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    Old 03-20-2014, 05:15 PM   #1
    Join Date: Mar 2014
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    Leisha1586 HB User
    New here and need advice

    Hello. My story is a bit long, so please forgive me.

    I lost my husband of 10 years to liver failure in 2008 (an alcoholic). I joined a young widow online support group and starting talking with a widower who also lost his wife to alcoholism. Our spouses were 35 and 37. Too young. At first, we helped each other with grief and support, but very quickly we developed a connection. Soon we were emailing each other 50 times a day. We were exactly 3 hours apart. We decided to take a chance and meet. Fast forward five years later, I had been living with him for 3 years, hopeful that marriage was coming for us.

    It was in the last year that I noticed changes. Excessive drinking, severe depression, staying up late, not wanting sex, constant texting and being on the computer, excessive grief coming back, failing at work, personality changes.

    He went to therapy and whatever happened in that session freaked him out so badly that he never went back. I started becoming suspicious of his behavior. I felt he was talking to someone online but I didn't want to go through his phone. I noticed when he drank more, he would get flirty with women right in front of me. he texted my best friend telling her he had thought of her in a fantasy while having sex with me and to please not tell me bc I wouldn't be able to handle it. Well, she did tell me, and he was right. He blamed it on alcohol. Said he wasn't attracted to her. I finally couldn't take it and I went on his ******** and found a message btw him and another widow from our group. They were helping each other with personal problems. He was sharing his life with her. Telling about problems with me that I didn't even know were problems. Helping her with her relationship problems. Two days later, I asked him straight out if he was talking to anyone online or texting and I even named this person. His answer: No way. A couple days later, I went through his phone. And found something I was not expecting. Besides the texting with this woman, I found that he had become obsessed with a certain porn star. Over the last two years, he had been buying her gifts ranging from lingerie, designer shoes, sexy clothing, 100-dollar gift cards, perfume, and the most hurtful, diamond earrings. He had spent over 3K on this woman just to get a picture of her wearing the things he sent her. He also was dabbling in live cam girls and buying them gifts for live shows. There were two other porn stars that he also was buying gifts for.

    I totally lost it and confronted him at 3 am. He started crying, saying he didn't know what was wrong with him and he would get help and yadda, yadda,yadda. I stayed the night at his sister-in-laws and came home the following Monday. On my way out the door to pick up work, a voice told me to check his credit cards. He had three months of bills stacked up that he hadn't bothered to pay. I opened the first one and found a charge of 1400 dollars at a strip club while I was out of town. He has never been in a strip club ever. I know this for a fact. He was there until closing in a private room. I was sure he went there looking for an extra. To this day, I don't know what he got, and I don't know if I believe him that he didn't get anything.

    I lost it again and called him at work asking what the hell was wrong with him. He had no answer. The best I could ever get out of him was he loved the attention I gave him. He never got that from his late wife. When he got a taste, he wanted more. He said he knew he was out of control and didn't know what he was doing. He said he felt so guilty from the strip club that he couldn't even face his son and stayed in his bedroom all day. He didn't even call his father on father's day bc he felt so ashamed. I remember him texting me the day after, (when I didn't know what he had done) and asking me when I was coming home and that he needed me. that he felt lost and depressed and really needed me to come home. I knew something was wrong.

    After finding all this out, I started going through everything. I was obsessed with finding out all he had done. I found another woman he had been talking to right after I moved in and she told me he seemed like he wanted to help her with problems but quickly turned the conversation to what she said was "off" and "odd" and that he started saying things to her that you only say to someone you are in a relationship with. He said he wanted to visit her and explore the city with her. He called her "baby." At that point, she texted him telling him he crossed a line and that she knew we were in a relationship together and what he was doing and saying was inappropriate. The next day, he texted her an apology and they never spoke again. he admitted this all to me when I confronted him. He said he was looking for someone else to talk to at night when I was in bed.

    I moved away. He ended up booting me out bc he couldn't handle me snooping through his stuff. We were broke up for 1 month and then decided to try it long distance, which is how we started out. It's been so hard. We fight about the past all the time. Before I left, he bad mouthed and lied about me to his friends and his mother in texts and told a female friend she was "better" than me and that I was crazy.

    He's supposed to get therapy, which he started but hasn't been back since end of January. He's supposed to curb his drinking, but he hasn't done that either. He actually told me that if he didn't have his son, he would be in the garage with his car running bc he has messed his life up so badly. His work life is a mess. He's in credit card debt. He was a successful and well respected and now everyone has lost respect for him and wondering what's happened to him.

    I feel bad to walk away. At the same time, it is exhausting being with him. I don't know if we can ever work this out.

    I should admit that during this whole process, I angrily blurted out "secrets" I knew about his late wife. That she had cheated on him. I know that was wrong, but I was so hurt and I wasn't thinking. His friends and his family hate me bc of this. He tells me he can never forgive me for that.

    I don't know what I'm doing. I think I should give up. I know he wants to try but he says he knows i don't trust him and may never trust him. Sometimes I think he is right. I just don't know what to do. I feel like he is still doing something. I did see that he was "looking" online but hadn't signed up and didn't have a profile. He was just looking at women in his area out of "curiosity." I feel like there's a porn addiction or some kind of something bc he was going to all these sites. I can't really wrap my head around what has happened to him. He's not the same person, and he knows he has many problems. We continue to see each other once a month, but I don't know if we are prolonging the inevitable.

    Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry so long.

    Last edited by Administrator; 03-20-2014 at 05:52 PM.

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    Old 03-20-2014, 10:06 PM   #2
    Stupid feet
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    Re: New here and need advice

    Wow! I've heard these stories so many times. They lie, lie & lie until there is actual evidence and then it's "I'm so horrible, I need help" that's so you'll feel sorry for him & stay with him. You find more & more stuff & he can't blame himself anymore because he's not doing any of the things he said he'd do to change or get help, so he starts blaming you for his problems. If he makes you feel bad enough about yourself, you'll probably stay with him. He's done all of this horrible stuff to you and he tells you he can never forgive you for blurting something out (that's true) just because his x-wife is dead? Please go back and read your post and pretend its one if your best friends telling you this about her life. You would probably tell her to end it now! I'm sure you can do way, way better than him. He's a lying, cheating, pervert that doesn't care enough about you to even keep your best friend out if his sick life. Sorry, honey! Go! Cut off all ties and move on! Believe it or not, there are some really nice guys out there, I bet you'll find one!

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    rosequartz (03-21-2014)
    Old 03-20-2014, 11:28 PM   #3
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    Re: New here and need advice

    I'm sorry you have found another alcoholic to take care of. Isn't it time that you find out who you are and stop all contact with this current alcoholic. The only thing he is addicted to is alcohol and you can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. Why don't you find a real brick and mortar group of just broken women or if you have insurance get some help in the form of a psychologist and stay away from men for a while until you can live on your own without a man in your life. Stay busy and find some volunteer work perhaps at a humane society. If you insist that you need to stay in this relationship then go to a free Al-anon group in your area and learn how to live with an alcoholic. Many years ago i had to make a choice and decided I didn't want to learn how to live with an alcoholic so I left with all the kids and never looked back. Good luck to you.

    Old 03-21-2014, 07:01 AM   #4
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    Re: New here and need advice

    you know what you need to do......this guy is toxic and you need to get him out of your can do it...don't look back

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