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    Old 01-01-2005, 01:58 PM   #1
    cujo25
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    Girlfriend has bi-polar, DONE

    Hello,

    I will try to keep this as short as possible. My gf and i have been together for about 6 months. Overall it has been great, especially the first two months it was like i met my soulmate, almost moved in together etc... but decided to hold off on that as she is 19 and im 25 and dont want to rush things.

    She has bi-polar and was on paxil and zyprexa (sp?). Recently she stopped taking both drugs on her own, first the paxil a while ago, then recently she stopped the zyprexa cold turkey. I can say that for the past month things have been weird, she wants to play it like everything is fine but it feels to me like we are just hanging out with each other and i can tell she is being different. If i ever want to have a serious discusssion especially about our relationship she can only go for a few minutes before she starts to get extremely frustrated and angry towards me even if i am right, says im being rediculous etc... and wants to avoid the whole thing altogether.

    We have only argued a few times and always about the same topic. First time was Nov. 17th, she brought up being depressed and that she needed space to see her friends which i said thats totally cool and didnt understand why she didnt see them as she normally would anyway?. But she continued on like i was freaking out if she tried to see them and thats why she would hang out with me everyday, afraid i would leave her or something if she did. That whole thing ended with her very frustrated and angry towards me. It turns out the rest of that night and all of the next day into late the following day she pretty much slept and said she was unusually tired, I saw this as a sign of her going through a bout?. Fast forward to dec. 17th she was hanging out with her friends that night but called me first just to say hi, everything was cool and i made it clear that it didnt bother me at all, she went out, came home that night, called me all super happy and everything was great and she couldnt wait to see me the next day. Fast forward to Christmas, we had plans, turned out her mom wanted to see her at the last second which i understood as she doesnt have good family life so a chance like is good for her, however i was still upset that i possibly wasnt going to see her and again we sort of got into the same argument dealing with not seeing her, it ended with her extremely frustrated at me. It was basically more of the same that whenever I bring our relationship and seeing each other she totally loses it and can barely handle it. Fast forward to this past thursday night, called me everything was great, then a few mins into the conversation i find out she is going out with friends and i was under the impression we had plans from speaking much earlier in the day (it was 1am at this point) and i hadnt seen her in 4 days, this sparked that exact same argument again, and new years got brought into it as well as she just really wanted to see her friends since she rarely sees them, but i overreacted and didnt let it go. SO in the end she got VERY frustrated with me, extrememly bitter and maybe hateful towards me, however still saying she didnt want to break up, was still going to talk to me and see me etc... Well that night and all of yesterday she hasnt answered any of my calls or text messages, something she has never done before. I finally got through on a pay phone and she was clearly upset and crying and i said whats wrong and she said "everything, i have to go" and hung up.

    I am afraid that she is going through a serious bout of some sort mixed with whats going on with her and I, shes not on her meds, and she totally goes crazy when i try to have a serious conversation. I will giver her credit, she seems to try and stay on the phone during these things for my sake but gets to the point where she cant handle it and it turns to anger. I am afraid she will never talk to me again, and that she is stuck in this bout and she not taking her meds. I dont know what to do, we have been through ALOT and i have been there for her ALOT, that argument was definitely not something to get this worked up about and to never speak to me about again. But im afraid, and i know i shouldnt try to call her and wait for her but what do i do? what goes on during a bout like this? I know she cares about me alot, she kept telling me during that last argument, almost like she cant control wahts going on right now. I figured if she didnt want anything to do with me or wanted to break up she would have during that convo when she had the chance but she didnt want to. However i didnt expect her to be a mess the next day at all.

    ** Also not that sex is that important to me but it certainly has to do with intimacy in a relationship. We had sex after that first argument where i thought maybe it was over back in November. After that there was no sex til After that argument the night after christmas, is this a pattern, maybe she is going through a time of not feeling intimate but has sex with me at vital times to ensure i dont leave her?

    Sorry this is so relationship oriented but its a start and there is more to it, i am really worried about her, and im very afraid if she will talk to me again.

    Thanks for your time.

