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  • Sex and crack

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    Old 07-07-2002, 08:56 AM   #1
    Geneva
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    Post Sex and crack


    Once a person has experienced a high from crack how can a sexual climax even compare?

    My husband has a 3+ year crack addiction. He is active in NA and has been clean for 18 months with one relapse.


    I have such trouble now with sex as I think that it must be a let down...he described a high on crack with euphoria...how can I compete with that? It's like he cheated with another woman.

    Does this make any sense?

    I go to Alanon and it has saved my sanity but sex is never brought up!!! Surely if your partner is using or has used in the past it affects the bedroom.

    For your info we are not young. My husband tried crack on a whim at the age of 53...midlife crisis he calls it ...been married 22 years...He was the perfect father and husband till then.

    I asked this same question nearly a year ago and got some good responses..would like more..I just can't seem to work through my attitude that sex is no longer special...

     
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    Old 07-07-2002, 09:59 AM   #2
    aideen
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    I would think what makes the sex special when sober is that you are experiencing it on a level which is deeper and more "whole". Anything I would experience while having drunk alcohol is on a level in the mind and body that isn't as deeply in contact with myself and my being.It's hard to describe but when my boyfriend and I have had sexual experiences while drunk or him being drunk (he's the alcoholic), they have been marred for me by the fact that they are not "real". Something real or more sincere is full of deeper feelings and memories too.
    Since drinking my boyfriend has steadily lost his sex drive and hasn't been able to make love to me. The last time he tried was on the 16th December!!! Since then, we have broken up several times but not really seen each other much. There is more to the sexual act than only the physical climax. Your husband now has new and different experiences with you which doesn't undermine their importance. The whole relationship with someone can be so deeply experienced sexually and if you are having trouble, it will be reflected in your sexual experience. I'm sure, he will have a deeper bond with you that wasn't possible for him before and which is absorbed by his whole being to make him feel loved. Under influence of any drug, I think the experience is much more superficial.
    Why don't you talk to him about your concerns and get the information from the expert!!! I'm sure, he senses your fears and it is much better to get them out in the open and deal with them honestly instead of letting them build up inside you.
    Good luck....
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    Old 08-20-2002, 12:28 PM   #3
    Lucis
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    Geneva,

    I KNOW exactly what you are going through. My husband's relapses (he's been clean 9 months) broke my heart. The imminent danger seems to be over for now but, at the same time, I'm just starting to feel the horrible pain of what happened. Do his relapses mean he was willing to risk losing me, our baby? If the answer is yes, where does that leave me? In second place. Sex is a biggie for me. I used to LOVE making love with him but now I feel compared to whatever fantasy he's got going on while using. I don't even want to be naked around him. Because I don't trust him. I used to feel lusted by him and other men, now only by other men. His lust is/was crack. He would break through walls to get it, risk everything to chase a fantasy? a dragon? what? Emotionally, it's EXACTLY like being cheated on.I sometimes even wonder if he didn't, in fact, cheat. God knows he was willing to do anything to make his using scenario exactly as he wanted it to be, and certainly his sense of morality or ethics flew were nowhere to be found. I want to get back in my mind to where I used to be, how I used to feel about sex with him, about trusting him. I need to heal (soon!) or leave. I love him very much, that's what makes this hard.
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    Old 08-20-2002, 03:12 PM   #4
    canyonspirit72
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    you need to see what occurs to people who take drugs that it is a chemcial reaction......the sense of pleasure or pain is very sensitive and sometimes never goes back to what it was originally....it is difficult not to compare but it is different......unfortunatley we can only give other people what is biologically normal and natural to our bodies and any illicit drug is not natural....its about pleasure but not love where making love is just that......don't make yourself feel guilty or insignificant because you are not.....

     
    Old 08-20-2002, 03:27 PM   #5
    OssyKitty
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    Geneva,

    First of all Kudus to you for going to Al-Anon. I'm also a member and find it very helpful. I have found two CAL (conference approved literature) booklets to be very helpful to me in this area. One is "The Dilema of the Alcholic Marriage" and "Sexual Intimacy & The Alcholic Relationship". You say that the topic isn't brought up in your meetings. I chaired several meetings and brought up the topic using these two books. You'd be surprised how many women want to talk about this, but are too timid. You can find the books at the Al-Anon website or your local AIS.

