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  • Dealing with a friend who has BPD.

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    Old 01-14-2005, 03:28 PM   #1
    Ederratic
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    Dealing with a friend who has BPD.

    Borderline Personality Disorder

    I've only known this girl for 6 months but during that time we became good friends and a mutual attraction developed. Unfortunately for me she was in an "On again off again" relationship and I wasn't about to step in and play hero yet we remained friends. I learned alot about her through information she freely volunteered whenever we hung out, bad things that happened to her during her childhood, and the diagnosis of BPD. It's a pretty big deal for somebody to admit some of the things she did so I thought we were cool with each other.

    Fast forward to Christmas. She and her boyfriend are still on the rocks(typical abusive a-hole type) but trying to reconcile. She comes back from a two week vacation to see her family and on day 1 she is very happy to see me. As each day goes on she is talking more to her boyfriend and grows more distant. She starts to cancel plans with me, which is fine I can deal with that now that she's back with her ex, but turns ice cold. She stopped talking to one friend completely, a person she's known for many years, without any provocation. And now she's done the same to me. She wouldn't even look at me, respond when I say hello, or otherwise acknowledge my existance for a few days.

    Here is where it gets messed up. I work at a coffee shop and she comes in as often as I do. 4 days ago I walk in and she's there but I ignore her because I assume she'll do the same to me. Instead she bounces up to me with a big smile to tell me how her first day at her new job was. Before I get 5 words out of my mouth she takes off.

    The next day I'm sharing a table with a friend and were reading books, she comes up to my friend and asks to join us and he says its ok, she didn't even look at me. For the next hour I am reading and minding my own biz, in complete silence, until it comes time to get to class. I get up to leave and before I can step away she looks at me with a big smile and tells me how she posted a picture of us(me and her hugging no less) on her personal website. I say cool I'll check it out and she shuts down again. Sure enough, the picture is on the main page. I've also caught her staring at me from across the room several times but always turns away when I catch her.

    At this point "I" am making plans to see a counselor because this hot/cold behavior is tearing me up. I know its not her fault so I refuse to call her out on it. In fact I have a feeling her manipulative boyfriend has a lot to do with it but I'm pretty much helpless in that regard. So far I've been able to wear a face of indifference around her but getting to the point where I will soon crack because in my given situation it is nearly impossible for me to not see her regularly. I need the job at the coffee shop to help me through college.

    I dunno what I'm asking here except for a general plea for help. I can't just stop caring about somebody immediately especially if our lives are still somewhat mixed up for awhile. Is there anything I can do or say to her to get this crap to stop?

    Apologies for the length.

     
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    Old 01-31-2005, 02:51 PM   #2
    Time2Heal
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    Re: Dealing with a friend who has BPD.

    Hi- It sounds to me like you are a wonderful person, already caring about her and trying to hang on to her as a friend.

    I have BPD and I have 0 friends. I have people I meet, become friends and then unintentially push them away when I feel like our friendship is getting to close/bonded. I hate myself for this, but it is a continuos cycle for me. I am 32- last year, ran into a friend from when I was 19. It was awesome-I was so happy.......but, I pushed her away within about 6 months. Never in a mean way do I do this, but I will stop calling and make myself "unavailable to be reached" well, they finally all give up, understandably. But, I never have told any of them that I have BPD ? I don't know why.

    I also, like your friend had a HORRIBLE childhood/early teen years. I think from what my drs have told me and much research on the web that deep inside (maybe not too deep) but I have a trust fear and when I feel I am getting to close, I have an automatic trigger go off to back away because they may hurt me, use me or whatever.

    I also have a cycle of bad relationships, I pick the ones that are crap I guess because I feel that is what I deserve. But, I am working on trying to STOP that cycle, I have been totally single for 1 year and will be until I feel confident enough that I deserve someone that can give what I can. And at the same time, I am working on my "keeping friends". It is scary, this life.

    I have no advice, but your friend and I sound alot alike, so maybe you can see that she is not the only one like this and it has nothing to do with you. I hope you have the strength to be there on and off and maybe one day she will be looking to change and get the help she needs. You have the heart, but I know it takes more strength than anything.
    You are a good person-
    Caytie

     
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