    Last edited by cujo25; 02-01-2005 at 08:23 AM. Reason: updte

     
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    Old 01-01-2005, 04:14 PM   #2
    mudhound
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Welcome to this board.
    Sure it's relational. I have been married to my wife (PB) for 20+ years. You have to develop thick skin. are you up to it? If you are, try finding everything you can about this illness. Read, listen, attend (support groups), and any other items you can think of.
    __________________
    God Bless

    Mudhound

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 04:41 PM   #3
    cujo25
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Thanks for the quick and helpful replies both of you. I have been reading about bi-polar and bi-polar and dating and it certainly helps. I can tell she definitely cares alot about me and means well but sometimes she cant help being irritable, especially off her meds. She just called me a little bit ago suprisingly. She is still a bit upset about not seeing her friends but says there is nothing to worry about, and she has been sick with 102 temp and food poisioning past two days. Its sucks that i want to say "well couldnt you just call me quick and let me know whats up?" but thats how she is and if i said that in her current mood she would have freaked again. So yea, its definitely about developing thick skin which i have been actually, and been good about it, just recently it got a bit rough.

    Thanks again!

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 10:57 AM   #4
    Munozchick
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Hey hon...what you have described sounds like some of the same things I have been through, before being diagnosed and then later in quitting meds. She does need to be on her meds, its really dangerous. I recently moved to the Middle East and I am having problems with my visa. Without my visa, I cant get medical care. Take it from me...when you're not on those meds, you're TOTALLY unpredictable! As a result, I have been self medicating(the pharmacies carry similar meds to mine). I can't decide which is worse, not taking meds or self medicating. This has caused alot of problems with my husband and I. If he wasn't so pretty, I would've beat him by now No, just kidding. He's been so supportive. And, thats really all you can do. Obviously you love her so just be there for her. You said that you guys sort of moved fast into the relationship(almost moving in, etc). For me, this was a common sign of my Manic phase. So, I would have this whirl wind romance with someone and on one occasion, move in with. I actually moved to Florida from Mississippi with him after only knowing him for 2 months. Then...about 2months down the line, I reached my depressive phase and it all went to hell. As a result, we fought all the time. I used the fighting part as my exscuse to get out of the relationship. Anyway, I'm sorry I told you so much about me but it's the only way I knew how to give you a little advice. Good luck with this!! Keep posting.

    Love,

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 11:00 AM   #5
    Munozchick
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Ok...forgot one thing. The friend thing. When I would get into these relationships, I would totally cut off my friends. I thought that he was the only person in the world. Then, at the end, I blamed it on him that I stopped hanging out with them because of him. Which was cruel, to all parties involved. Ok...good luck again.

     
    Old 01-02-2005, 06:22 PM   #6
    cujo25
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Thanks for the info Munozchick. It was about two months into it for us as well that she wanted to live together, I had my doubts though right away knowing it was too fast and it could ruin things. However by the time i decided to give it a shot she decided it probably wouldnt be a good idea because how else would she get her space? So in that scenario im glad it didnt happen or more then likely it could have ended. Reading your story about whirl wind romance though scared me a bit, at this point though I would think its more then that considering this started back in July and its now January. We have been through ALOT together and I have been there for her alot so I feel pretty confident. I just hope she doesnt get in a phase that would cause her to completely flip on me and want nothing to do with me, I would find that hard to imagine as I have witnessed her moods and we stick through it and she doesnt seem to want to give up. I know I certainly dont want to give up on her and will always be there for her.

     
    Old 01-03-2005, 11:35 AM   #7
    Munozchick
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    I didn't mean to scare you. It seems like you love her very much. So, just support her, be there for her and try to learn as much as you can about this illness. I love my husband to death but God knows he hasn't learned as much as he should.

    Love,

     
    Old 01-03-2005, 01:53 PM   #8
    cujo25
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    No harm done

    I have to also make sure I dont get my insecurities mixed up with whats going on with her as well, and to some point its just me worrying about keeping this relationship going but also seeing the signs at the sametime. So basically in this situation I guess I just have to work harder then I would in a relationship that was lacking a bi-polar partner, which I have been working very hard and it doesnt bother me at all. If anything when someone says to me "why do you want to put up with that? arent you worried about would could happen?" etc... it bothers me because real love and caring means your there for someone no matter what, not "oh this one is broken" and throw it back to the pile and move one, thats cruel.

     
    Old 01-03-2005, 05:57 PM   #9
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    cujo, I understand that you love her.
    But a lifetime of purposely unmedicated Bipolar Disorder? REAL love on HER part means realizing that SHE must do HER part by taking her medication.
    Otherwise you are enabling her just as if you were putting up with a drug addict (we Bipolars manufacture our own drug/chemicals) or an alcoholic who will not help themselves.
    Wait until she is somewhere inbetween depressed or manic... then tell her that her taking medication is as much a part of any vows as being faithful or richer or poorer, etc.
    There are people like mudhound who have lived with a wife with bipolar disorder - he is bound by his marriage vows. And her meds do not always work the greatest - it has caused much stress.
    But to PURPOSELY be involved with someone who would expose you to endless cycles of irritation, anger, psychosis, debilitating depression - without at least taking their meds???
    Please re-think what real love in a tough case like this may be!
    (You've heard it said that God helps those who help themselves?)

