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    Old 05-12-2005, 10:08 PM   #1
    angelblue65
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    Unhappy At Wits End (Long)

    Hello All,
    I don't even know what to expect from this thread but I need to write. After two weeks of thinking the verbal abuse was behind us (maybe that was my fantasy world I was living in) tonight was full force. He seemed to be in a good mood tonight when I got home from work so I took the opportunity to talk to him about how he needs to start doing things for himself, how that I haven't been helping him by doing his to-do list (making phone calls and paperwork stuff), doing the laundry, etc.. I knew as soon as he sarcastically said "anything else" that the conversation was doomed. I told him I didn't want to argue and to please not do this - I was ready to walk away. When all of a sudden he went into a barrage about all the things he finds dispicable about me (at least in this mood) and I felt all these months all come rushing back. Everything I used to feel so confident about before in this relationship, he has undermined it all. Yes, I know - teflon skin - can I do it? Because the things he says keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. Stupidly - and yes, I take full blame for this one for bad timing - I told him that he does not deserve to feel this badly and that it's possible the meds he's been on is just not working. He took it as a personal attack and from there it just got worse. He finally told me that this is how he is (the sarcastic, uncaring person) and take it or leave it but that's how it is and if I don't like it then maybe I should do something about it. With that he left and came back 3 hours later. I didn't hear him come in so I went out to the living room to make sure he was ok and he admitted that he had been drinking (he's always been ok socially but this is not a good sign since he was an abuser before). And then I smelled cigarette smoke. Now I know that might not seem like a big deal to anyone else but with my urging, I got him to quit back in October and commend him all the time for quitting. It's a big issue for me because cigarettes killed both my parents within 4 months apart and my mother died painfully. It was horrible.

    I called his Mom because I wasn't sure if I should call the hospital or not and figured since she'd been throught this before with him, she'd better be able to tell by talking to him. Before handing the phone over to him, she told me that he has been smoking. Again, I know not such a big deal in the scheme of things, but it is for me, especially since he was doing it behind my back. You see, I swore I would never date a smoker and he wasn't smoking when we met. But slowly, because of a friend he was hanging around with, he started back up with was a big sore spot in our relationship back then.

    Anyways, his Mom is coming to visit on Saturday (she lives out of state) thankfully. But right now, he's despondent. He's detached AND full of sarcasm. I got so upset because I just don't know how to handle this any more that I started shaking uncontrollably (anxiety?). He got mad and told me to go to bed. When I got up, my legs gave way and I fell and hit my head on the coffee table. He just sat there and didn't move or ask if I was ok. I don't care how ****** off I could be at him, if I saw him hurt, all the other stuff would become secondary. I am hurting more than I ever thought I could and I just don't know how to get through this any more.

    I know the whole you-have-to-take-care-of-yourself deal but even with that knowledge, I just don't have the energy or desire to pick myself up. Out of respect for my BF, only a handful of people know something's going on and only one knows everything. My friend who knows everything, the one whose house I went to two weekends ago, she and her husband are moving to Florida on the 21st so I feel like I have no where to go. I know my previous posts, everything seems to blow over in a few days and I'm back on here giving other people advice. But this time, I don't know. He needs help but he's denying there's any problem. As I've said before, he's been out of work for 15 months because of his auto accident and his knee has not gotten better after 2 surgeries. I know from watching my father retire early from a stroke that a man's pride is in how he provides for his family. My BF has told me on more than one occasion how it's killing him that he cannot work. I know he has too much time on his hands sitting home thinking about everything. It's killing me watching him sink deeper and deeper.

    Can I be honest? I am one of the most unselfish people you'll ever meet but I'm feeling selfish right now. I'm resenting the fact that his ex-wife had the best of him - when he was happy working, no injury, etc. and she didn't know a good thing when she had it. She never took the time to learn about this illness and they ended up parting badly. Here I am, doing everything in my power and I feel like our relationship never had a chance. His accident happened one month before we met and he's been slowly sinking since. I could care less about money and who's making what but I do get the whole pressure on the guy thing (it's unfair and I feel bad for all you men that have this pressure).

