or not he's drinking, I will have to do what I said I would never do. Leave. I really really need some friendly words of advice. Please don't tell me to leave him now because he will never change. I don't need anything stressing me out more than I already have been. I am pregnant and I need some happiness. Thank you for reading this long post. I just needed to vent and hear from some of you in similar situations.
    I haven't been to AA in a long time. In this case do you think I should go to AA or alanon for support? Because I'm an x-drinker? Thanks again.

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    Molly H.

    [This message has been edited by Molly M (edited 02-28-2002).]
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    Old 02-28-2002, 08:22 AM   #2
    hzebo
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    Well Molly, I am so sorry that you are living in that kind of situation. I know it is so difficult to leave the person you love and who you have spent time with, and have children with, that you start rationalizing for them. Have you ever tried a support group like A.A. or N.A.? There are several people that have walked through what you are going through and are fairly happy. They don't try to find blame in anyone, for someone's behavior. You have to accept that it is the disease of addiction or alcoholism and understand that it is your husbands choice to drink and probably right now he is just not ready to stop no matter what the consequences. Also I learned in N.A. that I shouldn't put expectations on anyone. My recovery is my responsibility. I have family members that still like to drink on special occassions or bar-b-ques, etc. If I get uncomfortable, I have the choice to leave. I don't say "the nerve of them!" It isn't their responsibility to keep me happy and in recovery, it is mine. I also don't look for happiness outside of myself. I try to "live" the serenity prayer. It works for me. You are so committed to this relationship and that is saying alot. Many people would have bailed by now, but it also takes alot of hard work to stay in a relationship when one person is using and the other is trying to stay clean. That is why I asked if you have tried any kind of support program to share this at meetings?

    good luck to you
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    Old 02-28-2002, 08:28 AM   #3
    hzebo
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    hey also, I forgot to mention that just on this board alone, there is a person that is named "Natema" that has a story that you wil relate to, and she suggests Al-anon that helped her. You may want to direct a question to her on this board or read her story entitled "I'm In Love With an Addict"
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    Old 02-28-2002, 08:33 AM   #4
    Christine
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    Hi there.

    I am so sorry to hear your pain- you must be so very torn. I too am in recovery - cocaine and alchohol. I too was married to an addict - who quit with me, used with me, quit with me, etc. We have been divorced for 7 years now after 8 years of marriage and 2 children. My problem got so bad that my kids asked to go live with their Dad and I lost custody. I now have custody of our daughter - who is 14, by her choice, my son is in Vermont where his Dad and wife recently moved and is very happy there - I see him every other weekend, vacations and all summer. I am now engaged to a wonderful man who is not a substance abuser or alchoholic. So I have been on both ends.
    It is very hard to be an alchoholic and very hard to be in love with one. Been on both ends of that too! From my perspective of being one, my future husband stood by me through some very tough times - 5 years worth, he supports my efforts to stay sober - SO MUCH. He will tolerate it if I were to relapse again - it has happened to me twice (after 2 years of trying to get sober in the first place - both times when I stoppped going to meetings.) I on the other hand, was conned and lied to by my former husband, and finally left him. End of story. He is not is recovery, I don't know if he has used since our divorce - his life has not become unmanageable that I can see, but who knows.
    Get back to AA. AND.. go to Alanon. You can do both, of course!! What you need right now is support - you will get what you need at both. Tell your husband how you feel. YOur scared, he has responsibilities and so do you. I honestly feel that you may be an "ex-drinker" but you will always be an alchoholic. It's a mind thing. My children are 3 1/2 years apart too - I didn't drink or use drugs during that period of time either I put myself second to my babies - but sooner or later it catches up to you - it is a progressive disease. You are just a ticking time bomb - and you DONT want to start drinking again, I'm sure. Take care of you own self, then those babies, and then you will be strong enough to deal with your husband. But seriously, you NEED the support you will get from the program - I am sure you have had a taste of it. Go to a meeting, when that ask if there is someone new or coming back, raise your hand as simply state your case. You will get the help you need.

    Good luck to you - this board is always here for you.

