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  • Why am I in love with an Addict?!

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    Old 03-22-2014, 01:19 PM   #1
    Jenny1955
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    Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    Everyday I wake up in what feels like a nightmare, almost as if I am watching another persons life. It started about 8 months ago, I went to rehab for a pain pill addiction that was brought on by medical reasons with a sprinkle of recreational use. There I met him, he was there also for a pain pill addiction due to a skateboarding accident that happened years earlier. I was married and was in no way looking to find someone else, let alone in rehab. Nothing sparked in the facility, in fact I was quite turned off by his inability to follow the program, he portrayed a sense of entitlement and for lack of better term a total "jerk off". It was about a month later after I got out and I messaged him knowing he would be staying in the area at a sober living house, and figured it would be a positive to spend time with people in a similar situation. We started spending time together everyday, lots of time! Somehow things turned from "friends" to little hints of a romance starting, we both didn't want to give totally give in, I think we were both totally confused at what the hell was going on. My marriage was basically already over before I went to rehab and going through the process really showed me that being unhappy is not something you have to live with, especially if it's something you can change. So I asked for a separation and my husband moved a cross country within 24 hours back to our hometown. At this point, we had begun to be romantic. It was an emotional intense first few weeks, we both agreed that we never felt this way about people in our past. It was like a teenager relationship, we held hands, couldn't stop kissing each other and talked for hours in the park. After my husband left, he basically moved in right away. He wanted to leave the sober house anyways and we figured that we already spend so much time together so why not, plus him being there would help out with my loss of income. The first few months were amazing. He was perfect, made me laugh and smile like no one before. Yeah it wasn't work a lot (he works for his dad in another state) but it didn't matter, his presence just gave me a sense of peace against all the craziness going on in my life. The first month he didn't use any medication, but being around him I could see how much pain he was in. We talked about him starting again, under doctor supervision, and I agreed as long as he followed instructions and took them as prescribed, no snorting. I found out he was buying them and that angered me because I felt he was making no effort to call a doctor. So I set him an appointment up with a pain management doctor. We both went to the appointment and the doctor reviewed his history and agreed, but he needed him to get an MRI to prescribe anything over low dose pain pills. He complained and complained the pills did nothing, but he wouldn't take the next step and schedule the MRI. Two months went by no MRI. He was taking the Norcos, but then stuff started appearing odd. I worked in the service industry and made tips. I would notice that my money wasn't adding up to the amount I had the night before. He would leave for hours and say it went to a restaurant and then the hour long bathroom trips started occurring. He was always broke or having issues with his card, so I was paying for everything at this point and really have been the whole time. Around Christmas, I decided I was going to move home to be with my family. We talked about him coming and after a few talks he said he wanted to come. I was beyond excited, he was the love of my life and I wanted to be with me always. After the new year I was packing up my house and I was cleaning a closet. He was out of the house, he said he was buying me a "present". As I am cleaning I notice an empty box with tissue in it and find a tin foil ball next to it. Completely perplexed I start opening the box and the tin foil. The first thing I noticed was the overwhelming smell of vinegar coming from the tin foil. Still confused, I go to google... my nightmare begins... it's H!! I immediately started crying, I kept thinking how is this even possible. My life doesn't include H, never has, never will. He arrived home and I confronted him and he admitted it. What hurt the most was that I was busting my butt at work, paying for everything, buying him gifts and he is spending any money he has on H. When all he had to do was getting a freaking MRI! He promised me he would go to a doctor. He finally got the MRI. He continued to use H, because the doctor couldn't get him in or something. At the end of January we moved into a hotel room for the last few weeks before we moved, because everything was packed. He would leave me for hours, like 7 hours, while he went to go get his fix alone at a hotel. A few times this happened, a couple times he told me was going to the room and I would be downstairs and then an hour would go by and I would notice his car gone. Everyday I woke up with a sense of severe doom and dread. My initial feelings with him of live and excitement were replaced with anger and hate. Yet I still loved him. A lot. I threatened him, made ultimatums, yelled, cried, nothing got through to him. A few days before we moved he met with a doctor who finally prescribed him what he was looking for and that I believed was the end of the bad dream. The last three weeks were awesome, almost a sense of what we used to be, but I still was angry and hurt by the past events but was really trying to move past it. Then 5 days ago he ran out, I have spent my time in ERs, urgent cares so he could find a doctor to prescribe him more. We are in a different state now so he doesn't have a doctor here. I did tell him a month ago he should start looking for one to avoid this! Well he started withdrawing and being an awful person to be around. He took me on a drug run so he could get H, I was terrified, it was in a horrific part of town and a cop actually asked what the hell were doing there. Come to find out he went the day earlier and already bought some. We went to an ER and finally a doctor prescribed him a 5 day supply, but getting it filled is becoming a problem because it's a week early. So now I am on the H train once again with him. Meanwhile, I have spent any amount of money I had on him and us surviving. His family sent him money and less than 24 hours he spent $240 on this junk! Yesterday he left me at a hotel to get more, right before we were to check out, it turned into an hour and a half and I was forced to wait outside in the cold because it was past check out time. We were supposed to be moved into a place right now, but we still haven't found a place because his attention and energy is being spent on this garbage. I feel so lost. Be both come from great upbringings and the thought that this is my life seems so surreal. The problem is that I still love him like the first day, but I can't stand to have this be my life anymore.

