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here4support 12-06-2004 09:39 AM

Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent!
[COLOR=Magenta]Hi everyone! :wave: I'm new to this site. I've been doing a lot of research on Narcissistic Personality Disorders because I feel that my father is a Narcissist.

Through out my entire life he was very mentally and verbally abusive and treated all of my brothers and sisters this way, and my mom too. :( I guess besides being here looking for support I'm wondering if anyone else deals with this type of parent in their lives. It is very hard to be around him for long periods of time due to the amount of negativity he projects on to anyone near him. He is famous for putting my mom down in front of people, he is a bully, and he had no problem telling us we were stupid when growing up!

Aside from this, I'm also researching Personality Disorders because I believe I have a sister in law that has one. She has caused so much grief and turmoil in my life (my husband's brother is married to this witch!) :eek:

Anyway if anyone has some comments and or information for me I'd greatly appreciate it![/COLOR]

Vintage Wine 01-05-2005 11:05 AM

Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent!
Hi Here4support:

I have a father who sounds exactly like yours! :rolleyes: It's impossible to deal with this type, as nothing is every right or pleasing to them. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

The first thing you can do, besides educating yourself on this disorder, is to learn how to set those boundaries and literally tune the abusers' bullying attacks out. I can't tell you how to do that - it's very difficult doing so and trying to maintain your sense of self-worth, too. You didn't mention your age so if you are living in the same house with one of these types, it's even more nightmarish.

Also, it is very important for you to maintain close, honest friends and others in your life who believe in you, build you up, encourage you, etc. This is what saved me. A good support network.

Also, limit your time around the abusers. Now, as usual, he may try to guilt you into being around him more. Abusers do this - try to isolate and demean so they can have total control over you. It's as if they don't want us to have any outside life or friends because we may actually see the truth about how he (the abuser) really is!

I had a major confrontation with my abusive father about a week ago and though his accusations and attacks still hurt, they do NOT destroy me because I refuse to [U]receive[/U] it. However, I am in a position to hang up the phone, walk away, etc., as I am an adult with my own house. I don't know what your living situation is. Nevertheless, you still have a right to set boundaries and that is the only way to "handle" the narcissitic/abusive/borderline personality disorder types. You cannot reason with them, argue with them, prove anything to them, etc. It's not worth your energy and you are beating a dead horse.

And always remember: you do NOT need their approval...I don't care who they are.

Best wishes to you. My prayers are with you.

Scared Wife 01-22-2005 08:56 PM

Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent!
Vintage Wine,

It sounds like you're very experienced with this type of problem. My husband has been showing signs of the narcissitic/abusive/borderline personality disorder. Our psychologist who we were seeing for marriage counseling leaned towards the bpd, but was unable to diagnose with 100% certainty because my husband abruptly quit going (he labeled the dr. a fraud). Sad as this may sound, the psychologist has suggested that I see an attorney for a divorce. I'm told this is a rare thing for someone to advise their patient. He has warned me that bpd tends to worsen with age and that if I think things are bad now, imagine the future. My husband seems to think the world and I "owe" him, he pushes me away then lures me back, is mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive towards me 'for my own good', blames me for everything going wrong in his life and lies like a rug - and seems to actually believe them. If you have any experience with this disorder, I would like to know your thoughts on the 'worsening with age' warning from the dr. My husband is convinced that he is normal and that I am the one with the mental/psychological disorder. Thanks for any input you can provide.

Scared Wife

Musical_Muse 01-23-2005 02:54 PM

Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent!
I have been visiting this board for a while, as I suspect my sister-in-law may have a personality disorder of some kind. From the reading that I have done, as well as the things that I have read on this board, I'm beginning to think that she might have Borderline Personality tendencies.

Before I write the rest of my post, I want to let you know that I really don't intend to hijack this thread. My post may be kind of lengthy, but just know that I'm simply sharing my own experiences with this, in the hopes that someone might know what we, collectively, can do about the issue of difficult relatives :angel: .

Scared Wife,
One of your comments about your husband's behavior nearly exactly matches my sis-in-law's behavior towards my mother and in some rare cases, though I don't put up with it very much at all, towards me. Here's the comment:

[QUOTE]My husband seems to think the world and I "owe" him, he pushes me away then lures me back, is mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive towards me 'for my own good', blames me for everything going wrong in his life and lies like a rug - and seems to actually believe them.[/QUOTE]

This is how my sis-in-law has behaved towards my mother...and, in some cases, towards my brother. My brother and his wife (and three children) are living at my mom's house at the moment, as they aren't financially equipped to buy a house right now. While living at my mom's house, my ever-so-wonderful sis-in-law has yelled at my mom for the most bizarre reasons that she can dream up; she has blamed my mom for their financial situation (she even went so far as to say that my mom has millions of dollars hidden away somewhere, and won't help them out--in reality, my mom has spent some of her savings to get them out here to California, and is trying to put back what she spent); she's even said that my mother needs therapy, and that I'm immature--very obviously a case of the pot calling the kettle black...); and, to top it all off, she refuses to get a regular job (she's actually been let go from a few jobs, as she can't get along with her coworkers). My brother is the sole supporter of his family, it seems, and my sis-in-law doesn't seem to care that my brother is dying on the inside a lot (I know this because I know my brother, and I really care about him, and my niece and nephews--who are also being hurt by her)--and I [B][U]can't stand [/U][/B] watching it, or listening to the latest "news" about what she has done now. She seems to revel in spending my brother's money--on herself...the most recent thing she bought is an Espresso machine--apparently for her birthday which is on Monday).

My mom is hurting and angry, though, with my help, she has become much stronger and more assertive with the *&*^%. She feels like her brand new house has been destroyed (which hurts me more than she'll ever know), and she just can't stand this woman at all. I have told her that she needs to talk with my brother (as my sis-in-law can't be reasoned with at all--she will just start yelling and throwing a hissy fit) about the situation, as he is [U]much[/U] more level-headed and loving, to see what can be done. He knows that my mom doesn't want my sis-in-law in the house which is why he is killing himself to make money that can be used to pay off all the debt that they have accumulated, and finally get their own place.

Sufficed to say, I know what some of you are going through. It's horrible (!!)...which is why I'm glad that I no longer live there :eek: . I have my own place that I adore, and I plan to stay out on my own for the rest of my life.

[COLOR=Red] What can be done to remedy a situation like this, or anyone else's? Does anyone have any advice/suggestions?? [/COLOR]

[I]I [B]really[/B] like Vintage Wine's suggestions. She has some very good points...ones that I have been putting into practice, myself. [/I]


Vintage Wine 01-31-2005 08:54 AM

Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Parent!
[QUOTE=Scared Wife]

my husband abruptly quit going (he labeled the dr. a fraud).
Scared Wife[/QUOTE]

Of course!!! Why am I not surprised? To the typical narcissist/BPD person, all "psychologists/psychiatrists are quacks or don't know what they are talking about".....

The narcissist is such a [U]fool[/U].

I'm with your counselor. Divorce the guy. I saw what my mother went through for years with the turmoil, anguish, drama.....

Sheesh!! :o

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