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    Old 10-24-2005, 09:33 AM   #16
    Scared Wife
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    STZenn,

    Well, I try to exercise patience and understanding with this disorder. At the same time I get frustrated with the denial and the projecting that my husband does. I've read more self-help books than I care to count - even after being told by a psychologist that I don't need the help. When I relayed this to my husband in a non-accusing way by saying, "How do I continue to get help that I'm repeatedly being told I don't need?", he discredited the psychologist. I was hoping it would make him do a self-assessment. To some degree, he has - admitting he has an anger issue. He seems to think working out 3 nights a week with a buddy resolves the problem. I'm sure it helps to have an outlet, but in my opinion he is only treating a symptom, not the problem itself.

    Your information about police/psychology is the same that I've been told by a neighbor who is a detective and by another family friend who is a retired officer. So I guess everyone was right when they said Frank was only trying to intimidate me and make me insecure/rattled. He has a strong tendency to drill me like the KGB...until I, myself, question what I said or how I said it.

    He tells me all about these psychology books that his father has and that he has read. The one attorney I spoke with also holds a degree in psychology and he made the comment that since my father-in-law is now retired, these 'books' my husband refers to are probably 20 yrs old or more and outdated by today's standards. The attorney also told me that they do not conduct formal psychology training for police either, but they may be taught a few basic techniques when questioning suspects. He's constantly judging me by my eye movements when I speak as well as my body language. What he doesn't seem to realize - or want to - is that he's brow-beating me so badly that of course my eyes are going to move (out of frustration/exasperation) and, yes, I'm going to cross my legs and rock my raised foot for the same reasons. In his eyes, these are all signs of lying and I swear to you, STZenn, that I am NOT lying to him at all.

    How long have you served in the Navy? My father served in the Navy during WWII, and my brother served in the Navy during the Vietnam War era. Hats off to you! It sounds like you have found quite an interesting career for yourself. I'll bet you could share some interesting stories from situations you have encountered, too.

    Thank you for the help with this police psychology thing. Hope you're having a good day today, too.

    Lori

     
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    Old 10-24-2005, 12:03 PM   #17
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hi STzenn,

    I was in the Army, I went to MP Basic Training and AIT, but then transferred to Air Traffic Control. I understand what you mean about MP's not studying people very much. We took classes in lie detection. We also had two weeks of POW camp, one were I was the prisoner, then the next week, I was the jailer. It was interesting. Even though I was never an MP, I've used the training in my civillian life. Really made my kids upset when I could tell they were lying by their non verbal communication.
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    Old 10-25-2005, 03:20 AM   #18
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Well, I've only been in the Navy for four years or so, so I'm still a young'n with the military. I'm actually not supposed to be a military police officer, it just so happened that I fell into the job when the war started in Iraq/Afghanistan....who knew? I turned out to be really good at (with my "colorful" background, that may seem more or less suprising to you..lol).

    The whole pschycological thing again, I believe you're not lying....it's not often you find someone so adamant about telling the truth when the actually ARE lying, especially when the subject means so much to you (and dealing with a person with BPD, of course). The constant brow-beating, as you so adequately put it, would set anyone on edge and set off all kinds of "target indicators", as they are called in my line of work, in a person. Could it mean you're lying, sure....but it could also mean you're frustrated or annoyed, depending on the questions and the setting. Besides, if this guy was a real "professional", he would do whatever he could to set you at ease when talking to you about things that would aggravate you....if for nothing else than to better judge your body language and tone. I sympathize with your situation and honestly, when dealing with so-called professionals like him, the best thing to do is let them think what they want and let your actions prove your words...enough said.

    And Nakita, it's good to hear from you again. It's cool to hear of your training in the military and I hope to get a little more of that type of training here soon. I can't talk about what my plans are in the military, but I can say that I feel where you're coming from and if nothing else, all those situations are good "learning experiences". Hope to hear good news from the both of you soon.

    STzenn

     
    Old 10-25-2005, 11:58 AM   #19
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hi Again STZenn,

    Well, it sounds like the Navy is giving you quite an interesting career nonetheless and it's a career you can be very proud of. People who serve in our military have my utmost respect. The sacrifices they make being away from home/family cannot be easy, especially during holidays and special occasions.