    Last edited by mod85; 03-22-2014 at 01:23 PM.

     
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    Old 03-24-2014, 11:50 AM   #2
    naegirl73
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    Re: Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    I have wasted the last 6years of my life trying to help a oxi addict.. alls I can tell you is I am now 40years old wishing I could get my life back to where I was before I met him.. You can not change a addict.. the love you have will not change him.. and no matter how bad it hurts .. it is better to let go .. you may be more attracted to the excitement you get from the highs and lows of the relationship.. not even realizing it. I do not know your age but I am sure it would be easier to hear .... stay.. stick it out... but honestly life is to short and you are not living it.. trying to change someone... he will not change till he is ready!!

     
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    Old 12-18-2014, 10:52 PM   #3
    Seraph
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    Re: Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    He may be the love of your life, but you will NEVER be the love of his. You come after pain medicine and heroin, and if you like always being in third place, being kept around as a useful source of money and enablement, you are in the right place.

    Last edited by mod85; 12-19-2014 at 03:49 AM.

     
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    Old 01-02-2015, 02:07 AM   #4
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    Re: Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    To put it plain and simple....

    We are attracted to the familiar.

    If someone is hurt and is a sensitive individual,they will be attracted to the same.

    One need not be a drug addict,to have similar addictive qualities.

    Some are addicted to love,shopping;even shoplifting.

    Some see pain in themselves that they identify with another individual....

    The scope is vast.

    I want to wish you a Happy New Year and hope that this year proves more positively illuminating than the last.

    As always,we're here if or when you need us.