    Keep coming back,
    Shelly

     
    Old 08-20-2002, 03:52 PM   #6
    Lucis
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    Shelly, Genova, any addicts out there,

    I don't understand how alanon can benefit the spouse of an addict where the issue of sexuality is concerned. I can learn to trust again once it has been earned, I can be strong on my own if I have to be, I can be a mom and a dad to my son if i have to be. These are not things I need help with. I also don't need help coping. I won't learn tolerate years of pain, I'm not interested in making pain manageable. I'm only interested in making pain go away. Sex is so personal, I don't think that I could share with a group. I want to have the facts. Once you've used crack, is sex a secondary pleasure? (I want a spouse who feels the same level of joy/love/pleasure as I do). 2. Is using/relapse a way of chasing an aspect of your sexuality which you are repressing? It seems to me that if this is true, than what you are doing in your sober sex life is behaviour modification, learned, not instinctive. i'm not confused about what I want, I want my husband. First and foremost. But I also need to feel that he wants me in the same way. It may be too perfect and too idealistic, but it is my life and i think that life is too short to settle. I don't want to sound snooty or judgmental about alanon. I've been to meetings and i have nothing but respect for people helping people. But I need to help myself. i need to know the reality of sex, crack, cheating etc. I'm hoping to hear from addicts who have been there. Please be honest. Is there such a thing as an honest addict?

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    Old 08-20-2002, 06:08 PM   #7
    Geneva
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    Lucis.....

    You understand! Thank you for responding. I thought my thinking might be screwed up but you said exactly what I am thinking and feeling! Sex for me now is "stress". How can I compete with crack? He can be in a state of "euphoria" with his pipe in seconds...why go through all the hassle of foreplay and for such a short climax when he can just keep getting high again and again with a hit on a pipe?

    Hands down he would pick the pipe over me if he didn't have to deal with the repercussions (coming down, paranoia, etc) That is so depressing and has made me feel cheated on. I sometimes wonder too if he cheated with another woman as well. All sense and morality goes out the window. I have heard though that when high on this stuff a man can get hard but cannot climax... but if he tried anyway that is cheating!!

    You seem like you are strong and independent and even though you love your husband you could make it on your own. How long have you been married? How old are you? I have been married to this guy for 22 years. We have raised 4 wonderful successful kids.
    He was the all American good guy...scout leader etc....Then wham one dumb choice and he is a totally different person. He will never be who he was nor will I.

    I have heard that if an addict's mouth is moving he is lying...That was so true in my case.. It's better now these last 11 months but I still don't trust.

    Shelly
    I will get the literature you reccomended..thanks..

     
    Old 08-21-2002, 08:12 AM   #8
    Lucis
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    Geneva,

    I'm not 100% familiar with this board yet. I wrote you an answer last night but I don't see it there this morning. I'm very happy for you that you have raised 4 happy kids. Do you worry about addiction where they are concerned? I'm 34 and our son is 16 months old. He has a great dad and I have a great husband. Except...I think you are the only one on this board who understands the agony of not knowing if your husband cheated while using crack, or, even if he didn't, coming to terms with the idea that the crack offers the kind of sexual euphoria that we mere mortals cannot. How can I compete? I don't even want to. Funny how something so beautiful between 2 people can become so twisted. These are the horrible things that go through my mind when we have sex. I sometimes want to jump off the bed and scream " Don't fake it for my sake! Just go and do whatever it is you really want to do! Let me be!" I hate being somebody's fallback position, their compromise. You're right about one thing. I'm sure that, given the choice, it would be the crack. The social/legal/financial/ethical consequences keep him in line. Our sex life is part of that effort for him, or at least that's what I have come to feel. It's a very, very lonely feeling and I want to (and often do) scream and cry. When I'm driving alone I shout out loud. Bad dreams are a part of it,too. I used to believe that sex with someone you love was literally 'making love'. And while the physical part of it with him is really, really awesome, it leaves me feeling isolated, alone and slightly pitied by him, like I'm a sympathy sex. It makes me feel like I might die...
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