    God I love this man so much and I do not want to give up, especially now. I can't even think straight right now but I've read several postings today one from Ruth maybe and from someone else about how we (the partners) are the strength for those with this illness and that inside you're screaming you want us around and need us but on the outside all you can say is get the f away (which he's actually said). I know I'm being self indulgent here right now but I just want to actually HEAR him say, just once, that he needs me and that he's never meant any of the mean things he's said to me. I want to know that I haven't wasted my time investing in this relationship. I know no relationship is a guarantee and that everything is a gamble. But why does he continually push me away and sabotage the one thing he's said he's waited all of his life for? I was on the PTSD thing about a week or two ago and I still believe he has that but at this point, I don't care what it is, I just want it to stop. I want him well again and I don't know what to do. I hope I did the right thing by calling his mother because anything I say to him just angers him.

    I can't even remember what I've written but I better stop now before I write an entire book. If anyone got this far, bless you. And thanks for allowing me to vent.

    P.S. I posted earlier today about not believing in God in the conventional sense but I feel like I need to pray now as this is out of my hands - except I don't know how. I want to pray for my BF to find it in him somehow to get better and I want him to know how much I love him (he does but he doesn't seem to in this state). Unconditional love just doesnt' seem to be cutting it any more.

    Last edited by angelblue65; 05-12-2005 at 10:33 PM. Reason: I know my reason for writing this

     
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    Old 05-13-2005, 11:43 AM   #2
    polarized13
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hi Angel,

    I read your entire post, and I want to be here for you to listen and help you figure all of this out. I get the feeling though, that you are really just venting more than anything, because we both know there is no real answer to soving your problems short of leaving the relationship, and deciding that it's just too much for you to continue in a relationship where you will always give more than you receive, and you have to deal with so much baggage.

    I hate to sound negative, really, because I've always thought you had a good chance of making it through all of your issues with him. I find myself more and more when I read your posts thinking that you deserve so much better. The situation almost makes me think you're still being co-dependent, and hurting yourself by continuing on this path of misery and dissappointment. I have heard a few things about your bf being nice to you, and appreciating you, and treating you with the respect that you deserve. But I have heard far more about how terrible his behavior is, and how things are difficult for you.

    You have to weigh it out, and decide if it's really worth it to continue on this path. I have been through a lot in my marriage as you know, but we didn't get this far by staying in one place, and not moving forward, and letting our relationship desinigrate while we were fighting, and hurting each other. We have separated several times in the ten years we've been together. I believe it was these separations that acutally saved our relationship, and kept us from doing irrevokable damage.

    I'm not saying you should separate, but I think sometimes, when you can step back, and look at things, and really evaluate your feelings, that it can help immensely. It also gives you a chance to start over, and break some bad habits that may have been formed in the relationship.

    I also do not belive in God in the conventional sense. Actually I belive it's possible there is a God, certainly with the miracles I have witnessed in my own life. But, I really just don't know. I have found so much hipocrasy in the people that I have known to be Christians that it has somewhat turned me off. I was married in a church by a pastor, and felt that it was much more of a bonding experience than my first marriage by a lake performed by a Judge. I feel that the real difference was the love my husband has for me is much deeper than the feelings my first husband had. I know there are kids involved in your situation, and that makes it a lot more complicated. Not to mention financial considerations. What about couples counseling?

    I know he's going through diffucult stuff, but maybe he isn't ready to be druging up all this stuff from his past. It is only an opinion that it can help with PTSD, it isn't really known for sure to even help. I know I would fall apart if I tried to do it, and my family needs me, so I choose to leave the past in the past and look forward instead. Of course I have my issues, but I don't drag my family down with them.

    You have given so much to your boyfreind, and what are you really getting in return? I personally would make some drastic changes if I were you. Only you can decide what's the right choice for you.

    I really came here today to tell everyone that I'm so incredibly busy right now, that I won't be on here very much for the next few days or so, I have company coming, and the remodel going on, my daughter's last week of school, in addition to doctor appointments nearly constantly.

    I hope you are able to sort all of this out and find some peace. I know how gut-wrenching and stressfull it is what you're going through. I will try and find some time to check back in tomorrow to see how you are. Please take care....

    gotta go,

    ~~heather~~

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 08:17 AM   #3
    angelblue65
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    To Heather - Thank you for all the time and energy you have put to following the path my BF and I have been on. I didn't even feel like writing right now because I am so emotionally drained but I thought maybe I'll feel a bit better if I do and the fact that you took the time to respond this weekend, I wanted to at least check in. And to anyone else to has cared enough to follow this silently - thank you.