    Respectfully
    Phoenix
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    Old 01-16-2015, 08:44 PM   #5
    oxygirl
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    Re: Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jenny1955 View Post
    Everyday I wake up in what feels like a nightmare, almost as if I am watching another persons life. It started about 8 months ago, I went to rehab for a pain pill addiction that was brought on by medical reasons with a sprinkle of recreational use. There I met him, he was there also for a pain pill addiction due to a skateboarding accident that happened years earlier. I was married and was in no way looking to find someone else, let alone in rehab. Nothing sparked in the facility, in fact I was quite turned off by his inability to follow the program, he portrayed a sense of entitlement and for lack of better term a total "jerk off". It was about a month later after I got out and I messaged him knowing he would be staying in the area at a sober living house, and figured it would be a positive to spend time with people in a similar situation. We started spending time together everyday, lots of time! Somehow things turned from "friends" to little hints of a romance starting, we both didn't want to give totally give in, I think we were both totally confused at what the hell was going on. My marriage was basically already over before I went to rehab and going through the process really showed me that being unhappy is not something you have to live with, especially if it's something you can change. So I asked for a separation and my husband moved a cross country within 24 hours back to our hometown. At this point, we had begun to be romantic. It was an emotional intense first few weeks, we both agreed that we never felt this way about people in our past. It was like a teenager relationship, we held hands, couldn't stop kissing each other and talked for hours in the park. After my husband left, he basically moved in right away. He wanted to leave the sober house anyways and we figured that we already spend so much time together so why not, plus him being there would help out with my loss of income. The first few months were amazing. He was perfect, made me laugh and smile like no one before. Yeah it wasn't work a lot (he works for his dad in another state) but it didn't matter, his presence just gave me a sense of peace against all the craziness going on in my life. The first month he didn't use any medication, but being around him I could see how much pain he was in. We talked about him starting again, under doctor supervision, and I agreed as long as he followed instructions and took them as prescribed, no snorting. I found out he was buying them and that angered me because I felt he was making no effort to call a doctor. So I set him an appointment up with a pain management doctor. We both went to the appointment and the doctor reviewed his history and agreed, but he needed him to get an MRI to prescribe anything over low dose pain pills. He complained and complained the pills did nothing, but he wouldn't take the next step and schedule the MRI. Two months went by no MRI. He was taking the Norcos, but then stuff started appearing odd. I worked in the service industry and made tips. I would notice that my money wasn't adding up to the amount I had the night before. He would leave for hours and say it went to a restaurant and then the hour long bathroom trips started occurring. He was always broke or having issues with his card, so I was paying for everything at this point and really have been the whole time. Around Christmas, I decided I was going to move home to be with my family. We talked about him coming and after a few talks he said he wanted to come. I was beyond excited, he was the love of my life and I wanted to be with me always. After the new year I was packing up my house and I was cleaning a closet. He was out of the house, he said he was buying me a "present". As I am cleaning I notice an empty box with tissue in it and find a tin foil ball next to it. Completely perplexed I start opening the box and the tin foil. The first thing I noticed was the overwhelming smell of vinegar coming from the tin foil. Still confused, I go to google... my nightmare begins... it's H!! I immediately started crying, I kept thinking how is this even possible. My life doesn't include H, never has, never will. He arrived home and I confronted him and he admitted it. What hurt the most was that I was busting my butt at work, paying for everything, buying him gifts and he is spending any money he has on H. When all he had to do was getting a freaking MRI! He promised me he would go to a doctor. He finally got the MRI. He continued to use H, because the doctor couldn't get him in or something. At the end of January we moved into a hotel room for the last few weeks before we moved, because everything was packed. He would leave me for hours, like 7 hours, while he went to go get his fix alone at a hotel. A few times this happened, a couple times he told me was going to the room and I would be downstairs and then an hour would go by and I would notice his car gone. Everyday I woke up with a sense of severe doom and dread. My initial feelings with him of live and excitement were replaced with anger and hate. Yet I still loved him. A lot. I threatened him, made ultimatums, yelled, cried, nothing got through to him. A few days before we moved he met with a doctor who finally prescribed him what he was looking for and that I believed was the end of the bad dream. The last three weeks were awesome, almost a sense of what we used to be, but I still was angry and hurt by the past events but was really trying to move past it. Then 5 days ago he ran out, I have spent my time in ERs, urgent cares so he could find a doctor to prescribe him more. We are in a different state now so he doesn't have a doctor here. I did tell him a month ago he should start looking for one to avoid this! Well he started withdrawing and being an awful person to be around. He took me on a drug run so he could get H, I was terrified, it was in a horrific part of town and a cop actually asked what the hell were doing there. Come to find out he went the day earlier and already bought some. We went to an ER and finally a doctor prescribed him a 5 day supply, but getting it filled is becoming a problem because it's a week early. So now I am on the H train once again with him. Meanwhile, I have spent any amount of money I had on him and us surviving. His family sent him money and less than 24 hours he spent $240 on this junk! Yesterday he left me at a hotel to get more, right before we were to check out, it turned into an hour and a half and I was forced to wait outside in the cold because it was past check out time. We were supposed to be moved into a place right now, but we still haven't found a place because his attention and energy is being spent on this garbage. I feel so lost. Be both come from great upbringings and the thought that this is my life seems so surreal. The problem is that I still love him like the first day, but I can't stand to have this be my life anymore.
    I am so sorry for you....and I have been there done that....married for 19 years to a man who was bipolar (undiagnosed until after the divorce) and he had an ongoing struggle with xanax and crack addiction. he was also abusive when he didn't hear what he wanted to hear...he wanted me to be okay with the crap.....went to an amusesment park one time and was there 15 minutes before i realized he had to have just taken about 5 xanax. slurring and acting like a fool....me with 3 kids all under 10.....it took me until my oldest was 18 to get rid of him......I don't know how your bf is as far as temper wise but when my ex didn't have his drugs we all paid the price. he was verbally abusive and if anyone bucked up to him it would become physical..... I hate him..... my children have all suffered emotionally. I never let him hurt them because i would always get in the middle which didn't always end well for me. I had nobody to help me with my kids, i was scared and didn't really know what to do.....i wish i had been stronger.... long story short....that love turns real quickly to hate. have him evaluated for bipolar or any other mental diseases if he is willing.... maybe he needs mental meds also. i know a lot of people who become opiate dependent....usually doesn't lead to an H addiction so he may have underlying issues.....just remember, you don't want to be a middle aged woman and look back on your life with regret for being with someone who ruined your life....good luck to you...i know how hard this is for you

     
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    Old 01-23-2015, 12:21 PM   #6
    maxpow99
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    Re: Why am I in love with an Addict?!

    One day he might get his life together. As an addict myself I know I have hurt the women who loved me most and I will continue to hurt new ladies until I can separate my emotions and be happy without drowning myself in alcohol. If he doesn't want to quit he won't. Maybe losing you will be the catalyst that triggers him to get himself straight.

    Rock bottom is when you've lost the one thing you weren't willing to lose to your addiction. Some people that is death. Some people it isn't so drastic.

    Give him like 3 years, maybe it will improve without you around and you can start your life together again.

    Last edited by maxpow99; 01-23-2015 at 12:23 PM.

     
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