    With regard to the psychological drilling Frank doles out to me, yep - it's enough to make me crazy. It's like there is no 'right' answer when it's all over with and I think about it. No matter how truthful I am & how carefully I word my responses, he will take my answer & push it into something different until I am confused. This is when he labels me a liar. He also seems convinced that I'm lying even though all I am doing is carefully thinking out my responses rather than just blurting something out that will be twisted into what he wants it to be. I did read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and they refer to this as 'crazy-making'. Once again, I started out highlighting points of interest and realized I was highlighting nearly entire pages so I quit doing the highlighting. If your wife tends to be emotionally abusive towards you, I highly recommend this book. It coaches a person on how best to respond and sometimes not respond much at all. A great read without a doubt.

    If you have any words of advice for me on how to stay calm & collected during these episodes, I'd really appreciate it. I'm not what you'd call a nervous personality at all. I have disciplined myself to the point where I'm afraid to let my eyes move from one side to the other when we talk because, according to him, this is an indication of lying, too. It doesn't matter if I looked in this direction or that direction because the cat just crossed the room or something & briefly caught my attention, etc. That's how severe he would analyze me though and there was no explaining it to him. I've never been in any trouble with the law - so it's not like I've got experience with lying to get out of anything. Nor have I ever had any trouble at work. So these 'attacks' (which is what I feel they are) only leave me feeling intimidated, not at ease the way I should feel in talking to someone.

    Like you, I thought my actions would prove my words. He accused me of having an affair even though I truthfully told him I was stopping after work to check on my 82 yr old widowed mom. Why he never just dropped in unexpectedly to 'verify' what I'd told him is beyond me. Surely he'd have seen there was no bs coming from me. If I told him I was going to work, that's precisely where I was and a simple phone call would have verified that as well. All of my friends have assured me that they are certain I've done nothing to raise suspicion in him because they know my level of morals and standards that I live by. I don't hang out in bars with girlfriends and stuff like that either.

    How are things going with your wife? Is she hanging in there with the counseling? I sure hope so. I'm so glad that she turned that corner - for both of you. That must be a huge relief for you & I hope it's been very helpful.

    Well, we're in the middle of taking physical inventory here at work so I'd better get moving. You have a great day and thank you so much for your response. It just helps me reaffirm what I've been told a hundred times or more - that I'm not crazy or a pathological liar.

    Lori

     
    Old 10-31-2005, 09:11 PM   #20
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Well, WE all know you're not a pathological liar....you're just living with someone who can't deal with reality, so because they don't see the truth, it just SEEMS to him that you are a pathological liar...make sense?.. little BPD humor there, hope you don't mind. You're doing better than most who are dealing with this, and that may seem as hopeful as it does sad...either way, we are behind you 100%..you can bet on that.

    My wife? Well, I wouldn't so much say that she "turned that corner" so much as she got caught and the ONLY way to provide a life for herself in any kind of comfort was to "try" (her words) counseling. It's going okay, don't get me wrong. She is learning little things about herself and about how to deal with specific life issues that come up day to day....and even, at times, a bit about how life REALLY is....sometimes. And it has been helpful, but patience is key when dealing with ANYONE with BPD, whether they are seeking treatment or not. It seems very easy to her to forget that there is something very wrong with her that could end the life she knows for good....only to become totally engrosed with an obsession or idea that can draw her attention away from the "big bad world" if only for a moment. But that is an old story that everyone here knows all too well...so enough of that. The therapy is very helpful and I am thankful everyday that she is taking this course of action. But anyone who has been through therapy long enough can tell you...eventually the therapy has to come "out of the office", meaning you have to take the thinking the way you do in therapy and put into action in the rest of your life. And therapy doesn't have ALL the answers, the big life questions still have yet to be found with most all people of all races, creeds, and disorders. So my wife is still going to counseling and it is a very, very long road indeed, but a road that I know is worth it, no matter how she and I end up in our relationship...at least we will both walk the rest of our lives knowing that this has been a very great learning experience.