    This weekend was a time where I guess we both hit bottom and our relationship could have gone either way........I guess it still could at this point. I suppose this could be moved to the relationship portion of this website but I just don't have the energy to start any new threads.

    Anyways, let's see if I can sum this up. I had some long conversations with my BF's Mom who never believed her son had BP. The more I read about PTSD, the more I quesitoned it myself. But then reading all that I read here, it seems like he does. THEN, the more I dig, I find that Borderline Personality Disorder also shares similar behaviors. So at this point, what does it matter (I don't mean that it doesn't matter for my BF - of course it does). What I mean is - the most important thing for me and for him is to deal with what we can. Heather, you are right in that there is/was still some co-dependency going on. When my BF had his second knee surgery, he developed complications and was right back in the hospital with chemical pneumonia - it was pretty scary. At that time, he was quitting smoking and establishing going back on his meds and I had moved in about a month before. Not even a week later, he had the most violent reaction to some pain meds the surgeon gave him and he developed DT's from it (we dumped the rest down the toilet) so he was back in the hospital. During this whole time, I switched gears to "hold the fort down" and I knew how - I was an only child who was the sole caretaker to my parents who both got sick at about the same time and I did everything for them until they both passed. They were helpless until they died. My boyfriend only needed my help during that brief time. The problem was, I never stopped being the caretaker.

    This is not to make excuses for him nor is it to make them for myself. It is also not to take all the blame. It is to take responsibility for what is mine. It took both of us to bring us to where we are today. But what I realized this weekend was that I had spent all of this time blaming my BF for MY behavior. I didn't want to listen when he tried telling me I had changed as well. When he became enraged, I used that as an excuse to be verbally abusive back, justifying it because of the things he said. I am embarrassed and ashamed at my own behavior. I never gave him a break for feeling the way he has being out of work all this time and for feeling "less than" for not providing for his family. I dismissed it by saying that because I wasn't blaming him for not working, it wasn't that big of a problem. I put blinders on and didn't see just how much his not working was affecting him. It doesn't give him the excuse to be verbally abusive, but it does not give me one either.

    I never came to this board to paint a picture of a one-sided relationship. There was nothing deliberate in all of this. It took me this weekend to finally realize what I had been doing as well. I told all of this to my BF. I told him that I realized what was most important and everything else was not worth the energy spent arguing. We're taking things very slow and it's the hardest thing in the world. But it's a start. I am done being his therapist (he never asked me to be), I am going to start going out with my friends and not feeling guilty about it, and I am going to start taking a whole other approach to everything. So we shall see........

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 11:37 AM   #4
    polarized13
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hi Angel,

    I hope your situation really does improve. Habits are hard to break, though, and that means being aware constantly of your behavior, and reactions to other's behavior. You guys are dealing with some really tough issues, as if bipolar, and having kids from a previous marriage were'nt enough complications to have to cope with.

    Just remember you are can't be perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and don't be too hard on yourself. Also, the co-dependency issue is more than one-sided. He may be unknowingly pulling you into that co-dependent role, and making it hard for you to change the dynamic.

    I don't get a picture of a one-sided relationship at all. I do get a picture of a guy with a lot of issues and baggage struggling to cope and keep a relationship together with a woman who wants to help and be there for him in every way she can. I have no doubt he loves you very much. And that he gives all he is able to give while he has all of these other things going on.

    You both are products of the environments that you grew up in, and following the patterns that you learned in the past. That's what we all do. I don't belive there are really Ozzie and Harriet homes where everyone grows up perfectly, with no issues, plenty of self-esteem, encouragement, guidance, and tools to go through life problem free. It just isn't realistic. Humanity is flawed.

    Parents do the best we can to cope and to give our kids the things we never had. And this generation is probably over-compensating for the mistakes our parents and grand-parents made, and raising kids who are spoiled (mine included) and they will have completely different issues. And so it goes.

    All we can do is learn about ourselves, and make decisions based on the information we have, and the guidance given to us, and try and be good people and be happy. It isn't fair that some of us have had to cope with traumas, and mental illness, and thank goodness there are people out there willing to put up with us, and our baggage.

    Am I correct in understanding that you support your bf? If so, that is a whole other can of worms entirely. Men have egos, and it's hard for them to accept a woman supporting them, no matter what other illness, injuries, etc. may be going on.

