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    Old 01-07-2003, 06:08 PM   #1
    leesaover's Avatar
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    Unhappy boyfriend is a cocaine addict

    My live in boyfriend is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. He went to an outpatient rehab back in Sept. and was doing much better. He stopped going to meetings about a month ago. Until yesterday he was clean for 3 months. He relapsed last night. I can't explain my disappointment. Everything was so good. We were ready to start trying to have a baby and get married. (I'm 30, he's 27) I feel like he just took all of my hopes and dreams away from me. He is very sorry and disappointed in himself and went to a meeting today. He is begging me to not give up on him. I don't know what to do now. Do I continue to support him? I know he regrets last night, but I don't know if I should stay with a man and plan to have a family with an addict. He says that he has guilt for horrible things he to people did as a teen. They run through his mind and make him feel guilty. He says when he's high, he forgets about those things. He was also sexually abused by someone, but he won't tell me who. I think it was his older brother. He started cross dressing as a child and still does it occasionally now. I found a bag full of clothes/shoes once so he had to confess. All of these things weigh on him, I'm the only person he has ever talked to about them. I am doomed? I love him so much and he really treats me good. He is the most loving, affectionate man I've ever met. But I don't know how to make him better.

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    Old 01-07-2003, 06:26 PM   #2
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    Hon - I hurt for ya. Sounds like you have given it your best.

    I hope he gets better. As for you, however, it seems that perhaps someone else should be the father of your children. Sounds like your boyfriend has numerous problems. Having those problems and trying to be a father at the same time is too big of a load to carry.

    Do what is best for your yet unconceived children.


    Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

    Old 01-07-2003, 06:46 PM   #3
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    I am a recovering coke addict. I have been clean for 10 years. I used because I was sexually abused by my grandfather and couldn't deal with that. I also had a lot of other issues to deal with. However, I could not stop doing the coke until I received counceling for my issues. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I did not want to discuss things but my husband put my marriage and the kids on the line. I used coke to numb the emotional pain of dealing with issues in counceling. But once I got everything worked out and dealt with I got treatment and was ready to stop using. I would strongly recomend that your boyfriend get counceling to deal with his issues or the problems will never go away and continue to eat at him. Until he does get help you are at a serious risk for a failed marriage/relationship. I also know that a coke addict will do anything to get more coke including putting their children at risk. I used to make drug buys at 2am with my babies in the back seat. I loved my kids but I was addicted. It was very stupid of me and my husband and I lost custody of our children for awhile. My husband lost custody because family protective services feels that he should have kicked me out of the home and protected the children. He didn't. We eventually were court ordered to do a bunch of stuff and finnally got custody of our kids back. Is this potentially what you want to set yourself up for? Kicking him out everytime that he uses to protect your child? How is the marriage going to last? I would think long and hard about having a child any time soon with him and maybe seperate for awhile and see if it was ment to be.

    Old 01-07-2003, 07:37 PM   #4
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    I agree with all of the above advice. YOU can't make him better. Here is the way I see it, you have two choices: move on, or stick it out a little longer. But whatever you do, DO NOT have children with him in this condition. Perhaps he needs a little more discomfort in his life in order to motivate him to get the help he needs and quit his habit. You might try moving out and see if MAYBE it will help change his mind. In the meantime, DO NOT have children with this man. I repeat DO NOT have children with him. Until he has been clean at least two years, I would not even think of having children. Did I mention DO NOT have children with him? You said that you are 30, and you may hear your "biological clock" ticking in the background, but he just may not be the right person with which to make a family. The reasons he lists as excuses for self-medicating are all cop-outs. Lots of people are abused and mistreated as children and never become dependent on substances. Lots of people who abuse drugs never had any harm come to them in the past. He is doing it because he wants to and it feels good and maybe it IS easier than dealing with any pain in his life. But he doesn't have to do it, there are better ways of dealing with problems. Until he realizes that, there is nothing anyone can do for him. I hope I am not being too harsh, but those are the facts as I see them. Maybe they will give you something to think about.

    Old 01-09-2003, 04:37 PM   #5
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    Hey, i feel your pain. I married a coke addict six years ago. He's been in rehab three times and relapsed every time. We have two small children that barely ever see their dad. For the last six years i've listened to how sorry he was, his "reasons" for using and how he'll change. He's cried, begged and pleaded with me not to give up him. But he's spent all of our money on drugs, abandoned our kids numerous times at daycare without telling me to pick them up, lost jobs, wrecked cars, and is now facing his second drug charge that will most likely land him in jail. Every holiday, birthday and vacation has been ruined by his using. My kids and I have very few happy memories of the last few years. And it only seems to be getting worse. Thats why i finally threw him and out and am moving on with my life. Maybe your boyfriend can and will change, but only he knows if he can, and ONLY he can do it. You can't help. I know, i've tried everything. If anything good can come from the pain i've had to experience it is that someone else will learn from experience and not make the same mistakes. Whatever you do please do not have children with him right now. Maybe in 5 years or so if he stays clean, but not now. My children barely know their father and what they do remember of him is not good, yet they love him and cry for him to come home. How do you explain to a three year old that he's better off if his daddy stays away? You can't, you can only watch it break their little hearts. There is nothing wrong with standing by your boyfriend, just don't get sucked in and let him use you and hurt you. Make him responsible for his life and his actions, don't pay his bills, remind him to go to meetings or take of his business for him. Gently make suggestions and if he takes them, great, if not, let it go. Make sure you take of yourself first. You can love him, I still love my husband for the man he once was, but just don't let his addiction ruin YOUR life. Good luck, i truly hope he changes, feel free to email me if you want to talk. [removed].com

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    Old 01-10-2003, 08:52 AM   #6
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    Greenberry gives WONDERFUL advice. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! I am an ex-heroin addict and still addicted to pain killers and I can tell you that it is the children that suffer the most. I have two children myself and my oldest daughter was taken from me when she was 2. She is now 8 and doesn't even remember living with me! I am now clean of heroin for 5 years. I also used to do cocaine. I agree that your boyfriend needs counseling for his problems. Being sexually abused is the main cause of his drug problem. Until he has come to terms with that he will NEVER stay clean. Remember, addicts are con artists too! Don't believe a word that he says. He will do it again! He will steal, lie, cheat and abuse to get his drugs, I know I have been there! Please, please, please don't have children with this man, it will be the worst mistake of the child's life and always remember the decisions you make today effect your children's lives for the rest of their lives. Don't start your child's life out with a mistake. GOOD LUCK AND STAY STRONG.
    Have a Blessed Day!


    Old 01-11-2003, 10:47 AM   #7
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    You have to learn what it is like to live with an active addict. Do more research and you will find that the wife and children of an addict suffer the most. The addict is having the time of his life using his drugs and living in a fantasy world. Thats not a life for you or your children. Please read more about addicts. Type in a google seach for cocaine addiction.

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