HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/family-friends-mentally-ill/)
-   -   getting rid of a sociopath - how to do? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/family-friends-mentally-ill/1030886-getting-rid-sociopath-how-do.html)

rosequartz 02-13-2017 10:36 AM

getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
in a relationship with a guy who fits the description of a sociopath. I'm not happy, but am having a hard time getting rid of him because I feel guilty that he is so pathetic and helpless. Also he is manipulative and can't take care of himself. He's always got some problem, and it's always an argument to get him to go to work. Now he's out of a car and I'm taking him to work, but he fights about taking the train to my house in the morning because he has to walk too far and his leg hurts. It's always something with him, excuses on top of excuses and I don't like him anymore, I don't enjoy his company and feel much better when I'm by myself. I'm to the point of giving him $500 to put down on a car and tell him don't ever contact me again, I'm done. He has problems and doesn't try to solve them, just expects someone else will step up and rescue him. I've been there for him but I'm getting tired......very tired....but feel like I would feel guilty for dumping him, He says I always kick him when he's down, problem is he's never up....
I don't like him and I don't like myself when I'm around him, he brings out the worst in me......any suggestions on how to cut the cord?

Dragonfly Wings 02-13-2017 12:20 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Great big hugs hunni, it sounds as though your mind is fairly set on leaving this person behind but are you worried about how he might react when you break things off?

I don't think giving him money towards a car is going to help, he's just getting another easy way out and needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Can you just be honest with him that you're no longer happy and don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer? Be open and tell him how you're feeling and that this is the end of it. You're supposed to be his equal - not his Mother :/ I can understand why you would have those feelings of guilt but it seems that he has brought this upon himself and you can't fix those who do not wish to be fixed unfortunately and it's unfair for you to suffer in the mean time :(

Best of luck for a bright & happy future!
K xx

rosequartz 02-13-2017 12:49 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
he absolutely has brought this on himself, all his problems, and he dug himself a good hole this time without having a car he will lose his job. I am willing to take him in the morning to work and that's fine. I want to help him keep his job, although I know it's not my responsibility. I told him I'm not willing to let him stay by my house all week so he doesn't have to take the train, but if he gets the train to my house I will take him. He has been staying over on the weekends and I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. his credit is bad, his own bad choices, etc, so he was finally able to find a place who will finance him but he needs $500 for the down payment. This has been a few weeks now and he's really no closer to getting it. It would be worth it to me to give it to him and just say don't contact me anymore. I would have to wait until he accepted it and had the car to tell him that or he would put up a fight etc. he said if he took the money it's only on the condition I don't throw it up in his face. I don't think he is in any position to put conditions on anything.....I know I deserve better. He wanted me to cosign a loan and a very nice expletive with YOU on the end of it came out of my mouth.......I should have just said no, but it just came out. That's how much I don't like him, don't respect him, don't love him. I resent him. I can almost say I have contempt for him. My mother has helped him too, by letting him borrow her car, but then he has no plan to get one of his own, she doesn't want to lend it indefinitely, only if he has a plan to improve his situation. He says he does and then for some reason it always falls thru. he lies to everyone about everything. I know this. He has no integrity and not a lot of common sense.....but this guy is dependent on me while claiming he doesn't need me.

Dragonfly Wings 02-13-2017 01:49 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Yikes what a pickle (((hugs))). He certainly seems very dependent on you, that's going to be hard to break as it seems he relies on you for everything! What would he be doing without you taking him to work? Does he pay for fuel or anything for you to be taking him?

It does sound as though you have a lot of resentment towards him, but with good reason too!

I wish I could make things better for you, or at least easier right now so this transition isn't so difficult for you.

Best of luck!
K.

rosequartz 02-13-2017 02:17 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
his answer was to call into work and ask for a leave of absence......for what? how is that going to help you get a car? If you don't have income you won't get the car and you will lose your job then what? He says his health is more important since his leg is bothering him and he had a dr apt a week ago and cancelled because he couldn't afford the co-payment. So you lose your job then you won't have insurance. He's just hitting bottom and digging deeper. Then he says if he loses his job it's my fault. I know that's not true but I still don't want him to lose his job. This is an unhealthy relationship, I know it, my mom even came to the conclusion he's a lost cause and she knows I deserve better. Both my mom and I are empaths and empaths attract sociopaths because they can sense that they will feel sorry for them. I was raised to never hurt anyones feelings and to try to help people. My mom said that was bad advice, that you have to help the RIGHT people...people who will appreciate it. He lived with me for 3 years and it was very hard to get him out of the house. I had to get rid of him because he is too needy and he ends up taking over my life with all his problems. Everything is always about him and if he doesn't get his way he turns into a real jerk. I resist giving him his way on a lot of things. I got him out of the house and the only way I did was by telling him I wasn't breaking up with him, it was a break because I can't do this anymore. I should have ended it then. That was 5 years ago. He burns every bridge he ever crosses. I made it clear many times that he isn't moving back in with me and I mean that.....that for sure won't happen.

rosequartz 02-13-2017 02:20 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
and no he hasn't given me any gas money......but he still owes me some money from January when his landlord was going to throw him out. I gave him some money for the rent he was behind. He pays me a little bit every week, but it just never ends with him.