     
    Old 02-28-2002, 12:29 PM   #5
    Molly M
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    Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the support. To answer a question, yes I have been to AA. I found it VERY helpful at first. I luckily have the support of both my parents who helped me. I don't feel that I need to go for my own drinking problem. I made up my mind not to drink and I know in my heart I will never drink again. I will look up some alanon groups around here. And I know it sounds stupid to say "my husband has the nerve to drink when I ask him not to". I know he's not capable of stopping until he makes the decision. I just feel like he is really betraying me, not because of the ACT OF DRINKING, but the act of hiding it, lying about how much, and telling me there's no problem. He's forcing me to pick up the pieces of my emotional wreckage and continue to be a happy, healthy mom for our daughter. It's very hard for me to hide how I feel. I was brought up in a very loving, respectful, non alcoholic family. We listened to eachother, we hurt for eachother if something was wrong. My husband grew up in a sarcastic hell hole where there was no respect at all for anyone. My husband is a great person deep down. And very emotional. But when it's emotions that are not so good, like his wife's saddness, he will not hear it. It must hurt him too much to know that he's hurting me. He'd rather run and hide than face the truth.
    I'm rambling again.
    I have another thing to ask. I have heard of this theory that alcoholics don't have to stop drinking completely to maintain a healthy, functional life. It's a theory that as long as they keep in within reason, they will be ok. I'm not kidding, or making it up. I saw a show on it on some evening magazing program. I personally don't agree with this, but I'd love to know any differently. I would love to let my husband drink his 2 beers everyday without worrying. That is like an answer to my prayers. Anyway, I think it might work for some, but not most.
    I have to say that alcohol is a horrible poison. The smell of it on my husband's breath makes me cringe, reminding me of all the times I got in trouble, and him. I don't mind it on other people's breath, non-alcoholics that is. I can deal with anyone who is not an alcoholic drinking in front of me.
    Anyway, thanks for your words of wisdom and thoughts. I will look for support so I can understand how I can maintain a healthy life for myself and my children. I won't leave my husband until we've tried everything. The problem is, I think he would rather leave than try anything. That's how different we are right now.

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    Old 03-03-2002, 07:28 AM   #6
    Christine
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    Do you really believe that if alchoholics could stop at 2 beers there would be any?

     
    Old 03-03-2002, 04:27 PM   #7
    Molly M
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    To be honest I don't understand your question. But thanks for your support. Oh, actually now I get it. It sure would be nice wouldn't it? Actually, though, some alcoholics are not what you call heavy drinkers. I think even people who drink a couple drinks every day are in an alcoholic habit. If it consumes your mind and keeps you from being able to change your plans because of the daily ritual, then there is definately a problem. So the amount one drinks isn't necessarily the problem, it's the focus that's the problem.

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    Molly H.

    [This message has been edited by Molly M (edited 03-03-2002).]
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    Old 03-07-2002, 11:05 AM   #8
    Squirrel-1
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    One is too many and a thousand never enough