    Good luck, Angel. I'm still not able to get on here very much lately, but I find time to check in, so let me know how you are, ok?

    ~~heather~~

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 07:49 PM   #5
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hey Angel,
    Just got done reading all the postings. Sorry I wasn't here for you earlier You know that I know what you are going through. I really wish there was a happy button on everyone, don't you? Life surely would be a dream. I really hope your boyfriend can show you that he loves you sometimes. Maybe when you're talking, that's something you can bring up. Maybe you already do. He shouldn't be so self involved that he cannot appreciate you some of the time. It is really frustrating because I can sit here all day and say what he should do and what he should feel, but I truly don't know what he is capable of right now.

    Happiness I cannot find,
    When I look into your eyes,
    I don't know what is on your mind,
    But I feel your cries,
    I want to heal you, help you,
    But you push me away,
    Love is all that I can do,
    You tell me to go, but I stay,
    When you see me, do you see,
    How deep my feelings run,
    Is it you that looks at me,
    Or is it the other one,
    Some days you don't see through me,
    And you tell me that you care,
    Somedays you just look past me,
    And say I'm never there,
    But I will be here,
    As long as I know you love me,
    And as long as I have no fear,
    Together we will be.
    Without love we have nothing,
    The poorest we will be,
    When all that is left is loathing,
    Say goodbye to me.


    Hope tomorrow is a brighter day, and that he truly loves you. You deserve it.
    Nodi

    Last edited by NodiGoiterGirl; 05-16-2005 at 07:52 PM. Reason: Because I can.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 07:53 AM   #6
    angelblue65
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Heather,
    Everything you said was so true. You have great insight into all of this - and life in general. Even with your own busy life, you have taken the time to post and be supportive and that means so much to me. And I haven't forgotten, how did your weekend of home makeovers go?

    And Nodi,
    Never apologize for being away. We all have our lives to live outside of this board. The fact that you took the time to post shows that you do care and, by the way, did you write that poem? It brought tears to my eyes. It's beautiful. Was it for your husband?

    As cliche as it may be, I believe everything happens for a reason even if you never figure out the true meaning behind something. As painful as everything is right now, I do believe this past weekend had to happen in order for us to both wake up. I have been angry and resentful for so long not understanding why my BF could never be sorry for things. It took all of this for both of us to dig down to our lowest points to see what we have done to each other and to then be sincerely sorry for it.

    Because of the fact I am not personally dealing with past trauma and the current outside stressors (the knee injury, not working, etc.), it is so much easier for me to already be in a place where I just want things back to the way they were (by that I mean the smiles, laughter, playfulness, hugging, etc.). For him, things are going very slowly and I ask before I do anything because I want to make sure the boundaries are not crossed. Each day they do get a little wider which is a good sign. The confusing part for me is I don't understand how the "shutting down" of emotions works. I've never dealt with severe trauma with the exception of losing my parents but I was already separated from my ex-husband so it wasn't like I had anyone in my life that I kept at bay. I know I shut down myself but not in the same way. Does that make sense? I wish I could understand this process better.

    Oh, and Heather - to answer your question about supporting my BF. He gets income from Worker's Comp. (half of what he's used to making) and I'm temping (which is also nearly half of what I'm used to making). I am trying desparately to get a permanent job but need to make a certain amount, you know? He has to pay Cobra for insurance (which I insisted he do) and I have minimal coverage (only $1000 for an entire year - temp companies suc&). So that is why things financially are stressful.

    There is a new procedure for torn meniscus (knee cartilage) I found on the internet that a doctor right in Boston does which sounds promising and the WC doctor he met with yesterday actually agreed and said he needs a third surgery and that he's not ready to go back to work (amazing!). So to have the support of at least one person in the "system" saying this injury is legit and really isn't healing is going to be very helpful.

    Right now, time is the only answer. And again, thank you guys for your support, friendship, and kind words. It feels so good to be able to share. I hope you know that.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 10:10 AM   #7
    NodiGoiterGirl
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Angel,
    I wrote the poem for whoever can identify with it.
    I did use some of my own experiences.
    This seems to be one of the only places where I can express my feelings lately. It feels really good.

