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  • Husband addicted to Cocaine. I can't take it anymore

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    Old 03-05-2014, 05:10 AM   #1
    bst1evr's Avatar
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    Angry Husband addicted to Cocaine. I can't take it anymore

    My husband has been addicted to cocaine for what I believe is 17 years. We have been married for 3 1/2 years. I was not aware of his addiction at first. He openly confessed in the beginning of our relationship that he "used to be" addicted to cocaine. We eventually married, and I then found out that it was not a past problem, but rather a reoccurring problem. I have been through the cycles of emotions. He's okay and I'm happy, he's not okay and I am concerned, etc. I have an anxiety problem and suffer from PTSD, as I was an abused child and was beaten to near death on many occasions, so I don't deal well with this type of worrisome behavior.

    My husband will disappear, not answer his phone, and I know he is using. I used to fear confronting him about his use. Now, I have no problem confronting him anymore. He will often lie, and tell me I have already predetermined his guilt, so there is no point in talking. Days after he uses he goes through the typical mood swings and he looses his temper much quicker. I don't feel like I deserve the pain he puts me through, and I know that he does not mean to, it is part of the addiction. The need to protect his ability to use, and such.

    He was recently clean for about 6 months, which is HUGE. I handle all of our bills and assets. He makes money, but he cannot spend it unless I am present, with the exception of online purchases. His parents will not hand him cash either, it goes right to me, and he has been okay with this. He has been through an intensive day program, but I cannot help him stick with a therapist, he doesn't seem to like anyone. He won't go to groups. He says their advice focuses on spending all of your time in church or in meetings, and he is not particularly religious.

    Well, I am in college. I decided to go back after putting my education on hold for eight years, and it seems every time a semester starts up again, he goes back to using. I don't have the patience for this anymore. I have kicked him out, for a week here or there, and I took him back if he agreed to get help. That worked before. This last time I confronted him, he slept in the spare room for a week and offered to seek help. He found himself a counselor, and has gone twice so far.

    In addition to my education, I have been giving him about $40.00 a week in spending cash. I thought it was enough to allow him to get lunches, and coffee and such during the week, but not enough to get high. I don't know how much cocaine cost, but I recently found out that 40 was enough, because he has been getting high weekly now.

    Last night, after coming home from a calculus midterm, he wasn't there. I shot him a text asking where he was.... no answer. I called... no answer. I knew what was going on. I called a few more times no answer. I then shot him a string of text and instructed him not to reply. I told him not to come home; not to call me; not to shoot me angry text; and to get his stuff while I was at school today. I informed him I was going to get the divorce paperwork. At about 2:00am he came home. I told him to go away, just leave now. He left the room. When I woke up, I found him in the spare room sleeping. I asked him if he was going to work. He said "No, I am going to call the therapist and go to a 28 day rehab." OH did I mention that our health insurance will cover a 28 day rehab in Florida, California, pretty much wherever he wants to go and the therapist said she could even get his flight paid for! Also, the state would pay him temporary disability insurance (1/2 his pay) while he was there. When she said that he said his problem wasn't that bad (minimizing anyone?)

    So to make a long story longer, part of me just wants to say its over. I am done. My education, and my life is more important than an addiction. I kicked him out and it is for good. I just want him to leave and I don't know how to get him out. Another part of me is glad that he wont leave. It means that our relationship is worth something to him. He will actively seek help like the last time, but if I take him back, will I go through this all over again. Also, I do not like the stress of managing his money for him. I have too much on my plate, and I feel bad when he asks for cash.

    I do not know where to go from here. I am frustrated to say the least!

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    Phoenix (05-22-2014)
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    Old 05-22-2014, 05:06 AM   #2
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    Re: Husband addicted to Cocaine. I can't take it anymore

    Hello bst1evr and welcome

    This "relationship" is designed with the vow of "for better or worse" but there comes a time where a person has to ask themselves if the "worse" portion is preventing them from growing as an individual.

    It appears to be stifling your progress at every turn and it seems that he's stuck;not really wanting to progress.

    This could only produce more misery down the road for you.

    You stated having anxiety and PTSD and need to take care of yourself,as he's not in any position to help enhance your quality of life.

    Additional stress is counter-productive to those with PTSD....

    That being said,you have to realize that everyone has a point;a "so-called" line to cross.

    I don't want to get too deep during the first reply but know if you would like to continue,i'll be around to respond.

    When in doubt, post it out.

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