    And as for "relief"...well, relief comes with the stillness that the mind finds in those precious few moments when the focus of life is not on others or self, but in the quiet places of this world. Sorry if this is sounding too "spiritual" or whatever, its just the meditation techniques I've learned over the years....I don't mean to sound too 'hinkey' or something.

    Anyways, how is everyone? I haven't been reading the posts the last couple weeks or so...I have had an avalanche at work and I am enjoying the spoils of being competent at my job.....another joke.. Hope to hear from all of you soon. Stay strong and know that if no one else, I am with you...

    Stephen

     
    Old 11-01-2005, 01:07 PM   #21
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hi Stephen,

    It's good to hear from you. I was starting to really worry about you and Rose.

    One of the things I was shocked to realize (after frantically defending myself for months from false accusations) my husband did was lie. I'm not talking about little white lies that are more or less harmless. I'm talking about major, dillusional types of lies. For example, when he and I met, my father's health was failing due to congestive heart failure. His memory wasn't all that great and neither was his ambition/energy level. I remember relaying a story to my husband from a few years earlier...you will be amazed at what Frank turned this into...and TO our psychologist.

    My parents were in their 70's and liked to go out on occasion to socialize at the local VFW. I used to drop them off and pick them up so they wouldn't be drinking & driving. One night a few months after my previous relationship ended, my father introduced me to one of his old friends. The guy said, "Is this the baby of the family?" and my dad said yes. The guy said, "Why isn't this pretty little thing snatched up & married yet?" My dad shrugged his shoulders and JOKED, "Nobody will have her." We all laughed.

    Well, I had mentioned this funny story to my husband not long after we began dating and nothing about it was ever mentioned beyond that. Years later, here we are married and in the psychologist's office and Frank blurts out, "Her father tried to warn me about her! I used to talk to him on the phone a lot (a lie right there because Frank always called me on my cell phone, not my parents' line and due to my dad's health, he couldn't even remember Frank's name most times) and he told me that nobody would have her...because she has a tendency to run wild..." Needless to say, I was shocked...a) because my father passed away in 2002 and then b) I recalled telling Frank the story - which had occurred LONG before I'd even met him! and c) even if he had called my parents' number, anyone who knew my dad even when his health was good knew that he did not jump for a ringing phone, he pretty much let my mom answer it. lol Towards the end, his legs were too weak to even walk much and he didn't walk anymore than he had to.

    This is when I obviously questioned Frank's credibility in other areas. He had always sworn up & down that he was into total honesty and never lied to ANYONE & up until this point I believed him. In another session, when I explained to the psychologist that it upset me that Frank's 3 yr old dog was still not housetrained - to the point where the dog would jump up on our bed & couch and urinate - and that Frank refused to implement training and fought me tooth & nail on addressing the issue and had even threatened to urinate on the walls himself in defending his dog, Frank adamantly denied that his dog ever urinated on furniture. Four days later, Frank complained to me - in front of his employee - that his dog urinated on the bed that morning...and again a few days later. This is when it dawned on me that I wasn't going crazy - you know, imagining that I'd 'heard' something else?

    Does your wife do anything of this sort? If so, how do you cope with the anger, frustration and resentment that it tends to bring? These (and more) incidents have left me angry as well as unable to put much faith into anything my husband says...and that's just not good, you know? It's also scary...because you wonder what's going to come out of his mouth next. I really think he wanted our psychologist to believe I was the one with the problem or something...I could be wrong. I just don't understand why he did these things.

    You don't need to worry about being too spiritual with me. Frank thinks I'm 'goofy' because I'll go and sit by my father's grave and do my thinking there and will often ask him to make one of his 'appearances' in my dreams. He is always so vivid in them...and the things he says to me are definitely things I know he'd be saying to me if he was still here with us. It's always nice to seek out a quiet, tranquil setting to get your thoughts and feelings in order. I've never tried meditation or anything, but you never know...that might be next on the list for me.

    Well, I hope you've gotten a handle on your workload so that we hear more from you. My workload is going to be rough for the next couple of weeks as well - actually, well into December. I'm still happy that your wife has agreed to at least 'try' the counseling and I hope it makes a difference, great or small. Take care and try not to work TOO hard. (Yeah, right!) Hope to see another post from you soon.