    Take Care,
    Nodi

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 10:43 AM   #8
    polarized13
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hi Guys,

    I'm glad if I was able to help. Someone here once said that helping others is really a way to help yourself, and I think that's true. (I think Reesie said it, she's pretty smart) Anyhow, I have been helped lots of times by you guys, just listening to me when I need to vent or whatever. That's what we're all here for. Because many of the people in our lives, while well meaning, often do not have the insight and understanding to really be able to give us any advice or insight into the things that we go through in our unique situations.

    And just so you know, when my kids come and ask what I'm doing when I'm here, I say I'm talking to my friends, because that's how I think of you. Oh, this crazy 21st century, huh?

    Ok guys, gotta go back to the routine. This is the hardest, worst paying, most rewarding job I always wanted! Anyhow, it sounds like both of you are doing ok, and I hope it continues to go well for you both.

    Oh, and by the way, the interior makeover is going along well, I'm just glad I feel well enough to do all this stuff. I'm even helping with my daughter's end of the school year field trip to the Zoo on Thursday, talk about ambitous! I'm sure I will be completely exhausted by this weekend, but I figure it's all worth it. The house looks great, and my Mother in law is sweet as always. And one of my sisters-in-law sent me a Mothers Day card, it almost makes up for the fact that my other three sisters-in-law aren't speaking to me. Thanks for asking.

    Talk to you all later, take care,

    ~~heather~~

    ps. ~ Nodi, that was a beautiful poem....

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 11:01 AM   #9
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Angel, tell me again what meds he is on. And are you sure he is taking them?
    You mentioned somewhere that he had been off them for a while due to $$ - you should be aware that some meds (like Lithium) may not work as well after being discontinued and then restarted again...
    He just doesn't sound like he's on the right meds.
    Also, I'm Type I Bipolar and I have NEVER been verbally abusive.
    Is it possible that he has a secondary disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder?

    I'm not so sure that living together is the healthiest thing for you right now.. I'd say the same thing to my husband if I was mistreating him for ANY reason. Please think about creating some space until your future with him is more sure...?

    And by the way, prayer is just conversation with Someone who loves you more unconditionally than parents or boyfriends or husbands! I say little ones while I'm driving, or waiting in line, etc.
    They say that 'prayers are the musical notes of the cosmos' -

     
    Old 05-18-2005, 07:07 AM   #10
    angelblue65
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hi Ruth,

    Words of wisdom as always........

    Let's see - the meds he is on for BP are Lithium and Lexapro and yes, he is taking them (he does so in front of me for the most part). However, he is also on Topamax for severe migraines and from his "ex" therapist he is on Ambien and Klonopin for sleep. He cannot sleep for more than 3 hours or has interrupted sleep without any medication but it does appear he is too medicated. He's supposed to be making an appt. with a new med mgt./pdoc this week.

    I can only go by what he and his Mom have told me aside from what I've seen. He's told me that every other med/combo he has tried over the years has made him a zombie and I can't say that I blame him for not wanting him to go back on any of those. The Lithium and Lexapro was the best combo he has found. He was off his meds from around July 03 until Oct. 04 and, with the exception of being able to function fine without sleeping much, he did not display any manic signs, was not irritable, etc. BUT, and here's the but, I've said this before in a post - it's the "which came first the chicken or the egg" thing. Is his behavior now so erratic and in such a rage because of ALL the extraordinary outside stress (and it just keeps coming - yesterday he met with his younger son's school counselor and found some really disturbing news) whihc would make anyone even without BP depressed and angry? Or is it that his behavior is such because of the wrong meds........or both?

    And then, you brought up a good point. In the back of my mind, yes, I think he could have Borderline Personality Disorder. And I definitely think he has PTSD. But even with all these possibilities (and for my lack of knowledge of all these other speculative "dx's"), he still displayed a very level, happy state without meds.

    His new counselor is definitely making strides. And he and I are actually going in together next week to see her. We decided together that our discussion would be where our boundaries lie and what our expectations are of one another and find a common ground to work with. We both agree that we had something really good and that neither one of us wants to walk away without trying. Then we would always wonder. I can't help but think that if his car accident never happened, if we would be in this place right now. But if I dwell on it too long, I get resentful and that serves no purpose.

    Ruth, thank you for sharing on prayers. I guess then I do pray because that's what I do - I talk to "someone" asking for guidance.

    I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on the whole med situation. Thank you.

