Husband has depression for years

yayagirl

Dear Lady,

Oh for sure, do not try to take over anything except your own health. First of all unless our spouse has been legally ruled incompetent that is not our place.

My own experience is 38 years married to the same person, and of course, we are different people, and it is not always easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. From my vast experience, you might benefit from getting some counseling for your own anger and frustration. Whatever we do we need to own our own emotions. No one 'makes' us feel what we feel. It is not our place to rule someone else as incompetent or to try to interfere with the doctor relationship because he doesn't act like what we want or do what we think will help.

We can only change our own selves. We can only get help for our own selves.

When you communicate with hubbie, stick with I statements, describing your own emotions. I think it wise to get counseling to help us learn to take responsibility for our own emotions and to learn how to talk that way rather than to make 'you' statements. All you statements do is create defensiveness. Rightly so; we don't want to hear others say 'you' need to do this, or 'you' have a problem, either. Really, it is insulting to speak to others as if they have a problem and we don't.

If we don't like who we are with, it's we that need to deal with our own attitude. None of this is to say it's easy to live with someone that is depressed. Or angry, etc. Sometimes it can be hard to live with someone that is happy, you know? The point is that we need to deal with our own issues and let other adults deal with theirs. or else if we really just cannot tolerate who they are, maybe we need to just move on. That is always something to consider.

That said, in my personal opinion drugs only drug us. They don't solve our emotions or any other problem. Likely we need to change what we eat, when we eat, how much we exercise, what we dwell on, who we are around, what kind of work that we do...mostly we need to change our own selves and just let others be who they are.

From my many years of life on this earth, I believe mostly relationship problems come from not taking responsibility for our own emotions and not using I statements

If you cannot handle how you feel about your husband, hon, that IS your own issue to take care of. Perhaps he is completely unreasonable, I don't know and I don't presume to know. But I do know that we can only fix our own selves. It's not our place to fix other adults, or even our children!

We can only take care of our own needs. That is what you need to do. Get some counseling for your self. You will feel better and then you can meet hubbie as two adults, not one spouse parenting the other.

__________________
~ YaYa ~

Lady221

Thank you, your words help. I do have to take care of me. I just had a double mastectomy, both parents died too. But he is so unstable yet goes to the Dr and says everything is just great. Can Dr's tell if they are lying? The Doc keeps on prescribing the medication so I guess they see it. It's just so frustrating to be the "cause" of anything that he feels is wrong in his life. He actually has a very good life. Just want to help him.

yayagirl

Dear Lady221,

I am so sorry you have such hard things to deal with! You are not the cause of his unhappiness. We can only change our own perspective. Not anyone else's.

Your own mental stability is paramount. This means regardless whether hubby blames you, it's up to you to know the truth and the truth is that you are only responsible for your own attitude and happiness. When you involve yourself in his medical care you do make it look like you are responsible for his happiness. That is not our place, hon. That you don't like how he acts with you does not mean he needs a drug change or any drug for that matter. The problems between you may be relationship problems, not depression problems.

Really it is very common for partners to get enmeshed and to blame each other for their emotions. After all, what our partners choose does affect us. I, too, had to learn the lesson that adults are responsible for what we tell our own selves, regardless what other adults do or think.

There are loads of books written about mental and emotional health and relationship issues. Some books are more helpful than others, of course. For awhile I attended some abuse support groups as an observer, at the recommendation of a counselor. I did this so I could observe outside relationships and I began to see how people blame others for their own emotions and refuse to take responsibility for their own choices. Both the abused and the abusers do this very unhealthy and unpleasant dance. We learn it early on with parents that try to manipulate us into behaving. None of that works BTW.

What does work is the dignity of taking responsibility for our own selves, whether the other person sees they are also responsible for their own selves or not. Eventually they will get it, or we can also move on and leave. That is the choice we make.

The choice we never have is to change the other person. That is not our place. It is not our responsibility. And, trying only breeds contempt.

__________________
~ YaYa ~

Lady221

Thank you. This truly helps.