    Lori

     
    Old 11-02-2005, 09:39 AM   #22
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hi ladies, it's good to hear from the both of you too!! Glad to hear we are all still "present and accounted for" (military jargon, means you're here and you're alright). Lies? Yes, too many times lies are told if for no other reason than just to justify a perspective that she (the wife) has convinced herself is right....it could just be a passing thought! How frustrating it is to watch someone who is obviously feeling one thing look you in the face and say that they are feeling something else....it's enough to send you pulling hair out for a week. My wife, as I understand it, is very sick sometimes, enough so that really big lies are not only told, but thought of as the truth by her and for a long, long time at that. I understand that it isn't so much that my wife wants to convince someone that what she is saying is true, it's more that my wife NEEDS to believe that what she is saying is true so that she can engage her feelings (that she already questions) in a more effective way. In other words, she WANTS to feel that she is justified in being angry, so she CONVINCES herself that I did something wrong and I didn't. What do I do? I tell her the truth, and at the same time let her know that I understand that she WANTS to feel what she is feeling, no matter how painful, but that it isn't the truth and what she COULD be feeling is something totally different. This has led to more arguments between us than I can count....and heartache as well. I keep telling her what is REALLY going on and end up repeating myself over and over and over again....causing a serious resentment by her for me. She almost never likes to hear it, but I remind her that life is short and if she wants to feel anger, resentment, guilt, shame, or blame in any given situation...then that is her choice, but I don't have to feel that way, because I know what the truth is....and the real truth is that we make choices and those choices dictate the direction of not only our feelings and our days, but our lives as well. It is sometimes a very narrow road, but it works at times and even when it doesn't, I know that I said my piece.

    The "gaslighting" effect is apparent too. She rarely ever lets me feel as though what I say has an impact on her, but I watch her actions and she has been improving...not resolved, but improved. She tries to convince me, in the same manner I attempt to convince her, that it is me who is wrong and that her view is correct. I tell her that I know that she believes what she is saying, if for no other reason than to justify her current perspective and validate her so-called feelings on the issue. The bottom line is this, she wants to be right and she wants it her way ALL the time....no one is so fortunate, no one. It is selfishness and survival that make her do what she does, but there is an answer, if she wants it. I will continue doing what I'm doing until she either quits trying or gives in the REALITY that truly exists in her world and she deals with her life. I tell her that too, that it doesn't matter which way she goes, not to me. I have to live life on life's terms, and i know what I should do in either case.....so the choice is hers, and hers alone. It is immensly frustrating at times and most times we end at an "impass" and find no common ground, but I have to stick with what I know is true, and keep paying attention to all concerned. There are few people who know the extent of the reality we are living in, and if I lose track of that for the sake of an argument, then I become as lost as she is, and then I am no help to anyone. So keep an eye on the bigger picture, and realize that what is "necessary" is not always what we want. In the end, it is us who hold the answers for these sick people, and it is us who have the tools to help these people in their times of need, but it is THEY who must come to us, not the other way around.

    Think about it like this, how much do you think you would've learned in school if all your work had been done for you, without you even asking for it. How much value would you place on your education today if that were the case?

    Thank you and again, it's been good hearing from you. Tell me more of your thoughts in this matter, it is definitely a topic worth discussing further....

    Stephen

     
    Old 11-09-2005, 09:20 AM   #23
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    Unhappy Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hi everyone.

    I'm a little down today. It just seems like life gets so difficult. H's behavior has continued to spiral downward. He disappears for days at time and sleeps when he is home. He has no job now. I imagine that he is into something illegal to support his habit, though. I don't know what it is, and I rather not know. When he is home there is no talking to him since he is hostile and prone to angry outbursts and mood swings. He is a ticking time bomb, so I try to have as little communication as possible with him.

    I have gone to see a lawyer.
    While she seemed to give me the answers I wanted to hear on the custody type issues, the financial outlook is just awful. I'll need to come up with a $7500 retainer if I use this lawyer. I have no idea where I am going to come up with this. Pawn some jewelry I guess. Any ideas?