     
    Old 05-18-2005, 09:07 AM   #11
    polarized13
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Angel,

    I just read your first post again, and I agree with Ruth, that there is likely something else going on with your bf, besides just bipolar. Or his meds aren't working, or he's not taking them correctly. The first post you said that he was totally despondent. And that he told you to go to bed. First of all, if ANYONE told me to go to bed, or to do anything for that matter, I would not just go and do it because they said so. I mean if you were really freaking out, and you both needed space, then I guess that's one thing. But I wouldn't be bossed around. Give a man that kind of an inch, and they will take a mile every time, unfortunatley.

    You said that your legs just gave out from under you, and you fell and hit your head, and he didn't even offer to help you up or see if you were ok, or anything. Bipolar is one thing, but that is a whole other story to be that unconcerned for someone you love when their hurt, it goes way beyond mood swings, and poor judgement.

    And then a couple of days later, you are saying that you are going to counseling together, and everything is ok again. You have to be somewhat traumatized by this sharp swing in behavior. It isn't right, no matter what is wrong with him.

    I have brought up the abuse issue in the past, but the kind of thing you're describing is emotionally, and mentally abusive. You are going to find yourself really hurt by this whole situation if you don't make some changes, I'm afraid.

    Don't you see the pattern here? If you go back and read all of your old posts, it's really clear. I know it isn't easy to break out of that kind of pattern with someone. Millions of women all over the country are in the same place. Sometimes their significant other is mentally ill, or an alcoholic, or disabled. But the common thread is this kind of continuing behavior, that gets worse, and then better, and then worse and then better.

    If he grew up in an abusive household, then he follows that pattern without even realizing it. I know I have said these things to you before, and you have dismissed it, but please, just think about it.

    No mental condition is an excuse to mess with someone's head and emotions. And as long as you continue to make excuses for his behavior, it will continue to get worse, and you will remain unhappy. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but it had to be said. You deserve so much better than to be treated this way time and again.

    If you're going together to counseling, that's great. I would bring up the abuse issue. Don't be afraid of him being angry about it. Yes, I have been there. And it is hard to deal with, and many men will never change. But some do, only if they realize that they have to change, or lose you. As long as you continue to allow it, it will not stop, and I don't think you even understand the toll this is taking on you emotionally.

    It's time to stand up for yourself and the things that YOU need in order for YOU to be happy. The world does not revolve around him.

    I don't know if any of this is getting through to you, or if you're just thinking that I'm asking you to be selfish. It isn't being selfish, you have to put your own well-being first in a situation like this.

    Otherwise, where are you going to be in five years or ten years? Unhappy still, in the same pattern with him? Never knowing what your going to walk into when you come home to a place that's supposed to be your sanctuary from the world, and is instead your hell?

    Just think about it...

    ~~heather~~

     
    Old 05-19-2005, 07:24 AM   #12
    Nuckin Futz
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Heather,

    That was an outstanding reply to Angel. Well stated and well thought through.

    I have to defend MEN, by saying that what you described does not go just one way.

    I, myself, have been on the receiving end of those exact sorts of emotional and mental abuse on a cyclic basis. From a woman.

    She is in complete denial of such behaviors, and was raised in an environment in which her mother was abrasive and beyond. In fact, she was the most un-empathetic person I ever encountered. Pathetic. Not empathetic. Said the most twisted and hurtful things she could muster. My mind cannot even go there.

    That doesn't excuse their behavior, any more than having a diagnosis does.

    It just enlightens those on the receiving end, a bit.

    It also can show a near socio-pathic lack of compassion. My wife has decided to throw away our lives together, and family, to persue a fantasy. It's delusional thinking. But it will prevail. My friends say I should pity the poor fool she hooks up with next, if he buys her act hook line and sinker. She presents a wonderful appearance, but lacks those things which make a person pleasant, real and able to enjoy life with. That only reveals itself after she's got you committed. He will be lucky in that she can no longer bear children (so if he awakens when the ether wears off - he can escape with limited financial ruin). His emotional welfare is another story.

    It does go both ways.

    NF

    Last edited by Nuckin Futz; 05-19-2005 at 07:27 AM.

     
    Old 05-19-2005, 07:58 AM   #13
    angelblue65
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    I was just going to start a new thread (I'm afraid people here might be sick of seeing this one) with an update and a quick thought or two when I saw the last posting by Futz.