    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 01-03-2005 at 06:00 PM.

     
    Old 01-03-2005, 07:37 PM   #10
    cujo25
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Ruth,

    I appreciate the info and concern. Thing is I just found out from her about a week or so ago that she had stopped taking it. Since then I tried not to think about it too much but lately seeing how things are just different it started to alert me, that and the fact that I didnt like the sound of her not taking it to begin with. A main problem I am dealing with right now is how to approach her about taking it, we just got over an argument recently and im afraid to upset her again. I really dont know what to do, I DEFINITELY want her to get back on them especially if they help her, for the most part since I have known her, I have witnessed periods when she wasnt on her medication whether it be because she had been forgetting it or was out for a while. For the most part during those times she handled it pretty well but I would see how she would get frustrated rather easily, also she was very good about letting me know that she was in a touchy mood due to lack of medication which was good communication for us and I could see how she worked to keep things good between us even though she was having a hard time.

    So thats where im at right now, I want to say something to her, even as early as the next time I talk to her possibly tonight. Thing is that argument was a few days ago and now the past few days everything is finally seeming back to normal when I talk to her so its hard to jeopardize that again.

     
    Old 01-03-2005, 10:20 PM   #11
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Cujo, your situation sounds so much like mine it is not even funny. I had some posts last week. "girlfriend not taking meds". Mine started back on her meds a few days ago. Of course she did not tell me. I saw her taking them and asked when did you start again. Anyway, I feel your pain brother.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 03:41 PM   #12
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Cujo, you really need to wait out the moodswing until she is more "in the middle" before talking to her. It could be days, weeks or even months.
    There's nothing that sets us off quicker when we are too high or too low than someone confronting (seems like confronting to us, not talking) us about meds that WE feel much better without.
    If she is refusing meds even then, I have to tell you (even tho I am Bipolar) that you would be better off to walk away and explain that you can't be with her unless she is doing all she can to help herself.

    But - honest - don't do this while she is manic or depressed or hypercritical...
    Wait for a better time.
    (and good luck - I admire your tenacity but fear blind loyalty!)

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 11:00 AM   #13
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Hi CUJO I read your post and it sounds just like my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months as well. I am 31 and he is 23. And it is like riding an emotional roller coaster . It is draining on me as well. But I stick by him. The only differance is he has never been on any medication as he will see no one. But his emotions are all over the place. The whole I need my space to be with my friends, I did the same as you let him have it. He escapes by drinking though. He was just at a friends last night as a matter of fact and he called me later saying" why did you not call me"? I said you never asked and I figured you needed your time. So I know what you mean totally. You sound just like me. The whole not mixing your insecurities in with things... yep me to. It was like reading my own post when I read yours. He gets anxiety attacks gets very defensive. And I to have had the same people saying" why don't you just dump him, it is a waste of time" And yet I don't. I know many others have, and I don't want to be like everyone else. I love him and I won't just give up either.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 03:09 PM   #14
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Please don't misunderstand me! I'm NOT saying for anyone to just dump someone with Bipolar Disorder!!
    My husband hasn't dumped me either (for which I am grateful) BUT I take my medication.
    Living with an untreated Bipolar Type I or II is like standing in a room full of dynamite and they're holding a lit match.

    I don't just take Lithium for me - although I prefer the way I am rather than catatonic or bouncing off the walls...
    I take it for everyone in my life that I care about.
    I am hoping that both D1973 & cujo will consider that true love doesn't mean that you put up with anything & everything no matter what.. (ok, in my 20's I was guilty of that too!)

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 07:06 AM   #15
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    Re: Girlfriend has bi-polar, help

    Ruth, I know what you are saying. For myself I feel that I deal with allot of things that most people would say forget this. It has crossed my mind several times. But I am one of those who thinks how would I feel if it were me? I would not want people to just throw there hands up . Also most people in my boyfriends life have done that . But you are right it does not mean he should treat people anyway he pleases. I do wish he would see someone, but he is in denial and says he does not want to talk about it. I can't make him go. But I do wish he would. He would not have any anxiety attacks and be able to deal with everyday life better. I just let him know I am there for him.

     
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