    Not only will I most likely have to sell my house, but I may have to pay him alimony since I have always made more money and he currently has no job. It is just disgusting to think that he is probably going to make out in this divorce, when he has only brought me pain and financial hardship.

    So I am feeling down in the dumps.
    Nice girls finish last I guess.

     
    Old 11-09-2005, 12:39 PM   #24
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hello amimcm,

    It's great to hear from you, but I am sorry to hear that you are depressed. I know how situations such as ours tend to wear us down - mentally and physically. Try to stay strong, and try to get the rest & relaxation you need. Your situation sounds very stressful.

    I agree that if your husband is into something illegal, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Yet, just be very careful that he isn't bringing it into your home without your knowledge. I remember being very alarmed and later very scared when I learned my husband had all sorts of weirdos coming to our rented condo. This one always had laptop computers he was selling for $500 supposedly because the guy was filing bankruptcy & his attorney had told him to feel free to rack up his credit cards. So he was buying the stuff on credit & selling it for cash. Everyone I talk to said they find it hard to believe an attorney would give this type of advice. Then he had his employees, all of which have questionable backgrounds (prison, drugs, etc.) showing up against my wishes. I remember being afraid that my husband could be involved in something illegal that I would have no knowledge of...until our county task force came crashing through our front door. That never happened, but I remember half expecting it. As far as the guy with the laptops & other pricey tools, for all I know they were all stolen goods - you know? And here they were in my home!

    I, too, would hate to see your husband 'profit' in any way from a divorce. Does he know you've seen an attorney or have you kept that to yourself? I don't know what state you are in, but here in Ohio they also have a 'dissolution' - a simplified version (& often less costly) of a divorce. The thing is though that both parties have to be in agreement on the terms. Did the attorney mention anything about a legal separation? I'm not sure what the right answer is for you...maybe you should consult another attorney and do some research.

    I really feel for you and can certainly understand how you feel. You seem so down and defeated, and that is so sad. How long have you been married? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your situation is very scary and I have no doubt you are angry and disappointed. What a mixed bag of emotions to walk around with day in and day out, huh?

    You may be right...when you say nice girls finish last. But keep this in mind... when one door closes, another door opens. There just has to be good things in store for you at some point. I hope they appear soon. Good luck and write back when you can. In the meantime, try to find some type of enjoyment for yourself...hanging out with family or friends. If you have a favorite hobby, throw yourself into it (that's why I do).

    Lori

     
    Old 11-11-2005, 08:08 AM   #25
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Thanks Scared Wife,

    I really do feel worn down. Every time he disappears for a few days I hope that maybe it will be the last of him. I can't stand living like this.

    We have been married for 5 years this Dec. He is 30 and I am going to be 31 this month. We have 2 children together.

    He does know that I have been to a lawyer, but it doesn't seem to be affecting his behavior. I think, he just thinks I'm bluffing.

    Thanks for listening.

    How are you doing?

     
    Old 11-11-2005, 10:54 AM   #26
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Hello amimcm,

    It's great to hear from you. I hope you are feeling at least a little bit better today. I know how depressing our situations are, and it really helps me to throw myself into my job and into my hobby. I had spent all of my free time reading self-help books, books on BPD and workbooks and I simply got burned out shortly after my husband's last episode that began Labor Day weekend and lasted for more than a month (I received the silent treatment). It saddens me to get to that point, but I also got angry. I mean, here I am - not even the individual with the problem in the first place - and all of my time is spent with my nose in a book, researching on the internet, doing workbook exercises - not out 'enjoying' myself. Then there's Frank - doing absolutely nothing and still acting as though I'm the one with the problem, etc. I just got burned out all of a sudden. It was like reality truly set in.

    We just had our 2-year anniversary in Oct. We only lived together for 7 months (he asked me to leave). How depressing is that? My family and friends are completely fed up with him and continually urge me to move on in life without him. Yet, my heart just won't seem to let me. I have had to deal with his spoiled dog urinating and crapping in the house as though it's the 'outdoors' inside. I got sick of continually cleaning in ways daily that most people only need to do on occasion. I got sick of glasses of milk being left in his office until it was curdled, spoiled & smelly...I gave up on that room entirely because he'd turned it into such a pigsty. I tried taking a stand by letting it go - apparently the filth never bothered him because he never did do anything about it.