    I'm so tired..........and Heather, I hear everything you're saying. Everything needs to be addressed but I'm putting things in order as far as addressing things one thing at a time. I might not have been so elaborate in my many postings in this thread and Futz's post made me want to confess more about myself. When things gradually got worse with our arguments, I began attacking too. But because I had never experienced this type of behavior before, I went into total denial mode that I was doing anything wrong. Yes, women can be abusive too. And I became verbally abusive right back at my BF. I don't understand the whole psyche thing (I try to as much as I can) but for whatever reason, I never thought I was doing ANYTHING wrong and blocked it (my attacks) all out. After this past weekend, something clicked - it was like a light switch went on - and all of our past arguments came flooding back in my head like a tidal wave. And I saw everything from a different perspective. Don't get me wrong - this is not about making excuses for my BF. But I have to face the things I have said to him. I undermined his own faith in me and our relationship and I said alot of things I'm ashamed of. I have to say this here because it's only fair - I did to him what he was doing to me. And what's my excuse - I don't have any childhood abuse trauma.

    I don't know where we will go from here. I'm honestly too exhausted to make any huge decisions right now. I don't know if anyone here can understand but I just don't want to walk away knowing now how much I contributed too. I'm not going into details but I said terrible things. What made me totally block out all of that? My eyes are much more open because of your last post Heather but I need to find out where this goes.......at least we both have said our sorries (over and over again these last few days) and mutually want to work at this. So who knows.......

    As a side note, he spoke to a new PDoc yesterday at length about his med situation and admitted for the first time that he doesn't feel his meds for his depression are working and that he wants to work with her to find what will. That is a major step considering he hates the fact he's on meds and hates even more the thought of starting over again with new combos.

    Don't be sorry Heather for what you said. I'd rather hear honesty here.

     
    Old 05-22-2005, 02:51 AM   #14
    maniasterisk
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Angel and heather and bears... OH MY !!!


    What a fascinating thread.

    Here I come, as usual, from somewhere beyond left field...

    Sometimes, I think that believing in an "ordered" universe is delusional thinking. Most evidence leans to the contrary.

    Physics points to fine IMbalances as being the efficient cause to our initial existence.

    It only gets worse, from there.

    Perhaps we delude ourselves when we think there is some "perfect" way our lives and relations are supposed to unfold...

    When in "reality", it's all just happen-stance ~ with our minds attempting to stuff it into some discernable patterns so that we all don't become certifiably "insane"...

    We need to feel we have some power and control over our lives.

    Some more than others.

    This adds to my general notion that it's not good to judge others. I like to think that most folks are doing the best they can with what they perceive as their circumstances and options at any given time.

    I only reserve "judgement" for those who I am fairly certain ought to be consciously aware that they are egregiously hurting or severely exploiting "others" ~ for their own selfish gain or power trips (no offense to any of our currently elected officials)...

    So, Angel (and heather) ~ it is not important to sway one-another to agree with one's own thinking.

    It IS good to help each other "think out loud" ~ so as to better understand our own underlying motivations, patterns and desires...

    Therapeutic, plain and simple.

    Power to those who share !!!

    ~ M* ~

     
    Old 05-22-2005, 11:02 AM   #15
    polarized13
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    Re: At Wits End (Long)

    Hey M*,

    I've been wondering about you, hoping you're hanging in there, and doing ok. You are absolutely right about what you said, and I appreciate your view point, I'm glad that you chimed in on this thread. Angel knows I'm just trying to help, and I want her to be happy.

    Sometimes, I think I do tend to judge, especially when it comes to men, and how they treat their significant others. I suppose it's sort of a sensitive subject because of the experiences I've had in the past.

    There's never a simple answer to anything, especially when you're talking about relationships and mental illness.

    I'm not really sure if this is even related to what this thread is about, but I went to a chinese restaurant yesterday (and the food was excellent!! ~ I'm finally finding the good places around here!)

    Anyway.... I got my fortune cookie, and it was pretty interesting. It said :

    ~~A dose of adversity is sometimes as needed as a dose of medicine.~~

    Hmmm. I guess that means that we have to go through tough times to appreciate the good ones, and to build character.....? So, If that's the case, then Angel should be quite a character before too long...

    take care you guys,

    ~heather~

     
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