     
    Old 03-24-2002, 04:01 AM   #9
    aideen
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    Hi Molly
    It's been a while since I've looked at the board, Xmas actually. My boyfriend is the alcoholic and I grew up with an alcoholic father but my parents separated when I was 17. I have also separated 2 yrs ago (when I met my boyfriend)but have a good relationship with my workaholic ex. I have left my boyfriend several times too but though things were good for a while, it still has never got better. Last year he was sober for 5 months and I tend to "wait" for that to come back again. I don't believe any alcoholic can have "just one" beer and control their drinking long term. Perhaps your husband can do that for a while because he realises what's at risk but it won't last. My boyfriend, I think, has been trying to control when he drinks, thinking that makes it okay and "normal" but he still ended up in jail last month for drunk and disorderly. He more or less demanded I bail him out (after having let me down on Valentines Day and hardly called since). I waited two days and he is so angry about that. I've (un)fortunately got to the stage where I don't care. Since then - I was away with my kids in Paris for 8 days - I have heard from him. He knows, I may break with him completely and that's what I intend to do. I've written him a letter telling him how I understand, etc but that I can't be pushed away anymore - it hurts too much.He needs to sort out his life himself. If he really wants a relationship with me in the future sometime, I've told him he can write to me to keep contact (and I'll also know,he is putting effort into the relationship at last).I think, he needs time to do this on his own. He has detached more and more from me and I know, it's hurting him too. Your husband is probably in a similar situation - he knows he's letting you down and feels terrible for it but doesn't want to lose his friend in alcohol. You can't expect him to do anything out of love for you or your kids - he has to want it for himself.It's not a measure of how much he loves you - it's how much he loves himself.From your description of his family, he obviously wasn't given much love at home and so has very little self-esteem (I would think that's the case with a lot of alcoholics). My boyfriend too was treated like dirt by his mother while his father ignored it and played the authoritarian, demanding achievement from him. It's so cruel but we can't change that. We can only love them and hope that they will find their own reasons to fight the illusions drink gives them.
    I feel for you - I'm lucky, I don't live with my boyfriend so I'm not trapped in that way. It's a very difficult time for you but you have to make that tough decision and I'm sure, loving your kids will help you. I know, my kids have made me stronger as I would protect them over myself from any pain. Now I am stronger and though it hurts me to leave my boyfriend, I know, there's no point spending my life "waiting" on him to want me.
    Good luck. I hope, you look after yourself.
    Eleanor
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    Old 03-31-2002, 05:38 PM   #10
    j_lyn
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    I don' know what to do either , very similar story here in oregon. . only when it isn't a couple of beers its a bong hit or a joint. I am an emotional wreck also, very scared of what could happen. i to was raised by an alcoholic. i am reading your posts, i hpoe someone has words of wisdom for us . I would not be able to go to any meetings.. jacqueline

     
    Old 04-01-2002, 04:36 AM   #11
    Christine
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    why can't you go to any meetings? AA and Alanon are probably the best bet for both of you.

     
    Old 04-04-2002, 05:12 AM   #12
    carrad
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    Molly, you know why your husband is hiding his drinking...he feels guilty. And if the drinking were not a problem, why would he feel guilty?
    It is very sad to hear of relationships that have been built on addiction. Often, when one recovers, it can create tension: sadly, the fact that you were both alcoholics was probably the main thing you had in common.
    No, you can't change your husband, nor can you force him to stop drinking if he is not prepared to, and I realize that you know that. But if his drinking is a problem, you need to think of yourself and your children.
    You need to be a mother to your children, not your husband. Harsh words, not intended to offend, but it's true.
    One of the posters above said that she was raised by an alcoholic. Is that what you want for your children?
    Incidentally, yes, there are those who believe that it is possible for an alcoholic to have acouple of drinks and leave it at that. Frankly, the jury's out on that one. Probably always will be, as everyone is different.
    If the underlying problems that caused the addiction are not resolved, then addiction will always be a potential hazard.
    Molly, I hope I have not offended you. I really feel for you and others in your situation. But when it comes to addiction, you have to be realistic.
    Please let us know what happens.




    [This message has been edited by carrad (edited 04-04-2002).]

     
    Old 04-11-2002, 07:58 PM   #13
    Andrya
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    Molly, you are in the ever continuing process of recovering.However, your husband is not.I'm 20 years old and have been the child of an alcoholic all of my life. I have heard all of the same promises that I am sure you have and many more. My mother is in rehab for the 2nd time and I fear that this will never end. For the sake of your children do the right thing now. Don't let your children grow up to all of the lies and broken promises that you hear now. Don't let them feel the pain of seeing their father like this. Don't let them fear every holiday, birthday, or bringing a friend home to a drunken father. This will be hard, but trust me, your children should grow up in an environment where they could see how strong their mother is for all she has done for them...Don't let the lies live on.

     
    Old 04-11-2002, 09:45 PM   #14
    Ksavage
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    THE LENGTH OF THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I AM SO SORRY! YOU BETTER GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE!



    Hi Molly! I know this post is a little late...but I would like to share my story with you & I hope it makes you feel a little better & stronger!