    So when he asked me to leave after 7 months, even though I'd paid all of the household bills primarily myself, it was a relief. I don't think he realizes to this day how much harder he made it for himself to convince me to come back. Aside from his behavior problems, I LOVED sleeping on clean sheets, sitting on a couch that didn't need the upholstery scrubbed weekly because of his dog's problems, not having to explain in enormous detail why I was 15 minutes late getting home, etc. I felt FREE the first night I slept in my old CLEAN bed.

    Of course, I still love him and miss him in spite of these things. Why? I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's because I know how he is capable of being the sweetest, most loving man on the planet. Maybe that's what I cannot let go of, I don't know. But, until he gets help for his problems, I just can't go back. I just can't.

    I hope that you are able to have a good weekend - free of conflict, fear and depression. Take your children and go do something enjoyable. I've got no doubt that you deserve that. Your husband may think you're bluffing. I think Frank thought I'd 'avoid' the dissolution thing when he brought it up in February. I think the last thing he expected was for me to hand him those papers within a couple of weeks. He signed all but one document and then the entire matter was put on hold, not even mentioned. So, your husband may NOT be taking you very seriously at this point in time.

    Try to hang in there and write as soon as you have the time. Do be sure to treat yourself to something this weekend. It might help take the edge off. Thanks for always listening to me! Our stories seem so identical except for the fact that we have no children.

    Lori

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 01:35 PM   #27
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    You should go out and get the book called Walking ON Egg Shells. It is a book written specifically written for people, who love someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder it has helped me out so much and I highly recommend it. It will help you understand your wife much more as well as teach you what you can do to make life on both of you much easier

     
    Old 11-21-2005, 06:11 PM   #28
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    Thanks for the advice diezel, it is very much appreciated. I recently got the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!: Understanding the Borderline Personality Disorder" and have started reading it. That combined with her regular DBT Therapy and alot (A WHOLE LOT!!....lol) of work on both our parts have made life a little more managable for right now. The trick seems to be STAYING focused once we accomplish a little bit. It is sometimes very hard to keep bringing up the fact that we are dealing with something that is going to take a long time to learn to deal with in the most productive way and that just because we win a small battle, the war rages on. The tools I've been learning have been most helpful when things are good, not when all hell breaks loose. It's easier for us to attack our problems when they are present in the here and now, but much harder to confront when "all is well" in the relationship. So I've begun reading this book to better understand and further my knowledge on the subject while we are in a "good wave" in her emotions. It sort of allows for a more open line of communciation without having to actually confront issues between us at that moment. And I do, by the way, have plans to make it to that specific book that you mentioned, just at the moment I already have the one I got. So thanks again, I do truly appreciate it. Any other advice? I'm always open to suggestions about how to make myself or those around me better.

    Stephen

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 02:12 PM   #29
    diezel57
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    Wink Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    One thing I did not mention when I told you to check out Walking On Egg Shells is that I too recently found out my wife of only a year and a half also has Borderline Personality Disorder. So I know very much how you feel. I Hate You Don't Leave me is a good book I read a good amount of it, but not all of it. My wife was actaully looking at books for herself when we came across it, and at the time she was doing good and so we were both able to look at that book and laugh to each other because it described very much how I have felt and how she has acted at times. One thing that we are both lucky to have is that our wives are activley seeking help that is one of the most important things they can do to continue to heal. The one thing about Walking On Egg Shells that makes it so awesome is that is written specifically for us, people who love someone with BPD. It does cover what you can do when the Borderline in your life is having an outburst. One thing to remember that has really helped me is that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that someone has to learn to live with and manage, but it does not define who they are. Any time you want to chat I am all ears is there a way that we can exchange emails so that perhaps we can communicate more openly and easily?

     
    Old 11-22-2005, 04:01 PM   #30
    Nakita
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    Re: Married to a BPD and needing help! Please...

    It's called "Stop Walking on Eggshells; Coping When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder " by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger. I agree it IS excellent. My husband has read it several times. I am a recovering borderline for over 25 years.
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