Seraph 02-13-2017 08:26 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Accept the fact that you are choosing to live this way because YOU don't want to feel bad and guilty for kicking him to the kerb. It is YOU and only YOU that you have to deal with in this situation. It is YOUR feelings you are trying to spare. Toughen up, accept that you will feel like ****** about going against your non confrontational empath nature and do what you know is the sensible thing. Sitting there making excuses is just hiding from this fact. Give him the heave-ho, he will find another sucker pretty quickly...these people always do. Sera

quincy 02-14-2017 08:48 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
You need counselling so that you can get your emotional and mental strength to start establishing boundaries. Does he have a place of his own?

Self preservation....you need to believe the importance of it because he has his down 100%. Being en empath i dont think is an excuse of accepting what you attract. If you were more aware of your subconscious personal actions you might not be as vulnerable.

It's not going to be easy, but the relationship is both ways for some pay-off on your end, or you would have released yourself long ago.

Maybe look up how addicts function and how alanon works. The concept is the same. Counselling as well. Give him notice and change your locks asap if he has a key, and any other access such as bank or credit cards, etc.

Hang tough, trust in yourself and gain support from others who can help you through this process.

I forgot to ask.....how long together and have you broken up in the past?

q

rosequartz 02-14-2017 09:06 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Seraph - I know that he will find someone to help him, you're right, these types always do. He uses people until he uses them up and then moves on to the next one. And you're probably right, I'm worried about my own feelings feeling bad about doing it. I'm just trying to do the right thing and be a good person

quincy I know the boundries are an issue and also an issue with my mom. I have had to set her boundries for her in some cases because she can't set her own. he lived with me for 3 years. I kicked him out of the house after three years as a way to strengthen my boundries. That was 5 years ago. He lives in an apartment with 2 other room mates. I do say no to things frequently and I call him out on his gaslighting BS.

Dragonfly Wings 02-14-2017 11:34 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Big hugs rosequartz! You've taken the first step towards regaining your own space, the world is now your oyster :)

I can't add anything that hasn't been hashed over, but always up for a chat if you need one, or an outsider's ear just to listen. Sometimes that's all the strength we need to push up off our butts and seek what we are looking for.... in your case it is your freedom from this man so you can happily stand on your own two feet without him dragging you down, and that is not selfish at all! It is selfish of him to be clinging on the way he is, especially after 8yrs or so of putting up with it :(

Take care!
K.

quincy 02-14-2017 07:15 PM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
rosequartz,..seems you may have learned some of the behaviour issues honestly from your mom. My mom's bourdaries were severly blurred for many people.....especially my brother. She allowed and invited people to become dependent on her and they took advantage. But when she drank, she complained bitterly.

Keep in mind that you've beccome the enabler in the relationship and are purely nurturing his behaviour. You're being passive- aggressive yet not letting go of someone who cannot gain control of his life and you reward the very things you loathe. It's symbiotic.

Food for thought. Please consider therapy or counselling support.

q

rosequartz 02-15-2017 06:54 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
[QUOTE=quincy;5449692]rosequartz,..seems you may have learned some of the behaviour issues honestly from your mom. My mom's bourdaries were severly blurred for many people.....especially my brother. She allowed and invited people to become dependent on her and they took advantage. But when she drank, she complained bitterly.

Keep in mind that you've beccome the enabler in the relationship and are purely nurturing his behaviour. You're being passive- aggressive yet not letting go of someone who cannot gain control of his life and you reward the very things you loathe. It's symbiotic.

Food for thought. Please consider therapy or counselling support.

q[/QUOTE]

I'm sure this is from my mom.....I read the book co-dependent no more and gave it to her to read. I know she is passive aggressive and sometimes I get so mad at her and yell at her to stand up for herself, stop being so passive, etc. She will do anything for anyone and always puts everyone elses needs above her own including the waitress at a restaurant. If they ask her what kind of toast she wants she says, I don't care, whatevers easier, and I get mad and say no mom, pick one, what do YOU want.

quincy 02-15-2017 10:49 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
Interesting. Or maybe your anger about it pleases her? Make her burned toast and see if she complains, lol.

Regarding books....have you read Scott Pecks PEOPLE OF THE LIE? If not, it might give you another perspective on behaviour.
q

rosequartz 02-15-2017 11:25 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath - how to do?
 
[QUOTE=quincy;5449746]Interesting. Or maybe your anger about it pleases her? Make her burned toast and see if she complains, lol.

Regarding books....have you read Scott Pecks PEOPLE OF THE LIE? If not, it might give you another perspective on behaviour.
q[/QUOTE]

interesting book suggestion, I looked it up just now and see it is regarding narcissism, which I do have a little knowledge of.....I attract them for sure.
I read malignant self-love by Sam Vaknin and the author himself is a narcissist, so you get it straight from the horses mouth, so to speak....
that looks like an interesting book, thanks for the idea!

esker 02-15-2017 11:34 AM

Re: getting rid of a sociopath
 
In regards to the person starting this thread, rosequartz, another worthwhile read is Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro. One of the author's important points is that these people need professional help. Since we are not professionals, we must not to try to help them, and instead we must separate ourselves from them.

For me personally, I would forgive any loans already made, and definitely not give them any more money, as that would only encourage them to maintain contact.

It might be worth spending some of the $500 to buy an hour with an attorney for mapping out a strategy to protect yourself.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:59 PM.