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    Old 06-13-2018, 12:31 AM   #1
    masanch97's Avatar
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    My boyfriend is depressed

    Hi everyone, I'm new here, but I'm writing because I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 21 years old, me and my boyfriend have been together for two years, we both are university students and we are studying the same. It's been a while since I have think he was depression, I have read a lot of forum and the symptoms match. I feel like I'm losing him, there are this days when he has an optimistic view and makes plans for the future, but when a problem arrive he started feeling worthless, like he is incapable of doing the most smallest thing, he feel like he is not made for this life, sometimes he isn't even capable of getting up from his bed and doing the smallest task like eating and taking care of himself. He also suffer from nightmares so sleeping it's hard for him, sometimes he goes for days without proper sleep. The thing is he was a scholarship to keep, but sometimes he isn't able to study and I try to help him with the studies, remember him of the deadlines, sometimes even I end up going to his home but he feels worse like he can't do anything by himself, maybe I'm pushing him too much but I don't know how else to help. And when he is in his depressive mood he always trying to push me, to hurt me so I will stay away from him, I have tried the encouraging words I have read on forums but honestly he just get worse.

    I live with my parents and there are some restrictions in my life and sometimes he wants me to be at his beck and call but I can't, I have a family, and responsibilities I have to keep. I can't take care of him and me both and the same time, I have read a lot about taking care of myself first but that gets him angry at me, it's like i'm not allowed to do anything without him. I sometimes think that our relationship isn't even healthy and try to talk to him about it but we won't hear me out, I have try talking to talk to someone to help him but he doesn't want to.
    Sorry for the long post, hope someone can offer me some advice or help.
    Thank you

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    Old 06-13-2018, 07:11 AM   #2
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    Re: My boyfriend is depressed

    Dear masanch97,

    You certainly are allowed to take care of your own responsibilities first and it is your job to have that priority. Refuse to listen to that whining manipulation. That is not being a responsible friend to you. I wish someone had told me that when I was young and confused about relationships.

    I agree that your relationship with this guy is not healthy. Your friend is an adult and he has to take responsibility for himself. He is not your child. None of us have the power to fix anyone, not even our children, esp. not a boyfriend. People are what they are. You cannot help him fix himself. Trying to help him fix himself reinforces his feeling of powerlessness. We each have to do what it takes to make change in our own lives. Whatever you do, don't risk getting pregnant with him. It would be a disaster for all of you. Concentrate on your own family and education. It may feel like abandonment but it never helps to mother an adult, esp not a boyfriend.

    Don't feel sorry for him. That just feeds helplessness and depression. You must step away emotionally so you are not entangled in his self-pity. You can suggest that he talk to the school counselor or see a regular doctor. He might need to change career direction or have a physical problem going on. At any rate, let him know that you expect him to take care of his responsibilities, because you have responsibilities you have to take care of. Make sure to not take responsibility for him in any way. It would just make him feel like a child and more depressed.

    Believe in him that he can do what is needed. He can. He has to choose to want to do that. Something is holding him back that you cannot know or fix. He may need to change schools or stop college for awhile. College isn't for everyone. Encourage him to open up to a school counselor to figure out what he needs to change in his life to feel good about it. Two of my children excelled in college and have high powered jobs, but another one hated the slow pace of college classes and became a self-made very successful entrepreneur with a very successful business.

    Don't try to get boyfriend to open up to you about these things. Make sure to not mother him. He needs to talk like an adult to professionals and face his own fears & troubles or he will be of no use to you as a boyfriend/mate. Probably the kindest thing you could do for him is tell him if he refuses to get appropriate counseling and work on his problems that you don't want to be with him.

    That is a message of hope to him, because it shows you want him to be his best for you. If he does what he needs to do, you matter to him. If he doesn't, he just isn't there for you. You can be matter of fact about it. He may even get mad at you or blame you. That's OK if he does that. He has to get tired of his own predicament and face it before he will change it.

    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 06-13-2018 at 07:34 AM.

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    Old 06-17-2018, 03:26 PM   #3
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    Re: My boyfriend is depressed

    Thank you so much for your reply, it really help me out.

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