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literally lying awake

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Old 04-01-2012, 07:52 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2012
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lyingawake HB User
Question literally lying awake

Hi, my name is charity and i am 18, i lost my mother a few months ago to pancreatic cancer and do not know what to do with myself. Never in my life have i felt so much pain and been filled with so much regret. At a time i blamed my mother for every bad thingthat happened in my life and now i feel worthless and stupid. How could i not see she did everything in her life to protect me? I dream nightmares, reliving yhe night she dies and i still seem to be awaiting her return. These dreams, the ones that leave me hopeless are the ones my mind has seemed to catch on to. I know depression i taking hold of me once again. How can i not let it, if ever there was a time me for to suffer, this seems the right time. I miss her. and i just want to kiss her again and tell her how much i love her but i will never get that chance again. My life seems futile and i am lost.
I love you mom.

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boobootwo (04-02-2012)
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:06 PM   #2
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Re: literally lying awake

i lost my father when i was a few years older than you. he was an everyday drinker and had viral hepatitus when he was young, (in the war days). he drank to sedate because he worried about everything. about 6 months after he died, i started having panic attacks. couldn't understand at the time, but i finally learned that i blamed myself for his death, in a way. i was very close to my father when i was young. i finally learned that there was nothing i could have done. he didn't want to stop drinking and i thought that i should have intervened and made him stop because we were close. i lost my mom 2 years ago and mom and i became best friends. i miss her like crazy because we used to talk every single nite on the phone or share dinners or shop together. the sad part is that life is a cycle. we're all born, we live our lives the best we can and then sadly, we die. don't look at it as if your mom is gone. she's not. our entire bodies are made of molecular energy. energy doesn't die. it remains in the universe. your mother lives in you. your memories of her. when we're young we all challenge our parents and we aren't exactly easy to get along with because we're young and want to live our lives and at that age, we tend to think we're invincible. don't blame yourself because you think you could have been a better daughter. feel wonderful because you had the mother that you did...even if it wasn't for all of your life. remember her and she lives.
here's the poem my sisters and i chose for my mothers' not stand at my grave and weep. i am not there; i do not sleep. i am a thousand winds that blow, i am the diamond glints on snow, i am the sun on ripened grain, i am the gentle autumn rain. when you awaken in the morning's hush, i am the swift uplifting rush...of quiet birds in circled flight. i am the soft stars that shine at night. do not stand at my grave and cry...i am not there; i did not die.

your mother lives on in you sweetie. just try to make the same choices in your life that your mother would want you too. you will live on, you will become stronger....because life throws hardballs....but you will always catch them and go on. hope this helps sweetie. your mom is always with you.

Last edited by boobootwo; 04-01-2012 at 09:07 PM. Reason: mispell

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