    My father was adicted to alcohol & my brother was addicted to drugs which landed him a reservation on the execution table at the age of 34 years old! My world has been torn apart by substances! When I met my husband we loved to go out dancin' & drinkn' & drivin' & all the "fun" stuff that goes along with substance abuse! My husbands entire family are ALL alcoholics & for years that NEVER bothered me! I woke up one morning & decided that we were headed down a very unhappy road! I quite drinking and tried to get my life in order....I had a wedding to plan !
    Well at that time I did not think a thing about the fact that we could still go out & have a good time & at least we knew that we had a sober ride home (ME)!
    Well....after a couple of years of this I decided that it was not much fun being the only sober person at the party & I slowly but surely convinced my husband that I would rather go to a dinner & a movie instead of the "drinking fest" down the street! Well...that was wonderfull! We spent a lot of quality time together & our relationship was such a strong one now! Well...slowly but surely we would occasionally go out with our "drinkin' friends"! After all....I could stand to be the sober one every once in a while (for my husbands sake)! Well...eventually his drinking became so out of hand that the word excessive could not even describe the amount of alcohol he would consume! It was very scary for me & things just went from bad to worse! (sorry for the length but I really think this might help you so it is worth it I PROMISE)
    No more quality time, no more movies, no more dinners,no more happiness! We had only been married about 18 months & I hit the road! I had had it & I was not coming back! For an hour or so! lol I put up with it & I obsessed over it! I cried when he drank & I cried when he did'nt! (in fear of the next binge he would go on) He never got abusive or mean he just got plain-ol' stupid when he drank & that is all I could think about 24/7. I was letting this ruin my life! We wnt to a NASCAR race about 5 1/2 hours away from where we live & we had our video camera there & I was actually having a great time with a few other couple that we met there! We were camping & we had all decided to play a few hands of penny poker just for fun & after a few minutes my husband got up & went to the truck & came back over & sat down to finish playing PENNY poker! Well I noticed that the back of his shirt was pulled up & LOW & BEHOLD! He had went to the truck & got our pistol out from under the seat!!!
    (did I mention before that he gets STUPID drunk?)I asked him what he thought he was doing & he pulled me to the side & told me that thought one of the men we were playing with were cheating & he was gonna put a STOP TO THIS !!!!!(did i mention we were playing PENNY poker?) (did I mention STUPID drunk?)Well needless to say I left his there in the middle of Texas in the middle of the night & I went home to Oklahoma! Well as you could guess we had a pretty good fight once he got home & I showed him the video of everyone looking at him & laughing & he saw through sober eyes exactly how stupid he acts when he drinks! He was very shocked by what he saw & could not tell me enough that he was sssoooo sorry! I asked him to go to my dads house with me & not have 1 single drink the whole time we were there & I wanted him to see how everyone changed with each & every drink they had! He could not believe it !


    OK OK OKAY!

    He quite drinking!!!!

    Then he started up again just like your hubby!


    It was very very hard at first for me to deal with! But he is a wonderful sober person & it took me a long long long time to realize that I do not like it but he drinks nonthing like he used too & if he feels like he needs to have a beer or two after work & he stops at that then I did realize that he has made an unspoken compromise! I gues we have just kinda figured out where the 1/2 way mark is & we just meet eachother there when it comes to a couple of beers after a long hard day! I can not blame him for all the drinkers in the world & it was very hard for me to finally figure that out! We have been dealling with him having a couple of beers after work issue for about 3 years now & it has never gone any farther than that! I truely think that he has a drinking problem but I love this man with all of my hart & I am so glad I turned around & went back home that one & only time I ever left! (I will never know how I made all those years)Stick it out & give it time & try rally really hard not to complain a lot about his drinking! Ask him if he feels guilty & that is why he hides it from you! Go for a drive (just the 2 of you is possible) & put the anger & fear to the side & have a heart to heart talk with this man & find out what is going on! Be Strong! You can make it through this! I no I was very very lucky when it came to my situation but I also believe that sosiety has made it too easy to walk away from a marriage (not that you might not have a reason too) just make sure it will never ever work before you leave!
    You are in my thoughts & prayers!
    Congrats on that baby (have you had it yet)

    oh yah.....did I tell you that to this day I have NO idea how he got home from TEXAS? he he he


    Let me know how you are doing!


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    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
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